Letter of apology from the Jew

I haven’t been a very good Jew since coming to college, and this Yom Kippur I was thinking about some of the apologies that I owe to my community.
To my half-Jewish friends: I’m sorry that I called you unicorns. Just because technically you only have one horn, that’s no reason to imply you don’t exist.
To my non-Jewish friends: I’m sorry for complaining so much when the joint is too small for me to light without burning my nose. And stop threatening to get me arrested for stealing your air.
To my blonde friends: I’m sorry for how often i compare you to Hitler Youth.
To that uncut dude from last weekend: I’m sorry for laughing at you and making you feel bad about the unclean abomination on your genitals.
To my housemates: Thanks for sticking with me during the fire, and I’m sorry I blocked the front door to pick up those two dollars I saw on the floor. I was pretty sure we were gonna make it out anyway.
To Jesus: I’m sorry that you aren’t the son of God. Bastard.