Public Safety: Keep Sexual Adventures Where They Belong, in the Butts

Public Safety is planning to crack down on what they have deemed an epidemic of sexual misconduct in academic buildings. “It has come to our attention via an anonymous source that weekly, extremely horny students are pleasured in Exley Science Center and the Olin Library Stacks. We urge the students to keep it zipped outside your residence halls.” The new focus is based on the newly established fact that most of the student body is vehemently dtf. The incidents are often unplanned, which can make it difficult to track down those who are “looking for a messy fuck in the Sexley bathrooms.” Public Safety warns that they are quickly acquiring more data about where the most common occurrences are happening, and that students should seriously reconsider any future plans for a Sixth Floorgasm in Exley. Recently, however, the reliability of Public Safety’s informants has been called into question. In response to this accusation, a Public Safety representative responded, “No, seriously! I mean…yeah, shit, you’re probably right.” The Public Safety representative wished to remain anonymous.