WNN Declared Totally Popular Epidemic

What began a harmless, witty, Shakespearean-esque title for a tag sale has created rippling consequences across the Wesleyan community—and no, we’re not talking about the disastrous effects on perceived economic status of the student body. We’re talking about the sad misinterpretation of the slogan, which gave rise to the new psychological disorder known as “Waist Not Nervosa” (WNN). Hordes of Wesleyan females have begun serving themselves considerably less food during meal times. “Not only is the aim to ‘waste not’,” said one sophomore, “but to waist not as well!” Although the unhealthy trend has just hit campus, bohemian-chic fashion mavens like Mary-Kate Olsen have been brandishing the look for a few years now. “I’ve always striven for the ideal hour glass figure, and an invisible waist is part of that look,” said a senior who is now being injected with frappé fried chicken due to her alarming 8 inch decrease in stomach circumference. As haunting as the image of these students may be, more disturbing is the psychological effect of the “waist not” mantra. Most of its followers suffer from distorted body images, and view their stomachs as much more “waistful” than they actually are.
OBHS recently released a statement in which they encouraged students “not to waist not, or stop being completely retarded.” They claim that the medical repercussions of this new saying far outweigh the environmental ones that occur from wasting. This has angered some faculty members who disagree with the promotion of not not wasting in any form—waistful or otherwise. “Here we have a coherent school message, something to help conserve the earth, something to engage the class of ’13, and something to raise money and stimulate the economy—and yet the Office of Behavioral Health chooses to publicly contradict it? It’s a load of post-meal vomit,” said President Roth. Despite the controversy, the medical threat of WNN is indisputable. To prevent your friends from falling down the waistless pit of starvation, keep an eye out for the following symptoms: donning stiff, cylindrical shirts to minimize whatever midsection still exists, eating air with a fork, and the ability to resist the falafel cart at 1 am after getting really high.