This week, in a joint press conference called by the Connecticut Department of Environmental Protection and the Wesleyan University Department of Environmental Science, researchers announced that the university’s population of Rebeccas has reached critical levels.
“Biologists have what’s known as a carrying capacity,” explained a grave Johan C. Varekamp, Professor of Earth and Environmental Science: “The physical characteristics of a habitat that put an upper limit on the number of organisms it can support. Data from the Office of the Registrar confirms that we have reached that point.”
“Shit’s about to hit the fan,” added Varekamp, gazing worriedly towards Clark Hall.
Scientists first suspected something was amiss when field biologists tranquilized and tagged a shockingly high number of Rebeccas during April’s WesFest. Though the Nicole and Rachel populations seemed stable, Rebeccas, Beccas, and even Beckys have experienced an exponential increase.
“They are multiplying,” explained Senior Associate Dean of Admissions Greg Pyke. “We admit one Rebecca, she spends the summer as a camp counselor telling everyone she is ‘Sooooo excited’ about going to Wesleyan. Three years later, another brood of applicants has gestated.”
According to the Connecticut DEP, Rebeccas have been forced onto Wesleyan’s habitat by deforestation and lower admission rates at Brown.
Many campus resources are buckling under the strain.
“Usdan was never designed to deal with this volume of Rebeccas,” said Bon Appetit Director of Communications Bonnie Azab Powell. “We go to local farms and their patches of organic snow peas have been picked clean. This has implications for the entire Middletown food web.”
“I now have three Rebecca Kleins in my student forum on Postcolonial Ghanian Puppeteering,” complained Ally Fontworth ’12. “And they keep showing up in the same pair of vintage slim straight 32-30 jeans.”
Some members of the Wesleyan community stand to benefit from the ecological paradigm shift. “Boys named Zach will soon be inundated whenever they venture to local watering holes,” reported Varekamp. “They will be set upon like a gazelle on the Savannah.”
But in a few short months, there won’t be enough boys named Zach for Rebeccas to take home to their parents, scientists fear.
The human cost of this overpopulation is very apparent already. “I went out to Psi U on Thursday and now I have like six Rebeccas in my Blackberry,” said Jake Griffith ’14. “One of them is my cousin, so sexting is now like playing incestuous Russian Roulette with my dick.”
University officials attempted to calm the public. “My office has been working with officials from the United States Fish and Wildlife Service, who tackled a similar problem with Elks in Yellowstone National Park,” said Director of Public Safety David Albert Meyer. “Reintroduction of the grey wolf is already underway in the West College courtyard.”
