In a misunderstanding of unprecedented proportions, hundreds of Wesleyan students have refused to participate in Relay For Life, apparently mistaking the American Cancer Society fundraiser with anti-abortion activism.
Amanda Mansell ’12, president of Students for Reproductive Rights, expressed her indignation at being handed a Relay For Life flyer in Usdan by kneeing the unsuspecting student in the uterus. Mansell immediately began organizing a Relay For Choice counter-rally, “to effect less inherently hegemonistic dialogue” regarding a woman’s right to choose. “What would Jane Roe think!?” added Mansell, her brow furrowed in theatric indignation, apparently unaware that Jane Roe, plaintiff in the landmark 1973 Roe v. Wade case, has since recanted her support for abortion rights—or that Relay For Life has nothing to do with abortion rights whatsoever.
“I find it morally repugnant that our supposedly progressive institution could so brazenly endorse the extremist pro-life agenda,” added Geoffrey Hord ’11. Hord led a mass protest outside North College Tuesday morning, which yielded such slogans as “Relay For Life is Relay Against Women,” “Abort the Relay!” and “Make Abortion, Not War!”
Meanwhile, prominent conservative Mytheos Holt, in his weekly “Wesleyan Viewed From the Right” column, described the protest efforts as “typical of leftist PCU pseudo-activist garbage. In fact, it’s refreshing to see an anti-infanticide presence on campus for once.”
When pressed for comment, President Roth assured that the event would be discontinued, and that the University had been fully unaware of the American Cancer Society’s right-wing sympathies.
1/26/10
The Editor Calls for Maximalization
THIS ISSUE OF THE AMPERSAND IS ALL ABOUT GETTING THE MOST OUT OF EVERYTHING IN LIFE BY NEVER GIVING UP AND ALWAYS FIGHTING FOR THE GOLD AND NOT LETTING ANYBODY HOLD YOU BACK FROM ANYTHING AND ACHIEVING YOUR GOALS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE WHICH IS 100 PERCENT AND SOMETIMES YOU FEEL TIRED OR WEAK BUT FUCK THAT BECAUSE YOU GOTTA PUSH THROUGH IT TO SCORE WHEN IT COUNTS LIKE TIGER WOODS AND MICHAEL JORDAN AND MICHAEL PHELPS BECAUSE THEYRE ALL FUCKING ALLSTARS SERIOUSLY THEY NEVER BACK DOWN AND ALWAYS STAY STRONG SOMETIMES I DONT MAKE THE MOST OUT OF EVERYTHING BUT DONT TELL ANYONE OR I WILL ELIMINATE YOU ANYWAY BACK TO THE POINT I JUST THINK EVERYONE DOESNT GET IT AND HOW YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE MOST OUT OF EVERYTHING BY EXTREME MEANS IF NECESSARY WHICH SOMETIMES IS TAKING IT TOO FAR BUT I DIDNT SAY IT WOULD BE EASY SO SPREAD THE WORD AND MAKE SURE EVERYONE LISTENS TO YOU IN YOUR EYES BECAUSE THEN THEYLL KNOW HOW SERIOUS YOU FUCKING ARE AND THEN YOULL WIN
DAVE DAVE DAVE
DAVE DAVE DAVE
Maxturbate
In order to ensure that recreational activities don't get in the way of squeezing the most out of every millisecond of your life from now on, I have compiled a top five list of variations on masturbation, which let's be honest never helps productivity but is too much fun to be simply ignored all of a sudden. These corner cutters'll allow you to surge to ultimate power and still have some of that necessary you-time. Also, a top five list of things not to do ever because they will impede your progress toward domination of the earthly realm.
1. Income taxturbate – It's always a good idea to have your taxes done on time, but who says it has to be ejaculation-less.
2. Click-clacksturbate - If in the process of rising to the top of the game, you find yourself being held back by an incompetent business partner who you can't really trust, you gotta cock that thing back with a click-clack and then, bladow, find a new business partner. But never take the other hand off yo dick!
3. Classturbate - History? Who cares? I need a napkin.
4. Foie grasturbate - I can't even remember when I used flatten my geese while not choking a chicken.
5. Snacksturbate – Complex carbs are a total necessity when it comes to singly focusing the mind on the prize, partly to replenish the energy you've lost from jerking off so much.
Things not to do:
1. Procrasturbate – Ever. You must always be working and masturbating.
2. Forward Passturbate – In rugby especially.
3. Thrashturbate – Despite trying to make the most out of everything, you don't ever want to thrash when it comes to the penis.
4. Whiplashturbate – Who needs another fight with the insurance company?
5. Tresspassturbate – Illegal and liable to get you shot-gunned in the chest.
1. Income taxturbate – It's always a good idea to have your taxes done on time, but who says it has to be ejaculation-less.
2. Click-clacksturbate - If in the process of rising to the top of the game, you find yourself being held back by an incompetent business partner who you can't really trust, you gotta cock that thing back with a click-clack and then, bladow, find a new business partner. But never take the other hand off yo dick!
3. Classturbate - History? Who cares? I need a napkin.
4. Foie grasturbate - I can't even remember when I used flatten my geese while not choking a chicken.
5. Snacksturbate – Complex carbs are a total necessity when it comes to singly focusing the mind on the prize, partly to replenish the energy you've lost from jerking off so much.
Things not to do:
1. Procrasturbate – Ever. You must always be working and masturbating.
2. Forward Passturbate – In rugby especially.
3. Thrashturbate – Despite trying to make the most out of everything, you don't ever want to thrash when it comes to the penis.
4. Whiplashturbate – Who needs another fight with the insurance company?
5. Tresspassturbate – Illegal and liable to get you shot-gunned in the chest.
Save Time By Staycationing
The vacation is dead. In vogue: the staycation. “Much like the Pussycat Dolls, vacations are on their way out,” said Wesleyan professor Deb Olin Funferth, author of Staycation. “Why would anyone ever go on vacation when you can so easily be on vacation every single second of every day?”
With the realization that it takes little more than a change in attitude to max out every day of your college experience, the Ampersand respectfully suggests a few ways you can get the absolute most out of your time at Wesleyan by staycationing all over campus all the goddamn time.
The Butthole
The Butterfields’ answer to the WestCo courtyard. The up-and-coming Butthole scene will soon play host to Buru Style and other WestCo regulars. “I prefer the Butthole,” said Max Nussbaum ’12. “Everyone there really dug my Kanye Halloween costume.”
The Batting Cages
For a romantic afternoon at the base of scenic Foss Hill, bring that special someone to the Foss Hill batting cages for a few hours of batting practice in a cage. A great way to have fun outdoors! Wear a jock strap to protect yourself.
BuHo
Wash’s answer to SoHo. Check out the Jews!
Mocon
Remove a plumbing grate! Break a window! Do whatever necessary to sneak your way inside this treasure trove of garbage.
With the realization that it takes little more than a change in attitude to max out every day of your college experience, the Ampersand respectfully suggests a few ways you can get the absolute most out of your time at Wesleyan by staycationing all over campus all the goddamn time.
The Butthole
The Butterfields’ answer to the WestCo courtyard. The up-and-coming Butthole scene will soon play host to Buru Style and other WestCo regulars. “I prefer the Butthole,” said Max Nussbaum ’12. “Everyone there really dug my Kanye Halloween costume.”
The Batting Cages
For a romantic afternoon at the base of scenic Foss Hill, bring that special someone to the Foss Hill batting cages for a few hours of batting practice in a cage. A great way to have fun outdoors! Wear a jock strap to protect yourself.
BuHo
Wash’s answer to SoHo. Check out the Jews!
Mocon
Remove a plumbing grate! Break a window! Do whatever necessary to sneak your way inside this treasure trove of garbage.
Take it from Me: Night
I’ll be brief. I tried one of those do-it-yourself “male enhancement” treatments and set my penis on fire. Four wasted lawsuits and half a scrotum later, I’ve decided that all these health information websites can’t be trusted. So I’ve donned my favorite tin foil hat while uncovering some honest tips for improving your life.
What I’m trying to say is, I haven’t slept in two weeks. People tell me I’m insane for believing that it works. But it does. And I always respond to those people, “Is your refrigerator running? No? Well then maybe you should unplug it from the wall and stop slaughtering your sheep.” Not a minute of sleep, and I’m sharp as a sharp.
Since I’ve stopped sleeping, I’ve observed a 400% decrease in instances of me being attacked. Coincidence? Does my paraplegic aunt make the best banana bread on the east coast? Of course not. Let’s say someone approaches you in the middle of the night. You’ve got one eye open: bite your assailant in the neck and scream like you’re lost in the ball pit at an eight-year-old’s gymnastics-themed birthday party. Who cares if it was actually just your girlfriend returning a sweatshirt? Shit happens, this lifestyle is about efficiency. You can be the judge; I’ll be keeping watch under my roommate’s bed.
Other benefits? Have you ever been eight hours early to a class? I have. Professors eat that shit up. Sure, someone’s coat was sitting in the middle chair in the front row when I got there, so I couldn’t get the best seat: a minor setback. I’ll figure out what the hell that jacket was doing there. You know how? By not sleeping and doing fucking detective work instead. How’s that for some health advice?
To stay awake, start by doing things to escape from your normal routine. I’ve found septic tank aerobics to be sufficiently disturbing, and I typed this whole thing with my face. There’s a whole new place waiting for you when the sun sets, where no one is around to care about how you smell like you just crawled out of a dumpster, even if it’s just your new shampoo and no one seems to understand that eucalyptus leaves can smell a lot like trash sometimes.
People don’t use their heads. One Five Hour Energy gives you approximately five hours of crash-free liveliness. Drink eight? You do the math on that one, I have some toilet paper coupons to redeem.
What I’m trying to say is, I haven’t slept in two weeks. People tell me I’m insane for believing that it works. But it does. And I always respond to those people, “Is your refrigerator running? No? Well then maybe you should unplug it from the wall and stop slaughtering your sheep.” Not a minute of sleep, and I’m sharp as a sharp.
Since I’ve stopped sleeping, I’ve observed a 400% decrease in instances of me being attacked. Coincidence? Does my paraplegic aunt make the best banana bread on the east coast? Of course not. Let’s say someone approaches you in the middle of the night. You’ve got one eye open: bite your assailant in the neck and scream like you’re lost in the ball pit at an eight-year-old’s gymnastics-themed birthday party. Who cares if it was actually just your girlfriend returning a sweatshirt? Shit happens, this lifestyle is about efficiency. You can be the judge; I’ll be keeping watch under my roommate’s bed.
Other benefits? Have you ever been eight hours early to a class? I have. Professors eat that shit up. Sure, someone’s coat was sitting in the middle chair in the front row when I got there, so I couldn’t get the best seat: a minor setback. I’ll figure out what the hell that jacket was doing there. You know how? By not sleeping and doing fucking detective work instead. How’s that for some health advice?
To stay awake, start by doing things to escape from your normal routine. I’ve found septic tank aerobics to be sufficiently disturbing, and I typed this whole thing with my face. There’s a whole new place waiting for you when the sun sets, where no one is around to care about how you smell like you just crawled out of a dumpster, even if it’s just your new shampoo and no one seems to understand that eucalyptus leaves can smell a lot like trash sometimes.
People don’t use their heads. One Five Hour Energy gives you approximately five hours of crash-free liveliness. Drink eight? You do the math on that one, I have some toilet paper coupons to redeem.
Meal Plans...TO THE MAX
It’s no secret that the school’s meal plans, while accommodating, are not comprehensive, and it’s estimated that up to 65% of the student body must resort to drinking toner cartridges from their depleted printers for sustenance by the end of the semester. But for a resourceful student, the dining halls can be like manna from Heaven. All you need to do is keep these suggestions in mind.
Bringing Tupperware with you to Usdan is a good start, but if you really want to maximize meal swipe, always wear cargo pants and a hunting vest with lots of pockets. Fill every available space to capacity, but store the hot items in your pants.
At Summerfields, the receipts are law. And here’s a little known fact: the staff behind the counter don’t care how you get the receipt, just so long as you have one when you go up to claim your meal. All too often this dining hall erupts into a vicious melee, as students fight to claim as many meal tickets as possible like it’s Chuck E. Cheese. The penny-conscious student should invest in Krav Maga or Muay Thai classes.
The key to maximizing your points at Weshop is to start a protest, then gradually escalate it into a riot. Grab as much food as you can while everyone’s busy smashing stuff, and then blame it on the Reds.
When in doubt, go the old-fashioned route: find someone smaller than you, grab by the ankles, and shake that shit. Grab whatever falls out and jet. Be sure to turn and shout “dweebus!” during the getaway.
Bringing Tupperware with you to Usdan is a good start, but if you really want to maximize meal swipe, always wear cargo pants and a hunting vest with lots of pockets. Fill every available space to capacity, but store the hot items in your pants.
At Summerfields, the receipts are law. And here’s a little known fact: the staff behind the counter don’t care how you get the receipt, just so long as you have one when you go up to claim your meal. All too often this dining hall erupts into a vicious melee, as students fight to claim as many meal tickets as possible like it’s Chuck E. Cheese. The penny-conscious student should invest in Krav Maga or Muay Thai classes.
The key to maximizing your points at Weshop is to start a protest, then gradually escalate it into a riot. Grab as much food as you can while everyone’s busy smashing stuff, and then blame it on the Reds.
When in doubt, go the old-fashioned route: find someone smaller than you, grab by the ankles, and shake that shit. Grab whatever falls out and jet. Be sure to turn and shout “dweebus!” during the getaway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)