Eagle Commander
According to WesDems, the University’s resident chapter of student Democrats, former Middletown Mayor Sebastian Giuliano is actively seeking to construct a “ray-like device” that will allow him to control the weather.
“We didn’t believe it at first, but we managed to get ahold of the blueprints, and we can say without a doubt that the project has moved beyond the conceptual stage,” said WesDem Harry Blossom ’14. He cited a collection of e-mails from Giuliano the WesDems recently intercepted, which contain numerous references to a “weather machine” that will attack this year’s Spring Fling with massive artificial blizzards. The WesDems have also tried to draw attention to the large, weather-machine-like structure that has loomed over the Middletown skyline since November.
“His recent loss of the position at the Election Commission has, we believe, deepened his insatiable rage,” said Blossom. “Wesleyan kids have thwarted his plans again and again, like that one time he tried to take control of the diamond mine by dressing as a yeti and scaring off all the miners.”
According to WesDems, the University’s resident chapter of student Democrats, former Middletown Mayor Sebastian Giuliano is actively seeking to construct a “ray-like device” that will allow him to control the weather.
“We didn’t believe it at first, but we managed to get ahold of the blueprints, and we can say without a doubt that the project has moved beyond the conceptual stage,” said WesDem Harry Blossom ’14. He cited a collection of e-mails from Giuliano the WesDems recently intercepted, which contain numerous references to a “weather machine” that will attack this year’s Spring Fling with massive artificial blizzards. The WesDems have also tried to draw attention to the large, weather-machine-like structure that has loomed over the Middletown skyline since November.
“His recent loss of the position at the Election Commission has, we believe, deepened his insatiable rage,” said Blossom. “Wesleyan kids have thwarted his plans again and again, like that one time he tried to take control of the diamond mine by dressing as a yeti and scaring off all the miners.”
“This is just another typical case of fear-mongering by the Democrats,” said
Mytheos Holt ’10, former infamous campus Republican pundit, who spoke to the
Ampersand from the dumpster behind
Clark where he’s been living since graduation, occasionally leaping out to frighten
passing liberal freshmen. “They’re politicizing a process that should just be left
alo—A BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!” he
screamed at a passing group of students
discussing same-sex marriage.
The administration has no response to these claims. “Spring Fling is definitely going to happen,” said President Roth. “Do you want to be the one who tells the seniors they can’t get mad crunk and pass out on Foss this May? That’s a shitstorm waiting to happen, man. Your funeral.”
“What’s worse, a shitstorm brought on by angry seniors, or a literal storm of shit created by a weather ray?” responded Blossom.
When reached for comment, former mayor Giuliano replied, “Gya ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” and then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
SHITSTORM, page 3
The administration has no response to these claims. “Spring Fling is definitely going to happen,” said President Roth. “Do you want to be the one who tells the seniors they can’t get mad crunk and pass out on Foss this May? That’s a shitstorm waiting to happen, man. Your funeral.”
“What’s worse, a shitstorm brought on by angry seniors, or a literal storm of shit created by a weather ray?” responded Blossom.
When reached for comment, former mayor Giuliano replied, “Gya ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” and then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
SHITSTORM, page 3
