A pall fell over
the sunny pre-festivities of this year’s Oscars after director James Cameron
publicly outed Orlando Bloom as an illiterate.
Bloom, Cameron
alleges, is unable to read even the simplest English. The 35-year-old English
Adonis relies heavily on prompters who feed him lines phonetically and is
unable to recognize most letters of the alphabet.
Cameron says he
chose to reveal Bloom’s crippling secret because the angelic thespian spurned
his advances.
“I’m not going to
hide it for him anymore,” Cameron said. “Orlando can’t even write his own name.
He is a dolt, a simpleton. That beautiful, beautiful man has the vocabulary of
a ten-year-old, and he broke my heart.”
Fans nationwide
are shocked and aggrieved to learn that Bloom — the ageless elven androgyne;
the roguish, soft-spoken swashbuckler; Helen’s bronzed, smooth-skinned seducer
— had deceived them.
“He used to be a
role model,” said Eli Meixler ’13, tears welling in his eyes, “but now he can’t
even read!” Wracked by sobs, Meixler raised his trembling fists to the pitiless
Connecticut sky. “If thou beest he; But O how fall’n!”
Bloom’s camp have
dismissed the accusation as malicious and patently false. His publicist has
released a written statement from Bloom, meant to quell suspicions.
“sens [sic] wen i
am yung,” Bloom’s defense reads, “i red alot of books even wit h word longr
then 5 lettrs. awlays i rummemmer kno my lines. i can reed i can reed i can
reed i can reed.”
Bloom was
unavailable for further comment.
