9/14/10
Important Notice For Citizen Readers of Ampersand Funny Humor Magazine
The Ampersand is the official organ of the Wesleyan Spartacist Tendency. Our mission is to consolidate a democratic workers’ center in order to prosecute total war against the ruling bourgeois clique in North College and their running dogs in the WSA. Ours is an international, revolutionary, proletarian publication informed by a scientific interpretation of Wesleyan University’s historical trajectory towards socialism. Death to the bourgeois reformists at Ostranenie and the revisionist utopians of the Hermes.
Dilemmas
Sit and Stuv Samakhom ’12 of Thailand (former Siam) struggle to sort out their disparate interests before the end of drop/add.
Health Center: Testicle Pain "A Problem"
This morning, Wesleyan Health Center officials released a report concerning the mysterious disease that struck many people on move-in day. The ailment spread rapidly from the fields to the dorms, jumping from victim to victim with startling speed.
“Not much is known about Balltothighitis,” said Joyce Walter, the director of the Health Center. “I don’t fully understand it, but as far as I know there’s no cure yet.”
According to the report, the disease seems to manifest only in males and is typified by a sudden, highly uncomfortable fusion of the scrotum to the upper thigh. “Imagine testicular torsion crossed with straddling a pommel-horse coated in glass shards and angry she-hornets,” said NYU epidemiologist Gregor Nutte. “It really sucks.”
Secondary symptoms include swelling, stickiness, and bilateral thigh chafe. The symptoms come and go seemingly at will; one student complained that he thought his symptoms had gone away late on Wednesday evening, only to have them return suddenly on Thursday afternoon.
“I was walking up Foss Hill with my new friends Jenna and Emily,” the student said, “when it hit me for the second time. I’m not gonna lie: I had trouble walking, and it was embarrassing. I mean, Jenna and Emily just had no idea what I was going through at that moment.”
Other boys who caught the disease did not escape with just embarrassment. At least two move-in volunteers were so surprised by the symptoms that they dropped what they were carrying and broke their pinky toes.
“It’s a real problem,” said Walter. “The only potential cause I can find for this epidemic is the heat and humidity. Since Hurricane Earl came through, there’s been an appreciable decrease in the number of boys coming to the Center.”
“Not much is known about Balltothighitis,” said Joyce Walter, the director of the Health Center. “I don’t fully understand it, but as far as I know there’s no cure yet.”
According to the report, the disease seems to manifest only in males and is typified by a sudden, highly uncomfortable fusion of the scrotum to the upper thigh. “Imagine testicular torsion crossed with straddling a pommel-horse coated in glass shards and angry she-hornets,” said NYU epidemiologist Gregor Nutte. “It really sucks.”
Secondary symptoms include swelling, stickiness, and bilateral thigh chafe. The symptoms come and go seemingly at will; one student complained that he thought his symptoms had gone away late on Wednesday evening, only to have them return suddenly on Thursday afternoon.
“I was walking up Foss Hill with my new friends Jenna and Emily,” the student said, “when it hit me for the second time. I’m not gonna lie: I had trouble walking, and it was embarrassing. I mean, Jenna and Emily just had no idea what I was going through at that moment.”
Other boys who caught the disease did not escape with just embarrassment. At least two move-in volunteers were so surprised by the symptoms that they dropped what they were carrying and broke their pinky toes.
“It’s a real problem,” said Walter. “The only potential cause I can find for this epidemic is the heat and humidity. Since Hurricane Earl came through, there’s been an appreciable decrease in the number of boys coming to the Center.”
Happy Booty-Call Tuesday
At a recent student referendum, members of the Wesleyan community voiced concern that a rift is growing between groups of students with different interests and lifestyles. Hoping to remedy the alleged divide, the Office of Student Activities has announced a fun new weeknight activity to smooth the way for Wednesday’s “Bar Night” and Thirsty Thursday.
On the tentatively titled “Wacky Booty-Call Tuesday,” the office encourages students to choose another student from a radically different circle of friends with whom to flirtext, sext, and eventually perform a “wacky booty call.” Mark Romberg from OSA says the first two Tuesdays of this event have been a resounding success.
“I can’t describe to you the joy I felt when I saw a young flexual woman early this morning, stumbling home to Open House from Fauver, her flannel barely buttoned,” he said. “Already I feel the sense of community here has gotten much stronger. The amount of people wearing those big black-framed glasses at the football game last week was simply remarkable!”
Others do not feel such strong attachment to the new theme-night. Chaz Birmingham, deputy captain of the baseball team, found the differences between him and his new Tuesday Friend impossible to get past.
“What really got to me was that she wanted to play dubstep while we were hooking up. I mean, Marvin Gaye I can deal with. I can even get my groove on to electroclash. But I draw the line at dubstep. I mean, a man hasta have a little dignity.”
“Personally, I don’t like it,” said Thaddeus Schwartz, an Eclectic resident. “Call me weird, but it’s just too easy to remove running shorts, t-shirts, and sports bras. I just mastered the art of speedily undoing a belted romper and now I feel like I’m back in the little leagues.”
On the tentatively titled “Wacky Booty-Call Tuesday,” the office encourages students to choose another student from a radically different circle of friends with whom to flirtext, sext, and eventually perform a “wacky booty call.” Mark Romberg from OSA says the first two Tuesdays of this event have been a resounding success.
“I can’t describe to you the joy I felt when I saw a young flexual woman early this morning, stumbling home to Open House from Fauver, her flannel barely buttoned,” he said. “Already I feel the sense of community here has gotten much stronger. The amount of people wearing those big black-framed glasses at the football game last week was simply remarkable!”
Others do not feel such strong attachment to the new theme-night. Chaz Birmingham, deputy captain of the baseball team, found the differences between him and his new Tuesday Friend impossible to get past.
“What really got to me was that she wanted to play dubstep while we were hooking up. I mean, Marvin Gaye I can deal with. I can even get my groove on to electroclash. But I draw the line at dubstep. I mean, a man hasta have a little dignity.”
“Personally, I don’t like it,” said Thaddeus Schwartz, an Eclectic resident. “Call me weird, but it’s just too easy to remove running shorts, t-shirts, and sports bras. I just mastered the art of speedily undoing a belted romper and now I feel like I’m back in the little leagues.”
What You Should Not Have Brought (But Didn't Not)
Everyone knows the most hectic part of college is move-in day. In between trying to keep your gay lover hidden from your parents and reestablishing contact with your friendly neighborhood drug dealer, there’s a lot to get done in just a couple days. It’s only natural that in this state panic you would under- or overpack. With that in mind, the Ampersand has taken it upon itself to tell you exactly
WHAT YOU BROUGHT TO COLLEGE BUT DIDN'T NEED:
- Your little brother: Sooner or later, he’s going to find out that this isn’t a camping trip, the tarp under your bed isn’t a tent, and your roommate isn’t a bear. Also, this’ll mean you won’t have to keep all your food suspended in a cooler in the middle of the room.
- Your 4500 cubic centimeter scale model of Vienna’s Westbahnhof Train Station: Yes, it’s very impressive the way you knit the tiny uniforms for the tiny conductors and yes, it probably could get you all the chicks. But the fact is it simply takes up too much space for you to display your Ferris Bueller diorama.
- That many condoms: Come on dude, get real.
Of course, there’s also the possibility that there’s
STUFF YOU WILL NEED BUT DIDN'T BRING TO COLLEGE
- An Elvis-shaped whisky decanter: Who doesn’t want to drink from the neck hole of the King?
- A sense of self-worth: At some point, you aren’t experimenting with your sexuality. You’re just a slut.
- A tub of mayonnaise, a three-legged stool, and a pit bull that answers to “Vinny”: Believe me, these are going to come in handy in a big way.
WHAT YOU BROUGHT TO COLLEGE BUT DIDN'T NEED:
- Your little brother: Sooner or later, he’s going to find out that this isn’t a camping trip, the tarp under your bed isn’t a tent, and your roommate isn’t a bear. Also, this’ll mean you won’t have to keep all your food suspended in a cooler in the middle of the room.
- Your 4500 cubic centimeter scale model of Vienna’s Westbahnhof Train Station: Yes, it’s very impressive the way you knit the tiny uniforms for the tiny conductors and yes, it probably could get you all the chicks. But the fact is it simply takes up too much space for you to display your Ferris Bueller diorama.
- That many condoms: Come on dude, get real.
Of course, there’s also the possibility that there’s
STUFF YOU WILL NEED BUT DIDN'T BRING TO COLLEGE
- An Elvis-shaped whisky decanter: Who doesn’t want to drink from the neck hole of the King?
- A sense of self-worth: At some point, you aren’t experimenting with your sexuality. You’re just a slut.
- A tub of mayonnaise, a three-legged stool, and a pit bull that answers to “Vinny”: Believe me, these are going to come in handy in a big way.
Ways To Drive Your RA Crazy
- Ask, “Where is the bathroom?”
- Ask if you can go to breakfast in your pajamas.
- Tell them you’re having trouble flushing the toilet.
- Ask if babies are born from the butt.
- Ask if there is a truancy officer.
- Ask them to put calamine lotion on your infected nipple piercing.
- Never lower your hand at a hall meeting.
- Say loudly that you believe that spectra of gender identity, sexual idenitiy, and biological sex are acutally cycles, i.e. if you become too gay, you get straight.
- Pucker your lips whenever in their presence: they won’t know if something is wrong or if you’re doing it on purpose.
- Ask if you can do crunches in your room, or only in the athletic center.
- Practice your keytar.
- Ask, “Is unlocking a door like sex for a key?”
- Turn hir peephole around so you can watch ze in hir room.
- Ask if you can go to breakfast in your pajamas.
- Tell them you’re having trouble flushing the toilet.
- Ask if babies are born from the butt.
- Ask if there is a truancy officer.
- Ask them to put calamine lotion on your infected nipple piercing.
- Never lower your hand at a hall meeting.
- Say loudly that you believe that spectra of gender identity, sexual idenitiy, and biological sex are acutally cycles, i.e. if you become too gay, you get straight.
- Pucker your lips whenever in their presence: they won’t know if something is wrong or if you’re doing it on purpose.
- Ask if you can do crunches in your room, or only in the athletic center.
- Practice your keytar.
- Ask, “Is unlocking a door like sex for a key?”
- Turn hir peephole around so you can watch ze in hir room.
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