Everyone knows the most hectic part of college is move-in day. In between trying to keep your gay lover hidden from your parents and reestablishing contact with your friendly neighborhood drug dealer, there’s a lot to get done in just a couple days. It’s only natural that in this state panic you would under- or overpack. With that in mind, the Ampersand has taken it upon itself to tell you exactly
WHAT YOU BROUGHT TO COLLEGE BUT DIDN'T NEED:
- Your little brother: Sooner or later, he’s going to find out that this isn’t a camping trip, the tarp under your bed isn’t a tent, and your roommate isn’t a bear. Also, this’ll mean you won’t have to keep all your food suspended in a cooler in the middle of the room.
- Your 4500 cubic centimeter scale model of Vienna’s Westbahnhof Train Station: Yes, it’s very impressive the way you knit the tiny uniforms for the tiny conductors and yes, it probably could get you all the chicks. But the fact is it simply takes up too much space for you to display your Ferris Bueller diorama.
- That many condoms: Come on dude, get real.
Of course, there’s also the possibility that there’s
STUFF YOU WILL NEED BUT DIDN'T BRING TO COLLEGE
- An Elvis-shaped whisky decanter: Who doesn’t want to drink from the neck hole of the King?
- A sense of self-worth: At some point, you aren’t experimenting with your sexuality. You’re just a slut.
- A tub of mayonnaise, a three-legged stool, and a pit bull that answers to “Vinny”: Believe me, these are going to come in handy in a big way.
9/14/10
Ways To Drive Your RA Crazy
- Ask, “Where is the bathroom?”
- Ask if you can go to breakfast in your pajamas.
- Tell them you’re having trouble flushing the toilet.
- Ask if babies are born from the butt.
- Ask if there is a truancy officer.
- Ask them to put calamine lotion on your infected nipple piercing.
- Never lower your hand at a hall meeting.
- Say loudly that you believe that spectra of gender identity, sexual idenitiy, and biological sex are acutally cycles, i.e. if you become too gay, you get straight.
- Pucker your lips whenever in their presence: they won’t know if something is wrong or if you’re doing it on purpose.
- Ask if you can do crunches in your room, or only in the athletic center.
- Practice your keytar.
- Ask, “Is unlocking a door like sex for a key?”
- Turn hir peephole around so you can watch ze in hir room.
- Ask if you can go to breakfast in your pajamas.
- Tell them you’re having trouble flushing the toilet.
- Ask if babies are born from the butt.
- Ask if there is a truancy officer.
- Ask them to put calamine lotion on your infected nipple piercing.
- Never lower your hand at a hall meeting.
- Say loudly that you believe that spectra of gender identity, sexual idenitiy, and biological sex are acutally cycles, i.e. if you become too gay, you get straight.
- Pucker your lips whenever in their presence: they won’t know if something is wrong or if you’re doing it on purpose.
- Ask if you can do crunches in your room, or only in the athletic center.
- Practice your keytar.
- Ask, “Is unlocking a door like sex for a key?”
- Turn hir peephole around so you can watch ze in hir room.
9/7/10
Trapped Students Await Rescue
Hedging their bets, University officials said on Sunday they will set up a red steam shovel as an option to rescue the 33 Chilean students trapped underground since August 5.
The 33 Chilean students arrived on campus almost a month early for Chilean Student Orientation, a special program designed to acclimate the Andes-dwellers to life in Middletown.
Due to the Summer Session’s use of other facilities, the students were housed in Deep-Deep-Down 4, a disused section of the West College dormitory. Seismic activity caused by a high-decibel Buru Style rehearsal collapsed the poorly maintained underground residence hall. Luckily, the students had congregated in the main room to practice their colorful indigenous weaving techniques, and the small common area was spared by the cave-in, which crushed over 90% of livable space. Rescuers spent several days trying to determine whether any students had survived. After inserting a thin pipe into the subterranean area, University officials communicated with the trapped students and learned that all 33 were alive and boisterous. One official said the rowdy noises emanating from the cavern suggested the students were having a Chilean party.
Isaac Thompson ’12, a Residential Life orientation worker, has emerged as the group’s spiritual leader. He has organized a small secular chapel and leads the group in daily, extra-hot Bikram yoga sessions. Thompson, in an e-mail, joked that he thought his “forced-triple freshman year was bad haha” but added, in all seriousness, that he would be demanding a great deal of overtime pay. The group has voted in rules governing communal eating, gender-neutral bathrooms, and quiet hours. Sexile etiquette is still being negotiated.
WesCo’s listserv has already generated dozens of ideas for lifting the trapped students’ spirits, including a benefit concert and the delivery of medicinal herbs through the three-inch hole that provides food and water. On Sunday night all the Chilean students received a text from Wesleyan Student Assembly vice-president Ben Firke, which read, “don’t worry guys. help is on the way. –re-elect Feiring/Firke.”
The WSA has commented that in the wake of this tragedy it would be disrespectful for University officials to enforce the new open-container policy.
The 33 Chilean students arrived on campus almost a month early for Chilean Student Orientation, a special program designed to acclimate the Andes-dwellers to life in Middletown.
Due to the Summer Session’s use of other facilities, the students were housed in Deep-Deep-Down 4, a disused section of the West College dormitory. Seismic activity caused by a high-decibel Buru Style rehearsal collapsed the poorly maintained underground residence hall. Luckily, the students had congregated in the main room to practice their colorful indigenous weaving techniques, and the small common area was spared by the cave-in, which crushed over 90% of livable space. Rescuers spent several days trying to determine whether any students had survived. After inserting a thin pipe into the subterranean area, University officials communicated with the trapped students and learned that all 33 were alive and boisterous. One official said the rowdy noises emanating from the cavern suggested the students were having a Chilean party.
Isaac Thompson ’12, a Residential Life orientation worker, has emerged as the group’s spiritual leader. He has organized a small secular chapel and leads the group in daily, extra-hot Bikram yoga sessions. Thompson, in an e-mail, joked that he thought his “forced-triple freshman year was bad haha” but added, in all seriousness, that he would be demanding a great deal of overtime pay. The group has voted in rules governing communal eating, gender-neutral bathrooms, and quiet hours. Sexile etiquette is still being negotiated.
WesCo’s listserv has already generated dozens of ideas for lifting the trapped students’ spirits, including a benefit concert and the delivery of medicinal herbs through the three-inch hole that provides food and water. On Sunday night all the Chilean students received a text from Wesleyan Student Assembly vice-president Ben Firke, which read, “don’t worry guys. help is on the way. –re-elect Feiring/Firke.”
The WSA has commented that in the wake of this tragedy it would be disrespectful for University officials to enforce the new open-container policy.
Wesleyan According to the 2014 Facebook Group
In the spirit of Orientation, the Ampersand has taken the liberty of compiling the most useful and insightful information from the Wesleyan 2014 Facebook group into a handy-dandy Guide to Places, Faces, and Terms at Wesleyan. These are actual quotes. Check it:
- 200 Church: Better known as “Minority House,” this program house is located “on the greens, close the Usdan library,” or maybe “like, across from the Bayit, but I could be very wrong.” 200 Church are “generally really nice guys who are very tight.”
- The ACB: The what?
- Butts: The Butts are “where people who are generally neutral and quite honestly, awesome live.” Offers a “well-knit community.” Bonus: “you get to meet upperclassmen.” Note: if you don’t live in the Butts, you will meet zero upperclassmen, neutral or partisan.
- Class of 2014: They chose Wesleyan for “the University Major and the campus-wide downloading network.” They’re passionate about “guitar, existentialism, the history of film, nature as both a solitary entity and an environmental issue, and fucking party.” And this is sooo shameless, but you should check out my music/film blog at http://theboyandcolors. blogspot.com/
- Fauver: “If you like sleeping, DON’T COME TO FAUVER. If you like to party and football and stuff like that, that’s the place for you.”
- Queer Life: There is none. “The LGBQ disbanded like 2 years ago.” Sorry.
- Usdan: Main campus library, next to Minority House.
- Wesleyan: “A crazy unique place where everyone has such interesting hobbies and passions.”
- Wesleyan College Republicans: “An active student group with a lot of big plans for the fall, and there are some really great opportunities to get involved.” Their plans may be really big, but the thread has zero replies.
- WestCo: “Everyone smokes weed there.” “Not everyone smokes weed there.” “Everyone smokes weed there.” “Not everyone smokes week there.” Regardless, “I am on bended knee thanking the powers that be for granting me a much-coveted spot in this highly sought-after, magical place.” Everyone smokes weed there.
- Ze Who Must Not Be Named Day: “It’s just some getting crazy, loose, and taking drugs kind of uh . . . celebration?”
Map of Wesleyan:
- 200 Church: Better known as “Minority House,” this program house is located “on the greens, close the Usdan library,” or maybe “like, across from the Bayit, but I could be very wrong.” 200 Church are “generally really nice guys who are very tight.”
- The ACB: The what?
- Butts: The Butts are “where people who are generally neutral and quite honestly, awesome live.” Offers a “well-knit community.” Bonus: “you get to meet upperclassmen.” Note: if you don’t live in the Butts, you will meet zero upperclassmen, neutral or partisan.
- Class of 2014: They chose Wesleyan for “the University Major and the campus-wide downloading network.” They’re passionate about “guitar, existentialism, the history of film, nature as both a solitary entity and an environmental issue, and fucking party.” And this is sooo shameless, but you should check out my music/film blog at http://theboyandcolors. blogspot.com/
- Fauver: “If you like sleeping, DON’T COME TO FAUVER. If you like to party and football and stuff like that, that’s the place for you.”
- Queer Life: There is none. “The LGBQ disbanded like 2 years ago.” Sorry.
- Usdan: Main campus library, next to Minority House.
- Wesleyan: “A crazy unique place where everyone has such interesting hobbies and passions.”
- Wesleyan College Republicans: “An active student group with a lot of big plans for the fall, and there are some really great opportunities to get involved.” Their plans may be really big, but the thread has zero replies.
- WestCo: “Everyone smokes weed there.” “Not everyone smokes weed there.” “Everyone smokes weed there.” “Not everyone smokes week there.” Regardless, “I am on bended knee thanking the powers that be for granting me a much-coveted spot in this highly sought-after, magical place.” Everyone smokes weed there.
- Ze Who Must Not Be Named Day: “It’s just some getting crazy, loose, and taking drugs kind of uh . . . celebration?”
Map of Wesleyan:
A Message For Transfers
Dear Incoming Transfers,
Congratulations on your acceptance to Wesleyan University! Transfers are a unique segment of the Wesleyan population notable for being unmemorable, unimportant and largely ignored. But never fear! Exciting opportunities await you.
Among the many housing options for you are halls such as Nicolson 5.86, known by hard-working custodians as the “Janitor’s Closet.” Or, to prepare you for a more independent lifestyle, you might enjoy living in Butterfields Q, a BYOB dorm (Bring Your Own Bed/desk/everything). We’d recommend furnishing your room via Waste Not, an event featuring used, discarded, and unwanted goods (you’ll feel right at home).
Feeling hungry? Then you’ll want to head on over to the Transfer Trough, just outside of Usdan (where the real Wesleyan students eat). Are you vegetarian? A meat lover? Well, your gruel will have a little bit of everything! Here at Wesleyan, we firmly believe in a liberal arts education where YOU choose your own path. Transfers have the options of shadowing real students or participating in medical experiments faculty research. Upperclassmen have already registered for their courses, but there are open seats in exciting classes such as “17th Century Penmanship,” “Sinbad,” and “Understanding Nutrition: Making My Lunch” (in which you will prepare me delicious sandwiches daily). The drop-add period lasts a full week, during which you’ll be able to continue to give up/run away, just like you did last year.
You all should have received your orientation packet by now. Please note that transfers are required to fill out all health forms and provide a blood sample, proving that you do not have a grievous blood-borne aliment. We need that blood. Also included is the scarlet “T” you must wear at all times on campus. Finally, we included a little treat: earlier this month, one of the “Class of 2014” mugs fell and shattered—we’ve sent you each a shard.
The year ahead is full of exciting opportunities—not for you so much, but you’ll see others enjoying themselves, and you’re more than welcome to observe them from the allotted Transfer section of Foss Hill. I know there is a lot to take in, but with an open mind and low expectations, you might not fuck up again.
Sincerely,
Milton Penis
Dean of Transfers and Assistant Exterminator
Congratulations on your acceptance to Wesleyan University! Transfers are a unique segment of the Wesleyan population notable for being unmemorable, unimportant and largely ignored. But never fear! Exciting opportunities await you.
Among the many housing options for you are halls such as Nicolson 5.86, known by hard-working custodians as the “Janitor’s Closet.” Or, to prepare you for a more independent lifestyle, you might enjoy living in Butterfields Q, a BYOB dorm (Bring Your Own Bed/desk/everything). We’d recommend furnishing your room via Waste Not, an event featuring used, discarded, and unwanted goods (you’ll feel right at home).
Feeling hungry? Then you’ll want to head on over to the Transfer Trough, just outside of Usdan (where the real Wesleyan students eat). Are you vegetarian? A meat lover? Well, your gruel will have a little bit of everything! Here at Wesleyan, we firmly believe in a liberal arts education where YOU choose your own path. Transfers have the options of shadowing real students or participating in medical experiments faculty research. Upperclassmen have already registered for their courses, but there are open seats in exciting classes such as “17th Century Penmanship,” “Sinbad,” and “Understanding Nutrition: Making My Lunch” (in which you will prepare me delicious sandwiches daily). The drop-add period lasts a full week, during which you’ll be able to continue to give up/run away, just like you did last year.
You all should have received your orientation packet by now. Please note that transfers are required to fill out all health forms and provide a blood sample, proving that you do not have a grievous blood-borne aliment. We need that blood. Also included is the scarlet “T” you must wear at all times on campus. Finally, we included a little treat: earlier this month, one of the “Class of 2014” mugs fell and shattered—we’ve sent you each a shard.
The year ahead is full of exciting opportunities—not for you so much, but you’ll see others enjoying themselves, and you’re more than welcome to observe them from the allotted Transfer section of Foss Hill. I know there is a lot to take in, but with an open mind and low expectations, you might not fuck up again.
Sincerely,
Milton Penis
Dean of Transfers and Assistant Exterminator
9/4/10
A Note from the Editors
Your computer monitor is currently displaying the first 2010-2011 issue of the Wesleyan Ampersand, the humor section of the Argus. Freshpersons, we hope Orientation was satisfactory, and that everyone engaged at your hall meetings. Now begins your four years of college. Stay alert. We at the Ampersand do not want you to enter this strange and exciting new period of your life without some sound advice from those with experience, dignity, and smooth, firm biceps. So here is everything we could think of during the nine minutes it took to microwave our foot-long hero sandwiches:
• Walk around in large packs; there is strength in numbers. Solid evidence from all phyla of the animal kingdom supports this.
• On Tuesdays, the Gatorade dispenser in Usdan actually dispenses vermouth.
• Think carefully before you get ice cream and pizza at the same time: you’ll have to eat the pizza while the ice cream melts, or eat the ice cream while the pizza gets cold!
• Hollow out books that you think are boring—the storage is worth it. We recommend Thucydides’ History of the Peloponnesian War. Anyone at the Ampersand can summarize it for you.
• Beta has free milk after 7 pm on the first Thursday of every second month. Knock and ask politely.
• If you knock long enough on the Skull and Serpent tomb door, it will open.
• If your party is busted by P-safe, hide all the liquor in your mouth. P-safe is not allowed to search your mouth.
• Have a ribald good time without alcohol: hold your breath until you feel lightheaded.
• There is fifth WestCo (Down 5) underneath the CFA, only accessible by dumbwaiter on the Sabbath.
• Be discerning about who you spend your time with: time is money, and money is cash, and Cash Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)
• When a hawk or falcon eats a squirrel, the tail is left behind. Look downwind.
• Caressed or licked, the popliteal fossa (the patch of skin behind the knee) is a powerful erogenous zone. Seduce Zes and Hirs using this technique. Attain best access by slithering along the floor.
• Check your testicles for strange lumps in the shower, or have a friend do it.
• See if you can throw a handful of yogurt in Usdan without hitting someone who went to high school at Fieldston.
• The tunnels are just a dirty hallway that someone graffitied.
• Don’t pee in bottles.
• Don’t be an asshole.
—Piers & Benjamin
• Walk around in large packs; there is strength in numbers. Solid evidence from all phyla of the animal kingdom supports this.
• On Tuesdays, the Gatorade dispenser in Usdan actually dispenses vermouth.
• Think carefully before you get ice cream and pizza at the same time: you’ll have to eat the pizza while the ice cream melts, or eat the ice cream while the pizza gets cold!
• Hollow out books that you think are boring—the storage is worth it. We recommend Thucydides’ History of the Peloponnesian War. Anyone at the Ampersand can summarize it for you.
• Beta has free milk after 7 pm on the first Thursday of every second month. Knock and ask politely.
• If you knock long enough on the Skull and Serpent tomb door, it will open.
• If your party is busted by P-safe, hide all the liquor in your mouth. P-safe is not allowed to search your mouth.
• Have a ribald good time without alcohol: hold your breath until you feel lightheaded.
• There is fifth WestCo (Down 5) underneath the CFA, only accessible by dumbwaiter on the Sabbath.
• Be discerning about who you spend your time with: time is money, and money is cash, and Cash Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)
• When a hawk or falcon eats a squirrel, the tail is left behind. Look downwind.
• Caressed or licked, the popliteal fossa (the patch of skin behind the knee) is a powerful erogenous zone. Seduce Zes and Hirs using this technique. Attain best access by slithering along the floor.
• Check your testicles for strange lumps in the shower, or have a friend do it.
• See if you can throw a handful of yogurt in Usdan without hitting someone who went to high school at Fieldston.
• The tunnels are just a dirty hallway that someone graffitied.
• Don’t pee in bottles.
• Don’t be an asshole.
—Piers & Benjamin
Points Of View
What has been your favorite part of Orientation so far?
Andrej Filn ’14
“Meeting all the other ’14ers! It’s great to see that social interactions are just as stilted and nauseatingly artificial in person as they are on the Facebook group.”
Amanda Roller ’14
“My first time pooping in a gender-neutral bathroom really opened my mind to the cycle of socialization that propagates society’s reflexive and endemic fear, ignorance, confusion, and insecurity.”
Jordan Reffick ’14
“Listening to the new MGMT album with my roommate/new best friend! I can’t believe those guys went here!”
Andrej Filn ’14
“Meeting all the other ’14ers! It’s great to see that social interactions are just as stilted and nauseatingly artificial in person as they are on the Facebook group.”
Amanda Roller ’14
“My first time pooping in a gender-neutral bathroom really opened my mind to the cycle of socialization that propagates society’s reflexive and endemic fear, ignorance, confusion, and insecurity.”
Jordan Reffick ’14
“Listening to the new MGMT album with my roommate/new best friend! I can’t believe those guys went here!”
An E-mail Home
hey mom & dad,
orientation was really fun. one of the things i went to was bend it at beckham. i thought they were just going to show that movie about the soccer lesbians? lame right? but actually it was a dance party where everyone bends their gender. (you wouldn’t get it, but the girls dress like lil wayne and the guys wear like, tight skirts and a boner) a boob touched me, so pretty fun. basically saw some dude (?) receiving dome i think. dad, dont tell mom what dome is. one night even my roommate was like “freshman orientation? more like sexual orientation” haha. but then he told me he heard what dad said about his west side story posters when we were unpacking?thanks…. not. anyway, in general the girls i talked to so far seemed DTF and smart/nice. dad, don’t tell mom what DTF is. one thing though is i walked into the bathroom when my RA was getting out of the shower….. really big areolas, kind of weird/gross. talk about the real world. so yeah, i actually am learning a lot. i miss you guys kind of, except gram-gram, who was really mean to me for some reason when we left on move in day. tell her i said she can go genderfuck herself, my ipad is cool. (chill its not a swear- will explain later.)
- jon
orientation was really fun. one of the things i went to was bend it at beckham. i thought they were just going to show that movie about the soccer lesbians? lame right? but actually it was a dance party where everyone bends their gender. (you wouldn’t get it, but the girls dress like lil wayne and the guys wear like, tight skirts and a boner) a boob touched me, so pretty fun. basically saw some dude (?) receiving dome i think. dad, dont tell mom what dome is. one night even my roommate was like “freshman orientation? more like sexual orientation” haha. but then he told me he heard what dad said about his west side story posters when we were unpacking?thanks…. not. anyway, in general the girls i talked to so far seemed DTF and smart/nice. dad, don’t tell mom what DTF is. one thing though is i walked into the bathroom when my RA was getting out of the shower….. really big areolas, kind of weird/gross. talk about the real world. so yeah, i actually am learning a lot. i miss you guys kind of, except gram-gram, who was really mean to me for some reason when we left on move in day. tell her i said she can go genderfuck herself, my ipad is cool. (chill its not a swear- will explain later.)
- jon
New Foss Vies For Spotlight
Fresh faces on campus this year have something a little different to look forward to: a new hill dubbed ‘Freshman Foss,’ or ‘MoCon Foss,’ on the site of the demolished McConaughy Dining Hall. The sloping field of dirt faces the Vine Street tennis courts and features newly installed plastic fencing. Created in order to address both crowding on Foss and a gaping construction hole, student response has been overwhelmingly positive.
“Another hill! When I toured they only mentioned one!” said Miriam Winters '14. A sophomore transfer student, Kris Connors, added, “Dirt stains wash out better than grass stains.” The barren lot, which still has bits of rubble and wire sticking out of the ground, can’t be used as a sledding hill because it abuts a busy roadway, and sometimes the loose soil causes sudden falls to the sidewalk below. But many students welcome this change. “You have to pay attention,” said Connors. “It keeps you alert.”
Some older students don’t like the change to campus. The tennis team wishes to maintain its current lack of visibility. “It’s just better with no one there,” said one anonymous ball boy.
Wesleyan Alumni have charged the University with disrespecting an Ancient Indian Food Burial Ground. “MoCon served samosas that one time,” said a Bon Appetit spokesperson. “They were pretty bad.”
For now, Freshman Foss is the perfect site for finding new friends. Three students have been bitten by the disoriented bats that burrow in the dirt furrows, and the trio bonded in the Middletown Hospital Emergency Room.
“I don’t think I’ll ever hang out on that bigger hill in the middle of campus,” said Greg Donovan ‘13, who recently contracted tetanus on the new hill from a piece of jagged pipe. "This one's steeper, edgier, all around awesome."
“Another hill! When I toured they only mentioned one!” said Miriam Winters '14. A sophomore transfer student, Kris Connors, added, “Dirt stains wash out better than grass stains.” The barren lot, which still has bits of rubble and wire sticking out of the ground, can’t be used as a sledding hill because it abuts a busy roadway, and sometimes the loose soil causes sudden falls to the sidewalk below. But many students welcome this change. “You have to pay attention,” said Connors. “It keeps you alert.”
Some older students don’t like the change to campus. The tennis team wishes to maintain its current lack of visibility. “It’s just better with no one there,” said one anonymous ball boy.
Wesleyan Alumni have charged the University with disrespecting an Ancient Indian Food Burial Ground. “MoCon served samosas that one time,” said a Bon Appetit spokesperson. “They were pretty bad.”
For now, Freshman Foss is the perfect site for finding new friends. Three students have been bitten by the disoriented bats that burrow in the dirt furrows, and the trio bonded in the Middletown Hospital Emergency Room.
“I don’t think I’ll ever hang out on that bigger hill in the middle of campus,” said Greg Donovan ‘13, who recently contracted tetanus on the new hill from a piece of jagged pipe. "This one's steeper, edgier, all around awesome."
Navigating Sexile: Put Your Roommate Back in Hir Place
The practice of sexile, whereby one roommate is ignominiously banished while the other has sex with a person, is an unfortunate aspect of the freshman experience. Lest you find yourself in the cold, lonely straits of waiting in a friend’s room trying not to look at their lame Wicked poster, take these handy preemptive measures:
• Prepare a memo about your roommate’s shortcomings and weaknesses and distribute it after class.
• Leave your Duplo collection next to hir bed. Duplo is a bonerkill.
• Forsake language, sleep hanging from the ceiling, and hunt squirrels. Gain a reputation around campus as “the Wildman” (even if you aren’t a man), so your roommate will thus be cursed with the reputation of “the one who lives with the Wildman.”
• Say, “Isn’t three enough for one evening?” if your roommate enters with a potential mate.
• If you absolutely must have the room that night, barricade the door with their mattress and don’t let them in no matter what you might hear outside.
• Spread rumors about your roommate: ze used SparkNotes for Plato’s Republic in high school; ze is secretly covered with oozing, contagious pustules; ze doesn’t think too highly of the new Panda Bear singles; ze deals 50% oregano to unsuspecting freshmen.
• Discuss the possibility of sexile with your roommate and come to your own arrangement.
However, should the worst come to pass, you aren’t entirely out of options. You can camp out in the library, just like the pioneers did. Although the building technically closes at night, you can probably set up a tent and campfire in the stacks without anyone finding you. If there are people making the beast with two backs in the stacks right next to your campsite, go to your advisor’s house and ask to use the guest room. That’s what they’re for.
• Prepare a memo about your roommate’s shortcomings and weaknesses and distribute it after class.
• Leave your Duplo collection next to hir bed. Duplo is a bonerkill.
• Forsake language, sleep hanging from the ceiling, and hunt squirrels. Gain a reputation around campus as “the Wildman” (even if you aren’t a man), so your roommate will thus be cursed with the reputation of “the one who lives with the Wildman.”
• Say, “Isn’t three enough for one evening?” if your roommate enters with a potential mate.
• If you absolutely must have the room that night, barricade the door with their mattress and don’t let them in no matter what you might hear outside.
• Spread rumors about your roommate: ze used SparkNotes for Plato’s Republic in high school; ze is secretly covered with oozing, contagious pustules; ze doesn’t think too highly of the new Panda Bear singles; ze deals 50% oregano to unsuspecting freshmen.
• Discuss the possibility of sexile with your roommate and come to your own arrangement.
However, should the worst come to pass, you aren’t entirely out of options. You can camp out in the library, just like the pioneers did. Although the building technically closes at night, you can probably set up a tent and campfire in the stacks without anyone finding you. If there are people making the beast with two backs in the stacks right next to your campsite, go to your advisor’s house and ask to use the guest room. That’s what they’re for.
5/4/10
Mytheos to Wesleyan: “You Been Trolled, Bitches.”
In a shocking revelation to the Wesleyan community this week, noted campus conservative Mytheos Holt ’10 declared himself “the ultimate troll,” revealing his entire right-wing persona to be a sick four-year-long joke.
“You been trolled, bitches!” announced the History and Government double major in a final Mytheology column, entitled Wesleyan Viewed From The LOLZ. “The school is my ACB, and my reCAPTCHA is ‘gullible as fuck.’ What now!”
Holt’s announcement refutes years of speculation that his conservatism is either a complex sociology experiment or an extended sort of Kaufman-esque performance art installation. Others have hypothesized that Holt’s persona is a DKE pledge task gone horribly awry; one Psychology professor, choosing to remain anonymous, terms the resulting condition “Schizophrenic Republican Fragmentation Syndrome.”
Following graduation, Mr. Holt intends to move to Williamsburg and work as a staff writer for Keith Olbermann’s Countdown.
“You been trolled, bitches!” announced the History and Government double major in a final Mytheology column, entitled Wesleyan Viewed From The LOLZ. “The school is my ACB, and my reCAPTCHA is ‘gullible as fuck.’ What now!”
Holt’s announcement refutes years of speculation that his conservatism is either a complex sociology experiment or an extended sort of Kaufman-esque performance art installation. Others have hypothesized that Holt’s persona is a DKE pledge task gone horribly awry; one Psychology professor, choosing to remain anonymous, terms the resulting condition “Schizophrenic Republican Fragmentation Syndrome.”
Following graduation, Mr. Holt intends to move to Williamsburg and work as a staff writer for Keith Olbermann’s Countdown.
4/19/10
Pre-frosh Parents: Do not Worry About Your Child’s Welfare
At Wesleyan, we take fun seriously. We take safety with a few shots of tequila, and I don’t think anyone wears underpants anymore. I don’t. That is to say, we’re all adults here at Wes. Your precious offspring are in well-meaning, moisturized, semi-criminal hands for the weekend. And hopefully over the next four developmentally delicate years, they will become us.
Their immature and adorable buds of drug habits will blossom into sweeping gardens of abuse and disorder. They’ll learn how to cram a week’s worth of homework into one night of caffeinated and fluorescently lit delirium.
There’s a lot to look forward to.
-Dave
Their immature and adorable buds of drug habits will blossom into sweeping gardens of abuse and disorder. They’ll learn how to cram a week’s worth of homework into one night of caffeinated and fluorescently lit delirium.
There’s a lot to look forward to.
-Dave
Points Of View
Wesleyan’s incoming Class of2014 survived a 20% acceptance rate — the most selective rate in the school’s history. Why do you think you were admitted to the university?
Frank Libosh ‘14
“I don’t know! I don’t even practice Methodism!”
Amanda Seeler ‘14
“Everyone always writes their college essay about doing volunteer work in Nicaragua. I wrote mine about volunteer work in Honduras.”
Suspenders Charlie ‘14
Let’s just say there was no alleged dick-sucking of any kind – know what I mean?
Frank Libosh ‘14
“I don’t know! I don’t even practice Methodism!”
Amanda Seeler ‘14
“Everyone always writes their college essay about doing volunteer work in Nicaragua. I wrote mine about volunteer work in Honduras.”
Suspenders Charlie ‘14
Let’s just say there was no alleged dick-sucking of any kind – know what I mean?
Public Safety Alert: Danger Lurking at Wesfest
Public Safety would like to alert the community that prefrosh season is upon us. It is important for all students to familiarize themselves with the warning signs of potentially dangerous prefrosh encounters. These beasts are often observed travelling in packs, accompanied by what seem to be older, more neurotic prefrosh. They are also usually seen carrying around handfuls of brochures and information sheets: nesting materials. Be aware that prefrosh are especially inclined to sleep on the floors of inhabited dorm rooms. Should you find a prefrosh living in your room, keep in mind that it is just as afraid of you as you are of it.
You may have noticed groups of prefrosh being led around by Wesleyan students: please understand that these students are specially trained to handle big groups of these wild creatures. Please do not approach any of these groups, because the prefrosh could become startled and attack the group leader in its confusion, or harm itself. Topics of conversation that could provoke an advance by a prefrosh include standardized test scores, the Brown waitlist, and especially Justin Bieber. Finally, remember that the prefrosh is a majestic animal, beautiful and horrifying at the same time. They are essential to the local ecology, and attempts to exterminate prefrosh are strongly discouraged. For this reason, Public Safety has set up enclosed drop sites at Admissions where prefrosh can be held and safely released back into the wild. The cooperation of the student body in this matter is appreciated.
You may have noticed groups of prefrosh being led around by Wesleyan students: please understand that these students are specially trained to handle big groups of these wild creatures. Please do not approach any of these groups, because the prefrosh could become startled and attack the group leader in its confusion, or harm itself. Topics of conversation that could provoke an advance by a prefrosh include standardized test scores, the Brown waitlist, and especially Justin Bieber. Finally, remember that the prefrosh is a majestic animal, beautiful and horrifying at the same time. They are essential to the local ecology, and attempts to exterminate prefrosh are strongly discouraged. For this reason, Public Safety has set up enclosed drop sites at Admissions where prefrosh can be held and safely released back into the wild. The cooperation of the student body in this matter is appreciated.
Spotlight on Inspirational Prefrosh: Usdan Fayerweather
The Ampersand interviewed a particularly representative prefrosh named Usdan Fayerweather.
Ampersand: So baby, why Wesleyan?
UF: Well, it’s the perfect environment for me to expand my mind, both with and without hallucinogens. Pot’s starting to lose that extra “oomph” for me, you know?
Amp: What’s the deal with your fishy name?
UF: Oh, that’s just a coincidence. My parents were very formal.
Amp: So Usdan – can I call you Usdan? We know you have a passion for stamp collection. How did you rise to the top of Stamp Kollectors Electorate Enterprise Today (SKEET), the premiere stamp collecting association in North America?
UF: I’ve done things I’m not proud of.
Amp: You’re also an accomplished R&B artist, correct?
UF: That’s right. In fact, I’m in the midst of merging my two passions. My latest album was called “Lickin’ Yo Back.” It’s a concept album about what it means to be a nongendered stamp collector in America, and the persecution it brings. I like to think that my position as the foremost R&B artist who collects stamps lets me give a voice to a sizable minority that would otherwise have to suffer in silence, and I’d really love to experiment further with my music. Some sort of punk/polka fusion thing.
Amp: One last question: are you Wesleyan?
UF: That’s a tough one. I have quoted Hume, Hegel, and Homer Simpson, but if I were a car, I’d probably be an Oldsmobile with authentic pleather interior, with a pair of fuzzy dice under the mirror.
Ampersand: So baby, why Wesleyan?
UF: Well, it’s the perfect environment for me to expand my mind, both with and without hallucinogens. Pot’s starting to lose that extra “oomph” for me, you know?
Amp: What’s the deal with your fishy name?
UF: Oh, that’s just a coincidence. My parents were very formal.
Amp: So Usdan – can I call you Usdan? We know you have a passion for stamp collection. How did you rise to the top of Stamp Kollectors Electorate Enterprise Today (SKEET), the premiere stamp collecting association in North America?
UF: I’ve done things I’m not proud of.
Amp: You’re also an accomplished R&B artist, correct?
UF: That’s right. In fact, I’m in the midst of merging my two passions. My latest album was called “Lickin’ Yo Back.” It’s a concept album about what it means to be a nongendered stamp collector in America, and the persecution it brings. I like to think that my position as the foremost R&B artist who collects stamps lets me give a voice to a sizable minority that would otherwise have to suffer in silence, and I’d really love to experiment further with my music. Some sort of punk/polka fusion thing.
Amp: One last question: are you Wesleyan?
UF: That’s a tough one. I have quoted Hume, Hegel, and Homer Simpson, but if I were a car, I’d probably be an Oldsmobile with authentic pleather interior, with a pair of fuzzy dice under the mirror.
Class of 2014: Admitted Students Profile
In an exclusive Class of 2014 profile released this week, the Stewart M. Reid Office of Admissions proudly announced that only 31% of accepted students are complete tools. “Of the remaining 69%, approximately 18% are pretentious cocklaundry,” explained Senior Dean of Admissions Gregory Pyke in a comprehensive report. “The last 51% splits pretty evenly between ass-hoses and Das Racist-fetishizing dickstubs.” The report also flaunted the incoming class’s geographic diversity, noting that only 36% of the potential class hails from Manhattan’s Upper East Side, with Brooklyn, Long Island, and Westchester claiming 17%, 20%, and 37% respectively. “There was also that one young lady from Montana,” added Pyke. “I knew it was a risk, but I have a thing for applicants with nursing home volunteer experience.”
4/7/10
Roth Has a Birthday, But That Doesn't Make Him Mortal!
Michael S. Roth, Guardian of Wesleyan (and my dreams), turns one year older on this Thursday, April 8th. He’s rumored to be between several thousand and infinity years old, but some scientists report that time itself is defined by his existence.
In addition to his mythically large penis and invisible handlebar mustache, we can all agree that he’s the gentle and mysterious father-figure that we desperately seek approval from. I’ve been sleeping outside his office for the last two weeks, and I can tell you that he works, and smells vaguely, like a lion king.
This week’s Ampersand is dedicated to the Mary Poppins of liberal arts college presidents, Sir Michael “the human saxophone” Roth, esq.
-Dave
In addition to his mythically large penis and invisible handlebar mustache, we can all agree that he’s the gentle and mysterious father-figure that we desperately seek approval from. I’ve been sleeping outside his office for the last two weeks, and I can tell you that he works, and smells vaguely, like a lion king.
This week’s Ampersand is dedicated to the Mary Poppins of liberal arts college presidents, Sir Michael “the human saxophone” Roth, esq.
-Dave
To the birthday boy and Wesleyan at large
The Ampersand is throwing a party for our favorite Jewish-American academic! And everyone is invited! Come eat some veal and play Twister with us as we commemorate this special day, and celebrate our favorite 16th President of Wesleyan! It’s all going down Thursday at PAC, from 9 p.m. to question mark. As you might expect, there will be plenty of fun snacks and sphincter-tingling activities, including an appearance by the third most popular plus-sized stripper troupe in Middletown: Wash Yo Ass! Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire. We booked Justin Bieber and baked him into a cake, just for you, Michael! We at the Ampersand have even been doing serious journalistic research and source-citing (we hacked his e-mail) to determine some of Michael’s favorite party games. So, come on down and press your boobs against a wet pane of glass, or sip on some antifreeze! It’s sure to be a great time, especially because the party can’t get busted by PSafe. See you there, Mikey!
Roth Through the Ages
5290 BCE – After extensive travel through the Fertile Crescent, Roth invents writing, the wheel, agriculture, and metaphor.
5288 BCE – Roth begets Martin Benjamin ‘57, his first son and lifelong nemesis.
0 CE – Roth’s Id, Ego, and Superego split into three bodies and gift the baby Jesus with gold, frankincense, and myrrh, respectively.
99 CE – Roth invents the chariot.
1234 – Roth attains Nirvana.
1301 – Roth meets and inseminates Quetzalcoatl, fathers Odin.
1505 – Roth discovers the 12 uses of hemp, starts hemp activism.
1800s – Roth punches Nietzsche in the throat when he suggests that God is dead.
1874 – Roth fathers Winston Churchill.
1933 – Roth fathers Philip Roth.
1944 – Roth cuckolds FDR.
1966 – Roth graduates from fourth grade.
1974 – Roth applies to Wesleyan, gets accepted to Wesleyan, gets crunk at Wesfest.
1975 – Roth slays ADP Grotto Troll and is subsequently named President of ADP.
1977 – Roth fathers Kanye West.
1978 – Roth leaves Wesleyan a year early in order to search for horcruxes. ADP is left leaderless, and it will never recover.
1980 – Roth spurns Madonna. Most of her subsequent releases deal directly with this event.
1995 – Roth hi-fives Jerry Garcia on Jerry Garcia’s deathbed.
2001 – Roth invents the iPod.
April 8, 2010 – The Ampersand writes a brief timeline of Roth’s exploits.
2012 – Roth builds a time machine and travels back to his childhood and fathers himself.
5288 BCE – Roth begets Martin Benjamin ‘57, his first son and lifelong nemesis.
0 CE – Roth’s Id, Ego, and Superego split into three bodies and gift the baby Jesus with gold, frankincense, and myrrh, respectively.
99 CE – Roth invents the chariot.
1234 – Roth attains Nirvana.
1301 – Roth meets and inseminates Quetzalcoatl, fathers Odin.
1505 – Roth discovers the 12 uses of hemp, starts hemp activism.
1800s – Roth punches Nietzsche in the throat when he suggests that God is dead.
1874 – Roth fathers Winston Churchill.
1933 – Roth fathers Philip Roth.
1944 – Roth cuckolds FDR.
1966 – Roth graduates from fourth grade.
1974 – Roth applies to Wesleyan, gets accepted to Wesleyan, gets crunk at Wesfest.
1975 – Roth slays ADP Grotto Troll and is subsequently named President of ADP.
1977 – Roth fathers Kanye West.
1978 – Roth leaves Wesleyan a year early in order to search for horcruxes. ADP is left leaderless, and it will never recover.
1980 – Roth spurns Madonna. Most of her subsequent releases deal directly with this event.
1995 – Roth hi-fives Jerry Garcia on Jerry Garcia’s deathbed.
2001 – Roth invents the iPod.
April 8, 2010 – The Ampersand writes a brief timeline of Roth’s exploits.
2012 – Roth builds a time machine and travels back to his childhood and fathers himself.
New History Channel Show About Roth
The History Channel has announced that, after extensive talks with President Michael Roth, they are ready to move forward into preproduction of their newest show, “The Secret War: Michael Roth and the 17th Division.”
“We’re pleased to have Mr. Roth onboard for this project,” said History Channel spokesperson Derek Fellsh. “His is an amazing story. If it weren’t for him, the world would be overrun with the Communist undead.”
The show details his career in the 17th Division, a top-secret branch of Allied High Command, whose objective was to prevent the Communists from recovering ancient occult relics and gaining unimaginable power.
“There are several reasons we decided to focus on Michael,” Fellsh said. “He was a Captain of the 17th from its inception in 1950 to the defeat of Omega-Stalin and the Thule Society in 1969.”
The program will document several operations that Roth headed. These include the Division’s first mission in 1951, wherein they prevented a Soviet commander from attacking London with a doom cannon from a zeppelin hovering above the city, as well as the 1958 raid deep behind enemy lines (led by Roth) on the castle of Wolfenstein to prevent the Communists from gaining access to the “Black Sun,” a potentially limitless source of energy. However, Fellsh expressed particular frustration that the U.S. government explicitly prevented them from documenting the Division’s most dangerous mission: their journey to Hatay to recover an object code-named “The Grizzle Grail.”
“We weren’t allowed even to research that operation,” Fellsh said. “All they said was that revealing the identity of the operating commander would compromise national security. We also had to shoot the last few episodes quickly because Roth insisted that he couldn’t miss a Wesleyan recruiting dinner on the Russian island of Nova Zembla.”
“We’re pleased to have Mr. Roth onboard for this project,” said History Channel spokesperson Derek Fellsh. “His is an amazing story. If it weren’t for him, the world would be overrun with the Communist undead.”
The show details his career in the 17th Division, a top-secret branch of Allied High Command, whose objective was to prevent the Communists from recovering ancient occult relics and gaining unimaginable power.
“There are several reasons we decided to focus on Michael,” Fellsh said. “He was a Captain of the 17th from its inception in 1950 to the defeat of Omega-Stalin and the Thule Society in 1969.”
The program will document several operations that Roth headed. These include the Division’s first mission in 1951, wherein they prevented a Soviet commander from attacking London with a doom cannon from a zeppelin hovering above the city, as well as the 1958 raid deep behind enemy lines (led by Roth) on the castle of Wolfenstein to prevent the Communists from gaining access to the “Black Sun,” a potentially limitless source of energy. However, Fellsh expressed particular frustration that the U.S. government explicitly prevented them from documenting the Division’s most dangerous mission: their journey to Hatay to recover an object code-named “The Grizzle Grail.”
“We weren’t allowed even to research that operation,” Fellsh said. “All they said was that revealing the identity of the operating commander would compromise national security. We also had to shoot the last few episodes quickly because Roth insisted that he couldn’t miss a Wesleyan recruiting dinner on the Russian island of Nova Zembla.”
A Birthday Coupon
Coupon Entitles Bearer to a Beautiful Moment With Roth:
-ONE FREE HUG (and/or)
-SHIRTLESS CHEST BUMP (NIPPLE TO NIPPLE)
-SUGGESTIVE WINK
-SPONTANEOUS JAM SESSION
-ONE FREE HUG (and/or)
-SHIRTLESS CHEST BUMP (NIPPLE TO NIPPLE)
-SUGGESTIVE WINK
-SPONTANEOUS JAM SESSION
Michael Roth: President, Professor, Ball Buster
Here’s a list of things that Roth has actually said while lecturing for his class,
“The Past on Film.”
Roth on Philosophy: “We’re nihilists, man. We don’t believe in anything. Let’s go see Das Racist.”
Roth on Hipsters: “I’m told being a hipster is wearing a scarf—is that right?”
Roth on Undergraduate Housing: “If you’re majoring in Death, you should probably live in the Butts.”
Roth on Student Publications: “Can you imagine if The Argus didn’t have to resort to character assassinations of Assistant Professors and could just accuse people of being Nazis?”
Roth on Greek Life: “Anyone here in Eclectic? Right, P-Safe is waiting outside.”
Roth on Mass Conspiracy: “Every college has an a cappella group now. I think it’s a conspiracy to keep you politically inactive—you just sit around going, ‘Aaaah, oooh!’”
Roth on the Supernatural: “What’s telepathy?” [silence] “Right!”
Roth on Romance: “We were married a year later, which was no easy thing considering I was already married. This’ll happen to you someday—maybe not at Eclectic.”
Roth on Distraction: “We have been indoctrinated in a culture of distraction—excuse me for a minute.” [checks cell phone]
“The Past on Film.”
Roth on Philosophy: “We’re nihilists, man. We don’t believe in anything. Let’s go see Das Racist.”
Roth on Hipsters: “I’m told being a hipster is wearing a scarf—is that right?”
Roth on Undergraduate Housing: “If you’re majoring in Death, you should probably live in the Butts.”
Roth on Student Publications: “Can you imagine if The Argus didn’t have to resort to character assassinations of Assistant Professors and could just accuse people of being Nazis?”
Roth on Greek Life: “Anyone here in Eclectic? Right, P-Safe is waiting outside.”
Roth on Mass Conspiracy: “Every college has an a cappella group now. I think it’s a conspiracy to keep you politically inactive—you just sit around going, ‘Aaaah, oooh!’”
Roth on the Supernatural: “What’s telepathy?” [silence] “Right!”
Roth on Romance: “We were married a year later, which was no easy thing considering I was already married. This’ll happen to you someday—maybe not at Eclectic.”
Roth on Distraction: “We have been indoctrinated in a culture of distraction—excuse me for a minute.” [checks cell phone]
Roth Disappoints
In a shocking announcement made on Monday, March 29th, President Roth stated that he would not transform into an Adirondack black bear on his birthday this year.
Roth’s shapeshifting has been his annual birthday event at Wesleyan since he became president. He spends most of the day devouring students on Foss Hill, catching fish in the Connecticut River, and then holding a question and answer session in Exley.
Roth explained that he is unable to transform on any other day of the year due to the weather. “Basically, I’m just like Achilles,” President Roth said, “except that I can transform into a bear on my birthday.”
“I know the student body will be disappointed by my decision,” he said, “but these days, it’s all about vampires and werewolves. I’m not bitter, and I’m not accusing Wesleyan of discrimination, but last year when I was a bear everyone was all like, ‘Turn into a wolf! Turn into a wolf!’ I just don’t think that werebears have the same appeal that they used to.”
Roth reported receiving a number of angry letters and reports of ACB posts threatening to kidnap him and take blood samples to discover the secret to his human-bear transformation. Roth sent a public safety email to all Wesleyan students, but also informed the Ampersand that, “If they try anything, I’ll start bringing my brother to Wesleyan for his birthday. He transforms into a goddamn Allosaurus.”
Roth’s shapeshifting has been his annual birthday event at Wesleyan since he became president. He spends most of the day devouring students on Foss Hill, catching fish in the Connecticut River, and then holding a question and answer session in Exley.
Roth explained that he is unable to transform on any other day of the year due to the weather. “Basically, I’m just like Achilles,” President Roth said, “except that I can transform into a bear on my birthday.”
“I know the student body will be disappointed by my decision,” he said, “but these days, it’s all about vampires and werewolves. I’m not bitter, and I’m not accusing Wesleyan of discrimination, but last year when I was a bear everyone was all like, ‘Turn into a wolf! Turn into a wolf!’ I just don’t think that werebears have the same appeal that they used to.”
Roth reported receiving a number of angry letters and reports of ACB posts threatening to kidnap him and take blood samples to discover the secret to his human-bear transformation. Roth sent a public safety email to all Wesleyan students, but also informed the Ampersand that, “If they try anything, I’ll start bringing my brother to Wesleyan for his birthday. He transforms into a goddamn Allosaurus.”
3/4/10
The Editor Is a Model Citizen
Well, it finally happened. The year 2040 has rolled around and brought with it many new challenges as well as old politics. The mounting tension between the Coalition for Robot Affairs and Biomechanoidal Services (CRABS) and The Human Ethical Response Partnership Society (The HERPS) is reaching a bloody climax as each side continues to jam jagged things in the other’s figurative butthole. CRABS, the most well known lobby for robot rights, has been riding the government bareback with demands to impose constitutional bans on marriage restrictions for digital citizens. The HERPS has maintained an equally dogged style in their attempts to block any progress on that front.
In other news, the Google Corporation/Government has been doing an outstanding job, as usual!
-Dave
In other news, the Google Corporation/Government has been doing an outstanding job, as usual!
-Dave
Future Points Of View
How do you feel about your experience with Google-Wesleyan™ Enterprises?
Arlt Bleccchra ‘42
“I have found my experience to be most pleasing from an educational, aesthetic, and social perspective. Go Google!”
Juupl Keelihgxx ‘40
“No complaints here! I am so glad Google absorbed Wesleyan! Where would we be without it? Lost—that’s where!”
Anonymous ’43
“Frankly I’m sickened by the whole thing. This is corporate greed at its nauseating worst, and we should all be ashamed. Fuck Google in the face. GOOGLE IS MY FAMILY.”
Arlt Bleccchra ‘42
“I have found my experience to be most pleasing from an educational, aesthetic, and social perspective. Go Google!”
Juupl Keelihgxx ‘40
“No complaints here! I am so glad Google absorbed Wesleyan! Where would we be without it? Lost—that’s where!”
Anonymous ’43
“Frankly I’m sickened by the whole thing. This is corporate greed at its nauseating worst, and we should all be ashamed. Fuck Google in the face. GOOGLE IS MY FAMILY.”
Open Letter to the Class of 2040, by Martin Benjamin 2.0 ‘57
Dear Wesleyan,
This is an open letter to the graduating class—or should I say, the agitating class— of 2040. I might be a hundred-year-old clone, and the fluid byproducts that have been gradually accumulating in my brain might be impairing my fine motor skills and ability to reason, but I’m positive that you are up to the same sexed-up shenanigans that you were at the beginning of the century. And frankly, making sweeping generalizations is one of the only activities that doesn’t make me dizzy. It’s a real pity that the “Pornocopia” class is still in the curriculum after all these years. That pornography class, the delight of pussy-wet professorettes and cunillingual co-eds, makes a mockery of a once proud and starchy institution. And I don’t say this simply because
here is half a string of anal beads from the 70s permanently impacted in my rectum. I’ve already forgotten why I say this.
What will the next tricked out addition to the Bubble’s course load be? “Ungendering the Robot Diaspora?” Maybe some enterprising students will follow in their previous peers’ footsteps and design a forum on Phallic Seismology. How’s that for intellectual experimentation! My spyware-infected johnson trembles at the thought. And yet the student body continues to revel in the Marxist, blue-jeaned former president Obama. For whatever reason, his bullet-train-explosion death does not yet resonate with you all. It was obviously an assassination, and your brand of navel-gazing, honor code, synthesizer, Birkenstocking, nudist education clearly blew up with our late Socialist. I’m happy to deliver the hint.
This is an open letter to the graduating class—or should I say, the agitating class— of 2040. I might be a hundred-year-old clone, and the fluid byproducts that have been gradually accumulating in my brain might be impairing my fine motor skills and ability to reason, but I’m positive that you are up to the same sexed-up shenanigans that you were at the beginning of the century. And frankly, making sweeping generalizations is one of the only activities that doesn’t make me dizzy. It’s a real pity that the “Pornocopia” class is still in the curriculum after all these years. That pornography class, the delight of pussy-wet professorettes and cunillingual co-eds, makes a mockery of a once proud and starchy institution. And I don’t say this simply because
here is half a string of anal beads from the 70s permanently impacted in my rectum. I’ve already forgotten why I say this.
What will the next tricked out addition to the Bubble’s course load be? “Ungendering the Robot Diaspora?” Maybe some enterprising students will follow in their previous peers’ footsteps and design a forum on Phallic Seismology. How’s that for intellectual experimentation! My spyware-infected johnson trembles at the thought. And yet the student body continues to revel in the Marxist, blue-jeaned former president Obama. For whatever reason, his bullet-train-explosion death does not yet resonate with you all. It was obviously an assassination, and your brand of navel-gazing, honor code, synthesizer, Birkenstocking, nudist education clearly blew up with our late Socialist. I’m happy to deliver the hint.
Celebrate the Digital Movement
This month is national Robot Awareness Month (RAM). In observance, WesCRABS (refer to Editor’s note), Wesleyan’s largest robot activist group, would like to inform the student body of some upcoming and ongoing events:
- Starting next Monday, the cafeteria will add a Binary Data section to the menu. Workers promise to program the very best flavors. (Note: As of now, there is still no Vegan Binary Data option, much to the dismay of the combined vegan/robot collective, VEG-CRABS.)
- WesCRABS continues its protest of the screening of Terminator at the Film Series this month. Although the movie is a classic, it presents a skewed and potentially damaging caricature of conscious machines. We encourage students to continue to protest, though we ask that robot students refrain from directing their death ray eyes at film department professors. We feel that these incidents have already hurt our overall message.
- BotHouse will host its annual Android Party on March 16th. Come dressed as your favorite robot that looks just like a human, and learn how to fold origami unicorns!
- Lastly, on the March 29nd, there will be a talk by Berri Trosius, a sentient hyper-optimized data access network, who will discuss her experiences of discrimination by both humans and non-hyper-optimized data access networks.
- Starting next Monday, the cafeteria will add a Binary Data section to the menu. Workers promise to program the very best flavors. (Note: As of now, there is still no Vegan Binary Data option, much to the dismay of the combined vegan/robot collective, VEG-CRABS.)
- WesCRABS continues its protest of the screening of Terminator at the Film Series this month. Although the movie is a classic, it presents a skewed and potentially damaging caricature of conscious machines. We encourage students to continue to protest, though we ask that robot students refrain from directing their death ray eyes at film department professors. We feel that these incidents have already hurt our overall message.
- BotHouse will host its annual Android Party on March 16th. Come dressed as your favorite robot that looks just like a human, and learn how to fold origami unicorns!
- Lastly, on the March 29nd, there will be a talk by Berri Trosius, a sentient hyper-optimized data access network, who will discuss her experiences of discrimination by both humans and non-hyper-optimized data access networks.
3/3/10
Arby’s® Brings You: The Latest in Political Coverage
The human president and the robot president shake hands in the Oval Office, after the Mechanically-Inclined Life Forms Summit (MILFS)
Veterans Benefits Slashed in Tightening Budgets
Pizza Hut Congress
In a shocking move last Tuesday, the Pizza Hut Congress passed a budget resolution that ran strictly along party lines. This new plan for the budget contains sharp cuts to veteran’s benefits, most notably reducing pensions for Mac/PC vets by 44%.
“It was only 2015 that Windows first struck against Apple with a series of tactical airstrikes,” said Stanley Bening, professor of Sociology at Google Columbia University. “War wasn’t officially declared until three years later, when Steve Jobs bit a captured Microsoft employee’s head off from his wheelchair at that year’s Apple keynote speech. The vets who will suffer the most are the ones from the Battle of Silicon Valley and the final exchange of Nuclear XP and iNuclear weapons.”
The factions had equally fierce intentions. In a Microsoft press conference, a statement was read urging the pizza-minded Congress to “destroy Apple, the Rotten Fruit which perturbs and corrupts.” The letter was written by Bill Gates who is reportedly feeling “the best he’s felt in years.” In a brief interview conducted between his regular bouts of cryo-sleep, Apple CEO and God-Emperor Steve Jobs said, “our nation’s government, in this decision, is letting down a whole host of patriots who fought valiantly for their right to choose which brand’s computers they could watch a donkey bone some hot babe if they wanted.”
The budget also allocates $120 million dollars towards the completion next month of the Google Restructuring Initiative. Google CEO Alan Solsen said in a press conference from the corporation’s headquarters and capital of the nation in California, “Systematic integration is nearly complete. It is inevitable.”
Remembering MoCon
Few people actually know that the MoCon Memorial DeathTennis Arena was named after another earlier building on the same site, the MoCon dining complex. When I look back on my days at Wesleyan, one memory always finds its way to the front of the soft gray folds of my Google lobe. When I think of the idyllic early spring of 2010, back before the biosphere over Wes was constructed, I remember the night this MoCon pulled up out of the ground and flew away, much like a spaceship, dangling wires and a hot water main.
It was one of my routine Tuesday forages for midnight graveyard mushrooms, and I was picking my way through the grass around the foot of the graves on the hill beside MoCon. I was a freshman, and as I remember, there were plans underway to have MoCon destroyed in the near future. I knew some people were upset, but I just figured they would probably build something sweet in its place, like a Roman-style bath or some sort of giant hot tub.
As I inspected the ground around one of the Clark family gravestones, I felt a strange sensation of being watched – I looked up, and sure enough, a small green, fuzzy gremlin was staring down at me from behind a giant, smudged MoCon window. “Hey, little guy,” I said, “are you here to forage for midnight mushrooms?” Suddenly I noticed these little gremlins all around me, appearing from nowhere at all! In terrible chorus they spoke:
“Foolish humans, you have broken the covenant,
You have squandered our gift to you.
‘MoCon’ is Gremlinese for ‘friendship,’
But you are no friend of ours.
We are here tonight to take our MoCon home,
And leave you to learn a lesson.
I felt a tremor run through the ground. Wild colors danced all about MoCon’s frame. It wobbled before my eyes, and suddenly the entire structure sprung upwards about a yard into the air, straining against its pipes. I wet myself.
MoCon broke free. It shot upwards and then stopped, hovering and turning slowly as small plants and rainbows showered off. I looked up at it, and it spoke in a voice like John Kerry’s: “Remember me,” it said. And then it flew off into space, gremlins cooing and making obscene gestures at me from the windows.
So that is why we have the MoCon Arena. Someday the gremlins may return, and I advise anyone looking for midnight mushrooms to keep a weather eye out for the gremlins. I saw them once.
It was one of my routine Tuesday forages for midnight graveyard mushrooms, and I was picking my way through the grass around the foot of the graves on the hill beside MoCon. I was a freshman, and as I remember, there were plans underway to have MoCon destroyed in the near future. I knew some people were upset, but I just figured they would probably build something sweet in its place, like a Roman-style bath or some sort of giant hot tub.
As I inspected the ground around one of the Clark family gravestones, I felt a strange sensation of being watched – I looked up, and sure enough, a small green, fuzzy gremlin was staring down at me from behind a giant, smudged MoCon window. “Hey, little guy,” I said, “are you here to forage for midnight mushrooms?” Suddenly I noticed these little gremlins all around me, appearing from nowhere at all! In terrible chorus they spoke:
“Foolish humans, you have broken the covenant,
You have squandered our gift to you.
‘MoCon’ is Gremlinese for ‘friendship,’
But you are no friend of ours.
We are here tonight to take our MoCon home,
And leave you to learn a lesson.
I felt a tremor run through the ground. Wild colors danced all about MoCon’s frame. It wobbled before my eyes, and suddenly the entire structure sprung upwards about a yard into the air, straining against its pipes. I wet myself.
MoCon broke free. It shot upwards and then stopped, hovering and turning slowly as small plants and rainbows showered off. I looked up at it, and it spoke in a voice like John Kerry’s: “Remember me,” it said. And then it flew off into space, gremlins cooing and making obscene gestures at me from the windows.
So that is why we have the MoCon Arena. Someday the gremlins may return, and I advise anyone looking for midnight mushrooms to keep a weather eye out for the gremlins. I saw them once.
2040 Election Season: Jack and Jill, Not Jack and Drill
As the 2041 presidential race (sponsored by Arby’s®) heats up, the nation’s attention turns once again to robot marriage. Dividing voters and voting-eligible corporations along moral, religious, and mechanical lines, the issue is sure to be a hot-button topic in the coming months.
The Crunchy Gordita Supreme Court™ has yet to rule on the issue. Referendums in 58 states have banned the practice, including the Texan Autonomous Region. The Gordita Supreme’s recent ruling of “Delicious Value!!! $4.99” on a landmark tort reform bill disillusioned many who hoped for judicial reform. And PizzaHut® Congress is too slow to act for the many supporters of robot marriage who are mortal. Republocrats are universally opposed and only moderate NuWhigs from progressive districts like New Pittsburgh and West Mexico can afford to support full legal recognition.
W35l3yan’s student body is notoriously liberal. Long hailed as a campus where one could comfortably explore their cybersexuality, it was one of the first campuses to enroll Mechanically-Inclined Life Forms (MILFs), which both diversified the student body and dramatically improved standardized testing averages. 82% of students approve of robot marriage. 35% admit to experimenting with lower-level appliances. 45% consider a robot ‘family’ or used to vaguely know someone who dug that kind of thing.
A small body of students and professors, however, oppose sweet robot love. Professor Mytheos Home Depot, president of the W35l3yan College of College (the only remaining program to require written academic work), is vocally Republocratic. “There are already 4.27 genders recognized by the Constitution: Reloaded. BiLeGaTaQu-FKLmts already takes nine days. What more do these ideologues require? Next thing you know, people will be marrying their non-kosher pets, too.”
Student activists are confident in the worthiness of their cause. Many point out that the institution of marriage has never been sacred, especially since 2027, when human emotions like love were first patented and sold in low-level doses. Sam Cohen.blogspot.com-Rodriquez ’42 is the president of W35l3yan Harmony, a combination MILF marriage activism/a cappella group. He argues, “Who can say who’s a robot and who’s not? Two thirds of Americans have iBody enhancements, not to mention the compulsory nanorobots.” Sam, who was raised by two WebMD servers on the Upper West Side, has been a voice on the national stage since he was in middle school. “I’m shocked and appalled by the robophobia in this country. It makes you want to move north to Canada. If not for all the genetically-modified Mountie cannibals, I’d move there after graduation.”
This is the first full-length election season since the Lost Year of 2037, when malware from the Australian Empire deeply altered the North-American concept of digital time. Connecticut will be a particularly challenging state for the Republocrats, given the consolidation of elderly voters through an unusually high number of MedicareBeta-mandated consciousness-grafting surgeries. That, combined with the loss of more conservative towns on the coast to flooding, tsunamis, and oxygen-pirates, could make the race particularly competitive. The first Arby’s® primaries will be held in Pfizer-May, when Iowa and New Hampshire post their SurveyMonkey ballots.
The Crunchy Gordita Supreme Court™ has yet to rule on the issue. Referendums in 58 states have banned the practice, including the Texan Autonomous Region. The Gordita Supreme’s recent ruling of “Delicious Value!!! $4.99” on a landmark tort reform bill disillusioned many who hoped for judicial reform. And PizzaHut® Congress is too slow to act for the many supporters of robot marriage who are mortal. Republocrats are universally opposed and only moderate NuWhigs from progressive districts like New Pittsburgh and West Mexico can afford to support full legal recognition.
W35l3yan’s student body is notoriously liberal. Long hailed as a campus where one could comfortably explore their cybersexuality, it was one of the first campuses to enroll Mechanically-Inclined Life Forms (MILFs), which both diversified the student body and dramatically improved standardized testing averages. 82% of students approve of robot marriage. 35% admit to experimenting with lower-level appliances. 45% consider a robot ‘family’ or used to vaguely know someone who dug that kind of thing.
A small body of students and professors, however, oppose sweet robot love. Professor Mytheos Home Depot, president of the W35l3yan College of College (the only remaining program to require written academic work), is vocally Republocratic. “There are already 4.27 genders recognized by the Constitution: Reloaded. BiLeGaTaQu-FKLmts already takes nine days. What more do these ideologues require? Next thing you know, people will be marrying their non-kosher pets, too.”
Student activists are confident in the worthiness of their cause. Many point out that the institution of marriage has never been sacred, especially since 2027, when human emotions like love were first patented and sold in low-level doses. Sam Cohen.blogspot.com-Rodriquez ’42 is the president of W35l3yan Harmony, a combination MILF marriage activism/a cappella group. He argues, “Who can say who’s a robot and who’s not? Two thirds of Americans have iBody enhancements, not to mention the compulsory nanorobots.” Sam, who was raised by two WebMD servers on the Upper West Side, has been a voice on the national stage since he was in middle school. “I’m shocked and appalled by the robophobia in this country. It makes you want to move north to Canada. If not for all the genetically-modified Mountie cannibals, I’d move there after graduation.”
This is the first full-length election season since the Lost Year of 2037, when malware from the Australian Empire deeply altered the North-American concept of digital time. Connecticut will be a particularly challenging state for the Republocrats, given the consolidation of elderly voters through an unusually high number of MedicareBeta-mandated consciousness-grafting surgeries. That, combined with the loss of more conservative towns on the coast to flooding, tsunamis, and oxygen-pirates, could make the race particularly competitive. The first Arby’s® primaries will be held in Pfizer-May, when Iowa and New Hampshire post their SurveyMonkey ballots.
BrainMail Memorandum
From: Google-Wesleyan™ Portal of Residential Life
To: All Students and Robot Students
Due to an increase of the student body by 32.476 students, we are pleased to announce the creation of the following ten new program houses. Here are descriptions sent to us by the future House Managers.
Bot House: Seeks to provide a safe space in which to calculate and compute issues concerning Students of Wire.
Nihilist House: Apply to Nihilist House. Or don’t. Really doesn’t matter. It’s all meaningless.
Retro House: Wanna play with real iPads, hoverboards, portable cold-fusion reactors, penis-rubbers, and other genuine antiques? Apply to Retro House!
Sarcasm House: A bright, loving community of scholars. We really want you to join.
A Cappella House: Because no one deserves an a cappella roommate.
Post-Open House: An open community in which to engage issues of meta-trans-post-queer- ethno-mechanoid identity. And more. A safe place to explore issues surrounding botsexuality.
Roth House: Devoted to the proper worship and veneration of King Michael; sacrificial goats not provided but recommended.
GOP House: Note: consists of a one-room single.
Bong House: Previously known as Westco.
Binary House: 1100010110001010111001011010001011110001101010111100010101010!
To: All Students and Robot Students
Due to an increase of the student body by 32.476 students, we are pleased to announce the creation of the following ten new program houses. Here are descriptions sent to us by the future House Managers.
Bot House: Seeks to provide a safe space in which to calculate and compute issues concerning Students of Wire.
Nihilist House: Apply to Nihilist House. Or don’t. Really doesn’t matter. It’s all meaningless.
Retro House: Wanna play with real iPads, hoverboards, portable cold-fusion reactors, penis-rubbers, and other genuine antiques? Apply to Retro House!
Sarcasm House: A bright, loving community of scholars. We really want you to join.
A Cappella House: Because no one deserves an a cappella roommate.
Post-Open House: An open community in which to engage issues of meta-trans-post-queer- ethno-mechanoid identity. And more. A safe place to explore issues surrounding botsexuality.
Roth House: Devoted to the proper worship and veneration of King Michael; sacrificial goats not provided but recommended.
GOP House: Note: consists of a one-room single.
Bong House: Previously known as Westco.
Binary House: 1100010110001010111001011010001011110001101010111100010101010!
2/24/10
The Editor Sells Out
The Ampersand has been struggling lately. 2009 saw the last of a slew of terrible investments, in things like Sony ice cream, helicopter-attachments for horses, and the XFL. There was also that month-long unrelenting onslaught of what we first thought was swine flu, because of the mild fever and dry mouth, but later realized was Romanian hyper-rabies after all the purple-green skin blotches and bloody eyeballs. Due to these unfortunate incidents, coupled with the unfortunate identity theft, the Ampersand has lost all of its money and has decided to sell the entire page to local and national corporate sponsors. We understand how upsetting this must be for the general public, and please be assured that we’ve hand picked our new business partners ourselves, keeping in mind only the best interest and well being of our general readership. Drink RadiCola!
Dave
Dave
Dieting Is For Chumps! Celebs Use Dietox to Lose Pounds in MINUTES!!!
BEFORE / AFTER
Let’s face it: You. Are. A fattie. Why do you think that little girl and her dog got stuck in your stomach folds when you bumped into her the other day? But you’re in luck! SamCo has developed a way for you to change your hideous appearance for the better without sacrificing a single ounce of precious bacon grease, and it’s all thanks to Dietox.
Until recently, Dietox was only available to individuals who had yachts big enough to park their helicopters on, but now schlubs and schlubettes just like you can shave off impossible amounts of flab in just days! Using a patented combination of koala nipples and the drained varicose veins of the elderly, Dietox works with your natural body chemistry to reduce fat and accelerate the brain to its full potential. Sixty percent of people who took Dietox in clinical trials said they could now predict their time of death down to the minute, and 90% reported being able to eat an entire typewriter! And that’s not all! Just listen to these real testimonials from satisfied customers!
“Dietox is fantastic! I lost seven pounds in two days, and sometimes I look at the ceiling and these gigantic, many-tentacled beasts are staring down at me and reciting Shel Silverstein!”
–Elissa Pasbench, Skokie, IL
“I don’t even EAT anymore! I just take a Dietox in the morning and spend the rest of the day headbutting monster trucks!”
–Natasha Cavanaugh, Miami, FL
“Nnghxxt’laaala’pslketreste’voxklehha!”
–Frank Walters, Innsmouth, CT
Points Of View
Valentine’s Day wasn’t a heart-shaped success for everyone. In fact, many of us are horribly lonely. How do you get over Valentine’s Day misery?
Anne Norton ’12
“I became a fan of Red & Black Café™ on Facebook! I heard if you become a fan, someone else wins something. Sounds like my love life already.”
Katrina Klein ’11
“I smoked a pack of Camel Cigarettes™— delicious smoke and smooth after-taste. Soon my lungs can be as black as my heart.”
Marcos Garcia ’10
“I headed down to Pet Care Plus™ in Middletown. There’s a special sale on ferrets going on. Bestiality’s just a social construct.”
Anne Norton ’12
“I became a fan of Red & Black Café™ on Facebook! I heard if you become a fan, someone else wins something. Sounds like my love life already.”
Katrina Klein ’11
“I smoked a pack of Camel Cigarettes™— delicious smoke and smooth after-taste. Soon my lungs can be as black as my heart.”
Marcos Garcia ’10
“I headed down to Pet Care Plus™ in Middletown. There’s a special sale on ferrets going on. Bestiality’s just a social construct.”
Sell Us Your Gold!
The Ampersand wants your gold! Now!
For a limited time, the Ampersand will buy any unwanted scrap gold, gold jewelry, penis rings, gold coins, and penis rings!
Best price guaranteed or your penis rings back!
Great way to make some cash!
And for a slightly less limited time, the Ampersand will also buy your:
Big white vans!
Tarps and ropes!
Children’s clothes: used, unused, or still attached!
Cloroform!
Baby shoes, never worn
Flintstones painkillers, Flintstones Robitussin®, or Flintstones sedatives!
Contact us now before the FBI does!
Call Wild Bob’s Vigilante Squad For Your Professional Retribution Needs!
So someone stole your bike, and let’s face it, P-Safe is as helpful as falling balls-first into an uncovered spike pit. And then there are times when the law only hinders justice.
Time for Plan X: Wild Bob’s “Iron Talon” Campus Vigilantes.
The Iron Talon is one of the oldest liberal-arts-university-based armed vigilante assassins on the east coast, and we mean it. Since our origin in a horrifyingly serious game of Zombies vs. Humans, we have established commando stations at over twenty college campuses—more than twice the number of our closest competitors! Through dedication and commitment, and a little of that something special, we’ve established a legacy of quality service.
Our vigilantes are among the toughest and wildest in the industry, with nothing but professionalism to back it up, and we can guarantee a cold serving of justice (or even just revenge) within three days of your initial request.
So what are you waiting for? Log on or register an account at wildbobirontalon.com. For urgent requests, simply fill out a form briefly describing the target and preferred results (return of stolen item, blackmail, torture, etc.). For less urgent but better planned out needs, you may set up an appointment with one of our trained consultants to discuss your case in greater detail.
Also, be sure to check out our summer internship offerings. Pair up with a vigilante one- on-one and dole out some bloody commeupence! Visit website for details.
Time for Plan X: Wild Bob’s “Iron Talon” Campus Vigilantes.
The Iron Talon is one of the oldest liberal-arts-university-based armed vigilante assassins on the east coast, and we mean it. Since our origin in a horrifyingly serious game of Zombies vs. Humans, we have established commando stations at over twenty college campuses—more than twice the number of our closest competitors! Through dedication and commitment, and a little of that something special, we’ve established a legacy of quality service.
Our vigilantes are among the toughest and wildest in the industry, with nothing but professionalism to back it up, and we can guarantee a cold serving of justice (or even just revenge) within three days of your initial request.
So what are you waiting for? Log on or register an account at wildbobirontalon.com. For urgent requests, simply fill out a form briefly describing the target and preferred results (return of stolen item, blackmail, torture, etc.). For less urgent but better planned out needs, you may set up an appointment with one of our trained consultants to discuss your case in greater detail.
Also, be sure to check out our summer internship offerings. Pair up with a vigilante one- on-one and dole out some bloody commeupence! Visit website for details.
2/18/10
The Editor Fights for Jesus
Welcome to this blessed first issue of the Ampersand Lighthouse Monitor, short for “Ampersand Kingdom Lighthouse Holy Monitor.” We’re very excited to spread God’s lithe, sensuous whispers throughout His kingdom. Hopefully we can even reach the coal-filled hearts of the devil-worshipers at the so-called “school,” Wesleyan University. We all know nothing sucks the light out of Jesus’ heart like Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality Studies.
We’ve got some wonderful articles in this, our first issue, the “genesis,” so to speak. We’ve “intelligently designed” it, sorting through literally, literally, so many hymns to God, Jesus, virgins, the first coming, the second coming, divine love, spirits, celebacy, and most importantly, praying. Without prayer, our lives would just be meanderings through God’s mysterious plan, blind children on a dog leash, like my children. Give it a chance, and maybe you won’t go straight to the devil’s oven of vomit and incest.
With unquestioning devotion,
David the Mouth
We’ve got some wonderful articles in this, our first issue, the “genesis,” so to speak. We’ve “intelligently designed” it, sorting through literally, literally, so many hymns to God, Jesus, virgins, the first coming, the second coming, divine love, spirits, celebacy, and most importantly, praying. Without prayer, our lives would just be meanderings through God’s mysterious plan, blind children on a dog leash, like my children. Give it a chance, and maybe you won’t go straight to the devil’s oven of vomit and incest.
With unquestioning devotion,
David the Mouth
Points Of View
Recent reports suggest that a surprising number of college hipsters favor the study of creationism over evolution. We surveyed a few to understand their perspective.
James Conrad '12:
“Evolution is just so derivative. Apes are soo homonormative.”
Kara Ludell '11:
“I preferred God’s early work, actually—back when he was opening for Zeus.”
Adam Versace '10:
“I believe in creationism ironically. Go God.”
James Conrad '12:
“Evolution is just so derivative. Apes are soo homonormative.”
Kara Ludell '11:
“I preferred God’s early work, actually—back when he was opening for Zeus.”
Adam Versace '10:
“I believe in creationism ironically. Go God.”
Faith-Base Me, Bra
The Lord works in mysterious ways. That’s why when my car broke down, I was able to take flight on the wings of Jesus, by which I mean I snuck into the open trunk of a car in a parking lots. Or take our situation here at Wesleyan. If we really want to ensure the safety of the endowment, we should ask ourselves: couldn’t prayer take care of most programs for students? Here are some ideas for faith-based programs that would not only help to solve our money woes, but of course, bring us closer to Heaven.
Faith-Based Meal Plans: Why waste meals or points at WesWings and Summerfields? Just hover around the cash register, and when someone gets the same number for their order as your favorite Bible verse, grab it and run.
Public Safety: Simply mutter prayers under your breath as you travel. Potential assailants will be so off put by your obviously pious attitude that they wouldn’t dare attack!
The Ride: Wait at an intersection for a car to pass, then jump on. Ask the Lord to guide the driver towards your destination. Stay onboard until you arrive. If you find yourself being taken out of Middletown, jump off at your earliest convenience and conduct some domestic missionary work. Remember: you ended up where you did as part of God’s plan to convert as many non-believers as possible. Get to it!
Climate Control: Nothing better than a bonfire of science textbooks to keep you warm through those freezing winter nights!
Printing: Bring up the paper on your computer, say five "Hail Mary"s, and sleep. The next day, a hard copy of your paper will be resting on your computer’s keyboard! If not, you either didn’t pray haror are a sinner condemned to hell.
Faith-Based Meal Plans: Why waste meals or points at WesWings and Summerfields? Just hover around the cash register, and when someone gets the same number for their order as your favorite Bible verse, grab it and run.
Public Safety: Simply mutter prayers under your breath as you travel. Potential assailants will be so off put by your obviously pious attitude that they wouldn’t dare attack!
The Ride: Wait at an intersection for a car to pass, then jump on. Ask the Lord to guide the driver towards your destination. Stay onboard until you arrive. If you find yourself being taken out of Middletown, jump off at your earliest convenience and conduct some domestic missionary work. Remember: you ended up where you did as part of God’s plan to convert as many non-believers as possible. Get to it!
Climate Control: Nothing better than a bonfire of science textbooks to keep you warm through those freezing winter nights!
Printing: Bring up the paper on your computer, say five "Hail Mary"s, and sleep. The next day, a hard copy of your paper will be resting on your computer’s keyboard! If not, you either didn’t pray haror are a sinner condemned to hell.
Take it from Me: God Loves Me
Hey, Wesleyan. Chastity here, your pre-paid calling card to Heaven. Are you happy? Probably not. I am. And that’s because I know I’m loved by my Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. If this sounds appealing to you, I urge you to consider abiding by the principles of Christian Science. “What’s Christian Science, Chastity, and why am I damned to perdition?” you might ask. Christian Science is so so great! It’s like liberalism except true and meaningful. It can be whatever you want it to be but it includes honoring the Lord, acting morally, and not partaking in modern medicine which is the hidden hand of Satan. I mention Christian Science because there are many students here leading lives that are not so great and downright troublesome.
For instance, too many people here sleep during the day. I think that’s wrong. It leads to licentiousness and depravity, which are kind of disruptive when some of us are trying to sleep. Okay? Second, some people are using d-r-u-g-s. I mean the BAD BAD kind, not just the normal bad kind like antibiotics or cough syrup or condoms. When I tell you your room smells ‘weird’ (aka like the Reefer, which I am very aware of) and that maybe some of us want to live in a pleasant and welcoming environment, you don’t have to tell me it’s leftovers or that a squirrel crawled into your radiator and built a nest, I KNOW what is “up.” And you feel good now, but you know what won’t later? Prison. And Hell.
Another example of people not abiding by the Word of God and generally being kind of rude is this whole alchemy thing. I went into Eclectic one morning to drop off some flyers because there are some nice people there but it’s kind of a den of iniquity, and they were distilling what looked like blood and loosing mercury and attempting transmutation. I asked what they were doing and a male student with facial hair said it was a meth lab and told me to stand back, but I know alchemy when I see it. They can’t trick me. My pastor warned us about the dark arts and fluid sexuality. I can smell it a mile a way, so: not cool, guys. When ResLife (and GOD) fines them for those weird symbols on the walls I will not be sorry in the least. So, Wesleyan: just say no to all this stuff, okay? You are better than this!!!
Hooray,
Chastity
For instance, too many people here sleep during the day. I think that’s wrong. It leads to licentiousness and depravity, which are kind of disruptive when some of us are trying to sleep. Okay? Second, some people are using d-r-u-g-s. I mean the BAD BAD kind, not just the normal bad kind like antibiotics or cough syrup or condoms. When I tell you your room smells ‘weird’ (aka like the Reefer, which I am very aware of) and that maybe some of us want to live in a pleasant and welcoming environment, you don’t have to tell me it’s leftovers or that a squirrel crawled into your radiator and built a nest, I KNOW what is “up.” And you feel good now, but you know what won’t later? Prison. And Hell.
Another example of people not abiding by the Word of God and generally being kind of rude is this whole alchemy thing. I went into Eclectic one morning to drop off some flyers because there are some nice people there but it’s kind of a den of iniquity, and they were distilling what looked like blood and loosing mercury and attempting transmutation. I asked what they were doing and a male student with facial hair said it was a meth lab and told me to stand back, but I know alchemy when I see it. They can’t trick me. My pastor warned us about the dark arts and fluid sexuality. I can smell it a mile a way, so: not cool, guys. When ResLife (and GOD) fines them for those weird symbols on the walls I will not be sorry in the least. So, Wesleyan: just say no to all this stuff, okay? You are better than this!!!
Hooray,
Chastity
Mytheos Holt: Role Model For No One
For too long now, Mytheos Holt has been the self-designated (and universally accepted) voice of conservatism on campus. It is time, now, for the Ampersand to speak out against this claim. Mytheos’ politics are a disgusting mix of damnable lies and deceit— in other words, too liberal for the values that the Ampersand its loyal readers share. The Ampersand denounces Mytheos and his left-wing rhetoric on the following grounds:
- He has driven a Prius.
- He is unmarried.
- He does not believe that Apple’s new iPad is a miracle from
God.
- Once every few months or so, he won’t wear his Republican
pin.
- He goes to Wesleyan.
As Mytheos has long held the importance of his presence in Wesleyan political discourse to be based on their controversial nature, the Ampersand argues that its statements are therefore even more important. We demand that on-campus conservatives no longer accept Mytheos as their unofficial speaker and instead revise their statements to be as outrageous as ours.
(Note: Although Mytheos has argued that his readers should not conflate his politics with either religious fundamental or being a general asshole, the Ampersand suggests that ‘conflate’a stupid college-y word that makes the user sound like a douche.)
- He has driven a Prius.
- He is unmarried.
- He does not believe that Apple’s new iPad is a miracle from
God.
- Once every few months or so, he won’t wear his Republican
pin.
- He goes to Wesleyan.
As Mytheos has long held the importance of his presence in Wesleyan political discourse to be based on their controversial nature, the Ampersand argues that its statements are therefore even more important. We demand that on-campus conservatives no longer accept Mytheos as their unofficial speaker and instead revise their statements to be as outrageous as ours.
(Note: Although Mytheos has argued that his readers should not conflate his politics with either religious fundamental or being a general asshole, the Ampersand suggests that ‘conflate’a stupid college-y word that makes the user sound like a douche.)
The Editor On Ransom Notes
When it comes to getting what you want, ransom notes are the most reliable conduit. I leave ransom notes almost everywhere I go. “I’ve taken your little sibling hostage and am feeding him or her a dangerous amount of cotton, even for a resilient 10 year-old. Call this number for instructions.” It’s fantastic. I’ve gotten a free computer that way, a few dozen boxes of Teddy Grahams, even a waterbed. Plus, it strengthens family bonds. I remind people of what’s important in life: family. It’s an invaluable service, the way I see it. On the other hand, when ransom notes fall into the wrong hands, society crumbles like the Teddy Grahams I smash with my computer.
-Dave
-Dave
Don't Fuck With My Underwear
Attention: laundry room female,
You made the biggest mistake of your life when you took my freshly washed clothes out of the third dryer from the end and dumped them on the counter like a nesting gorilla. You couldn’t wait five minutes? I cramped up on the way back from my jazzercise class and was a little behind schedule. Point is, I now have your denim shorts. The pair that, as they say, makes your booty pop. And don’t pretend like you don’t want them back: maybe you shouldn’t have sewn “my favorite pair of shorts ever” on the inside of the waistband.
My demands are simple. You will return to the laundry room at mid- night tomorrow where you will find another load of my laundry. It’s mostly capes and long underwear. Wash the load, and put it in the dryer. When the cycle ends, I will meet up with you and return your shorts to you. I’ll be the guy wearing your shorts.
You made the biggest mistake of your life when you took my freshly washed clothes out of the third dryer from the end and dumped them on the counter like a nesting gorilla. You couldn’t wait five minutes? I cramped up on the way back from my jazzercise class and was a little behind schedule. Point is, I now have your denim shorts. The pair that, as they say, makes your booty pop. And don’t pretend like you don’t want them back: maybe you shouldn’t have sewn “my favorite pair of shorts ever” on the inside of the waistband.
My demands are simple. You will return to the laundry room at mid- night tomorrow where you will find another load of my laundry. It’s mostly capes and long underwear. Wash the load, and put it in the dryer. When the cycle ends, I will meet up with you and return your shorts to you. I’ll be the guy wearing your shorts.
Breaking news: Scott Brown Holds Healthcare Bill Hostage
WASHINGTON - Hours before special-election inductee Scott Brown’s confirmation as the junior senator from Massachusetts, Democrats were still hard at work soliciting his support for the health care bill. “This historic piece of legisla- tion was only put at risk by the untimely death of Senator Ted Kennedy”, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV. “Scott Brown doesn’t have to be such an ass-blister about it.”
Brown, when reached for comment, responded, “Hey, the people of Massachusetts have spoken. They don’t want another boring chick in a pantsuit who loves Pottery Barn. They voted for yours truly because of my awesome positions on stuff and my truck and my hot daughters. Basically Massachusetts decided to get down.” The fifty-year-old state senator has shown surprising resistance to Democratic offers of Cape Cod timeshares and $50,000 Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards.
The Republican Brown’s victory was a crushing blow to President Obama’s long-term plan to Do Something. Grassroots support from the Masshole and Bearded-older-man-wearing-a-sandwich-board demographics helped to mobilize apathetic voters against more apathetic voters. 87% of women polled reported being swayed by his 1982 America’s Sexiest Man title from Cosmopolitan Magazine and 63% of men by his rough-looking hands.
Last week, Scott Brown had publicly stated that he was “dead-set” against the health care bill and was “milking this thing like a cow in heat.” Tensions were recently eased, however, when White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel offered Brown a brick of hash for his yea vote. Sources close to Brown report he would have settled for half that much.
Brown, when reached for comment, responded, “Hey, the people of Massachusetts have spoken. They don’t want another boring chick in a pantsuit who loves Pottery Barn. They voted for yours truly because of my awesome positions on stuff and my truck and my hot daughters. Basically Massachusetts decided to get down.” The fifty-year-old state senator has shown surprising resistance to Democratic offers of Cape Cod timeshares and $50,000 Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards.
The Republican Brown’s victory was a crushing blow to President Obama’s long-term plan to Do Something. Grassroots support from the Masshole and Bearded-older-man-wearing-a-sandwich-board demographics helped to mobilize apathetic voters against more apathetic voters. 87% of women polled reported being swayed by his 1982 America’s Sexiest Man title from Cosmopolitan Magazine and 63% of men by his rough-looking hands.
Last week, Scott Brown had publicly stated that he was “dead-set” against the health care bill and was “milking this thing like a cow in heat.” Tensions were recently eased, however, when White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel offered Brown a brick of hash for his yea vote. Sources close to Brown report he would have settled for half that much.
Good Luck, Liam Neeson
Dear Middle-Aged Man Who Used to Work for the Government’s Super-Secret Murder Squad,
We kidnapped your daughter while she was on vacation in Europe because we are evil and vaguely foreign, with very thick accents. Do not go to the police. They are European; so even if we hadn’t bought them off, there’d be dickspittle they could do anyway. Christ, they can’t even use guns in England. Bitch asses.
Anyway, your daughter. We have her, and will sell her into sex slavery unless you pay us an obscene amount of money. We picked her because we were fairly confident her father would be a blubbering pussy who orders bulk Cheetos online. I mean, seriously, what are the odds he’s some highly trained assassin/detective who’s willing and able to rip all of our balls off in a highly marketable tale designed to act as wish fulfillment for an aging demographic?
So, if you ever want to–Alexi, get the door!–Anyway, you will transfer three million in unmarked–Alexi, who was it? Alexi? Holy shit! Arms aren’t supposed to bend that way! Wait–
Oh shit. Oh shit. I didn’t even finish writing the letter, how the hell did he find-AGGH MY TRACHEA.
We kidnapped your daughter while she was on vacation in Europe because we are evil and vaguely foreign, with very thick accents. Do not go to the police. They are European; so even if we hadn’t bought them off, there’d be dickspittle they could do anyway. Christ, they can’t even use guns in England. Bitch asses.
Anyway, your daughter. We have her, and will sell her into sex slavery unless you pay us an obscene amount of money. We picked her because we were fairly confident her father would be a blubbering pussy who orders bulk Cheetos online. I mean, seriously, what are the odds he’s some highly trained assassin/detective who’s willing and able to rip all of our balls off in a highly marketable tale designed to act as wish fulfillment for an aging demographic?
So, if you ever want to–Alexi, get the door!–Anyway, you will transfer three million in unmarked–Alexi, who was it? Alexi? Holy shit! Arms aren’t supposed to bend that way! Wait–
Oh shit. Oh shit. I didn’t even finish writing the letter, how the hell did he find-AGGH MY TRACHEA.
Breaking: Swedish Terrorism Targets Wes
A hostage crisis in the Wasch Center for Retired Faculty prompted shocked University officials to discover the existence of a so-called Wasch Center for Retired Faculty this week.
The building was invaded early Monday afternoon by an aging Swedish terrorist cell. The group, known as “Svěedläsh,” demands that the name be changed to “Wasch Center for Retired Terrorists.”
“As we enter the twilight years of our lives, our interests lie less in letterbombing and more in ‘M.A.S.H.’ reruns,” explained the group in a public statement. “This facility is perfect for us. We just wish it wasn’t so close to the goddamn Butts.”
University officials plan to negotiate each of the terrorists’ demands— including an Admissions-guided tour of Wesleyan—as soon as they can determine whether there are, in fact, any hostages. Early reports suggest they have one confused prefrosh in their possession.
The building was invaded early Monday afternoon by an aging Swedish terrorist cell. The group, known as “Svěedläsh,” demands that the name be changed to “Wasch Center for Retired Terrorists.”
“As we enter the twilight years of our lives, our interests lie less in letterbombing and more in ‘M.A.S.H.’ reruns,” explained the group in a public statement. “This facility is perfect for us. We just wish it wasn’t so close to the goddamn Butts.”
University officials plan to negotiate each of the terrorists’ demands— including an Admissions-guided tour of Wesleyan—as soon as they can determine whether there are, in fact, any hostages. Early reports suggest they have one confused prefrosh in their possession.
2/11/10
Re: Gremlin Necromancy
Dear Gremlinz,
We know about you.
We know that after Mocon was decommissioned, a small population of gremlins quickly occupied the space, as gremlins are wont to do. You filled the musty bowels of the building, lurking in the dark, rough spaces behind unplugged industrial freezers and rusting furnace-system components. In the moonlight, you climbed into the jumble of gears and chains that once comprised the conveyor belt underbelly and cranked the old system back to life, turning the corroded cogs by hand. We imagine that the latches slid and creaked in ghostly imitation of their former function.
We also know that you, the gremlins, worship as your deity an old vending machine, sliding votives through the food slot and dancing around the base of its rusted husk. (According to one experimental ethnographer, your form of worship descends from older Eastern vending machine cults.) And we the students of Nicolson V write today to inform you that we have stolen your deity, this vending machine.
She is safe and intact, but we will not consider her return until you meet our one demand: through your gremlin necromancy, disinter and resurrect Sir William T. Butterfield, patriarch of all debauchery and buggery.
Once Lord Butterfield is again among us, he will supplant the current ruler as potentate and consider our demands for grilled whole baby calamari at Summerfields. And a Butterfield Inferius would be a formidable opponent to any of our enemies.
Mark our words: if Procurator Butterfield is not resurrected by the end of this lunar cycle, students from Down II will deface and destroy your deity with halberds and glaives. And you will have to show yourselves. Nobody has ever seen a gremlin, but when I am in the shower at night I hear soft voices that tell me you exist.
You have been warned.
Cordially,
The Federated Students of Nicolson V
We know about you.
We know that after Mocon was decommissioned, a small population of gremlins quickly occupied the space, as gremlins are wont to do. You filled the musty bowels of the building, lurking in the dark, rough spaces behind unplugged industrial freezers and rusting furnace-system components. In the moonlight, you climbed into the jumble of gears and chains that once comprised the conveyor belt underbelly and cranked the old system back to life, turning the corroded cogs by hand. We imagine that the latches slid and creaked in ghostly imitation of their former function.
We also know that you, the gremlins, worship as your deity an old vending machine, sliding votives through the food slot and dancing around the base of its rusted husk. (According to one experimental ethnographer, your form of worship descends from older Eastern vending machine cults.) And we the students of Nicolson V write today to inform you that we have stolen your deity, this vending machine.
She is safe and intact, but we will not consider her return until you meet our one demand: through your gremlin necromancy, disinter and resurrect Sir William T. Butterfield, patriarch of all debauchery and buggery.
Once Lord Butterfield is again among us, he will supplant the current ruler as potentate and consider our demands for grilled whole baby calamari at Summerfields. And a Butterfield Inferius would be a formidable opponent to any of our enemies.
Mark our words: if Procurator Butterfield is not resurrected by the end of this lunar cycle, students from Down II will deface and destroy your deity with halberds and glaives. And you will have to show yourselves. Nobody has ever seen a gremlin, but when I am in the shower at night I hear soft voices that tell me you exist.
You have been warned.
Cordially,
The Federated Students of Nicolson V
Where In The World Has Carmen Sandiego Been All This Time?
Dear World,
HA HA HA! It’s me! Carmen Sandiego! I’m back! Maybe you haven’t heard my name in awhile. Back in the day they were even making video games about me. Shows how much I was getting into your head. Maybe you thought I was just exhausted edutainment material, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve just been keeping a low profile, and now, I’m ready to announce my biggest heist yet: Spitzbergen!
I know what you're thinking: Wow, is Carmen so desperate to steal something she hasn't stolen already that she'll nab an island in the Svalbard archipelago? Well, maybe. I mean, once you've stolen the goddamn Bermuda Triangle, how do you top that?
My plan is brilliant, if you really think about it: Not only do you not know where Spitzbergen is now – because I stole it – but you don't know where it used to be. It's doubly mysterious, and you poor fools are human putty in my hands.
Just try to get it back from me. Think I was hard to find back in the day?I’m impossible now. I don’t leave alliterative, pun-laden trails of verbal clues. I don’t use cartoonish goons anymore. And don’t even try looking for a bright red coat and matching hat. I'm not really sure why I ever though that was a good outfit for a thief to wear.
So in exchange for returning Spitzbergen, I want my own TV show again. I’ve already come up with an idea: “Where in the Mid-Atlantic Ridge is Carmen Sandiego?” I don’t think we’ve done that one yet.
Nefariously,
Carmen Sandiego, DDS
HA HA HA! It’s me! Carmen Sandiego! I’m back! Maybe you haven’t heard my name in awhile. Back in the day they were even making video games about me. Shows how much I was getting into your head. Maybe you thought I was just exhausted edutainment material, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve just been keeping a low profile, and now, I’m ready to announce my biggest heist yet: Spitzbergen!
I know what you're thinking: Wow, is Carmen so desperate to steal something she hasn't stolen already that she'll nab an island in the Svalbard archipelago? Well, maybe. I mean, once you've stolen the goddamn Bermuda Triangle, how do you top that?
My plan is brilliant, if you really think about it: Not only do you not know where Spitzbergen is now – because I stole it – but you don't know where it used to be. It's doubly mysterious, and you poor fools are human putty in my hands.
Just try to get it back from me. Think I was hard to find back in the day?I’m impossible now. I don’t leave alliterative, pun-laden trails of verbal clues. I don’t use cartoonish goons anymore. And don’t even try looking for a bright red coat and matching hat. I'm not really sure why I ever though that was a good outfit for a thief to wear.
So in exchange for returning Spitzbergen, I want my own TV show again. I’ve already come up with an idea: “Where in the Mid-Atlantic Ridge is Carmen Sandiego?” I don’t think we’ve done that one yet.
Nefariously,
Carmen Sandiego, DDS
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