A new video from campus group Wesleyan Untrimmed:
The Ampersand stands with Planned Parenthood. Sign the petition!
3/30/11
3/29/11
A Note from the Editors
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— Zachary and Benjamin
— Zachary and Benjamin
Tweet from Piers
It may be because I haven’t eaten one in a while, but the whole mango I diced for lunch today left me feeling discomposed.. —Piers
An Email From The Davison Health Center (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)
It’s nearing that time of year again: allergy season!
As midterms wind down and prep begins for Spring Fling and WesFest, we want to make sure you take special care of yourselves, so we’ve decided to compile a list of tricks and tips for the spring.
As midterms wind down and prep begins for Spring Fling and WesFest, we want to make sure you take special care of yourselves, so we’ve decided to compile a list of tricks and tips for the spring.
- Try your best to exercise regularly.
- Eat healthfully.
- Practice safe sex (in your rooms).
- Only use a Fleshlight if it is your own. The Fleshlights found lying around the Butts tunnels have probably been used and so it is likely they are suppositories for disease. Don’t touch them.
- If you suffer from seasonal allergies, take one, and no more than one, Claritin daily.
- Those of you in Clark with windows facing Olin: close your blinds at night.
- Remember that “going home” is a baseball term. Home plate on Andrus is not a place for orgies. Nor are any of the other bases for that matter.
- Professor Charleston, in the Humanities Department, left a stack of term papers on his desk when he exited his office last Monday night, and when he came back the next morning, they were stuck there. Do not let this become a habit.
- Just because Obama spoke on that podium doesn’t mean it is okay to fuck there. Thanks in advance!
- As the days pass, it’s going to get hotter, so remember to stay constantly hydrated.
- WesBreasts: The Movie is hardly an appropriate title for a senior thesis film.
- Several students reported vomiting after ingesting some viscous substance in the Usdan pesto. If you’re working in the vegan section at Usdan, you are to be doing your job and nothing else.
Smoking Is Bad (ONLINE X-KLOO-SIEVE)
Here at the Ampersand we can’t claim to everything, but some things we can are responsible research methods and insightful journalism with an eye toward the public’s wellbeing. It is with this higher calling in mind that the Ampersand Editorial Staff spent it’s entire annual budget on cigarettes (and incurred one $3,000 debt in judicial bail), Why, you might ask? Was it the realization that the Office of Internal Studies is both less efficient and more personally antagonizing than the DMV? That a CSS/Film Studies double major won’t in any way convince someone to hire you? That there’s not a thing about a black-light dance party that we actually enjoy? For You. We did it for You. Because Smoking isn’t just bad for your health:
1 As in, morally reprehensible. Like state lotto’s. Or cheese from an aerosol can. Or corporate advertisements beamed into Space.
2 Johnny Depp smokes cloves. And it will never matter how wealthy and long-lashed and indifferent you can look while doing so, you will never be cool smoking cloves.
3 Smokers Quarterly, Vol. 19, Num. IV, “Cigarette Replaces Man’s Best Friend: Costs Less, Walks More,” p. 61. Southern Methodist University Press: Corpus Christi, 1987.
Smoking is Bad1
(Title)
- Let’s take care of this one immediately. Smoking is addictive. And not in the “OMG How I Met Your Mother is SUCH an addictive show! And now that all 8 Seasons are available on Hulu there’s no way I can focus long enough to take the breath at the end of this sentence! Gotta Go watch NPH KThnxBye!” sense, but more in the “WHAT!? It’sONLYbeen14minutes sincemylast CIGARETTE HOWisthatevenPOSSIBLE? I haven’tsleptin82HOURS andcannot focus ona SINGLEGODDAMN THING” more-addictive-than-cocaine” kind of addictive.
- People say: Smoking Makes You Cool, and All the Cool Kids Do It, and Johnny Depp Smokes Cigarettes2 and He was in Pirates of the Caribbean; Do not listen to these people because These People are Wrong. The less glamorous truth is that Smoking is a leading cause of fat chicks and friendlessness.3
- Smoking will NOT make you sound smarter while talking about an Ishiguro novel you only read the back of.
- Police interrogations are just as terrifying without cigarettes.
- Cigarettes have caused every California wildfire since 1872.
- 100% of Smokers die.
- Also, Stephen Hawking died of cigarettes.
- Smoking will not cause a harem of hipster princesses to spontaneously materialize around you. See: Cocaine, underwhelming music, greasy hair.
- ……….
- (Cigarette break)
1 As in, morally reprehensible. Like state lotto’s. Or cheese from an aerosol can. Or corporate advertisements beamed into Space.
2 Johnny Depp smokes cloves. And it will never matter how wealthy and long-lashed and indifferent you can look while doing so, you will never be cool smoking cloves.
3 Smokers Quarterly, Vol. 19, Num. IV, “Cigarette Replaces Man’s Best Friend: Costs Less, Walks More,” p. 61. Southern Methodist University Press: Corpus Christi, 1987.
Ampersand Guide to Self-Surgery
- Uvulectomy: Reach back into your throat with your thumb and forefinger until you feel your uvula. Touching it may cause you to gag reflexively; if you feel the need to vomit, simply clench your esophageal sphincter to suppress it. Pinch the uvular bulb, digging your nails into the flesh. Say “aah” and give a firm tug. The uvula should detach with a slight pop. Also works for tonsils and swallowed items.
- Tongue bifurcation: Run with tongue extended into a taut vertical string of dental floss or razor wire.
- Lasik® laser eye surgery: Complete Lasik® laser eye surgery certification course. Perform surgery on self.
- Webbed finger separation: Web skin can be easily removed with scissors, hedge trimmers, or one’s own teeth.
- Boulder-crushed arm removal: 127 hour procedure. But you don’t need 4 MFAs for this one.
- Tracheotomy: Wedge one end of a chopstick above your Adam’s apple and prop the other end on a table or other surface. Lean on it until you feel it break through your skin and pass out the back of your neck. You’ll find yourself breathing easy in no time (just don’t hit your brain stem!)
- Splenectomy: Get yo hand right up in there and rip it out yo midriff.
- Colonoscopy: Buy a pack of colon grub eggs, available over the counter at any pharmacy. Crack a raw chicken egg into your anus, and then embed the colon grubs in the nutrient-rich yolk. In 3-8 weeks the larvae will hatch and devour your colon polyps. But be careful
- they’ll keep growing if you don’t ex-terminate them quickly, and if they get too hungry they eat your healthy anus tissue too!
- Wenis reduction: Use a binder clip to flatten folds of excess wenis. Circumcise.
- Areolae enhancement: Ice them up, then graft some circles of skin from inside your cheeks and lips. If you can’t staunch the mouth blood, graft in some patches from your inner thighs(but don’t hit the femoral artery!).
- Liposuction: Cut your way into your bloated abdomen with a cookie cutter or shark tooth, then borrow someone’s wet/dry vac and suck until there’s nothing left.
- Kidney transplant: Steal a kidney (use your imagination; we’ll look the other way). Swallow it down. Your body will naturally know what to do, with a little help from our intelligent designer.
- Female penis eversion: Reach deep into your vagina and give a sharp tug; you should be able to pull out your inner penis with ease. In a few weeks, you will find that your ovaries have become testicles, but they won’t descend, so you’ll have the coax them down. Time to get boning!
Ask the Doctor
- How should I treat my friend’s adult diaper rash?
- Is it possible to overdose on “chill pills”?
- I don’t feel good.
- What’s your opinion on meth?
- What steps can I take to prevent
- my eyelashes from growing back?
- My pet viper has a cough! Help!
- Should I really stop eating the lead paint off my wall?
- For the past couple of years, I’ve been experiencing a slowly progressing paralysis in all of my limbs. Should I make an appointment?
- Why doesn’t someone combine Pizza Hut and Taco Bell into one thing?
- About Viagra?
Mortality Cited As Leading Cause of Student Death
Leading scientists have identified mortality (also known as death, dying, the Malaysian catnap, and Kennedying) as an epidemic on the rise. Despite advances in medical technology, mortality still claims more lives than ever before and doesn’t seem to be slowing down any time soon. With daily exposure on the front pages of newspapers everywhere, mortality is bigger than Jesus, the Beatles, and crystal meth combined. The Ampersand has generously blackmailed a panel of international experts into compiling this list of mortality tips for your benefit.
- Over 97 percent of all university students die at some point in their lives.
- Smoking increases the risk of mortality onefold.
- Contrary to widespread belief, the “Carradine defense” of fleeing to Thailand, stripping naked, tying a protective rope around one’s neck, and feverishly masturbating is not an effective prevention of mortality.
- Exercise is a great way to fill your time in the hospice.
- There are many ways to succumb to mortality. Some of the more popular include: erotic de-capitation, space shuttle explosions, hemlock, assassination, taking one for the team, being set upon by lions at the emperor’s order, consuming spoiled yogurt, Christian rock mosh mishaps, His wrath, and alone.
Pink Eye vs. Risk-Taking Behaviors
A recent Ampersand Medical Journal study, the first of its kind, has found that collegial closeness and expressions of affection can lead to deadly conjunctivitis, or Pink Eye. We surveyed 40 college students on various campuses, to determine the relation-ship between Pink Eye and intimate activity. Look what they said:
3/1/11
Hundreds More Would-Be Bed Intruders Visit Enobong’s Room
Enobong Etteh ’13, victim of last week’s WestCo invasion, is now suffering the consequences of his own generosity.Upon arriving at Etteh’s room for an interview, I was surprised to find a line of students stretching the length of the Up 4 hallway, then down the stairs and into the WestCo lounge, where the meandering line made a nice swirl pattern, then back up the stairs into Up 3. The students loitered casually, eagerly anticipating free furniture and clothing.
“You never know what you’re going to get,” said Eli Meixler ’13, now a regular customer. “Yesterday he gave me a tye-dye onesie.”
“I heard he has a blender,” speculated Ethan Hoffman ’12, who hopes that he will be able to make smoothies while doing yoga in the Community Service House living room.
After fighting my way through the 50-person bottleneck at Etteh’s door, I found him frantically handing his possessions to eager gift-seekers, barely able to satisfy the wild demand. “I don’t have much left,” he moaned, standing among his barren walls as a group of freshmen gutted the room of copper wiring. The only items left in the two remaining drawers of his desk were a bar of soap and some scattered notes for “20th-Century Franco-Caribbean Literature and the Search for Identity.”
“But I want to do whatever I can to help out,” he said, his genitals concealed only by a tactfully placed WesFest string bag. “These people need my belongings more than I do.”
Inside This Ampersand
—Housing Policy Not Vague At All, Says Administrator With Mouth Full of Human Shit
—University Declares Itself "Private Society," Expels Student Body
—Area Freshman Pregames Pregame For Hell Of It
—Fauver Listserv Compiled Into Coffee Table Book
—Distressed Micah Feiring Spends Entire WSA Meeting On Phone With Grandmother
—Eclectic Member Watches Oscars Ironically
—Report: 83% of ACB Posts Written By Same Schizophrenic Sophomore
—Entire Theater Department Revealed To Be Sociology Experiment
—In Show Of Solidarity, WSA To Hold Next Meeting at “Beta Toga Drunkfest 2011”
—University Declares Itself "Private Society," Expels Student Body
—Area Freshman Pregames Pregame For Hell Of It
—Fauver Listserv Compiled Into Coffee Table Book
—Distressed Micah Feiring Spends Entire WSA Meeting On Phone With Grandmother
—Eclectic Member Watches Oscars Ironically
—Report: 83% of ACB Posts Written By Same Schizophrenic Sophomore
—Entire Theater Department Revealed To Be Sociology Experiment
—In Show Of Solidarity, WSA To Hold Next Meeting at “Beta Toga Drunkfest 2011”
Breast Milk Co-op Runs Dry
In an effort to reduce costs and limit carbon emissions, Bon Appetit has decided to team up with student group Wesuckle to bring a titillating new option to the Usdan dispensaries: organic free range human breast milk.
Wesuckle, run by Tracy McTits ‘13, offers breast milk to students who opt in as an environmentally-friendly alternative to cow milk. In a passionate proposal to Bon Apetit executives, McTits expressed concern over the origins of Wesleyan’s dairy products.
“Cows burp. Cows fart,” McTits wrote. “One cow may release up to 500 liters of methane per day, but I don’t release any because I’m a girl and girls don’t fart.”
Even at Wesleyan, McTits’s progressive sustainability movement has garnered little support among students.
“We want to know where our milk comes from,” complained Larry Taplin ‘12. “But, like, not who it comes from, you know?”
Others are especially distressed by the co-op’s attempt to provide its customers with URLs of corresponding WesBreasts submissions. “I like looking at boobs—not drinking from them!” added another student who preferred to remain anonymous.
McTits stands by her logic. Dairy cows require land, corn feed, and large government subsidies. McTits’s only requests include a designated “Pumping Area” armchair in the Daniel Family commons and a discount at New World Laser Tag on Main St.
Wesuckle, run by Tracy McTits ‘13, offers breast milk to students who opt in as an environmentally-friendly alternative to cow milk. In a passionate proposal to Bon Apetit executives, McTits expressed concern over the origins of Wesleyan’s dairy products.
“Cows burp. Cows fart,” McTits wrote. “One cow may release up to 500 liters of methane per day, but I don’t release any because I’m a girl and girls don’t fart.”
Even at Wesleyan, McTits’s progressive sustainability movement has garnered little support among students.
“We want to know where our milk comes from,” complained Larry Taplin ‘12. “But, like, not who it comes from, you know?”
Others are especially distressed by the co-op’s attempt to provide its customers with URLs of corresponding WesBreasts submissions. “I like looking at boobs—not drinking from them!” added another student who preferred to remain anonymous.
McTits stands by her logic. Dairy cows require land, corn feed, and large government subsidies. McTits’s only requests include a designated “Pumping Area” armchair in the Daniel Family commons and a discount at New World Laser Tag on Main St.
Password Update Email vs. Phish
University Technology Director Waren Karren was born in the back seat of a Greyhound Bus as it crossed the Mason-Dixon line. Her mother was on her way to a Grateful Dead show.
Karren spent her young life following the Dead. Since Jerry Garcia’s death in 1995, she has divided her time between two bands: Phish and Password Update Email.
Often described as “heirs to the throne of the Dead,” Phish got together in 1983 at the University of Vermont. They spent the subsequent three decades building a devoted following based on a cultish, free-spirited community ethic, psychedelic culture, and a playful, improvisatory, and multi-sensory concert experience. The band’s fans, called “phisheads,” have been known to follow the band for years rather than lead productive lives. Phish is one of the top-grossing touring acts in the world.
Music critics agree that Password Update Email defies description.
“We’ll do a J-pop cover of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit,’” said lead singer Moni Jitchell. “But that’s just to get people ready for our grunge cover of Dvořák’s New World Symphony.”
Phish is currently rehearsing for its marathon summer tour. Password Update Email is preparing for a year-long electroclash/post-Linus “outdoor experiment.”
Karren spends most of her time trying to decide which band is better. On February 21, she became so desperate that she sent out a campus-wide email with her dilemma in the subject line: “password update email vs. phish.”
The rest is history.
Karren spent her young life following the Dead. Since Jerry Garcia’s death in 1995, she has divided her time between two bands: Phish and Password Update Email.
Often described as “heirs to the throne of the Dead,” Phish got together in 1983 at the University of Vermont. They spent the subsequent three decades building a devoted following based on a cultish, free-spirited community ethic, psychedelic culture, and a playful, improvisatory, and multi-sensory concert experience. The band’s fans, called “phisheads,” have been known to follow the band for years rather than lead productive lives. Phish is one of the top-grossing touring acts in the world.
Music critics agree that Password Update Email defies description.
“We’ll do a J-pop cover of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit,’” said lead singer Moni Jitchell. “But that’s just to get people ready for our grunge cover of Dvořák’s New World Symphony.”
Phish is currently rehearsing for its marathon summer tour. Password Update Email is preparing for a year-long electroclash/post-Linus “outdoor experiment.”
Karren spends most of her time trying to decide which band is better. On February 21, she became so desperate that she sent out a campus-wide email with her dilemma in the subject line: “password update email vs. phish.”
The rest is history.
2/22/11
Editors' Note
The Ampersand Evangelical Science Monitor is the official organ of the Young Earth Creation Science Institute of the Wesleyan World Hope Unity Church, an evangelical Body in Christ.
In light of recent events, the editors of the Ampersand Evangelical Science Monitor invite you to embrace the light of God into your hearts and souls, and to live with Him in your beings, in Earth and in Heaven, now and always. As the brothers of Beta test our faith and the Lord Jesus reveals Hirself in Hir glory in the sky above, we must strive on, in this mortal life, to pray and thrive in the grace and the glory of the Holy Spirit. If anything feels “not right,” trust yourself. We do this for your wellbeing. We ain’t claiming no animal as our relative.
—Benjamin & Zach
In light of recent events, the editors of the Ampersand Evangelical Science Monitor invite you to embrace the light of God into your hearts and souls, and to live with Him in your beings, in Earth and in Heaven, now and always. As the brothers of Beta test our faith and the Lord Jesus reveals Hirself in Hir glory in the sky above, we must strive on, in this mortal life, to pray and thrive in the grace and the glory of the Holy Spirit. If anything feels “not right,” trust yourself. We do this for your wellbeing. We ain’t claiming no animal as our relative.
—Benjamin & Zach
Tweet from Piers
The opposite of being frustrated about the dificulty of communicating in a foreign language is pretending you don’t understand dubious requests to borrow your cell phone.
—Saint Gelly
—Saint Gelly
Parish Views: Betagate
Dear Editors:
In banishing Beta Theta Pi from campus, God-hating President Michael Roth presumes to have rid the University of its last bastion of true Christian righteousness: its evangelical fraternity. He and his Satan-loving running-dogs in the Wesleyan administration seek to soil Wesleyan with the Godless stains of atheism, Darwinism, and sodomism. But Roth will soon reap the Fruits of his Unbelief in the fires of Hell.
The brothers of Beta pray devoutly, and they routinely pregame Sunday worship with independent bible study sessions. On a typical weekend night, most students do naked spliffs and blast popular heathen songs such as “My Humps” and “Stairway to Heaven,” but Beta’s walls invariably reverberate with the deep bass tones of Gregorian chanting. Moreover, all Beta brothers prominently wear chastity rings to display their commitment to the ascetic lifestyle demanded in the Rule of Saint Betalberg (the charter created by the order’s founder after his mystical experience on the slopes of Foss Hill in 1328).
Before the Holy Fraternity was banished from campus, the brothers were in the process of starting a communion wine co-op. This idea has since been twisted by Wesleyan’s pagan dairy worshippers into a Godless cheese co-op (for every God-fearing Christian knows that to drink the milk or partake of the cheeses of a beast of the earth is a sin).
“O the wickedness of those who blaspheme God by denying His eternal Power and Godhead!” exclaimed Beta President Brad Conley ’11 upon hearing the news of Beta’s banishment from campus. He proceeded to prostrate himself before the Natty Ice-stained cross that hangs in the center of Beta’s common area and lagellate himself with a flaming cat-’o-nine-tails.
Yours in Christ,
Pastor Phred Felps
An Open Letter from Dean Whike Maley to the Wesleyan Community:
I write to you on behalf of Our Lord and Master Michael Roth, him-self away on a goodwill pilgrimage tracing the Children’s Crusade in Italy. As students around the country received ED-II decisions with devotional praise or renewed feelings of inadequacy, you may have noticed that the number of applications to Wesleyan University decreased. By almost 5%. The Class of ’15’s loss of interest is mystifying, considering the revival of Biblical legal ethics across Our Great Country and the fact that our peer institutions, Williams College, Vassar Correctional Institute, and St. Bartholomew’s Mission for Wayward and Godless Girls, saw no such depreciation.
To what can we attribute this cutback in application numbers? Is it a symptom of the loss of Methodist values in a degenerate youth culture distracted from God by Canadian pop stars and caffeinated malt liquors? No, my friends. It is none other than the pernicious influence of that depraved pagan brotherhood of High Street, Beta Theta Pi.
The fraternity of Brigands, Thugs, and Pillagers established itself in 1890 at its current location, 184 High Street. Since then, it has extended its depraved sphere of inluence into the workweek with institutions such as Wednesday Night Ruit, Thursday Night Flunitrazepam Bar, and Friday Night Bon Jovi Singalongs. Even Neon Deli, once a late-night haven of philly cheese steaks and marked-up cigarettes, has been reduced to a squalid den of pagan ritual and clumsy racism.
We can only assume the worst has yet to come.
So with neighborly affection I invite you, on behalf of Minister of Propa-ganda Reich Culliton and myself, Dean Whike Mailey, to a lemonade round-table for the inception of the Wesleyan Sacred Alliance for the Suppression of the Judaic Bloc (WSA-SJB). Join hands as we develop sinister initiatives and make colorful posters to drive this amoral Bolshevik menace from our midst (Bring Your Own Glitter Glue)! Take a stand to preserve the moral sensibilities of our shining institution and the virtue of our womenfolk! Also, there will be a Bake Sale, so be sure to bring your money and friends to support your modest fellow Crusaders!
RSVP with email to Wesleyan Association for the Reverence Of Necromancy Brotherhood of the End of Times, Arboretum division (WAR ON BETA) office assistant Rob Wohl at wholewhol@wesleyan.edu, or by carrier pigeon to Snagov Monastery, CC: Vlad Dracul the Undead, 2241 Armory Drive, Bucharest.
Yours truly,
Dean Whike Maley
In banishing Beta Theta Pi from campus, God-hating President Michael Roth presumes to have rid the University of its last bastion of true Christian righteousness: its evangelical fraternity. He and his Satan-loving running-dogs in the Wesleyan administration seek to soil Wesleyan with the Godless stains of atheism, Darwinism, and sodomism. But Roth will soon reap the Fruits of his Unbelief in the fires of Hell.
The brothers of Beta pray devoutly, and they routinely pregame Sunday worship with independent bible study sessions. On a typical weekend night, most students do naked spliffs and blast popular heathen songs such as “My Humps” and “Stairway to Heaven,” but Beta’s walls invariably reverberate with the deep bass tones of Gregorian chanting. Moreover, all Beta brothers prominently wear chastity rings to display their commitment to the ascetic lifestyle demanded in the Rule of Saint Betalberg (the charter created by the order’s founder after his mystical experience on the slopes of Foss Hill in 1328).
Before the Holy Fraternity was banished from campus, the brothers were in the process of starting a communion wine co-op. This idea has since been twisted by Wesleyan’s pagan dairy worshippers into a Godless cheese co-op (for every God-fearing Christian knows that to drink the milk or partake of the cheeses of a beast of the earth is a sin).
“O the wickedness of those who blaspheme God by denying His eternal Power and Godhead!” exclaimed Beta President Brad Conley ’11 upon hearing the news of Beta’s banishment from campus. He proceeded to prostrate himself before the Natty Ice-stained cross that hangs in the center of Beta’s common area and lagellate himself with a flaming cat-’o-nine-tails.
Yours in Christ,
Pastor Phred Felps
An Open Letter from Dean Whike Maley to the Wesleyan Community:
I write to you on behalf of Our Lord and Master Michael Roth, him-self away on a goodwill pilgrimage tracing the Children’s Crusade in Italy. As students around the country received ED-II decisions with devotional praise or renewed feelings of inadequacy, you may have noticed that the number of applications to Wesleyan University decreased. By almost 5%. The Class of ’15’s loss of interest is mystifying, considering the revival of Biblical legal ethics across Our Great Country and the fact that our peer institutions, Williams College, Vassar Correctional Institute, and St. Bartholomew’s Mission for Wayward and Godless Girls, saw no such depreciation.
To what can we attribute this cutback in application numbers? Is it a symptom of the loss of Methodist values in a degenerate youth culture distracted from God by Canadian pop stars and caffeinated malt liquors? No, my friends. It is none other than the pernicious influence of that depraved pagan brotherhood of High Street, Beta Theta Pi.
The fraternity of Brigands, Thugs, and Pillagers established itself in 1890 at its current location, 184 High Street. Since then, it has extended its depraved sphere of inluence into the workweek with institutions such as Wednesday Night Ruit, Thursday Night Flunitrazepam Bar, and Friday Night Bon Jovi Singalongs. Even Neon Deli, once a late-night haven of philly cheese steaks and marked-up cigarettes, has been reduced to a squalid den of pagan ritual and clumsy racism.
We can only assume the worst has yet to come.
So with neighborly affection I invite you, on behalf of Minister of Propa-ganda Reich Culliton and myself, Dean Whike Mailey, to a lemonade round-table for the inception of the Wesleyan Sacred Alliance for the Suppression of the Judaic Bloc (WSA-SJB). Join hands as we develop sinister initiatives and make colorful posters to drive this amoral Bolshevik menace from our midst (Bring Your Own Glitter Glue)! Take a stand to preserve the moral sensibilities of our shining institution and the virtue of our womenfolk! Also, there will be a Bake Sale, so be sure to bring your money and friends to support your modest fellow Crusaders!
RSVP with email to Wesleyan Association for the Reverence Of Necromancy Brotherhood of the End of Times, Arboretum division (WAR ON BETA) office assistant Rob Wohl at wholewhol@wesleyan.edu, or by carrier pigeon to Snagov Monastery, CC: Vlad Dracul the Undead, 2241 Armory Drive, Bucharest.
Yours truly,
Dean Whike Maley
Freshman Astronomer Makes God-Affirming Discovery
Yesterday evening, during a stargazing 
session for Professor Seth Redfield’s introductory astronomy course, Eliot Lambkin ’14 turned Van Vleck Observatory’s historic 20-inch telescope toward a cosmological coordinate that astronomers had previously neglected to observe. He discovered something extraordinary.
Although scientists, theologians, analysts, politicians, and people of every race, gender, and creed are still grappling with Lambkin’s discovery, one fact remains certain: Jesus Christ, both fully Human and fully Divine, is the Lord of Man and the Son of God.
Christian scientists have long defended the validity of Christ, but Lambkin’s discoveries confirm that Christ (as an element of the Trinity, or Godhead) is the creator of the Universe and the conduit for God’s vision of enteral salvation for man.
“At first I thought it was just a fucked up galaxy,” said Lambkin, describing his initial observation. “But then I realized it was definitely a dude in outer space.”
After identifying the individual as Jesus, Lambkin alerted his TA, who got in touch with authorities at NASA and the International Astronomical Union. Hours later, both organizations issued press releases confirming that the cosmic figure—discovered Ď€ arcminutes north of the Little Dipper—was indeed Christ.
“I used to be a Jew,” said Lambkin, who was canonized as a saint after yesterday’s discovery. “But I know Jesus when I see him.”
The Jews, long possessed of the opinion that they were God’s chosen people, were among the first to concede the legitimacy of the Christian faith. The Anti-Defamation League issued a statement announcing the disbanding of Judaism and acknowledging that Christians who prosecuted Jews throughout history were “probably right all along.”
The governing bodies of all other major world religions quickly followed suit, encouraging their followers to undertake a swift and painless conversion to Christianity. Since Lambkin’s observation, all wars have ceased and no murders or other crimes have been committed. A period of global understanding and harmony has commenced.
The Vatican, meanwhile, announced a partnership with NASA in sending a shuttle filled with specially trained priests to intercept Jesus, to greet Him, and to offer to facilitate the second coming by retrieving Him and towing Him into Earth’s orbit. Critics of the plan liken it to the Tower of Babel, which brought about the divergence of languages and various other hardships for humanity.
“I’ve been struggling with ‘big questions’ my whole life,” said Lambkin. “That’s part of why I chose to take ‘Astronomy 102’. Like, if God is real, why do we have evil?”
Now all those questions are answered.
session for Professor Seth Redfield’s introductory astronomy course, Eliot Lambkin ’14 turned Van Vleck Observatory’s historic 20-inch telescope toward a cosmological coordinate that astronomers had previously neglected to observe. He discovered something extraordinary.Although scientists, theologians, analysts, politicians, and people of every race, gender, and creed are still grappling with Lambkin’s discovery, one fact remains certain: Jesus Christ, both fully Human and fully Divine, is the Lord of Man and the Son of God.
Christian scientists have long defended the validity of Christ, but Lambkin’s discoveries confirm that Christ (as an element of the Trinity, or Godhead) is the creator of the Universe and the conduit for God’s vision of enteral salvation for man.
“At first I thought it was just a fucked up galaxy,” said Lambkin, describing his initial observation. “But then I realized it was definitely a dude in outer space.”
After identifying the individual as Jesus, Lambkin alerted his TA, who got in touch with authorities at NASA and the International Astronomical Union. Hours later, both organizations issued press releases confirming that the cosmic figure—discovered Ď€ arcminutes north of the Little Dipper—was indeed Christ.
“I used to be a Jew,” said Lambkin, who was canonized as a saint after yesterday’s discovery. “But I know Jesus when I see him.”
The Jews, long possessed of the opinion that they were God’s chosen people, were among the first to concede the legitimacy of the Christian faith. The Anti-Defamation League issued a statement announcing the disbanding of Judaism and acknowledging that Christians who prosecuted Jews throughout history were “probably right all along.”
The governing bodies of all other major world religions quickly followed suit, encouraging their followers to undertake a swift and painless conversion to Christianity. Since Lambkin’s observation, all wars have ceased and no murders or other crimes have been committed. A period of global understanding and harmony has commenced.
The Vatican, meanwhile, announced a partnership with NASA in sending a shuttle filled with specially trained priests to intercept Jesus, to greet Him, and to offer to facilitate the second coming by retrieving Him and towing Him into Earth’s orbit. Critics of the plan liken it to the Tower of Babel, which brought about the divergence of languages and various other hardships for humanity.
“I’ve been struggling with ‘big questions’ my whole life,” said Lambkin. “That’s part of why I chose to take ‘Astronomy 102’. Like, if God is real, why do we have evil?”
Now all those questions are answered.
2/15/11
Tweet from Piers
“Even when seen in a refurbished medieval church, Black Swan (with French subtitles) delivers only humorless, predictable melodrama and shallow titillation” —Piers
Unplugged Leads to Unplugging
Friday’s campus-wide Day of Unplugging event, dedicated to fostering an environment free from cell phones, social media, and other modern values, spurred many to participate. The initiative’s head coordinator, Jeff Lindy ’11, admitted that some aspects of Unplugged were easier to plan than others.
“Getting students to forego bathing was easy,” Lindy said, noting that many students already display little regard for personal hygiene. “But inflicting the student body with polio and smallpox was pretty tough. There’s a lot of government red tape involving that kind of stuff.”
Although over 800 students pledged not to watch YouTube videos, eat with utensils, masturbate, or adhere to a Copernican view of the universe, Unplugged’s coordinators claim that they could have rallied more participation had the word about the event been spread more efficiently.
“No one checked their email for the reminder, and it was too expensive to enlist the fleet of carrier pigeons we had hoped for,” Lindy lamented.
In the days prior to the event, the Unplugged coordinators’ email accounts were also flooded with nude photos.
“People were mixing us up with Unlocked,” said Lindy. “But it looked like a lot of the aspiring models had already pledged to give up showering, and that was pretty exciting in itself.”
Unplugged saved over 5,000 watts of electricity, averted nearly 900 text messages, interfered with two JDate meetups, prevented at least one incidence of penis chafing, and facilitated several face-to-face conversations.
The group’s next move?
“We’ve been meeting with President Roth, discussing the current internet speed,” said Lindy. “We’re trying to keep it so slow that people will give up on using their computers. So far it’s been working.”
“Getting students to forego bathing was easy,” Lindy said, noting that many students already display little regard for personal hygiene. “But inflicting the student body with polio and smallpox was pretty tough. There’s a lot of government red tape involving that kind of stuff.”
Although over 800 students pledged not to watch YouTube videos, eat with utensils, masturbate, or adhere to a Copernican view of the universe, Unplugged’s coordinators claim that they could have rallied more participation had the word about the event been spread more efficiently.
“No one checked their email for the reminder, and it was too expensive to enlist the fleet of carrier pigeons we had hoped for,” Lindy lamented.
In the days prior to the event, the Unplugged coordinators’ email accounts were also flooded with nude photos.
“People were mixing us up with Unlocked,” said Lindy. “But it looked like a lot of the aspiring models had already pledged to give up showering, and that was pretty exciting in itself.”
Unplugged saved over 5,000 watts of electricity, averted nearly 900 text messages, interfered with two JDate meetups, prevented at least one incidence of penis chafing, and facilitated several face-to-face conversations.
The group’s next move?
“We’ve been meeting with President Roth, discussing the current internet speed,” said Lindy. “We’re trying to keep it so slow that people will give up on using their computers. So far it’s been working.”
DTF-BDSM-GTFO Tables in Usdan
A new student group, the Digital Technology Front Bad Dialup Speeds Must Go Task Force Organization, is tabling in support of an unlikely cause: ethernet awareness. DTF-BDSM-GTFO is targeting Wesleyan’s small but prominent minority of students who do not know what ethernet cables are or understand how they work.
“Are you aware that you can plug a fucking wire into your computer and double your connection speed?” reads a glossy pamphlet distributed by the group. “Seriously. Buy one for four dollars online.”
The campaign comes on the heels of a recent Pew Research Center study on internet competency, which revealed that the number of Americans able to identify the ethernet port on their computers is smaller than the number who use ether recreationally.
According to another pamphlet, DTF-BDSM-GTFO’s other project is a fundraiser to send ethernet cables to Egypt “in order to assist our Coptic brothers in Tahrir Square in building their new regime and accessing Biblical scholarship and pornography.”
But the group does not want the Internet revolution to go overboard.
“We want the Egyptians to have Internet, but not at the expense of the cultural and social norms of the Suez region,” said Pastor/Rabbi Tavid Birkenstock, a sabbath-observing DTF-BDSM-GTFO coordinator. “We’ll make sure to let them know about Day of Unplugging, which will protect their way of life from Western colonial e-hegemony.”
DTF-BDSM-GTFO’s campaigns, on campus and abroad, are informed by a view of the Internet as an end-time vehicle for the period of simultaneous transglobal strife and unity prescribed by the Book of Revelations as the necessary precondition for the arrival of the antichrist and the subsequent Second Coming on Judgment Day, when the gates of Heaven and Hell will stand open to the host of the saved and the horde of the condemned, respectively.
“Also,” said Birkenstock, “note that our witty and eye-catching acronym can be read as a short narrative about a frustrated fetishist attempting to solicit cyber-sex at an e-brothel.”
“Are you aware that you can plug a fucking wire into your computer and double your connection speed?” reads a glossy pamphlet distributed by the group. “Seriously. Buy one for four dollars online.”
The campaign comes on the heels of a recent Pew Research Center study on internet competency, which revealed that the number of Americans able to identify the ethernet port on their computers is smaller than the number who use ether recreationally.
According to another pamphlet, DTF-BDSM-GTFO’s other project is a fundraiser to send ethernet cables to Egypt “in order to assist our Coptic brothers in Tahrir Square in building their new regime and accessing Biblical scholarship and pornography.”
But the group does not want the Internet revolution to go overboard.
“We want the Egyptians to have Internet, but not at the expense of the cultural and social norms of the Suez region,” said Pastor/Rabbi Tavid Birkenstock, a sabbath-observing DTF-BDSM-GTFO coordinator. “We’ll make sure to let them know about Day of Unplugging, which will protect their way of life from Western colonial e-hegemony.”
DTF-BDSM-GTFO’s campaigns, on campus and abroad, are informed by a view of the Internet as an end-time vehicle for the period of simultaneous transglobal strife and unity prescribed by the Book of Revelations as the necessary precondition for the arrival of the antichrist and the subsequent Second Coming on Judgment Day, when the gates of Heaven and Hell will stand open to the host of the saved and the horde of the condemned, respectively.
“Also,” said Birkenstock, “note that our witty and eye-catching acronym can be read as a short narrative about a frustrated fetishist attempting to solicit cyber-sex at an e-brothel.”
Student Rages Hard in Egypt
Joshua Silver ’12 stumbled across a “really happening scene” recently while studying abroad in Egypt.
After going out clubbing on the night of February 24 and ingesting a “shit-ton” of hallucinogens, Josh passed out in Tahrir Square. A lively crowd awakened him the next morning.
“They were all yelling and chanting, and I was like, yes! This is what I came for—crazy Arabic ragers!” said Silver, a Government major. “So I joined in. It was really loud. They were staying stuff in Egyptian, but I don’t speak that, so I kept pumping my fist and jumping.”
Silver reported that the mob rivaled any mosh pit that he’s seen at Eclectic, even the one when Titus Andronicus came.
“Maybe they were upset about the DJ?” Silver guessed. “This NubaRock guy? I couldn’t hear the music that well.”
Josh had “handfuls” of drugs on his person, and he
continued to ingest mind-altering substances throughout the next two weeks. He did not remain in the square the whole time, instead choosing to “find the party” at whatever new sites seemed most “alive.” Silver remembers punching “some old white guy” in the face. He said the man was holding a microphone and seemed to represent the Establishment, an institution that Silver despises.
“There was some crazy shit going down,” said Silver. “Cars and water and police. Like Egyptian Woodstock.”
The university student did his best to fit in by copying the gestures of young people around him and shouting requests for his most beloved dubstep tracks, such as “Around The World” and “Sandstorm.” His drug- and bass drop-induced haze did not abate until Sunday afternoon.
“Sure, I probably missed some classes, but this is what study abroad is all about,” said Silver. “Getting to know the people and places of Cairo. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
After going out clubbing on the night of February 24 and ingesting a “shit-ton” of hallucinogens, Josh passed out in Tahrir Square. A lively crowd awakened him the next morning.
“They were all yelling and chanting, and I was like, yes! This is what I came for—crazy Arabic ragers!” said Silver, a Government major. “So I joined in. It was really loud. They were staying stuff in Egyptian, but I don’t speak that, so I kept pumping my fist and jumping.”
Silver reported that the mob rivaled any mosh pit that he’s seen at Eclectic, even the one when Titus Andronicus came.
“Maybe they were upset about the DJ?” Silver guessed. “This NubaRock guy? I couldn’t hear the music that well.”
Josh had “handfuls” of drugs on his person, and he
continued to ingest mind-altering substances throughout the next two weeks. He did not remain in the square the whole time, instead choosing to “find the party” at whatever new sites seemed most “alive.” Silver remembers punching “some old white guy” in the face. He said the man was holding a microphone and seemed to represent the Establishment, an institution that Silver despises.“There was some crazy shit going down,” said Silver. “Cars and water and police. Like Egyptian Woodstock.”
The university student did his best to fit in by copying the gestures of young people around him and shouting requests for his most beloved dubstep tracks, such as “Around The World” and “Sandstorm.” His drug- and bass drop-induced haze did not abate until Sunday afternoon.
“Sure, I probably missed some classes, but this is what study abroad is all about,” said Silver. “Getting to know the people and places of Cairo. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
Romance at BuHo
Valentine’s Day typically brings to campus a proliferation of themed dinners at program houses, from Full House’s restaurant-style offering to the Eclectic Pill Buffet and Götterdämmerung, German Haus’s annual “orgy of destruction.” But this year, a new entry from Buddhist House received a large share of student interest.
“People don’t tend to think of Buddhism as a particularly roman-tic faith,” said BuHo resident Ethan Tittler-Schortz ’12. “While it’s true that Buddhism can’t compete with Hinduism’s Kama Sutra and lacks the behind-closed-doors kinkiness of something like, you know, Catholicism or the polygamous frat boy wish fulfillment of Mormon-ism, there’s still plenty going on under the saffron robes.”
According to participant Anne-Marie Jornsson ’13, the couples were first led into the meditation room for forty-five minutes of yogic breathing exercises in order to make them more peaceful and serene for the ensuing date. After centering themselves, the couples moved into the dining room where they took their seats on heart-shaped floor mats at low-standing tables for two. BuHo residents then treated the guests to green tea and white rice with tofu in asceticism sauce.
After dinner, the couples engaged in visualization exercises led by BuHo’s own Erica Marv-Tenny ’11 designed to entice the couples to abandon worldly attachment. Participants were instructed to close their eyes and breathe deeply. Once the couples had established a healthy breath rhythm was established, Marv-Tenny told them to imagine a baby white rabbit in a forest, a green field, and a lotus leaf. Participants were then told to imagine that their significant lover had been killed in a train accident, botched home invasion, or ill-fated appendectomy. After these images had been sufficiently internalized, Marv-Tenny directed the couples’ attention back to the previous images, asking, “Isn’t the bunny just as lovely as it was before? Is the lotus any less perfect?”
The lucky couples then boarded the BuHo love-bus, where they departed from campus to be dispersed, one by one, into the surrounding woodlands. The couples, now separated into their component parts, finally had some time to reflect on the ultimate meaninglessness of being.
“The forest of solitude taught me bunches about the perpetual cycles suffering engendered by my fruitless cravings,” said Andy O’Goldfreud ’14, “As soon as I get the squirrel bites checked out, I’m going begin my journey on the beautiful path of mindfulness.”
Still, some others were less enthusiastic. “I suppose the Buddhist thing was OK,” said Lucy Trupmun ’11, “but next year my boyfriend and I are going back to the basics: Pizza Hut, grindcore, and enthusiastic humping.”
“People don’t tend to think of Buddhism as a particularly roman-tic faith,” said BuHo resident Ethan Tittler-Schortz ’12. “While it’s true that Buddhism can’t compete with Hinduism’s Kama Sutra and lacks the behind-closed-doors kinkiness of something like, you know, Catholicism or the polygamous frat boy wish fulfillment of Mormon-ism, there’s still plenty going on under the saffron robes.”
According to participant Anne-Marie Jornsson ’13, the couples were first led into the meditation room for forty-five minutes of yogic breathing exercises in order to make them more peaceful and serene for the ensuing date. After centering themselves, the couples moved into the dining room where they took their seats on heart-shaped floor mats at low-standing tables for two. BuHo residents then treated the guests to green tea and white rice with tofu in asceticism sauce.
After dinner, the couples engaged in visualization exercises led by BuHo’s own Erica Marv-Tenny ’11 designed to entice the couples to abandon worldly attachment. Participants were instructed to close their eyes and breathe deeply. Once the couples had established a healthy breath rhythm was established, Marv-Tenny told them to imagine a baby white rabbit in a forest, a green field, and a lotus leaf. Participants were then told to imagine that their significant lover had been killed in a train accident, botched home invasion, or ill-fated appendectomy. After these images had been sufficiently internalized, Marv-Tenny directed the couples’ attention back to the previous images, asking, “Isn’t the bunny just as lovely as it was before? Is the lotus any less perfect?”
The lucky couples then boarded the BuHo love-bus, where they departed from campus to be dispersed, one by one, into the surrounding woodlands. The couples, now separated into their component parts, finally had some time to reflect on the ultimate meaninglessness of being.
“The forest of solitude taught me bunches about the perpetual cycles suffering engendered by my fruitless cravings,” said Andy O’Goldfreud ’14, “As soon as I get the squirrel bites checked out, I’m going begin my journey on the beautiful path of mindfulness.”
Still, some others were less enthusiastic. “I suppose the Buddhist thing was OK,” said Lucy Trupmun ’11, “but next year my boyfriend and I are going back to the basics: Pizza Hut, grindcore, and enthusiastic humping.”
2/8/11
Relationship Polling (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)
Groan Chomsky is one of the great trivialinguists of our time. Among his most influential contributions ot the field are the Theory of Chillwave (Chomsky, 2009) and a statistical analysis of the PokéRap (Chomsky, 2001). Recently, however, he has turned his attention away from the Collegiate Cultural Cannon and toward the rhythms of everyday life. He studied the adjectives used by a cohort of female college sophomores when describing their significant others. He then interviewed them three months later. This is what he found:
Personals (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)
M seeking F. Must have seen climactic scene of Tom Cruise/Jack Nicholson classic “A Few Good Men” and have memorized or be willing to memorize entirety of final courtroom exchange. Must have no allergies to whipped cream, flamingo plumage, and an affinity for hair shirts. Should be able to place foot behind neck. Must provide own hair shirt.
Higher intelligence energy construct looking for carbon-based organism that wants a relationship, not just a hookup. Particularly interested in someone who doesn’t mind my constant examination of the neurons in their brain firing. Must enjoy observing the heat-death of the universe over a nice chardonnay, existing across spacetime, and anal.
Higher intelligence energy construct looking for carbon-based organism that wants a relationship, not just a hookup. Particularly interested in someone who doesn’t mind my constant examination of the neurons in their brain firing. Must enjoy observing the heat-death of the universe over a nice chardonnay, existing across spacetime, and anal.
2/1/11
Editors' Note
A note from the editors:
Welcome to the AmperParents issue. We know a lot about parenting, because we totally cooed at My Brightest Diamond’s baby, and because our mothers sent us links to opinion pieces about Amy Chua and her Tiger Cubs. Also, when we were in Aruba that one time—
Never mind. Enjoy the ice, but know your limits.
—Benjamin & Zach
Welcome to the AmperParents issue. We know a lot about parenting, because we totally cooed at My Brightest Diamond’s baby, and because our mothers sent us links to opinion pieces about Amy Chua and her Tiger Cubs. Also, when we were in Aruba that one time—
Never mind. Enjoy the ice, but know your limits.
—Benjamin & Zach
Baby Finds Home in WestCo, Smokes Ganja
Are college students prepared to raise a child? “Why not?” says a group of ambitious WestCo residents who recently adopted a baby from an unspecified country.“We don’t want to say where Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri Chin-Pa-tel-Kim II ’33 is really from,” explains Atticus Dashiell ’13, P ’33. “Cuz, like, he’s from everywhere—you know?”
The “child of the world” has quickly assimilated to life in WestCo.
“Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri already knows the difference between organic and processed food,” says Kelly Harper ’14, P ’33. “We tried feeding hir a Twinkee the other night, as an experiment, and ze wouldn’t touch it. We’re so proud of hir.”
Other members of the Wesleyan community consider the parent-ing methods of the WesParents rather unorthodox, but the WesParents contend that they have communally decided how best to raise their child.
“I saw Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri smoking a blunt on Foss the other day,” says one Fauver RA. “[Z]e hasn’t even had a birthday.”
Dashiell, on the other hand, contends that Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri is free to “follow hir heart.”
“Furthermore,” Dashiell adds, “ganja helps hir chill out and focus when it’s time for hir Baby Avey Tare.”
Baby Avey Tare is a program developed by WestCo students as an alternative to the popular Baby Mozart series. Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri awarded it a 5.7.
“We don’t want our child to become a mere vessel for vapid pop culture,” says Leonora Hudson ’14, P ’23. “Ze may be only 8 months old, but it’s never too early to learn one very important sentence.”
“Fuck the system,” says Karl-Jacques-Jose-Dmitri Chin-Patel-Kim II ’33.
Letter to the Editors
Dear Editors,
We are very excited to be sending our son, Bartholomew III, to Wesleyan! This is our preliminary shopping list. What else should he bring? Boy, does this bring me back...
—Bartholomew James II ’62, P’15
We are very excited to be sending our son, Bartholomew III, to Wesleyan! This is our preliminary shopping list. What else should he bring? Boy, does this bring me back...
- Smoking jacket
- Tie
- Tuxedo
- Pledge pin
- Invisible ink (crib notes? good for the ol' GPA!)
- Fake coin for cigarette machine
- Large paddle
- The Douglas Cannon
—Bartholomew James II ’62, P’15
Letter From Louis’s Mom
Dear Wesleyan Office of Admissions staff,
I’m writing this note just to let you all know that the information session I attended was neither informative nor sessionating. My son Louis and I learned not a thing about Wesleyan University. Your WestCo CafĂ© looks like it hasn’t served coffee in years. At least there is a space on campus where my son can contract hepatitis with his friends. I tried to ask an admissions officer about what kind of alternative dining options are available, because Louis has a hormone imbalance? And it’s difficult for him to process certain foodstuffs? Instead, the panel took another question from a concerned dad about what happens if his son, who wasn’t even paying attention, wants to have a roommate. I saw that kid staring at his iPhone the whole time, googling things like “vagina farts torrents download.” Great, Louis could be living with a vagina fetishist; I really wonder what kind of students you’re trying to attract here. An institution of higher education should be focused on actual problems, like why Ziploc bags come already closed. I think Louis put it best when, after I asked him what he thought about Wesleyan, he said to me in a text message during your tedious session, “this place [freaking] makes me want to leave already even after just arriving to it.” Rest assured that you did help us make our decision, re: Louis’s college search. I didn’t really want to send him to an all-girls’ school anyway.
—Louis’s Mom
I’m writing this note just to let you all know that the information session I attended was neither informative nor sessionating. My son Louis and I learned not a thing about Wesleyan University. Your WestCo CafĂ© looks like it hasn’t served coffee in years. At least there is a space on campus where my son can contract hepatitis with his friends. I tried to ask an admissions officer about what kind of alternative dining options are available, because Louis has a hormone imbalance? And it’s difficult for him to process certain foodstuffs? Instead, the panel took another question from a concerned dad about what happens if his son, who wasn’t even paying attention, wants to have a roommate. I saw that kid staring at his iPhone the whole time, googling things like “vagina farts torrents download.” Great, Louis could be living with a vagina fetishist; I really wonder what kind of students you’re trying to attract here. An institution of higher education should be focused on actual problems, like why Ziploc bags come already closed. I think Louis put it best when, after I asked him what he thought about Wesleyan, he said to me in a text message during your tedious session, “this place [freaking] makes me want to leave already even after just arriving to it.” Rest assured that you did help us make our decision, re: Louis’s college search. I didn’t really want to send him to an all-girls’ school anyway.
—Louis’s Mom
1/25/11
A Note from the Editors
This is the Children’s Issue, as you might have realized. Over Winter break, we ate so much play-dough that we regressed into childhood. Plato ate play-dough. The Children’s Issue is dedicated to former Argus Editor-in-Chief Katherine Yagle, who is in now helping orphans in India; her reign of terror has ended, and now we can do whatever we want (even more). Our long national nightmare is over.
—Benjamin & Zach
—Benjamin & Zach
Kids Gain Right to Vote (ONLINE X-KLUSIV)
A break in the Congressional session amid a debate over America's voting age may have created a rare window of opportunity for kids in their long struggle for self-determination: for the next month, kids (or "young people" as they prefer to be called) under the age of 18 will legally able to vote.
"This is perhaps the most exciting development in our history as a collective struggle for freedom," said Junior Jackson, chair of the Coalition for the Untied States (CUSS), which, according to its website, is "an advocacy group for young people who have not yet learned to tie their shoes." It has made strides in recent years to separate itself from the velcro strap lobby.
Already, a number of collectivized initiatives have been drawn up among kids, but with a system of organization based upon birthday presents given and classroom rebellions, child politics have always drawn criticism from adults, sometimes referred to in the community using the derogatory term "bores." They accuse child politics as being needlessly cruel and developmentally inappropriate, with the numerous opportunities for exposure to Congressional sex scandals – the lengthy discussion of the Sen. Larry Craig's "wide stance" in a bathroom stall in 2007, for example, prompted the now-famous outcry from Milbank Finster, "Well, what happens if you sit down on the potty and your tummy hurts real bad?"
Such issues are brought into ugly light every 8 or 10 years, when the class of Child representatives, at the age of 16, is completely turned over, almost invariably to younger siblings. "I'm glad I get to be next in line," said Bobby Young, 8, as he chased a small girl around the schoolyard and yanked on her pigtails forcefully. "I don't know what I'd do with my life otherwise." Young's siblings (there are four of them) are notorious for demanding juicebox favors in response to their votes, but they have also been involved in many charitable causes, in 2005 donating a month's worth of Lunchables to an entire school district.
In the words of the much-revered Tommy Pickles (C-AZ, now 20 years old and in hiding at a small Northeastern liberal arts college), "a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do." The formation of political parties is the next step in the journey of the young people. Many names that appeal to opposing tastes, such as the "Pokémon Party" and "Digimon Party" have been bandied about over the years, but today the "Disney Channel Party" and the "Nick Party" have a special, even permanent, appeal. "We're trying to think of what kids will want way in the future, like, when I'm in high school," said one young person at a CUSS rally.
"This is perhaps the most exciting development in our history as a collective struggle for freedom," said Junior Jackson, chair of the Coalition for the Untied States (CUSS), which, according to its website, is "an advocacy group for young people who have not yet learned to tie their shoes." It has made strides in recent years to separate itself from the velcro strap lobby.
Already, a number of collectivized initiatives have been drawn up among kids, but with a system of organization based upon birthday presents given and classroom rebellions, child politics have always drawn criticism from adults, sometimes referred to in the community using the derogatory term "bores." They accuse child politics as being needlessly cruel and developmentally inappropriate, with the numerous opportunities for exposure to Congressional sex scandals – the lengthy discussion of the Sen. Larry Craig's "wide stance" in a bathroom stall in 2007, for example, prompted the now-famous outcry from Milbank Finster, "Well, what happens if you sit down on the potty and your tummy hurts real bad?"
Such issues are brought into ugly light every 8 or 10 years, when the class of Child representatives, at the age of 16, is completely turned over, almost invariably to younger siblings. "I'm glad I get to be next in line," said Bobby Young, 8, as he chased a small girl around the schoolyard and yanked on her pigtails forcefully. "I don't know what I'd do with my life otherwise." Young's siblings (there are four of them) are notorious for demanding juicebox favors in response to their votes, but they have also been involved in many charitable causes, in 2005 donating a month's worth of Lunchables to an entire school district.
In the words of the much-revered Tommy Pickles (C-AZ, now 20 years old and in hiding at a small Northeastern liberal arts college), "a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do." The formation of political parties is the next step in the journey of the young people. Many names that appeal to opposing tastes, such as the "Pokémon Party" and "Digimon Party" have been bandied about over the years, but today the "Disney Channel Party" and the "Nick Party" have a special, even permanent, appeal. "We're trying to think of what kids will want way in the future, like, when I'm in high school," said one young person at a CUSS rally.
Kritic's Notebook: Toys
We here at the Ampersand are fully devoted to keeping our readers up to date with the newest, most popular toys on the market. Doing so is one of the most important parts of our charter, right after the bit about requiring a minimum amount of illicit substances at every meeting and the other bit about not allowing raccoons at meetings anymore (yes, those two are related, and no, we’d rather not discuss them). So I trekked down to my local toy store and evaluated the selection.
Batman Action Figure: I never saw the appeal of action figures. You lift the arm up, you put it down. You make him hold the little plastic gun, you take it out of his hand. I placed Batman in a sexually compromising position with multiple barbies and moved on. Score: 1.25/5
LEGO Pirate Ship Playset: I’m a huge fan of creative play. If I have kids, I’m not going to just go out and get them some pre-made plastic piece of malarkey—they’re gonna have to work for their toys, like I did at that carpet factory in Weehawken. But apparently the other parents in the store didn’t feel the same way,because I kept getting a bunch of weird looks because of the tribute to the filmography of Ingmar Bergman that I constructed with this playset. Score: 4/5
Spin and Say: This seemed like a fun and educational toy, but I couldn’t really tell, because at this point,the staff and some of the other parents were starting to get really pushy about me leaving the store. I tried to explain I was there for legit journalistic purposes and kept reaching into my trenchcoat to retrieve my laminated Ampersand reporter ID, but everytime I did they’d just start shrieking again. Score: Probably a 3
NERF Vulcan Machine Gun: Now this is what I’m talking about. Score: Kanye/5
Batman Action Figure: I never saw the appeal of action figures. You lift the arm up, you put it down. You make him hold the little plastic gun, you take it out of his hand. I placed Batman in a sexually compromising position with multiple barbies and moved on. Score: 1.25/5
LEGO Pirate Ship Playset: I’m a huge fan of creative play. If I have kids, I’m not going to just go out and get them some pre-made plastic piece of malarkey—they’re gonna have to work for their toys, like I did at that carpet factory in Weehawken. But apparently the other parents in the store didn’t feel the same way,because I kept getting a bunch of weird looks because of the tribute to the filmography of Ingmar Bergman that I constructed with this playset. Score: 4/5
Spin and Say: This seemed like a fun and educational toy, but I couldn’t really tell, because at this point,the staff and some of the other parents were starting to get really pushy about me leaving the store. I tried to explain I was there for legit journalistic purposes and kept reaching into my trenchcoat to retrieve my laminated Ampersand reporter ID, but everytime I did they’d just start shrieking again. Score: Probably a 3
NERF Vulcan Machine Gun: Now this is what I’m talking about. Score: Kanye/5
Kritic's Notebook: Juice
Though Mott’s is far too brawny and full-bodied for this reviewer’s delicate sensibilities, its bouquet is exquisitely varied, with undertones of chestnut, Peruvian apricots, rich soil, cane sugar, lanolin, musky caramel, sandalwood, and margarine— evocative of unrequited love. The palate entry is elegant, but mid-palate tapers into a jarring broadness of crunchy, autumnal qualities that squander the harmonious nostalgia of its first notes. This apple juice is overly emotional, but shows promise. Would be delightful served at a mid-November Bris with braised lamb-shank and sauteed mushrooms in a bechamel sauce du jour.
Gold$mith to Host Birthday$
Citing an alarming dip in funding for the Film Studies department, representatives of the Goldsmith Family Cinema have revealed plans to host children’s birthday parties regularly throughout the spring semester.
“MAKE YOUR SPECIAL PRINCE OR PRINCESS A STAR FOR THE DAY WITH GOLDSMITH!!!!” reads a banner on the department website. “WE HAVE THE RIGHT STUFF TO MAKE UR BIRTHDAY A HOLLYWOOD HIT!!!!11”
But department chair Beanine Jasinger insists the change will not affect the scheduled Film Series lineup.
“We’ll be going through with our Impressionistic 1920s German Horror series as planned, no doubt. And we already have a fifth grade party lined up for next month’s showing of Bergman’s Cries and Whispers,” assures the prominent ilm historian. “But you know, we’ll also have balloons and ice cream cake. Kids eat that shit up—literally.”
Amendments to the calendar will, however, be permitted for special cases, Jasinger adds.
“We’ll screen The Making of Transformers 3: Inside Shia LaBeouf’s Dressing Room if Michael Bay wants to have his daughter’s birthday party here. Then again, it was kinda cool that time Michael Bay gave us $4 million and we didn’t have to sing happy birthday or scrape up vomit. Do you think maybe he’d be willing to do that again?”
“MAKE YOUR SPECIAL PRINCE OR PRINCESS A STAR FOR THE DAY WITH GOLDSMITH!!!!” reads a banner on the department website. “WE HAVE THE RIGHT STUFF TO MAKE UR BIRTHDAY A HOLLYWOOD HIT!!!!11”
But department chair Beanine Jasinger insists the change will not affect the scheduled Film Series lineup.
“We’ll be going through with our Impressionistic 1920s German Horror series as planned, no doubt. And we already have a fifth grade party lined up for next month’s showing of Bergman’s Cries and Whispers,” assures the prominent ilm historian. “But you know, we’ll also have balloons and ice cream cake. Kids eat that shit up—literally.”
Amendments to the calendar will, however, be permitted for special cases, Jasinger adds.
“We’ll screen The Making of Transformers 3: Inside Shia LaBeouf’s Dressing Room if Michael Bay wants to have his daughter’s birthday party here. Then again, it was kinda cool that time Michael Bay gave us $4 million and we didn’t have to sing happy birthday or scrape up vomit. Do you think maybe he’d be willing to do that again?”
FGSS Savant Wows Profs
This semester, students may notice a new face on campus. At age 10, Klaus Abu-Lubshod ’14 may be a bit younger than the rest of the student body, but he’s no ordinary little boy.
When Klaus was born, doctors told his parents that he would probably never ever be able to speak, read, or interact with his peers. But despite profound retardation across nearly every area of intellectual, social and hygienic functioning, Klaus has proved to possess a remarkable capacity in one isolated field: gender studies.
“We first noticed Klaus’ special talent when we were reading him Mike Mulligan’s Steam Shovel and he launched into a brilliant critique of the book’s paternalistic representation of male phallocentric technocracy,” says his father, Dietrich Lubshod. “We thought it might have been a fluke, but after seeing The Land Before Time he insightfully identified the dinosaur necks as a prehistoric psychosexual representation of male phallocentric technocracy! That’s when his mother and I realized he was truly remarkable.”
Savant syndrome is a rare condition in which people with developmental disorders excel in one restricted area. Savants have been depicted in popular films such as The Rainman and Angels in the Outfield.
While Klaus cannot tie his shoes or handle solid foods, his post-Lacanian critiques of globalized hegemonic capito-sexual phenomena are regularly published in journals such as Post-Radical Womanism, Biosemiotic Ontological Critique Quarterly, and Sports Illustrated for Women.
“At the age of ten, Klaus is already deconstructing at the level of a post-graduate student,” says Wesleyan FGSS Professor Cherri Gough. “We have a veritable feminist, gender and sexuality studies Mozart on our hands. Gender studies hasn’t seen such a formidable but deeply defective mind since Judith Butler.”
Some, however, are not so impressed by Abu-Lubshod’s talents. “I tried to talk to him about race,” says Professor of African-American Studies Kwame X. Rosenbaum, “but he just drooled on my shoes.”
When Klaus was born, doctors told his parents that he would probably never ever be able to speak, read, or interact with his peers. But despite profound retardation across nearly every area of intellectual, social and hygienic functioning, Klaus has proved to possess a remarkable capacity in one isolated field: gender studies.
“We first noticed Klaus’ special talent when we were reading him Mike Mulligan’s Steam Shovel and he launched into a brilliant critique of the book’s paternalistic representation of male phallocentric technocracy,” says his father, Dietrich Lubshod. “We thought it might have been a fluke, but after seeing The Land Before Time he insightfully identified the dinosaur necks as a prehistoric psychosexual representation of male phallocentric technocracy! That’s when his mother and I realized he was truly remarkable.”
Savant syndrome is a rare condition in which people with developmental disorders excel in one restricted area. Savants have been depicted in popular films such as The Rainman and Angels in the Outfield.
While Klaus cannot tie his shoes or handle solid foods, his post-Lacanian critiques of globalized hegemonic capito-sexual phenomena are regularly published in journals such as Post-Radical Womanism, Biosemiotic Ontological Critique Quarterly, and Sports Illustrated for Women.
“At the age of ten, Klaus is already deconstructing at the level of a post-graduate student,” says Wesleyan FGSS Professor Cherri Gough. “We have a veritable feminist, gender and sexuality studies Mozart on our hands. Gender studies hasn’t seen such a formidable but deeply defective mind since Judith Butler.”
Some, however, are not so impressed by Abu-Lubshod’s talents. “I tried to talk to him about race,” says Professor of African-American Studies Kwame X. Rosenbaum, “but he just drooled on my shoes.”
12/25/10
Dumbo vs. Die Antwoord
While you were stuffing your fat face with sugar plums, & contributor Rachel Pincus was creating this epic mashup. Merry Christmas.
12/10/10
Editors' Note
A note from the editors: In light of recent events, Ampersand Editor Piers Gelly has chosen to step down from his position and flee the country. If anyone wants to talk about it, they should come find him, because he’ll only be around for a little while longer. Keep calm and carry on.
Also, please enjoy the torrid dialogue written by Ampersand Editor Emeritus David Wolovsky ’10.
—Piers, Benjamin & Zach
Also, please enjoy the torrid dialogue written by Ampersand Editor Emeritus David Wolovsky ’10.
—Piers, Benjamin & Zach
Dennis to Attend Christmas Dinner
This year’s Christmas Dinner will be different than in previous years, due to the presence of Dennis Grayling, 56, your mother’s new boyfriend.
“Well, Dennis and I have been getting pretty involved lately,” explains your mother. “Also, his daughter and her fiancĂ©e said that they want to have some time to themselves this Christmas.”
“It’s just not Christmas without Dennis’s famous southwest coleslaw,” reports Dennis as he places the plastic container on the platter in the center of the table where the roast beef is supposed to go.
“The secret ingredient,” he discloses, “is bacon.” Dennis wants three things for Christmas this year: his new heartburn medication, tougher immigration legislation, and your mother’s thighs. She punches his shoulder teasingly and you avert your eyes as her attempts to sexily nibble his ear result in her licking his sideburns. “How’s Barber College going, Cowboy?” teases Dennis, who makes it up to you by showing you his tattoo of a Harley Davidson motorcycle above the words, “Spring Break, 1976.”
Over dinner, Dennis talks about the dry cleaning company that he runs with his older brother, that time he went to Miami, and how he’s happy for his ex-wife, despite all the raw shit she put him through. “So Cowboy,” he asks you, “got any special lady in your life?” “No,” you say tersely, prompting him to reassure you about how it will all work out, how you’re a good looking kid, and how forlorn he was after his wife left him, only to find a beautiful new woman who lets him do things his old wife never would.
“I want you to know that I am in this for the long haul,” Dennis says after dinner, tipsily readjusting his Santa hat, “never turn back, that’s my motto.” Maybe it’s not so bad. At least your mother seems happy. But Dennis’s breath smells like Pepto Bismol and you’ve never really felt like a Cowboy. Nonetheless, Dennis understands what you’re going through. He’s a child of divorce himself and, hey, he turned out pretty good.
“Well, Dennis and I have been getting pretty involved lately,” explains your mother. “Also, his daughter and her fiancĂ©e said that they want to have some time to themselves this Christmas.”
“It’s just not Christmas without Dennis’s famous southwest coleslaw,” reports Dennis as he places the plastic container on the platter in the center of the table where the roast beef is supposed to go.
“The secret ingredient,” he discloses, “is bacon.” Dennis wants three things for Christmas this year: his new heartburn medication, tougher immigration legislation, and your mother’s thighs. She punches his shoulder teasingly and you avert your eyes as her attempts to sexily nibble his ear result in her licking his sideburns. “How’s Barber College going, Cowboy?” teases Dennis, who makes it up to you by showing you his tattoo of a Harley Davidson motorcycle above the words, “Spring Break, 1976.”
Over dinner, Dennis talks about the dry cleaning company that he runs with his older brother, that time he went to Miami, and how he’s happy for his ex-wife, despite all the raw shit she put him through. “So Cowboy,” he asks you, “got any special lady in your life?” “No,” you say tersely, prompting him to reassure you about how it will all work out, how you’re a good looking kid, and how forlorn he was after his wife left him, only to find a beautiful new woman who lets him do things his old wife never would.
“I want you to know that I am in this for the long haul,” Dennis says after dinner, tipsily readjusting his Santa hat, “never turn back, that’s my motto.” Maybe it’s not so bad. At least your mother seems happy. But Dennis’s breath smells like Pepto Bismol and you’ve never really felt like a Cowboy. Nonetheless, Dennis understands what you’re going through. He’s a child of divorce himself and, hey, he turned out pretty good.
A Dialogue
Two freshpersons in Fauver discuss their winter break plans.
Dirk: Dude, are you going home, or what? I’m gonna stay here and it’d be cool if I could move our beds together and make a king.
Champagne: Yeah right. Your bed is like a salad bowl. Fuckin’ gross-ass hipstard.
Dirk: Oh yeah, right. Blame the hipsters. As USUAL! [Pushes his black, thick-rimmed glasses up his nose]. You know, it’s a good thing I’m not a hipster, or I’d consider beating your ass right now.
Champagne: With those straws for arms? And you ARE a hipster. Just admit it, you FUCKING hipster.
Dirk: What d’you mean?
Champagne: Your glasses. Your skinny torn jeans. Your flannel everything. Your Madmen style side-part, and the mustache. Come the fuck ON about that mustache.
Dirk: Whoa man. Don’t rag on the stache, bro. I can’t stress enough how much I will teabag you if you talk about my facial hair one more time. And would a hipster wear a huge chain with a dollar sign on it all the time?
Champagne: You’re disgusting.
Dirk: YOU’RE disgusting. This whole fucking country’s disgusting.
Champagne: I’m gonna pack a bowl.
Dirk: So, is it cool if I push our beds together?
Champagne: Pay me $100.
Dirk: Are you kidding? I don’t have that much money. I can barely pay for college and weed.
Champagne: You’re an upper-class white kid. Stop pretending your parents aren’t giving you money to spend.
Dirk: You are so presumptuous. And racist. It makes me sick. I’m just gonna push our beds together anyway once you leave.
Champagne: OK. And I’m gonna steal $100 from you.
Dirk: Yo, lemme get a hit?
Dirk: Dude, are you going home, or what? I’m gonna stay here and it’d be cool if I could move our beds together and make a king.
Champagne: Yeah right. Your bed is like a salad bowl. Fuckin’ gross-ass hipstard.
Dirk: Oh yeah, right. Blame the hipsters. As USUAL! [Pushes his black, thick-rimmed glasses up his nose]. You know, it’s a good thing I’m not a hipster, or I’d consider beating your ass right now.
Champagne: With those straws for arms? And you ARE a hipster. Just admit it, you FUCKING hipster.
Dirk: What d’you mean?
Champagne: Your glasses. Your skinny torn jeans. Your flannel everything. Your Madmen style side-part, and the mustache. Come the fuck ON about that mustache.
Dirk: Whoa man. Don’t rag on the stache, bro. I can’t stress enough how much I will teabag you if you talk about my facial hair one more time. And would a hipster wear a huge chain with a dollar sign on it all the time?
Champagne: You’re disgusting.
Dirk: YOU’RE disgusting. This whole fucking country’s disgusting.
Champagne: I’m gonna pack a bowl.
Dirk: So, is it cool if I push our beds together?
Champagne: Pay me $100.
Dirk: Are you kidding? I don’t have that much money. I can barely pay for college and weed.
Champagne: You’re an upper-class white kid. Stop pretending your parents aren’t giving you money to spend.
Dirk: You are so presumptuous. And racist. It makes me sick. I’m just gonna push our beds together anyway once you leave.
Champagne: OK. And I’m gonna steal $100 from you.
Dirk: Yo, lemme get a hit?
Demi-Priapus Penetrates Drawing I
On Wednesday, a display of remarkable modesty sent six Drawing I students to the Davison Health Center with complaints of whiplash, and a handful to OBHS with renewed feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. While the unveiling of the class’s nude self-portraits elicited the usual giggles and downward gazes, sophomore Drew Johnson’s charcoal sketch evoked a different response.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“Holy fuck!”
“There’s no way it’s that huge!”
“What thoughtful commentary on the effect of mass media on male body image!”
Johnson’s colossal johnson, disproportionally large for his scrawny 5’6” frame, aggravated and astonished members of the class. Hecklers railed the student for his obvious exaggeration, and those who did not shield their eyes or stare intently at their feet insisted that he prove such endowment.
Johnson conceded to the requests, pulling down his pants to reveal an appendage of gargantuan, inhuman, what-the-fuck proportions. Hecklers choked on their claims, others on tears, and the demi-Priapus led the CFA after tucking it back into his sock.
Johnson received a D for “Damn” on the project.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“Holy fuck!”
“There’s no way it’s that huge!”
“What thoughtful commentary on the effect of mass media on male body image!”
Johnson’s colossal johnson, disproportionally large for his scrawny 5’6” frame, aggravated and astonished members of the class. Hecklers railed the student for his obvious exaggeration, and those who did not shield their eyes or stare intently at their feet insisted that he prove such endowment.
Johnson conceded to the requests, pulling down his pants to reveal an appendage of gargantuan, inhuman, what-the-fuck proportions. Hecklers choked on their claims, others on tears, and the demi-Priapus led the CFA after tucking it back into his sock.
Johnson received a D for “Damn” on the project.
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