Wesleyan Graduating Class Struggles to Cope with Post-Osama Job Climate

While much of Wesleyan’s student body greeted news of Osama Bin Laden’s death with patriotic exclamations and cheers of relief, members of the class of 2011 anticipate difficulty adjusting to a post-Bin Laden job climate. Film major Daniel Hertz ’11 is especially feeling the hit.

“I was planning to, like, make an indie documentary about driving around the country next year looking for Osama while stopping at every Taco Bell we pass along the way,” explains Hertz, who has already secured money for the project through the Tölölyan Fund for the Study of Diasporas and Transnationalism. “The working title was Tacosama Grande. My 10-year-old sister agreed to come on the trip and everything.”

For Hertz, post-grad employment ideas have been suddenly, and cruelly, snuffed by Bin Laden’s death. “What am I supposed to do now, work at fucking Foot Locker? Fuck Foot Locker.”

Fellow senior Amanda Gruerwitz ’11 is equally distressed, unsure how Bin Laden’s discovery in Abbottabad, Pakistan, will affect her senior thesis, “Osamarama: Post-Structuralist Rearticulations of Bin Laden in Iowa.”

“My thesis locates Bin Laden’s presence in a hideout camp beneath a Des Moines, Iowa, women’s shelter within an Althusserian constellation of post-Lacanian butch-feminist patriarchal critique,” Gruerwitz explains. “He wasn’t actually in Iowa, I guess.”

Alone among his classmates, James Robbins ’11 is pleased by his new employment options.

“My new Tumblr has been doing pretty well. It’s called ‘Osama at Chuck E. Cheese.’ Just pictures of Osama photoshopped into pictures of kids at Chuck E. Cheese. Pretty sweet.”

Robbins hopes to spend next year living off the royalties of the upcoming “Osama at Chuck E. Cheese” coffee table book at his grandmother’s house in Scarsdale, N.Y.

“She has a water trampoline and everything. Pretty sweet.”