This spring’s slackadisical seniors have neglected to clear out
and secure their thesis carrels,
says a new report from Public
Safety, and the derelict cubbies
have attracted all sorts of crime
and vermin.
Rabid and/or drunk
raccoons have moved into carrels
in the basement of SciLi, several
of whom are “tripping balls” after
ingesting substances they pilfered
on Zonker Harris Day. “There is
definitely a sperm bank operating
out of the fourth floor of Olin,”
added Dean Scott Backer, “and at
least two meth labs. No one goes
there anymore, because no one
comes back.”
One senior, Abigail Wright
‘12, fell asleep in her carrel for
eighty-seven hours after handing
in her philosophy thesis, “Derri-
don’t: Meta-Paradox of Ritualistic Thought in Given Time and
the Impossibility of Time.” When
she awoke to the sound of gunfire several cartel members were
already bickering over her carrel-neighbor’s abandoned Teddy
Grahams.
“I didn’t understand
the language they were shouting
in, but it sounded like Laotian
maybe?” said a shaken Wright. “I
opened the door a bit and almost
got mauled by a wolf. Are those
even native to Connecticut?”
She
managed to secure safe passage
to the regular stacks from a passing Ranger who wanted to know
which carrels might contain precious metals or fresh water.
One senior had set up a twenty-four hour webcam in their carrel and mistakenly left it on after
fleeing at 3:58pm on April 15th.
The footage has provided valuable clues to the police, who have
already identified a Wiccan prostitution league and two currency
counterfeiters.
“There are some
baboons running around, maybe?
They’re hard to identify,” said
Scott Backer. “We know they
feed on human blood.” Physical
Plant plans to fumigate and/or
napalm the carrels over summer
break, when students won’t be so
uptight about the reality of war.
