12/6/11
Meet JONATHAN BUTTST, the new editor of the Ampersand!!
A Sincere Apology from the Staff :-)
The editors of the Ampersand would like to sincerely apologize for the low-brow humor that has graced the back page of the Argus over the recent months. We hereby pledge to promote only upbeat, “humor-positive” content from this point on.
We want to apologize in particular for the article titled “Cock-Sucking and You: A Freshman’s Guide to Dicklicking”. This sexual manual featuring graphic descriptions of the shaft, taint, scrotum, and anus and how best to manipulate them both orally and with a variety of sexual toys, including something called the “Clinical Tip Flicker,” was simply too extreme.
The Ampersand also seriously regrets the photo that was published in the October 18th issue, in which a completely naked Rupert Murdoch appears to be violating a three-toed sloth with one hand while simultaneously performing an unprintable act with a bowl of macaroni and cheese with the other.
Finally, our sincerest apologies for the video piece known as “A Tub of Whipped Cream, a Broken Ceiling Fan, a Box-Cutter, A Box of Q-tips, Two Cats, and What I’m Going to Do to Them.” Frankly, even we aren’t sure why the police weren’t called as soon as the first cat was discovered.
Again, we wish to apologize profusely for printing such filth and promise to bring you only the finest in clean, fun humor that doesn’t involve sexual, bestial, or shaving cream-related content.
We want to apologize in particular for the article titled “Cock-Sucking and You: A Freshman’s Guide to Dicklicking”. This sexual manual featuring graphic descriptions of the shaft, taint, scrotum, and anus and how best to manipulate them both orally and with a variety of sexual toys, including something called the “Clinical Tip Flicker,” was simply too extreme.
The Ampersand also seriously regrets the photo that was published in the October 18th issue, in which a completely naked Rupert Murdoch appears to be violating a three-toed sloth with one hand while simultaneously performing an unprintable act with a bowl of macaroni and cheese with the other.
Finally, our sincerest apologies for the video piece known as “A Tub of Whipped Cream, a Broken Ceiling Fan, a Box-Cutter, A Box of Q-tips, Two Cats, and What I’m Going to Do to Them.” Frankly, even we aren’t sure why the police weren’t called as soon as the first cat was discovered.
Again, we wish to apologize profusely for printing such filth and promise to bring you only the finest in clean, fun humor that doesn’t involve sexual, bestial, or shaving cream-related content.
"Dirty" Jokes
These jokes aren’t just dirty, they’re downright filthy! These jokes need to take a bath.
What’d the pig eat for dessert?
a mud pie
What’d the pig write with?
a pig pen
Why was the shoe sad?
because it stepped in dog doo-doo
What kind of truck smells bad?
a garbage truck
What’d the mud say to the other mud?
my name is mud
Why were the children taken away from the family?
they were living in squalor
What’d the pig eat for dessert?
a mud pie
What’d the pig write with?
a pig pen
Why was the shoe sad?
because it stepped in dog doo-doo
What kind of truck smells bad?
a garbage truck
What’d the mud say to the other mud?
my name is mud
Why were the children taken away from the family?
they were living in squalor
Editorial: It’s Time to Clean Up the Film Series!
Recent showings at the Goldsmith Family Cinema have not been very family-oriented! Last week they showed “Taxi Driver,” a movie that includes prostitutes, violence, and mohawk haircuts. And those meretricious Technicolor movies? More like “Meet Me in St. Lewdest.”
The Ampersand would like to propose a new standard for film screenings. First and most obviously, no R-rated movies. Second, the students running the film series (who are too sassy when they tell us to turn off our phones! watch your tone) should check for IDs when screening PG-13 films. Finally, an idea that should not be provocative: a good old-fashioned G-rated movie. None of those bawdy Pixar movies, either.
How about “Big”? Yes, there’s some salacious material, but it stars the ever-charming Tom Hanks, who can do no wrong in our books. Wesleyan could also screen “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties,” which we’ve been meaning to see.
The Ampersand hopes that the film board will clean up its act. That’s what movies are for: bringing people together by not offending anyone.
The Ampersand would like to propose a new standard for film screenings. First and most obviously, no R-rated movies. Second, the students running the film series (who are too sassy when they tell us to turn off our phones! watch your tone) should check for IDs when screening PG-13 films. Finally, an idea that should not be provocative: a good old-fashioned G-rated movie. None of those bawdy Pixar movies, either.
How about “Big”? Yes, there’s some salacious material, but it stars the ever-charming Tom Hanks, who can do no wrong in our books. Wesleyan could also screen “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties,” which we’ve been meaning to see.
The Ampersand hopes that the film board will clean up its act. That’s what movies are for: bringing people together by not offending anyone.
Beta Embroiled in Biblical Scandal
It’s that time of year again: Beta and the Wesleyan Administration are at odds. No, the members of the fraternity are not seceding. They are building an ark.
The scandal erupted on Sunday when Public Safety Officer Nat Adams responded to a noise complaint regarding Beta. When he arrived on the scene, Officer Adams discovered a partially built wooden boat in the lot behind the building. Several Beta members were hard at work nailing boards to the unfinished hull. Officer Adams confiscated their hammers and reported the incident to the university.
Thaddeus Gleg ’12, the self-proclaimed “Noah-up-in-here,” says that he was told to build the ark by a deity.
“I was doing a keg stand last year,” Gleg said, “when the keg started talking to me. At first I thought it was just the ’shrooms mixing badly with being suspended upside down, but after a while I thought, ‘Wow, this shit is real!’”
The scandal really took off when Officer Adams investigated further. Incarcerated in the basement were groups of students, among which were two members of Eclectic, two from DKE, a pair of Rebeccas (“That one was easy,” Gleg elaborated. “They were roommates in the Bayit.”) two transsexual students, and two Brown students (“We really didn’t want them,” Gleg said, “but the keg insisted.”). Also present was a small cage containing two black squirrels.
“We realized as we were filling the keg’s quotas that many of these groups won’t be able to reproduce after the apocalypse,” said Moisés Rockwell ’13, “so we’re not really sure what the divine plan is. But, hey, it’s not our job to question the keg.” (Rockwell also wishes to inform Officer Adams that he wants his hammer back.)
Gleg is unsure how President Roth will respond to the exposure of Beta’s activities, but he is unworried.
“The keg was interested in him,” Gleg said, “but since there’s only one of him, the keg said he’ll probably go the way of the unicorns.”
The scandal erupted on Sunday when Public Safety Officer Nat Adams responded to a noise complaint regarding Beta. When he arrived on the scene, Officer Adams discovered a partially built wooden boat in the lot behind the building. Several Beta members were hard at work nailing boards to the unfinished hull. Officer Adams confiscated their hammers and reported the incident to the university.
Thaddeus Gleg ’12, the self-proclaimed “Noah-up-in-here,” says that he was told to build the ark by a deity.
“I was doing a keg stand last year,” Gleg said, “when the keg started talking to me. At first I thought it was just the ’shrooms mixing badly with being suspended upside down, but after a while I thought, ‘Wow, this shit is real!’”
The scandal really took off when Officer Adams investigated further. Incarcerated in the basement were groups of students, among which were two members of Eclectic, two from DKE, a pair of Rebeccas (“That one was easy,” Gleg elaborated. “They were roommates in the Bayit.”) two transsexual students, and two Brown students (“We really didn’t want them,” Gleg said, “but the keg insisted.”). Also present was a small cage containing two black squirrels.
“We realized as we were filling the keg’s quotas that many of these groups won’t be able to reproduce after the apocalypse,” said Moisés Rockwell ’13, “so we’re not really sure what the divine plan is. But, hey, it’s not our job to question the keg.” (Rockwell also wishes to inform Officer Adams that he wants his hammer back.)
Gleg is unsure how President Roth will respond to the exposure of Beta’s activities, but he is unworried.
“The keg was interested in him,” Gleg said, “but since there’s only one of him, the keg said he’ll probably go the way of the unicorns.”
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