&&& Manifesto

The Ampersand is the official organ of the Wesleyan Spartacist Tendency. Our mission is to consolidate a democratic workers’ center in order to prosecute total war against the ruling bourgeois clique in North College and their running dogs in the WSA. Ours is an international, revolutionary, proletarian publication informed by a scientific interpretation of Wesleyan University’s historical trajectory towards socialism. Death to the bourgeois reformists at Ostranenie and the revisionist utopians of the Hermes.

Parents' Weekend PoV

A Letter From My Parents

Dear Colin,

We won’t be there for parents’ weekend. It’s not that your stepfather Gordon and I wouldn’t love to be there—you know what huge Bill Cosby fans we are. And it’s not that we don’t want to see you. It’s that we just don’t want to be seen with you.

All the other parents will be meeting their children’s friends and taking their kids out to nice dinners. But somehow (call it mothers’ intuition) I doubt you’ve been doing too well in the “friends” department.

And do you realize how mortifying it is for us when you have to ask for dairy-free meals at restaurants? Seriously, who can’t handle milk? It’s milk, Colin. Babies drink
it.

God, I need a drink.

What shirt are you wearing right now? You’re wearing the Comic Con 2010 shirt, aren’t you. Jesus Christ, Colin.

I noticed the Weird Al poster isn’t in your room at home anymore. There also seems to be a suspicious lack of anime bullshit on the walls. You brought them to hang in your room, didn’t you? I know you don’t want to hear this from your mother, but that’s no way to get girls. Why don’t you try out a sport? Maybe a sport that isn’t “ruining your parents’ lives”?

Damn your asthma, Colin!

Sorry, that was Gordon. He’s had a little too much to drink. No, Gordon wants me to tell you that he is not drunk. In fact, he’s “never seen more clearly in his whole goddamn life, Linda.”

I hope you’re not too upset about our not coming, sweetie. I just really don’t think we’ll be able to make it this year. Also, we’re visiting your brother Rick at Brown that weekend.

Hugs and kisses,

Mom

And Now, A Hamster Collage

FourLoko y Su Hijo

You’ ve done your job pretty well by all accounts. You pulled your anxious offspring through a year of SATs, applications, and acceptance letters, and you lived to tell the tale. All that’ s left to do is pay tuition bills, feel good about yourself, and, every now and then, sneak into your child’ s room, clutch an old stuffed animal to your chest and stare wistfully out the window. Still, you can’ t shake the feeling that something isn’ t quite right, that maybe, somewhere along the way, you made a mistake. And you’re right. You can tell because your child now drinks FourLoko.

FourLoko is an alcoholic energy drink that costs very little. With ten distinct flavors, it’s the malt liquor equivalent of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. And it is the high point of your child’s week.

“I did Blue Raspberry last week,” said Your Child ’14, who has been looking forward to this moment since his hangover wore off at approximately 4:35 last Sunday. “Tonight I’m drinking the Orange flavor.” Well gee, you think, maybe it’ s not that bad. It’s not as embarrassing as crack or vodka-dipped tampons.

“It fucks you up!” said Your Child as the neon colored liquid seeped down his shirt.

Where did you go wrong? Why does your baby boy now turn to that canned fluorescent nightmare on a weekly basis? Maybe you shouldn’t have let him drink so much soda. Maybe you shouldn’ t have used a needle to keep him from wetting his bed.

“Wanna come back-a to my room,” Your Child told Some Girl ’14, “we’ll listen to dubstep, lookit my penizz….”

Well, there’ s really not much you can do about it now. You’ re not about to take the kid out of school, not after the ordeal it took to get the little bastard in. This is the direction society is headed in now, inching toward the inevitable tumble of Western civilization in the year of our Watermelon flavored malt liquor, 2012Loko. You’ re just going to have to get used to it. Here, try this. It tastes like kiwis, if kiwis tasted like refuse and disappointment.

Your Child ’ 14, vomiting, is unable for comment.

My 1st Article: Fall Break

Last week, Wesleyan’s campus students spent its fall break at the same length that it has been over the past however many fall semesters. But students interviews across castes and different social groups disagree unanimous, partially because of unhindering devotion to campus activity and also partially due to wanting to spend larger time with their friends or even families.

In interviews last Saturday, Richie Starzec Freshman testifies: “There is very little
commotion for me with which to occupy myself here during the course of fall break at Wesleyan,” he said. “Everybody’s going away, to home and other places, but my house exists in so far away a locale, that I can’t bring myself to receive transportation to this locale of which I mentioned before so vigorously.”

As it demonstrates with Ms. Starzec, many students see zeself being in unsmiling dilemmae as regards to the certain pickle of the vacant figure of activities, parties, and other on-campus incidents, especially after a certain instance of nighttime swallows campus whole and refuse to belch and vomit.

“The ground assigns a definitive aura, however hazy and unkind, though foggy, of,” said Adriin Brandi Freshman, “death.” “Especially when Wellesley hits fall break,” she affixes to her statement that was previously made prior to the instant she made her current statement, thank you, Adriin, the interview is now over.

“Eat, sleep, blaze; it sums up to equal my mid-October,” PERSON DID NOT WANT TO BE IDENTIFY.

Overall, regardless, people, most students some teachers delight in the prospect of the
return of the winters. But in subsequent autumns most campus denizens suspect a more
confident quality of longer Octobers due to camp’s remoteness control.

Let’s get that remoteness control.

Where Is Waldo?

Gendering the “Other” in the Butthole Tree Diaspora: A Senior Thesis

If a tree falls in the Butthole and no one is there to deconstruct its performatively enacted de-ontological teleological construction, does it make a sound?

Let me rephrase. I propose that the recently fallen perennial wooden entity (hence referred to as“Arnold”) manifests its phallic symbolism by positing a hyper-eroticized Other to the flaccid foundation of Summerfields (hence referred to as “Frank”). I propose further that this grotesque sociopolitical foliage-troll—“Arnold”—renders its post-linguistic meta-discourse by forging a grueling post-ideological dialogue with beloved grey-haired “Frank” cashier Susan.

“I knew that damn thing was gonna fall,” Susan tells me, her baby blue eyes alight with the anarchistic byproduct of de-systemized normative construction. “It glared at me, all ugly and ready to crack.” She scowls, her brow furrowed in neo-pedagogical instability. “Points or meal, hon?”

How poetic, then, that our nutrient-sucking phallic friend engendered its own gruesome demise— what I term its “meta-ontological collapse,” of body and of spirit, of bark and of biomass—in the etymologically charged public sphere that is the Butterfields Courtyard. How telling that its homonormative de-edification of the self manifested an ugly ideological counterpart in the seedy throng of frothy, foaming Public Safety officers reporting to the scene.

And, finally, how fitting that its veiny, throbbing, forest-dwelling member blocked Butterfield
access just as its sordid, infective, post-normative meta-presence blocked access to a perceived sort of ideological homeostasis between “Frank” (hereby referred to as “Summerfields”) and “Arnold (hereby referred to as “that goddamn tree”).

This, I propose, is no ordinary tree disaster. This is fierce socio-erotic sabotage.

Advice From Katherine Yagle

Of all the intriguing characters that roam Wesleyan’s campus, there is one in particular whose habits and history baffle us all: The Argus’s own Katherine Yagle. Her upbringing on the mean streets of Fairfield, Connecticut, a town epitomized by the soulful lyrics of pop-rock-blues king John Mayer, bred in her an unparalleled hunger for success. Here, Yagle provides tips on how to stay fresh and avoid being filthy:

Be Involved: In addition to being both inventor- and editor-in-chief of all Wesleyan news, Yagle also heads 90% of clubs on campus, her favorites being Students Anonymous, the Antianticruelty Society, Students Against Naysaying, the Club Club, the Bear Cub Club, and the Wesleyan Spirits. According to Yagle, a full schedule is a student’s best friend. “If you’re sleeping, you’ll end up sweeping… my kitchen floor for a living, you lazy bitch.”

Be Proactive: Not only does Katherine Yagle get things done, she gets them done early. Like, really early. She has received six diplomas worth of credit by finishing assignments for every course that is, was, or ever will be available. She has invented and completed three majors. Yagle is also preparing to teach a course this spring: “An Interdisciplinary Approach to Eyebrow Piercings and Power Walking.”

Be Creative: With no time for research, Katherine Yagle has successfully Mad-libbed every paper she has ever written. Her senior thesis, titled “The Effect of Purple Boogers on Education in My Pants,” will be published by Random House next year.

Be Unavoidable: According to Yagle, students should begin networking early. Whenever possible, befriend prominent faculty or alumni, and anyone who looks like a future CEO, politician, or the offspring of somebody famous. Yagle adds, “When you meet someone who would look good in a suit and may shit cash, attach yourself to them. Grasp them firmly in your bloody talons, and never, ever let them go. Follow them to their classes, parties, and to the bathroom. Who really enforces restraining orders anyway? Sink your teeth into them.”

With methods like these, Yagle is bound for success. She’s only a junior, but her plans for the year include getting EMT-certified, building a media empire, and bearing a strong, healthy son. If that doesn’t work out, she’ll probably open a Yagle’s Bagles shop in Middletown.

Wesleyan Dorms Go Green

Where Is Waldo?

See if you can find Waldo in this painting by Jacques-Louis David. The painting depicts French radical Jean-Paul Marat after his assassination by Girondin sympathizer Charlotte Corday.

Classes Cancelled For October

All Wesleyan undergraduates received an email this morning announcing the cancellation of October classes. There was no one reason for the decision, says President Michael Roth, but the largest contributing factor was that the Wesleyan administration hasn’t been “feeling it.”

“This semester’s been kind of a wash,” said Dean Louise Brown. “Some people feel okay about school. They read and write what professors tell them to. But many students feel aimless. They don’t care about their classes and sometimes they don’t want to go to them.” After talking about her October plans to have a few dinner parties and spend more time with her dog, Brown added, “Everyone could use some time to figure stuff out.”

Both professors and students have welcomed the change. “My syllabuses have been kind of a slog,” said Professor Timothy Nelson of the Government Department. “All September we’ve been going over ethical justification of war and its application to Balkan conflicts, and I can’t help but think, ugghhh.” Physics Professor Natasha Bethem agreed, saying, “I wish I were in bed. My feet were so cold this morning.”

The sudden hiatus presents a problem to upperclassmen with research projects, particularly in the sciences. But that’s not a big deal. Henry Wu ’11 said, “So my bacteria die. What does that really matter, long-term? There’ll be more bacteria. Better to go home, see some people, catch up on Mad Men. I haven’t been to the doctor in a while.” The prevailing attitude seems to be that there’s more to life than
Wesleyan, and that’s all too easy to forget.

The administration stresses that things will be better than ever when we come back. Some class material will be sacrificed, but only the unimportant stuff. “This won’t happen every year,” Roth said. “The University just thinks, having felt it out, that we should press the reset button, so to speak. Take a nap. Have you seen the foliage this autumn? Have you woken up in an orchard and eaten an apple straight off the bough? Now you have time. We all have time.”

Quiz: Where Should You Study Abroad?

Student Starts Abroad Blog

Last Monday, College of Letters major and well-liked Hewitt resident Emily Bristol ’13 excitedly announced her plans to begin blogging while abroad next semester. Bristol plans to spend the spring semester in Bordeaux, France, which she expects will be “basically pretty chill.”

“I just figured, you know, why not try something different while I’m abroad?” Bristol explained to close friends and family. “Why not create a venue through which I can share thoughtful multicultural insights, like how hot my host brother looks without a shirt, or how low the sinks are in France?” Bristol’s familiarity with French culture is already “pretty much magnifique,” she says, as evidenced by her enthused participation in last semester’s “Tour de Franzia” night.

The 19-year-old Boston native has not yet settled on a name for her blog, though brainstorming has yielded some promising contenders. “My top choice right now is Bitch in Bordeaux,” she revealed. “It’s sort of ironic, `cause I’m not actually a bitch, haha. But I kind of like the idea of A Broad Abroad, because, like, I’m going abroad and also I am a broad.”

“Or at least my uncle says I am. But he also eats Cream of Wheat with a fork and knife. So whatever.”

Bristol admits that her blogging experience is a bit thin, but says frequent contributions WesBreasts have given her a solid familiarity with Tumblr. “I haven’t had my own blog since, like, eighth grade,” Bristol recalled wistfully. “And that was just a Xanga site where I posted my favorite Evanescence lyrics.”

“I’ll try not to post Evanescence lyrics on this one,” she added, grinning. “But no promises.”

We Interrupt This Issue To Bring You Important News

Destiny Africa Children's Choir Causes Confusion

Several audience members at Thursday night’s benefit performance of Destiny Africa Children’s Choir expressed great outrage upon learning that the concert was not, in fact, a reunion of Destiny’s Child, the R&B group from the late 1990s.

The concert, which took place at the Memorial Chapel on High Street, asked for an optional donation to the Kampala Children’s Centre, a Ugandan orphanage. Once it became apparent that Beyoncé and her cohorts would not perform, people began to ask for their money back.

“When I heard Destiny’s Child would be playing a concert in September, I was even more psyched to come to Wesleyan,” said Keelin Ryan ’14, during the show. “But what a let-down.”

Joan Cooper Burnett, the designated Protestant Chaplain at the university, said that at the beginning of the concert she had been hopeful. “Even an hour before the concert began, people were lined up all the way down High Street in order to get seats; I thought, finally, something we’re doing, it’s getting people’s attention. But,” she added mournfully, “after two songs, people just started leaving.”

“The Chapel is simply not large enough to house the number of people who planned to attend the concert,” Mother Burnett said, “but as dissatisfied customers started to leave, more room opened up inside the hall. And yet, almost as soon as the new people entered, they left. So what ultimately happened was this rip tide effect with the people going out saying ‘It’s not Destiny’s Child, don’t go in there,’ and the people coming in just too eager and not listening and trampling over everyone else. It was utter pandemonium.”

Once it dawned upon the large crowd outside that they would not get to see a revival performance of “Say My Name” or “Bootylicious,” people began to riot. One unidentifiable junior shouted, “I came to see Destiny’s Child, not orphans!” A small group of sophomores wearing DC apparel — including shirts, headbands, and sweatpants — were weeping in a huddle.

Inside the concert hall, the pandemonium was even greater. In the middle of the second song, students started hurling tomatoes and apples at the orphans who were dancing on stage and the performance eventually had to be cut short.

After the concert was halted, one child testified to a university reporter: “This is even worse than Uganda.” Another child replied, “No, it’s not.

Where Is Waldo?

Usdan Center Destroyed by Very Small Earthquake

In the early hours of Friday, Sept. 23, over 3,000 spectators gathered in awe as the Usdan University Center crumbled to the ground.

The Usdan-specific earthquake was really poor timing for Linus’ band practice in rehearsal room 101. The band members have been seen roaming around the wreckage aimlessly, along with five Bon Appétit managers and two students dragging a Fast-a-Thon sign through the debris at their feet.

Jacob Weinstein ’13 said, “This is a real blow to people trying to keep kosher this semester. Really what it comes down to is that, before the fire, there was a place to get kosher food ready made on campus. Now there isn’t.”

The response from the freshman class has been mixed. Jared Taylor ’14 of WestCo said, “When you think about it, it’s going to be a real treat to be able to reminisce about this in three years. Like honestly, I hear people talking about how cool MoCon was, like what the fuck is that? Anyways, in three years, it will be our turn.”

After the embers cooled, a handful of students were seen rummaging through the wreckage, salvaging what they could. Smith Holzberger, ’11, said, “Its really a take all you can carry deal. Now that we don’t have Usdan, those white plastic plates and yellow cups have really become a hot commodity. It’s not like you can walk in and take
new dishes whenever your old dishes get dirty. There are a limited number of them now. I just scored two plates and a bowl.”

With the loss of the main campus dining center, business at WesWings has really picked up, and reportedly Pi has seen a promising stable flow of people as well. Pi Manager Karen Harris said, “It’s really lucky that we didn’t seem to lose any customers. We still sell about 12 sandwiches a day, thank god.”

The WSA, which previously held meetings in the Usdan Center, will be meeting on Foss Hill until they can find another space. Nandita Krup ’11 confirmed that they will be sitting in a large circle on the hill, but could not speculate as to whether or not they will be bringing guitars.

“If people are in the right mood, they just might bring them. It's really too early to tell,” she said.

Campus officials say that there will be an eating event for hungry students and faculty at 12:30 and 7:00 in Summerfields daily. Light snacks will be provided.

The Mind of an Ampersand Editor

The Halftime Pep Talk I Gave During My Super Bowl Dream Last Night

All right guys, bring it in. Take a knee.

Well, fellas, here we are. Down by 50 in the Super Bowl. It’s raining naked pictures of me, and the other team is made up entirely of fig wasps (Agaonidae) with Barack Obama’s
face. I don’t think I need to spell just how bad the situation is. I know that the thousands of disappointed fathers in the bleachers are beginning to get that familiar look of silent judgment, but you know what? We can turn this around.

Because you know what we’ve got that they don’t? Heart. The other team may have
the head of the president and stingers the size of small rhinos, but we’ve got spirit. Also, I’m pretty sure some of you might be anthropomorphized badger-people, so I think we can work with that.

I remember I had a talk with my seventh-grade math teacher once. Well, I say my seventh-grade math teacher, but really it was a lion with her voice that was about to eat me. But before she did, she told me something that stuck with me to this day. She said, “Don’t put it there! You’ve got to let it boil for a bit before you serve it!” I think we can all learn something from that.

Geez, I guess I’m getting a bit too sentimental, huh? I can tell you Phillip Seymour Hoffman doppelgangers are getting bored. Okay, here’s the plan: That camp counselor I had three years ago whose name I can’t remember, pass every chance you get. If we don’t keep the ball moving, then the fig wasps will just swarm all over you. Hot chick from
physics, hold off on the blitzes. It’s hard to tackle a swarm of sentient insects. Also, put some clothes on.

Hoffmans, I need you to step it up on defense. You and the badger-people need to form
a brick wall, got that? If you can, try and goad the wasps into a penalty so the ref will eat them. Remember, t-rexes can only see movement.

Okay, guys, this is it. If you’ve got any questions, just direct them to Assistant Coach Mega Man, because my teeth keep falling out and I need to find my pants. And be sure to get plenty of water. Don’t worry about the penis-shaped bottles, I’m sure that doesn’t mean anything. Now let’s get out there and win that trophy that looks like my naked mother!

Peêet Pertussis ’14 for WSA Rep

VOICE OF THE GOLDEN FUTURE. ON MY LIFE, I SWEAR TO:

Abolish TuiTion - ChAnge WesleyAn’s FighT song To Alvin luCier’s “i Am siTTing in A room” - rebuild moCon To be used For iTs originAl purpose As A Flying sAuCer - leAd WesleyAn’s seCession From CorrupT “uniTed sTATes oF AmeriCA” - CleAnsing CenTers - replACe Free Condoms WiTh FerTiliTy pills - insTiTuTe mAndATory one Child poliCy As requiremenT For grAduATion - replACe CurrenT Courses WiTh TeAChings oF Wisdom oF hoWArd soosAn Klugguh, lord oF The sKies

VOTE FOR ME OR FACE ETERNAL NIGHT

Points of View

Where Is Waldo?

An Open Letter to the Current Occupant of My Old Dorm Room

So you got thrown in Clark 403, huh? Cool story, bro. I lived in that room frosh year, and let me tell you: as long as you snag enough peroxide to wipe aside all the blood and semen stains, it’s a pretty sweet pad. (Just kidding. Ammonia actually works better on the stains.) Anyway, here are some tips on how make the bestest out of my old home:

- If the bed begins to creak, try Reverse Cowgirl.
- Olin’s right next door; when the lighting’s right, students in 3A thesis carrels have a direct view into your room. Pose accordingly—your exposed member is prime inspiration for that kid writing his thesis on Meteorological and Glacial Ablation Controls in Norway.
- Sorry about the closet stench. I guess I was just never all too comfortable using a gender-neutral bathroom.
- Rumor has it Michael Bay ’86 occupied this room during the 1982–83 school year. As a proper tribute, please be sure to masturbate to the Transformers soundtrack at least twice a week.
- That peephole in the wall is perfect for watching the girl next door as she watches Gossip Girl and eats Beef-A-Roni.
- Don’t mind the badgers.

There you have it—you’re practically living in a palace! Enjoy your time in the good ol’ 403.

Hugs and kisses, Zach

Minority House Chronicles: 200 Church Comin’ Atcha

“I was a little surprised to find out ResLife housed me in 200 Chuch, because the 2014 Facebook group said it was a minority house,” said Albert Goldberg-Hilert ’14. “But then I thought, ‘Oh, maybe it’s because I’m Jewish.’”

The first few weeks for the freshmen went by without a hitch. Everyone became friends, but no one was quite sure my this particular group of freshman had been selected for residency in 200 “Minority House” Church. However, a few weeks into school, the true meaning of “Minority House” became apparent.

“Everyone was hanging around one night, playing pool and stuff, and we were blaring music,” said Robert Kownacki ’14. “Typical stuff for us, really. Weezer, Foo Fighters, MGMT… but then the next song came on, and it was “Big Poppa” by Biggie. I think we all felt like someone should change the track, but people suddenly started nodding their heads along with it, rapping with it even. Before I knew it, the whole house was drankin’, smokin’, straight west-coastin’!”

At that moment it became clear that 200 Church in fact houses the small minority of Wesleyan students who enjoy rap music. Every night since, the floor level of Minority House has been a grotto for hip-hop enthusiasts to bathe in the likes of everything from Cameo to NWA. (Am I allowed to say the ‘N’ when I say ‘NWA’? You know what it stands for, right?) It’s no secret Wesleyan students can’t “Fight the Power” when 200 Church residents “Bring the Noise,” but some university officials “Don’t Believe the Hype.”

“Whenever someone’s peeking into the girl’s locker room, it’s Minority House,” said Fran Koertig, Director of Residential Life. “Whenever half the campus reeks of marijuana, it’s Minority House. Whenever empty kegs are thrown off the roof of Allbritton, it’s Minority House!”

Because of 200 Church’s growing notoriety, Public Safety has been making frequent visits to the house in search of contraband related to rap music, including automatic firearms, purple drank, and cocaine.

“They thought I was a donut; they tried to glaze me,” said Alexander Lewis ’14.

The residents of 200 Church have made their intentions clear, stating that there is no party like a 200 Church party “‘cause a 200 Church party don’t stop!” This funkadelic, supa-fly locomotive of a party house is full-steam ahead on a collision course with no end. It might be best for everyone to just “let it be.”

How To Dress For Success At College Parties

So your friend told you about a “crazy rager” on Fountain where everyone is “mad wasted” and there are totally “girls.” Hey, that’s great, guy. But wait! What are you going to wear?

We at the Ampersand know how tough it is for gentlemen to pick out outfits. If you’re ever unsure how to best express yourself through your clothes and accessories, here are a few helpful hints that apply to literally any party scenario:

- Girls love wolves howling at the moon. Wear a wolf t-shirt anywhere on your body and watch the ladies come running. Be sure to quote Wolf Blitzer, carry your favorite Tom Wolfe novel and talk about your plans to go WWOOFing next summer.
- One word—Headband. Another word—TWO headbands.
- Do you want to convey that you’re a sensitive, artsy type? Why not wear a beret? Or why not wear a beret… and nothing else? After spending the week working out at Freeman, there’s no better way to show off that rockin’ body of yours while still showing people that you’re totally alternative. (Did we mention that the beret should be hanging on your dick? It should be hanging on your dick.)
- This next piece of advice is strictly for those who play the didgeridoo. If you don’t own/play the didgeridoo, stop reading right now:

All right didgeridudes, here’s the deal: As soon as there’s a lull in those fresh “party jams,” start blowing away on that hollowed out piece of wood of yours.
Wesleyan is a school that appreciates diversity and different cultures, so the other students at the party will no doubt embrace your attempt to share your culture. In no time at all you’ll have “heaps” of new “mates” and attention from a whole bevy of “sheilas.” But be careful not to play so loudly that P-Safe is called— that’s a major didgeriDON’T.

Important Notice For Citizen Readers of Ampersand Funny Humor Magazine

The Ampersand is the official organ of the Wesleyan Spartacist Tendency. Our mission is to consolidate a democratic workers’ center in order to prosecute total war against the ruling bourgeois clique in North College and their running dogs in the WSA. Ours is an international, revolutionary, proletarian publication informed by a scientific interpretation of Wesleyan University’s historical trajectory towards socialism. Death to the bourgeois reformists at Ostranenie and the revisionist utopians of the Hermes.

Dilemmas

Sit and Stuv Samakhom ’12 of Thailand (former Siam) struggle to sort out their disparate interests before the end of drop/add.

Health Center: Testicle Pain "A Problem"

This morning, Wesleyan Health Center officials released a report concerning the mysterious disease that struck many people on move-in day. The ailment spread rapidly from the fields to the dorms, jumping from victim to victim with startling speed.

“Not much is known about Balltothighitis,” said Joyce Walter, the director of the Health Center. “I don’t fully understand it, but as far as I know there’s no cure yet.”

According to the report, the disease seems to manifest only in males and is typified by a sudden, highly uncomfortable fusion of the scrotum to the upper thigh. “Imagine testicular torsion crossed with straddling a pommel-horse coated in glass shards and angry she-hornets,” said NYU epidemiologist Gregor Nutte. “It really sucks.”

Secondary symptoms include swelling, stickiness, and bilateral thigh chafe. The symptoms come and go seemingly at will; one student complained that he thought his symptoms had gone away late on Wednesday evening, only to have them return suddenly on Thursday afternoon.

“I was walking up Foss Hill with my new friends Jenna and Emily,” the student said, “when it hit me for the second time. I’m not gonna lie: I had trouble walking, and it was embarrassing. I mean, Jenna and Emily just had no idea what I was going through at that moment.”

Other boys who caught the disease did not escape with just embarrassment. At least two move-in volunteers were so surprised by the symptoms that they dropped what they were carrying and broke their pinky toes.

“It’s a real problem,” said Walter. “The only potential cause I can find for this epidemic is the heat and humidity. Since Hurricane Earl came through, there’s been an appreciable decrease in the number of boys coming to the Center.”

Happy Booty-Call Tuesday

At a recent student referendum, members of the Wesleyan community voiced concern that a rift is growing between groups of students with different interests and lifestyles. Hoping to remedy the alleged divide, the Office of Student Activities has announced a fun new weeknight activity to smooth the way for Wednesday’s “Bar Night” and Thirsty Thursday.

On the tentatively titled “Wacky Booty-Call Tuesday,” the office encourages students to choose another student from a radically different circle of friends with whom to flirtext, sext, and eventually perform a “wacky booty call.” Mark Romberg from OSA says the first two Tuesdays of this event have been a resounding success.

“I can’t describe to you the joy I felt when I saw a young flexual woman early this morning, stumbling home to Open House from Fauver, her flannel barely buttoned,” he said. “Already I feel the sense of community here has gotten much stronger. The amount of people wearing those big black-framed glasses at the football game last week was simply remarkable!”

Others do not feel such strong attachment to the new theme-night. Chaz Birmingham, deputy captain of the baseball team, found the differences between him and his new Tuesday Friend impossible to get past.

“What really got to me was that she wanted to play dubstep while we were hooking up. I mean, Marvin Gaye I can deal with. I can even get my groove on to electroclash. But I draw the line at dubstep. I mean, a man hasta have a little dignity.”

“Personally, I don’t like it,” said Thaddeus Schwartz, an Eclectic resident. “Call me weird, but it’s just too easy to remove running shorts, t-shirts, and sports bras. I just mastered the art of speedily undoing a belted romper and now I feel like I’m back in the little leagues.”

What You Should Not Have Brought (But Didn't Not)

Everyone knows the most hectic part of college is move-in day. In between trying to keep your gay lover hidden from your parents and reestablishing contact with your friendly neighborhood drug dealer, there’s a lot to get done in just a couple days. It’s only natural that in this state panic you would under- or overpack. With that in mind, the Ampersand has taken it upon itself to tell you exactly

WHAT YOU BROUGHT TO COLLEGE BUT DIDN'T NEED:

- Your little brother: Sooner or later, he’s going to find out that this isn’t a camping trip, the tarp under your bed isn’t a tent, and your roommate isn’t a bear. Also, this’ll mean you won’t have to keep all your food suspended in a cooler in the middle of the room.
- Your 4500 cubic centimeter scale model of Vienna’s Westbahnhof Train Station: Yes, it’s very impressive the way you knit the tiny uniforms for the tiny conductors and yes, it probably could get you all the chicks. But the fact is it simply takes up too much space for you to display your Ferris Bueller diorama.
- That many condoms: Come on dude, get real.

Of course, there’s also the possibility that there’s
STUFF YOU WILL NEED BUT DIDN'T BRING TO COLLEGE

- An Elvis-shaped whisky decanter: Who doesn’t want to drink from the neck hole of the King?
- A sense of self-worth: At some point, you aren’t experimenting with your sexuality. You’re just a slut.
- A tub of mayonnaise, a three-legged stool, and a pit bull that answers to “Vinny”: Believe me, these are going to come in handy in a big way.

Ways To Drive Your RA Crazy

- Ask, “Where is the bathroom?”
- Ask if you can go to breakfast in your pajamas.
- Tell them you’re having trouble flushing the toilet.
- Ask if babies are born from the butt.
- Ask if there is a truancy officer.
- Ask them to put calamine lotion on your infected nipple piercing.
- Never lower your hand at a hall meeting.
- Say loudly that you believe that spectra of gender identity, sexual idenitiy, and biological sex are acutally cycles, i.e. if you become too gay, you get straight.
- Pucker your lips whenever in their presence: they won’t know if something is wrong or if you’re doing it on purpose.
- Ask if you can do crunches in your room, or only in the athletic center.
- Practice your keytar.
- Ask, “Is unlocking a door like sex for a key?”
- Turn hir peephole around so you can watch ze in hir room.

Trapped Students Await Rescue

Hedging their bets, University officials said on Sunday they will set up a red steam shovel as an option to rescue the 33 Chilean students trapped underground since August 5.

The 33 Chilean students arrived on campus almost a month early for Chilean Student Orientation, a special program designed to acclimate the Andes-dwellers to life in Middletown.

Due to the Summer Session’s use of other facilities, the students were housed in Deep-Deep-Down 4, a disused section of the West College dormitory. Seismic activity caused by a high-decibel Buru Style rehearsal collapsed the poorly maintained underground residence hall. Luckily, the students had congregated in the main room to practice their colorful indigenous weaving techniques, and the small common area was spared by the cave-in, which crushed over 90% of livable space. Rescuers spent several days trying to determine whether any students had survived. After inserting a thin pipe into the subterranean area, University officials communicated with the trapped students and learned that all 33 were alive and boisterous. One official said the rowdy noises emanating from the cavern suggested the students were having a Chilean party.

Isaac Thompson ’12, a Residential Life orientation worker, has emerged as the group’s spiritual leader. He has organized a small secular chapel and leads the group in daily, extra-hot Bikram yoga sessions. Thompson, in an e-mail, joked that he thought his “forced-triple freshman year was bad haha” but added, in all seriousness, that he would be demanding a great deal of overtime pay. The group has voted in rules governing communal eating, gender-neutral bathrooms, and quiet hours. Sexile etiquette is still being negotiated.

WesCo’s listserv has already generated dozens of ideas for lifting the trapped students’ spirits, including a benefit concert and the delivery of medicinal herbs through the three-inch hole that provides food and water. On Sunday night all the Chilean students received a text from Wesleyan Student Assembly vice-president Ben Firke, which read, “don’t worry guys. help is on the way. –re-elect Feiring/Firke.”

The WSA has commented that in the wake of this tragedy it would be disrespectful for University officials to enforce the new open-container policy.

Wesleyan According to the 2014 Facebook Group

In the spirit of Orientation, the Ampersand has taken the liberty of compiling the most useful and insightful information from the Wesleyan 2014 Facebook group into a handy-dandy Guide to Places, Faces, and Terms at Wesleyan. These are actual quotes. Check it:

- 200 Church: Better known as “Minority House,” this program house is located “on the greens, close the Usdan library,” or maybe “like, across from the Bayit, but I could be very wrong.” 200 Church are “generally really nice guys who are very tight.”
- The ACB: The what?
- Butts: The Butts are “where people who are generally neutral and quite honestly, awesome live.” Offers a “well-knit community.” Bonus: “you get to meet upperclassmen.” Note: if you don’t live in the Butts, you will meet zero upperclassmen, neutral or partisan.
- Class of 2014: They chose Wesleyan for “the University Major and the campus-wide downloading network.” They’re passionate about “guitar, existentialism, the history of film, nature as both a solitary entity and an environmental issue, and fucking party.” And this is sooo shameless, but you should check out my music/film blog at http://theboyandcolors. blogspot.com/
- Fauver: “If you like sleeping, DON’T COME TO FAUVER. If you like to party and football and stuff like that, that’s the place for you.”
- Queer Life: There is none. “The LGBQ disbanded like 2 years ago.” Sorry.
- Usdan: Main campus library, next to Minority House.
- Wesleyan: “A crazy unique place where everyone has such interesting hobbies and passions.”
- Wesleyan College Republicans: “An active student group with a lot of big plans for the fall, and there are some really great opportunities to get involved.” Their plans may be really big, but the thread has zero replies.
- WestCo: “Everyone smokes weed there.” “Not everyone smokes weed there.” “Everyone smokes weed there.” “Not everyone smokes week there.” Regardless, “I am on bended knee thanking the powers that be for granting me a much-coveted spot in this highly sought-after, magical place.” Everyone smokes weed there.
- Ze Who Must Not Be Named Day: “It’s just some getting crazy, loose, and taking drugs kind of uh . . . celebration?”

Map of Wesleyan:

A Message For Transfers

Dear Incoming Transfers,

Congratulations on your acceptance to Wesleyan University! Transfers are a unique segment of the Wesleyan population notable for being unmemorable, unimportant and largely ignored. But never fear! Exciting opportunities await you.

Among the many housing options for you are halls such as Nicolson 5.86, known by hard-working custodians as the “Janitor’s Closet.” Or, to prepare you for a more independent lifestyle, you might enjoy living in Butterfields Q, a BYOB dorm (Bring Your Own Bed/desk/everything). We’d recommend furnishing your room via Waste Not, an event featuring used, discarded, and unwanted goods (you’ll feel right at home).

Feeling hungry? Then you’ll want to head on over to the Transfer Trough, just outside of Usdan (where the real Wesleyan students eat). Are you vegetarian? A meat lover? Well, your gruel will have a little bit of everything! Here at Wesleyan, we firmly believe in a liberal arts education where YOU choose your own path. Transfers have the options of shadowing real students or participating in medical experiments faculty research. Upperclassmen have already registered for their courses, but there are open seats in exciting classes such as “17th Century Penmanship,” “Sinbad,” and “Understanding Nutrition: Making My Lunch” (in which you will prepare me delicious sandwiches daily). The drop-add period lasts a full week, during which you’ll be able to continue to give up/run away, just like you did last year.

You all should have received your orientation packet by now. Please note that transfers are required to fill out all health forms and provide a blood sample, proving that you do not have a grievous blood-borne aliment. We need that blood. Also included is the scarlet “T” you must wear at all times on campus. Finally, we included a little treat: earlier this month, one of the “Class of 2014” mugs fell and shattered—we’ve sent you each a shard.

The year ahead is full of exciting opportunities—not for you so much, but you’ll see others enjoying themselves, and you’re more than welcome to observe them from the allotted Transfer section of Foss Hill. I know there is a lot to take in, but with an open mind and low expectations, you might not fuck up again.

Sincerely,

Milton Penis
Dean of Transfers and Assistant Exterminator

A Note from the Editors

Your computer monitor is currently displaying the first 2010-2011 issue of the Wesleyan Ampersand, the humor section of the Argus. Freshpersons, we hope Orientation was satisfactory, and that everyone engaged at your hall meetings. Now begins your four years of college. Stay alert. We at the Ampersand do not want you to enter this strange and exciting new period of your life without some sound advice from those with experience, dignity, and smooth, firm biceps. So here is everything we could think of during the nine minutes it took to microwave our foot-long hero sandwiches:

• Walk around in large packs; there is strength in numbers. Solid evidence from all phyla of the animal kingdom supports this.
• On Tuesdays, the Gatorade dispenser in Usdan actually dispenses vermouth.
• Think carefully before you get ice cream and pizza at the same time: you’ll have to eat the pizza while the ice cream melts, or eat the ice cream while the pizza gets cold!
• Hollow out books that you think are boring—the storage is worth it. We recommend Thucydides’ History of the Peloponnesian War. Anyone at the Ampersand can summarize it for you.
• Beta has free milk after 7 pm on the first Thursday of every second month. Knock and ask politely.
• If you knock long enough on the Skull and Serpent tomb door, it will open.
• If your party is busted by P-safe, hide all the liquor in your mouth. P-safe is not allowed to search your mouth.
• Have a ribald good time without alcohol: hold your breath until you feel lightheaded.
• There is fifth WestCo (Down 5) underneath the CFA, only accessible by dumbwaiter on the Sabbath.
• Be discerning about who you spend your time with: time is money, and money is cash, and Cash Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)
• When a hawk or falcon eats a squirrel, the tail is left behind. Look downwind.
• Caressed or licked, the popliteal fossa (the patch of skin behind the knee) is a powerful erogenous zone. Seduce Zes and Hirs using this technique. Attain best access by slithering along the floor.
• Check your testicles for strange lumps in the shower, or have a friend do it.
• See if you can throw a handful of yogurt in Usdan without hitting someone who went to high school at Fieldston.
• The tunnels are just a dirty hallway that someone graffitied.
• Don’t pee in bottles.
• Don’t be an asshole.

—Piers & Benjamin

Points Of View

What has been your favorite part of Orientation so far?


Andrej Filn ’14
“Meeting all the other ’14ers! It’s great to see that social interactions are just as stilted and nauseatingly artificial in person as they are on the Facebook group.”


Amanda Roller ’14
“My first time pooping in a gender-neutral bathroom really opened my mind to the cycle of socialization that propagates society’s reflexive and endemic fear, ignorance, confusion, and insecurity.”


Jordan Reffick ’14
“Listening to the new MGMT album with my roommate/new best friend! I can’t believe those guys went here!”

An E-mail Home

hey mom & dad,
orientation was really fun. one of the things i went to was bend it at beckham. i thought they were just going to show that movie about the soccer lesbians? lame right? but actually it was a dance party where everyone bends their gender. (you wouldn’t get it, but the girls dress like lil wayne and the guys wear like, tight skirts and a boner) a boob touched me, so pretty fun. basically saw some dude (?) receiving dome i think. dad, dont tell mom what dome is. one night even my roommate was like “freshman orientation? more like sexual orientation” haha. but then he told me he heard what dad said about his west side story posters when we were unpacking?thanks…. not. anyway, in general the girls i talked to so far seemed DTF and smart/nice. dad, don’t tell mom what DTF is. one thing though is i walked into the bathroom when my RA was getting out of the shower….. really big areolas, kind of weird/gross. talk about the real world. so yeah, i actually am learning a lot. i miss you guys kind of, except gram-gram, who was really mean to me for some reason when we left on move in day. tell her i said she can go genderfuck herself, my ipad is cool. (chill its not a swear- will explain later.)
- jon

New Foss Vies For Spotlight

Fresh faces on campus this year have something a little different to look forward to: a new hill dubbed ‘Freshman Foss,’ or ‘MoCon Foss,’ on the site of the demolished McConaughy Dining Hall. The sloping field of dirt faces the Vine Street tennis courts and features newly installed plastic fencing. Created in order to address both crowding on Foss and a gaping construction hole, student response has been overwhelmingly positive.

“Another hill! When I toured they only mentioned one!” said Miriam Winters '14. A sophomore transfer student, Kris Connors, added, “Dirt stains wash out better than grass stains.” The barren lot, which still has bits of rubble and wire sticking out of the ground, can’t be used as a sledding hill because it abuts a busy roadway, and sometimes the loose soil causes sudden falls to the sidewalk below. But many students welcome this change. “You have to pay attention,” said Connors. “It keeps you alert.”

Some older students don’t like the change to campus. The tennis team wishes to maintain its current lack of visibility. “It’s just better with no one there,” said one anonymous ball boy.

Wesleyan Alumni have charged the University with disrespecting an Ancient Indian Food Burial Ground. “MoCon served samosas that one time,” said a Bon Appetit spokesperson. “They were pretty bad.”

For now, Freshman Foss is the perfect site for finding new friends. Three students have been bitten by the disoriented bats that burrow in the dirt furrows, and the trio bonded in the Middletown Hospital Emergency Room.

“I don’t think I’ll ever hang out on that bigger hill in the middle of campus,” said Greg Donovan ‘13, who recently contracted tetanus on the new hill from a piece of jagged pipe. "This one's steeper, edgier, all around awesome."

Navigating Sexile: Put Your Roommate Back in Hir Place

The practice of sexile, whereby one roommate is ignominiously banished while the other has sex with a person, is an unfortunate aspect of the freshman experience. Lest you find yourself in the cold, lonely straits of waiting in a friend’s room trying not to look at their lame Wicked poster, take these handy preemptive measures:

• Prepare a memo about your roommate’s shortcomings and weaknesses and distribute it after class.
• Leave your Duplo collection next to hir bed. Duplo is a bonerkill.
• Forsake language, sleep hanging from the ceiling, and hunt squirrels. Gain a reputation around campus as “the Wildman” (even if you aren’t a man), so your roommate will thus be cursed with the reputation of “the one who lives with the Wildman.”
• Say, “Isn’t three enough for one evening?” if your roommate enters with a potential mate.
• If you absolutely must have the room that night, barricade the door with their mattress and don’t let them in no matter what you might hear outside.
• Spread rumors about your roommate: ze used SparkNotes for Plato’s Republic in high school; ze is secretly covered with oozing, contagious pustules; ze doesn’t think too highly of the new Panda Bear singles; ze deals 50% oregano to unsuspecting freshmen.
• Discuss the possibility of sexile with your roommate and come to your own arrangement.

However, should the worst come to pass, you aren’t entirely out of options. You can camp out in the library, just like the pioneers did. Although the building technically closes at night, you can probably set up a tent and campfire in the stacks without anyone finding you. If there are people making the beast with two backs in the stacks right next to your campsite, go to your advisor’s house and ask to use the guest room. That’s what they’re for.

Mytheos to Wesleyan: “You Been Trolled, Bitches.”

In a shocking revelation to the Wesleyan community this week, noted campus conservative Mytheos Holt ’10 declared himself “the ultimate troll,” revealing his entire right-wing persona to be a sick four-year-long joke.

“You been trolled, bitches!” announced the History and Government double major in a final Mytheology column, entitled Wesleyan Viewed From The LOLZ. “The school is my ACB, and my reCAPTCHA is ‘gullible as fuck.’ What now!”

Holt’s announcement refutes years of speculation that his conservatism is either a complex sociology experiment or an extended sort of Kaufman-esque performance art installation. Others have hypothesized that Holt’s persona is a DKE pledge task gone horribly awry; one Psychology professor, choosing to remain anonymous, terms the resulting condition “Schizophrenic Republican Fragmentation Syndrome.”

Following graduation, Mr. Holt intends to move to Williamsburg and work as a staff writer for Keith Olbermann’s Countdown.

Pre-frosh Parents: Do not Worry About Your Child’s Welfare

At Wesleyan, we take fun seriously. We take safety with a few shots of tequila, and I don’t think anyone wears underpants anymore. I don’t. That is to say, we’re all adults here at Wes. Your precious offspring are in well-meaning, moisturized, semi-criminal hands for the weekend. And hopefully over the next four developmentally delicate years, they will become us.

Their immature and adorable buds of drug habits will blossom into sweeping gardens of abuse and disorder. They’ll learn how to cram a week’s worth of homework into one night of caffeinated and fluorescently lit delirium.

There’s a lot to look forward to.

-Dave

Points Of View

Wesleyan’s incoming Class of2014 survived a 20% acceptance rate — the most selective rate in the school’s history. Why do you think you were admitted to the university?




Frank Libosh ‘14
“I don’t know! I don’t even practice Methodism!”




Amanda Seeler ‘14
“Everyone always writes their college essay about doing volunteer work in Nicaragua. I wrote mine about volunteer work in Honduras.”




Suspenders Charlie ‘14
Let’s just say there was no alleged dick-sucking of any kind – know what I mean?

Public Safety Alert: Danger Lurking at Wesfest

Public Safety would like to alert the community that prefrosh season is upon us. It is important for all students to familiarize themselves with the warning signs of potentially dangerous prefrosh encounters. These beasts are often observed travelling in packs, accompanied by what seem to be older, more neurotic prefrosh. They are also usually seen carrying around handfuls of brochures and information sheets: nesting materials. Be aware that prefrosh are especially inclined to sleep on the floors of inhabited dorm rooms. Should you find a prefrosh living in your room, keep in mind that it is just as afraid of you as you are of it.

You may have noticed groups of prefrosh being led around by Wesleyan students: please understand that these students are specially trained to handle big groups of these wild creatures. Please do not approach any of these groups, because the prefrosh could become startled and attack the group leader in its confusion, or harm itself. Topics of conversation that could provoke an advance by a prefrosh include standardized test scores, the Brown waitlist, and especially Justin Bieber. Finally, remember that the prefrosh is a majestic animal, beautiful and horrifying at the same time. They are essential to the local ecology, and attempts to exterminate prefrosh are strongly discouraged. For this reason, Public Safety has set up enclosed drop sites at Admissions where prefrosh can be held and safely released back into the wild. The cooperation of the student body in this matter is appreciated.

Spotlight on Inspirational Prefrosh: Usdan Fayerweather

The Ampersand interviewed a particularly representative prefrosh named Usdan Fayerweather.

Ampersand: So baby, why Wesleyan?

UF: Well, it’s the perfect environment for me to expand my mind, both with and without hallucinogens. Pot’s starting to lose that extra “oomph” for me, you know?

Amp: What’s the deal with your fishy name?

UF: Oh, that’s just a coincidence. My parents were very formal.

Amp: So Usdan – can I call you Usdan? We know you have a passion for stamp collection. How did you rise to the top of Stamp Kollectors Electorate Enterprise Today (SKEET), the premiere stamp collecting association in North America?

UF: I’ve done things I’m not proud of.

Amp: You’re also an accomplished R&B artist, correct?

UF: That’s right. In fact, I’m in the midst of merging my two passions. My latest album was called “Lickin’ Yo Back.” It’s a concept album about what it means to be a nongendered stamp collector in America, and the persecution it brings. I like to think that my position as the foremost R&B artist who collects stamps lets me give a voice to a sizable minority that would otherwise have to suffer in silence, and I’d really love to experiment further with my music. Some sort of punk/polka fusion thing.

Amp: One last question: are you Wesleyan?

UF: That’s a tough one. I have quoted Hume, Hegel, and Homer Simpson, but if I were a car, I’d probably be an Oldsmobile with authentic pleather interior, with a pair of fuzzy dice under the mirror.

Class of 2014: Admitted Students Profile

In an exclusive Class of 2014 profile released this week, the Stewart M. Reid Office of Admissions proudly announced that only 31% of accepted students are complete tools. “Of the remaining 69%, approximately 18% are pretentious cocklaundry,” explained Senior Dean of Admissions Gregory Pyke in a comprehensive report. “The last 51% splits pretty evenly between ass-hoses and Das Racist-fetishizing dickstubs.” The report also flaunted the incoming class’s geographic diversity, noting that only 36% of the potential class hails from Manhattan’s Upper East Side, with Brooklyn, Long Island, and Westchester claiming 17%, 20%, and 37% respectively. “There was also that one young lady from Montana,” added Pyke. “I knew it was a risk, but I have a thing for applicants with nursing home volunteer experience.”

Roth Has a Birthday, But That Doesn't Make Him Mortal!

Michael S. Roth, Guardian of Wesleyan (and my dreams), turns one year older on this Thursday, April 8th. He’s rumored to be between several thousand and infinity years old, but some scientists report that time itself is defined by his existence.

In addition to his mythically large penis and invisible handlebar mustache, we can all agree that he’s the gentle and mysterious father-figure that we desperately seek approval from. I’ve been sleeping outside his office for the last two weeks, and I can tell you that he works, and smells vaguely, like a lion king.

This week’s Ampersand is dedicated to the Mary Poppins of liberal arts college presidents, Sir Michael “the human saxophone” Roth, esq.

-Dave

To the birthday boy and Wesleyan at large

The Ampersand is throwing a party for our favorite Jewish-American academic! And everyone is invited! Come eat some veal and play Twister with us as we commemorate this special day, and celebrate our favorite 16th President of Wesleyan! It’s all going down Thursday at PAC, from 9 p.m. to question mark. As you might expect, there will be plenty of fun snacks and sphincter-tingling activities, including an appearance by the third most popular plus-sized stripper troupe in Middletown: Wash Yo Ass! Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire. We booked Justin Bieber and baked him into a cake, just for you, Michael! We at the Ampersand have even been doing serious journalistic research and source-citing (we hacked his e-mail) to determine some of Michael’s favorite party games. So, come on down and press your boobs against a wet pane of glass, or sip on some antifreeze! It’s sure to be a great time, especially because the party can’t get busted by PSafe. See you there, Mikey!

Roth Through the Ages

5290 BCE – After extensive travel through the Fertile Crescent, Roth invents writing, the wheel, agriculture, and metaphor.

5288 BCE – Roth begets Martin Benjamin ‘57, his first son and lifelong nemesis.

0 CE – Roth’s Id, Ego, and Superego split into three bodies and gift the baby Jesus with gold, frankincense, and myrrh, respectively.

99 CE – Roth invents the chariot.

1234 – Roth attains Nirvana.

1301 – Roth meets and inseminates Quetzalcoatl, fathers Odin.

1505 – Roth discovers the 12 uses of hemp, starts hemp activism.

1800s – Roth punches Nietzsche in the throat when he suggests that God is dead.

1874 – Roth fathers Winston Churchill.

1933 – Roth fathers Philip Roth.

1944 – Roth cuckolds FDR.

1966 – Roth graduates from fourth grade.

1974 – Roth applies to Wesleyan, gets accepted to Wesleyan, gets crunk at Wesfest.

1975 – Roth slays ADP Grotto Troll and is subsequently named President of ADP.

1977 – Roth fathers Kanye West.

1978 – Roth leaves Wesleyan a year early in order to search for horcruxes. ADP is left leaderless, and it will never recover.

1980 – Roth spurns Madonna. Most of her subsequent releases deal directly with this event.

1995 – Roth hi-fives Jerry Garcia on Jerry Garcia’s deathbed.

2001 – Roth invents the iPod.

April 8, 2010 – The Ampersand writes a brief timeline of Roth’s exploits.

2012 – Roth builds a time machine and travels back to his childhood and fathers himself.

New History Channel Show About Roth

The History Channel has announced that, after extensive talks with President Michael Roth, they are ready to move forward into preproduction of their newest show, “The Secret War: Michael Roth and the 17th Division.”

“We’re pleased to have Mr. Roth onboard for this project,” said History Channel spokesperson Derek Fellsh. “His is an amazing story. If it weren’t for him, the world would be overrun with the Communist undead.”

The show details his career in the 17th Division, a top-secret branch of Allied High Command, whose objective was to prevent the Communists from recovering ancient occult relics and gaining unimaginable power.

“There are several reasons we decided to focus on Michael,” Fellsh said. “He was a Captain of the 17th from its inception in 1950 to the defeat of Omega-Stalin and the Thule Society in 1969.”

The program will document several operations that Roth headed. These include the Division’s first mission in 1951, wherein they prevented a Soviet commander from attacking London with a doom cannon from a zeppelin hovering above the city, as well as the 1958 raid deep behind enemy lines (led by Roth) on the castle of Wolfenstein to prevent the Communists from gaining access to the “Black Sun,” a potentially limitless source of energy. However, Fellsh expressed particular frustration that the U.S. government explicitly prevented them from documenting the Division’s most dangerous mission: their journey to Hatay to recover an object code-named “The Grizzle Grail.”

“We weren’t allowed even to research that operation,” Fellsh said. “All they said was that revealing the identity of the operating commander would compromise national security. We also had to shoot the last few episodes quickly because Roth insisted that he couldn’t miss a Wesleyan recruiting dinner on the Russian island of Nova Zembla.”