Ampersand Guide to Fetishry

Fetish season is upon us, so hose off your latex chaps and bring your marble bust of the Marquis De Sade out of thebox labeled “baseball stuff” in your attic. This year, the Ampersand has paid a visit to the High Council of the Licentious and the Wicked to bring you this list of the year’s hottest perversions.

• John Deere Riding Lawnmowers: Deere hunters can’t get enough of the rumbling motors on their favorite residential lawn tractors. For extra enjoyment, sit on a hard-boiled egg and ride over gravel.
• Powdered wigs: Rock me Amadeus.
• Tarring and Feathering: Popularized by the popular Foxxx News program Tar Me Up, Feather Me Down with Joe the Plumber, made possible by viewers like you (and Koch Industries).
• Astronauts: Houston, we have an enormous, throbbing erection.
• Hairnets: Either regular or pubic.
• Real-time location data: The ability to achieve a state of sexual arousal only when aware of one’s precise geographic coordinates. Consider buying a new Garmin™ Vibrating GPS.
• Blowholes: Dolphins give great blowjobs.
• Brechtian Alienation Devices: Based on Weimar modernist Bertolt Brecht’s (1898 – 1956) theory of Verfremdungseffekt, which holds that works of art should not assume false airs of realism that causes the spectator to identify complacently with the characters or action. Rather, a work of art (according to the theory) should employ alienation effects that lead the spectator to gyrate feverishly with erotic glee until the floor is covered with the bounty of his seed.
• Feet: You are a deviant and a threat to American values. Get yourself to the nearest castration clinic before you hurt somebody.