All good things must come to an end. —Karl Marx
From the editors:
Play-dates, even if you hide when your mom comes to pick you up. Hospital stays, even if you don’t get cured. The universe, in cold, dark silence. The academic year, and if you’re a senior, your time at Wesleyan.
To those of you about to leave: we salute you. Have fun in Brooklyn/Teach For America/your parents’ basement.
Speaking of departure: Ampersand Editor Benjamin Soloway will be stepping down after this issue; he will now edit the Features section, a position that he will find both boring and unbeguiling. He will remain a frequent Ampersand contributor. Piers Gelly will return from France to resume his former position, and Zach Schonfeld will stay put. We have bequeathed upon frequent contributor Daniel Nass the following title: Online Editor/Technical Director/Multimedia Producer/Adjunct Associate Production Manager.
Ampersand staff: many thanks for a remarkable year of growth and synergy. Keep calm and carry on.
5/3/11
Yet to solidify your summer plans?
Do you have good communication skills? Solid writing skills? Top-notch social skills? Other skills? Enthusiasm? Are you a normal person who wants to be successful? Do you look sexy in business-casual? Do your parents want to pay for you to do unrewarding work without being paid?
Consider the Ampersand Social Media Internship!
Do not miss this opportunity to network, develop skills, and build your résumé. Begin marketing your personal brand!
The Ampersand is a rapidly growing, multi platform communications corporation. Our small team of employees is dedicated to innovation and creative problem solving. Join us on our ride to the top!
Do you have a deep love of tweeting? Did you tweet about Kate’s dress? Did you tweet about Osama’s death? This sounds like the job for you!
To apply, please fax us a writing sample: (212) 513-3047
Consider the Ampersand Social Media Internship!
Do not miss this opportunity to network, develop skills, and build your résumé. Begin marketing your personal brand!
The Ampersand is a rapidly growing, multi platform communications corporation. Our small team of employees is dedicated to innovation and creative problem solving. Join us on our ride to the top!
Do you have a deep love of tweeting? Did you tweet about Kate’s dress? Did you tweet about Osama’s death? This sounds like the job for you!
To apply, please fax us a writing sample: (212) 513-3047
Recent Grad Classifieds
- Deconstruction Worker: Foucault Co. seeks virile, critical thinking workers to lay bricks, set up drywall, and expose the internal contradictions and irreducible complexity of literary texts. If this seems too difficult, simply talk about phallocentric technocracy. Competency with a jackhammer is a must.
- Film Analyzer: Sit outside a multiplex with a an empty guitar case and see if people will pay you to enlighten them as to how tracking shots and the motif of the automobile create a poetic sense of postindustrial ennui in Justin Lin’s Fast Five.
- President of Wesleyan University: Combining the best parts of a scholarly polymath and lovable mascot, Wesleyan’s presidency is perfect for anyone who has a passion for expanding the minds of Our Children The Future, fundraising, and sunglasses.
- Antisocial Welfare: Get your parents to pay for your miniscule Brooklyn apartment while you blog about the minimalist clowncore scene in Rio De Janeiro, refuse any paying job that contributes to global warming, and misunderstand girls who claim to ind your moustache “Chekhovian.” Make sure to eat lots of limes so you don’t get scurvy.
- Crystal Meth Dealer: Get in on the action before Chinese orphans offer a superior product at a fraction of the price.
Amper Arts Expose: Pink@DKE
On the evening of Thursday, April 28th, Argus Arts Correspondent Tallullah Clementine ’13, who has refused to write a single concert review for the arts section for the entire year due to her revulsion toward sweaty campus venues, received a “super top-secret” email detailing a special event called “Pink@DKE” happening on Saturday night. According to the email, “this [was] the only true, deinitive DKE event happening on Saturday night.”“As a pledge task, we decided to celebrate the feminine in DKE. We had the pledges spray-paint everything pink and dye some random poodles with fruit punch. Yeah, we admit it. We actually did this specifically to attract girls. Now get the fuck over here, Tallulah. We promise we’ll be nice.”
Clementine, however, was sorely disappointed when she arrived at DKE. “The only pink item I saw there was the–ugh–blood on the musicians’ faces,” she said of an incident during Cum Tissue’s opening song, “Pregnant with Shit.”
“I don’t even know what happened, but there were lots of people gathered around taking pictures.” (Pink is Miss Clementine’s favorite color.) In her attempts to uphold her journalistic integrity despite her shock and revulsion at the DKE basement (“They were selling tighty-whities with brown streaks spraypainted onto them that said ‘Trouser Filth’–oh lordy!”), Miss Clementine was elbowed several times, and claimed a DKE brother tried to toilet paper her and her festive pink hoop skirt.
Fortunately, she found solace in the company of a group of Frisbee team pledges who were led in on a leash by their superior.
“Oh, my,” said Miss Clementine with a laugh, “They sure were the darndest thing.”
The Ampersand Interviews Spring Fling Acts
Wavves
Ampersand: So I understand your shtick is that you musically interpret wave functions that you graph onstage with TI-83s. With all due respect, what the fuck?
Anthony (lead vocals): We all met in Calculus class in high school. We noticed how we’ d each tricked out our graphing calculators, and it was clear to each of us that we were all very passionate about math.
Jefferton (bass): It ended up that we all bought our weed from the same guy too, and things sort of just snowballed from there. You know how it is.
&: What can we expect at the show on Thursday?
Bart (timpani): We’re going to include all the old fan favorites, like “[C1] 2 + [C2] 2.” But we’re also going to branch out into some more experimental material.
Anthony: We’ve got this new jam called “(x+3)” and it’ s been getting a really good response. So we’re definitely gonna drop some of that on your faces.
The Walkmen
&: So let me get this straight. You guys bring Sony Walkmen onstage loaded with cassettes that you randomly picked the night before. You play them into microphones on stage, and that’s your whole act?
Jefferton (the funny chubby one): Yes.
&: Whaaaaaat?
Ghostface Killah & Raekwon
&: So Mr. Killah, you have a ghost for a face. How’s that working out for you?
Ghostface Killah (Ironman): It’s been hard. When I was young, the other kids would constantly give me shit about it, you know, like “Hey, is that a ghost on your face or are you just happy to see me?” But then I learned to control my spectral powers and consume the souls of haters for energy, so that helped a lot.
&: Fascinating. And Raekwon, how have the tentacles you’ve had surgically attached all over your body affected your development as an artist?
Raekwon (Chef): It’s really allowed me to step up my game to unspeakable levels. You have no idea the sort of shit I can pull off. I don’ t want to spoil anything for Thursday, but here’s a hint: not all of the tentacles have suckers on them.
&: And Ghostface, you are also apparently Ironman.
Ghostface: Yeah, I use the armor to get from show to show. Rap is my passion, but I’ve always had a soft spot for using my repulsors to incinerate wrongdoers.
&: One last question. What is The Wu-Tang Secret?
Raekwon: (Rips out interviewer’s heart from chest cavity and eats it)
Ampersand: So I understand your shtick is that you musically interpret wave functions that you graph onstage with TI-83s. With all due respect, what the fuck?
Anthony (lead vocals): We all met in Calculus class in high school. We noticed how we’ d each tricked out our graphing calculators, and it was clear to each of us that we were all very passionate about math.
Jefferton (bass): It ended up that we all bought our weed from the same guy too, and things sort of just snowballed from there. You know how it is.
&: What can we expect at the show on Thursday?
Bart (timpani): We’re going to include all the old fan favorites, like “[C1] 2 + [C2] 2.” But we’re also going to branch out into some more experimental material.
Anthony: We’ve got this new jam called “(x+3)” and it’ s been getting a really good response. So we’re definitely gonna drop some of that on your faces.
The Walkmen
&: So let me get this straight. You guys bring Sony Walkmen onstage loaded with cassettes that you randomly picked the night before. You play them into microphones on stage, and that’s your whole act?
Jefferton (the funny chubby one): Yes.
&: Whaaaaaat?
Ghostface Killah & Raekwon
&: So Mr. Killah, you have a ghost for a face. How’s that working out for you?
Ghostface Killah (Ironman): It’s been hard. When I was young, the other kids would constantly give me shit about it, you know, like “Hey, is that a ghost on your face or are you just happy to see me?” But then I learned to control my spectral powers and consume the souls of haters for energy, so that helped a lot.
&: Fascinating. And Raekwon, how have the tentacles you’ve had surgically attached all over your body affected your development as an artist?
Raekwon (Chef): It’s really allowed me to step up my game to unspeakable levels. You have no idea the sort of shit I can pull off. I don’ t want to spoil anything for Thursday, but here’s a hint: not all of the tentacles have suckers on them.
&: And Ghostface, you are also apparently Ironman.
Ghostface: Yeah, I use the armor to get from show to show. Rap is my passion, but I’ve always had a soft spot for using my repulsors to incinerate wrongdoers.
&: One last question. What is The Wu-Tang Secret?
Raekwon: (Rips out interviewer’s heart from chest cavity and eats it)
Wesleyan Graduating Class Struggles to Cope with Post-Osama Job Climate
While much of Wesleyan’s student body greeted news of Osama Bin Laden’s death with patriotic exclamations and cheers of relief, members of the class of 2011 anticipate difficulty adjusting to a post-Bin Laden job climate. Film major Daniel Hertz ’11 is especially feeling the hit.
“I was planning to, like, make an indie documentary about driving around the country next year looking for Osama while stopping at every Taco Bell we pass along the way,” explains Hertz, who has already secured money for the project through the Tölölyan Fund for the Study of Diasporas and Transnationalism. “The working title was Tacosama Grande. My 10-year-old sister agreed to come on the trip and everything.”
For Hertz, post-grad employment ideas have been suddenly, and cruelly, snuffed by Bin Laden’s death. “What am I supposed to do now, work at fucking Foot Locker? Fuck Foot Locker.”
Fellow senior Amanda Gruerwitz ’11 is equally distressed, unsure how Bin Laden’s discovery in Abbottabad, Pakistan, will affect her senior thesis, “Osamarama: Post-Structuralist Rearticulations of Bin Laden in Iowa.”
“My thesis locates Bin Laden’s presence in a hideout camp beneath a Des Moines, Iowa, women’s shelter within an Althusserian constellation of post-Lacanian butch-feminist patriarchal critique,” Gruerwitz explains. “He wasn’t actually in Iowa, I guess.”
Alone among his classmates, James Robbins ’11 is pleased by his new employment options.
“My new Tumblr has been doing pretty well. It’s called ‘Osama at Chuck E. Cheese.’ Just pictures of Osama photoshopped into pictures of kids at Chuck E. Cheese. Pretty sweet.”
Robbins hopes to spend next year living off the royalties of the upcoming “Osama at Chuck E. Cheese” coffee table book at his grandmother’s house in Scarsdale, N.Y.
“She has a water trampoline and everything. Pretty sweet.”
“I was planning to, like, make an indie documentary about driving around the country next year looking for Osama while stopping at every Taco Bell we pass along the way,” explains Hertz, who has already secured money for the project through the Tölölyan Fund for the Study of Diasporas and Transnationalism. “The working title was Tacosama Grande. My 10-year-old sister agreed to come on the trip and everything.”
For Hertz, post-grad employment ideas have been suddenly, and cruelly, snuffed by Bin Laden’s death. “What am I supposed to do now, work at fucking Foot Locker? Fuck Foot Locker.”
Fellow senior Amanda Gruerwitz ’11 is equally distressed, unsure how Bin Laden’s discovery in Abbottabad, Pakistan, will affect her senior thesis, “Osamarama: Post-Structuralist Rearticulations of Bin Laden in Iowa.”
“My thesis locates Bin Laden’s presence in a hideout camp beneath a Des Moines, Iowa, women’s shelter within an Althusserian constellation of post-Lacanian butch-feminist patriarchal critique,” Gruerwitz explains. “He wasn’t actually in Iowa, I guess.”
Alone among his classmates, James Robbins ’11 is pleased by his new employment options.
“My new Tumblr has been doing pretty well. It’s called ‘Osama at Chuck E. Cheese.’ Just pictures of Osama photoshopped into pictures of kids at Chuck E. Cheese. Pretty sweet.”
Robbins hopes to spend next year living off the royalties of the upcoming “Osama at Chuck E. Cheese” coffee table book at his grandmother’s house in Scarsdale, N.Y.
“She has a water trampoline and everything. Pretty sweet.”
4/26/11
College Endowments
Above: The endowments of prominent liberal arts colleges, in millions of dollars.- Wesleyan President Michael Roth said of his university’s modest endowment: “It’s not about the size. It’s about how you use it. And girth is more important than length.”
- Vas Deferens, the Master of Bates, described her college’s endowment as “a chode.”
- Tufts has managed to develop a firm endowment that extends well above its tufty origins.
- WILDWill, a student environmental group at Williams College, advocates devoting a higher percentage of the college’s substantial endowment to sustainable manscaping practices.
- Amherst and Ohio Wesleyan were considering becoming “sister” institutions, but the relationship ended up being more physical than emotional.
Inside This Ampersand
- Promiscuous Senior Has Sex With Entire Tour Group
- Peer Health Advocate Urges Students to Get STI Testing, Especially if They Had Sex with Peer Health Advocate, Not That He’s Implying Anything
- Zachary Malter Joins Rho Epsilon in Attempt to Connect with Women on Political and Romantic Level
- Music House Just Playing Fleet Foxes Album to Impress Girlfriend Who Likes Fleet Foxes
- Wellbeing House Orgy Pretty Much Just Sober and Awkward, Says Participant
- Area Student Gets STI Testing Just To Be Seen Getting STI Testing
- English Major Ejaculates on Woolf Novel, Inadvertently Promotes Global Patriarchy
Fauver Carmelite Fights Temptation
Esperanza Magdalene ’14, Wesleyan’s so-called “Fauver Nun,” says that she made the first social blunder of her college life during freshman orientation.
“I took the words ‘Foss Cross’ literally,” she said, kneading the hems of her heavy habit in embarrassment. “While my classmates were fucking the gender binary, I was alone on Foss Hill, crucifying and effigy of Our Lord.”
As the university’s only Carmelite Nun, Magdalene spends much of her time in prayer and meditation. But her life at Wesleyan has not been entirely pure.
“University is a place of temptations and depravities,” she said, in an exclusive interview with the Ampersand. “I’ve never before devoted so much time to onanism,” she confessed. “And I never imagined that I would find so many ways to use rosary beads.”
Despite having succumbed to various sexual improprieties, Magdalene says she remains committed to her vows and to the Carmelite order.
“Mother Superior only allowed me to attend university because the other nuns would not stop singing about solving a problem like me,” Magdalene said. “I absolutely mustn’t betray her trust, or she’ll call me a ‘flibbertigibbet’ ‘a will-o’-the-wisp,’ or ‘a clown.’”
“I took the words ‘Foss Cross’ literally,” she said, kneading the hems of her heavy habit in embarrassment. “While my classmates were fucking the gender binary, I was alone on Foss Hill, crucifying and effigy of Our Lord.”
As the university’s only Carmelite Nun, Magdalene spends much of her time in prayer and meditation. But her life at Wesleyan has not been entirely pure.
“University is a place of temptations and depravities,” she said, in an exclusive interview with the Ampersand. “I’ve never before devoted so much time to onanism,” she confessed. “And I never imagined that I would find so many ways to use rosary beads.”
Despite having succumbed to various sexual improprieties, Magdalene says she remains committed to her vows and to the Carmelite order.
“Mother Superior only allowed me to attend university because the other nuns would not stop singing about solving a problem like me,” Magdalene said. “I absolutely mustn’t betray her trust, or she’ll call me a ‘flibbertigibbet’ ‘a will-o’-the-wisp,’ or ‘a clown.’”
Genital Jousting Arouses Campus
Frustrated by the multiplicity of norms in sexual expression and the attendant difficulties in adapting safer-sex techniques, the university’s Peer Health Advocates (PHAs) have decided to penetrate the status quo with a deconstructive event.
“It’s called Penis and Vagina Jousting,” said PHA Scotus Grotsky ’12. “We ram a giant penis and the giant vagina from the WesWell offices into each other and have a contest to see who wins.”
The event promises to become a yearly tradition in the vein of Groundhog Day.
“It’s like, if the dick wins, it’s six more weeks of patriarchy for the semester,” said awed prefrosh Ken McDowd ’15. “Fuck yes! I’m so excited, go Wes!”
Opposition is nearly as widespread as support for the event, with frontrunners for the title of genital-bearer worried about the possibility of sore wrists and pelvic sprains.
Reproductive rights advocacy rights groups have also expressed concerns, in the words of one protester, “about the heteronormativity of the act in microcosm.”
The administration has voiced its concerns as well.
“[The event is] just lat-out disrespectful,” said Merkin Gurk, Dean of the Class of 2013. “It detracts from the regal rectitude of our other fine traditions, such as the saga of the Douglas Cannon.”
“It’s called Penis and Vagina Jousting,” said PHA Scotus Grotsky ’12. “We ram a giant penis and the giant vagina from the WesWell offices into each other and have a contest to see who wins.”
The event promises to become a yearly tradition in the vein of Groundhog Day.
“It’s like, if the dick wins, it’s six more weeks of patriarchy for the semester,” said awed prefrosh Ken McDowd ’15. “Fuck yes! I’m so excited, go Wes!”
Opposition is nearly as widespread as support for the event, with frontrunners for the title of genital-bearer worried about the possibility of sore wrists and pelvic sprains.
Reproductive rights advocacy rights groups have also expressed concerns, in the words of one protester, “about the heteronormativity of the act in microcosm.”
The administration has voiced its concerns as well.
“[The event is] just lat-out disrespectful,” said Merkin Gurk, Dean of the Class of 2013. “It detracts from the regal rectitude of our other fine traditions, such as the saga of the Douglas Cannon.”
Ampersand Guide to Fetishry
Fetish season is upon us, so hose off your latex chaps and bring your marble bust of the Marquis De Sade out of thebox labeled “baseball stuff” in your attic. This year, the Ampersand has paid a visit to the High Council of the Licentious and the Wicked to bring you this list of the year’s hottest perversions.
John Deere Riding Lawnmowers: Deere hunters can’t get enough of the rumbling motors on their favorite residential lawn tractors. For extra enjoyment, sit on a hard-boiled egg and ride over gravel. - Powdered wigs: Rock me Amadeus.
- Tarring and Feathering: Popularized by the popular Foxxx News program Tar Me Up, Feather Me Down with Joe the Plumber, made possible by viewers like you (and Koch Industries).
- Astronauts: Houston, we have an enormous, throbbing erection.
- Hairnets: Either regular or pubic.
- Real-time location data: The ability to achieve a state of sexual arousal only when aware of one’s precise geographic coordinates. Consider buying a new Garmin™ Vibrating GPS.
Blowholes: Dolphins give great blowjobs. - Brechtian Alienation Devices: Based on Weimar modernist Bertolt Brecht’s (1898 – 1956) theory of Verfremdungseffekt, which holds that works of art should not assume false airs of realism that causes the spectator to identify complacently with the characters or action. Rather, a work of art (according to the theory) should employ alienation effects that lead the spectator to gyrate feverishly with erotic glee until the floor is covered with the bounty of his seed.
- Feet: You are a deviant and a threat to American values. Get yourself to the nearest castration clinic before you hurt somebody.
Word "Vagina" Uttered in BIOL123
Sources have confirmed moderate-volume utterance of the word “vagina” in Shanklin 107 Monday morning, reportedly between 10:34 and 10:36 AM, during a Seminar in Human Biology lecture.
“It was just really uncalled for, completely out of context,” reported Dylan Held ’13, a biology major who was highly shaken by the incident. “[Professor Lodell] was explaining topics in female reproductive processes, and—it just kinda shot out of her.”
“We all thought maybe it was a Freudian slip,” Held added. “I don’t know much about Marxism.”
“Kinda fucked up,” concurred classmate Amanda Goswell ’12, an FGSS major hoping to complete her NSM credits. “Let’s keep vagina fetishes out of the classroom and away from our youth.”
Lodell insists that next lecture’s fucksaw demonstration will be far more course-appropriate.
“It was just really uncalled for, completely out of context,” reported Dylan Held ’13, a biology major who was highly shaken by the incident. “[Professor Lodell] was explaining topics in female reproductive processes, and—it just kinda shot out of her.”
“We all thought maybe it was a Freudian slip,” Held added. “I don’t know much about Marxism.”
“Kinda fucked up,” concurred classmate Amanda Goswell ’12, an FGSS major hoping to complete her NSM credits. “Let’s keep vagina fetishes out of the classroom and away from our youth.”
Lodell insists that next lecture’s fucksaw demonstration will be far more course-appropriate.
WeSpeak: Keep Your Tongue Out Of My Ears
He licked my ear. And bit it. Like a bunny nibbling on a carrot, he delicately grazed my cartilage and kissed the lobe. What the fuck. Is this supposed to be sexy?
At a party this weekend, I became another victim of the disturbing rise in sexual fetishes on our campus, and frankly, this trend is pissing me off. What happened to chivalry? Is it dead, along with the proper repression of all sexual deviance?
Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned, but sex is something sacred, meant to be shared between two, three, or up to twelve people. Instead of making out with each other’s ears, sexually active college students should be exploring more traditional forms of lovemaking, such as the missionary position, when a couple climbs on top of the Memorial Chapel to fornicate and sing songs they learned at church camp.
They could even take a hint from the Kama Suture, when a lover stabs hir partner with a kitchen knife, stitches it up, and proceeds to penetrate the healing wound. Is this sort of simple, sensual intimacy too much to ask from our student body?
I cannot even remember the last time a nice young man took me out to dinner and a movie before chopping off my hair and braiding it into a rope to use for autoerotic asphyxiation in a public restroom. It has been years since I have even had a boyfriend willing to meet my parents, dress like a giant baby, and let me breastfeed him while watching Sesame Street.
I, like other Wes students, fancy myself a proper liberal, but where are we willing to draw the line between what is erotic and what is just plain weird? Keep it classy, Wesleyan, and keep your tongue out of my ears.
At a party this weekend, I became another victim of the disturbing rise in sexual fetishes on our campus, and frankly, this trend is pissing me off. What happened to chivalry? Is it dead, along with the proper repression of all sexual deviance?
Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned, but sex is something sacred, meant to be shared between two, three, or up to twelve people. Instead of making out with each other’s ears, sexually active college students should be exploring more traditional forms of lovemaking, such as the missionary position, when a couple climbs on top of the Memorial Chapel to fornicate and sing songs they learned at church camp.
They could even take a hint from the Kama Suture, when a lover stabs hir partner with a kitchen knife, stitches it up, and proceeds to penetrate the healing wound. Is this sort of simple, sensual intimacy too much to ask from our student body?
I cannot even remember the last time a nice young man took me out to dinner and a movie before chopping off my hair and braiding it into a rope to use for autoerotic asphyxiation in a public restroom. It has been years since I have even had a boyfriend willing to meet my parents, dress like a giant baby, and let me breastfeed him while watching Sesame Street.
I, like other Wes students, fancy myself a proper liberal, but where are we willing to draw the line between what is erotic and what is just plain weird? Keep it classy, Wesleyan, and keep your tongue out of my ears.
4/19/11
Article Needs More Jokes, Says Ampersand Editor
When Ampersand writer Danny Witkin ’13 presented his new article, entitled “Michael Roth Wears Adult Diapers,” at a recent staff meeting, he
expected it to be well-received by the staff. But while his reading of the piece did elicit a few chortles, it failed to impress Ampersand co-editor Benjamin Soloway ’13.
Soloway, who had been texting his girlfriend throughout Witkin’s reading, remarked that the article’s subject matter was little more than a lackluster rehashing of comedic themes thoroughly explored by the Ampersand in the past, and suggested that Witkin “add some jokes about St. Augustine or some shit.”
Witkin was at first dismayed by Soloway’s lambasting of his piece, but later acknowledged that it was indeed lacking in the joke department. “I was really hungover when I wrote it,” Witkin explained. “From drinking Dubra.”
“It’s pretty inside-jokey,” remarked Ampersand writer Daniel Nass ’13. “And it relies too much on meta humor. Nobody likes that shit. Especially not me.”
Zach Schonfeld ’13, Soloway’s co-editor, was more measured in his criticism.
“I thought it was pretty good,” Schonfeld remarked, “but maybe you could rewrite it as a series of Das Racist tweets.”
expected it to be well-received by the staff. But while his reading of the piece did elicit a few chortles, it failed to impress Ampersand co-editor Benjamin Soloway ’13.Soloway, who had been texting his girlfriend throughout Witkin’s reading, remarked that the article’s subject matter was little more than a lackluster rehashing of comedic themes thoroughly explored by the Ampersand in the past, and suggested that Witkin “add some jokes about St. Augustine or some shit.”
Witkin was at first dismayed by Soloway’s lambasting of his piece, but later acknowledged that it was indeed lacking in the joke department. “I was really hungover when I wrote it,” Witkin explained. “From drinking Dubra.”
“It’s pretty inside-jokey,” remarked Ampersand writer Daniel Nass ’13. “And it relies too much on meta humor. Nobody likes that shit. Especially not me.”
Zach Schonfeld ’13, Soloway’s co-editor, was more measured in his criticism.
“I thought it was pretty good,” Schonfeld remarked, “but maybe you could rewrite it as a series of Das Racist tweets.”
WSA Presidential Candidates Maybe Having Second Thoughts About GRS Group
This article is a work of fiction. Zachary Malter said none of the following, though we have reason to believe he appreciates a fine Womanchego as much as the next guy or gal.
According to sources close to the candidates, Zachary Malter ’13, Joe O’Donnell ’13, and Melody Oliphant ’13 may be having second thoughts about going into GRS together. The three had reportedly discussed securing a WSA-themed apartment together on Pearl Street, tentatively named “The Sexxxecutive Suite.”
“I just don’t know if it’s a good idea,” explained Oliphant via Facebook chat. “Things are kind of heating up right now. I know I said we wanted to improve transparency, but that doesn’t mean I want to see Joe in his underwear.”
The three had initially hoped to secure a Lo-Rise, but failed to recruit a fourth person. “They propositioned me to join their group right before the GRS deadline,” Eli Meixler ’13 recalled. “Malter tried to bribe me with extra Cheese Co-Op. Like, fuck no, man.”
O’Donnell has expressed concern that his abrasive living habits could pose an issue.
“I’m a pretty tenacious roommate,” O’Donnell explained. “I’m less concerned with these ‘working relationships’ with roommates obtained through always being ‘diplomatic’ than really going to bat for myself.”
Only Malter remains in favor of the idea.
“We could host some pretty suite parties,” Malter commented. “Pun intended. Plus I can score mad Womanchego from the Cheese Co-Op since I, like, pretty much invented it. And Joe apparently has a great Rahm Emanuel party mask.”
“He says he uses it for roleplay,” Malter added, frowning. “I didn’t know Joe was involved with student theater.”
According to sources close to the candidates, Zachary Malter ’13, Joe O’Donnell ’13, and Melody Oliphant ’13 may be having second thoughts about going into GRS together. The three had reportedly discussed securing a WSA-themed apartment together on Pearl Street, tentatively named “The Sexxxecutive Suite.”
“I just don’t know if it’s a good idea,” explained Oliphant via Facebook chat. “Things are kind of heating up right now. I know I said we wanted to improve transparency, but that doesn’t mean I want to see Joe in his underwear.”
The three had initially hoped to secure a Lo-Rise, but failed to recruit a fourth person. “They propositioned me to join their group right before the GRS deadline,” Eli Meixler ’13 recalled. “Malter tried to bribe me with extra Cheese Co-Op. Like, fuck no, man.”
O’Donnell has expressed concern that his abrasive living habits could pose an issue.
“I’m a pretty tenacious roommate,” O’Donnell explained. “I’m less concerned with these ‘working relationships’ with roommates obtained through always being ‘diplomatic’ than really going to bat for myself.”
Only Malter remains in favor of the idea.
“We could host some pretty suite parties,” Malter commented. “Pun intended. Plus I can score mad Womanchego from the Cheese Co-Op since I, like, pretty much invented it. And Joe apparently has a great Rahm Emanuel party mask.”
“He says he uses it for roleplay,” Malter added, frowning. “I didn’t know Joe was involved with student theater.”
WSA Elections Not Dickish Enough
This year’s WSA elections lacked the most critical component of modern politics: douchebaggery. Sure, there were plenty of candidates who had their parents print out and ship business cards for them to hand out as they went door-to-door canvassing for votes. But business cards don’t win elections, the spirit to rip out your opponent’s heart and cram it down hir gender-neutral throat wins elections.
Where were the attack ads filled with baseless accusations of bestiality? Why didn’t anyone bother taking advantage of the campus’s radio station to deliver bile-spewing tirades? If these students are going to be the next generation of leaders, they need to show that they’re willing to act like adults by engaging in petty politics, the foundation of our great nation.
The most disappointing thing about this entire election? Not one scandal. No one mentioned that a particular rival regularly attempts to fuck everything that moves in the library, and some things that don’t. “So?” you might say. “I do that, and I’m the one making the accusation.” I can only shake my head in dismay. Nobody cares what actually happened.
“But Sam,” you whine on, “I only have a week to make my case, and in between classes and trying to bone anything with a pulse, I just don’t have time to dig up dirt.” Well, in that case you gotta just roll up your sleeves and set to work on one of the oldest and most hallowed political traditions: making shit up. I’m confident even groggy, drug-addled post-adolescents like yourselves can pull it off. Chop chop, Wesleyan!
Where were the attack ads filled with baseless accusations of bestiality? Why didn’t anyone bother taking advantage of the campus’s radio station to deliver bile-spewing tirades? If these students are going to be the next generation of leaders, they need to show that they’re willing to act like adults by engaging in petty politics, the foundation of our great nation.
The most disappointing thing about this entire election? Not one scandal. No one mentioned that a particular rival regularly attempts to fuck everything that moves in the library, and some things that don’t. “So?” you might say. “I do that, and I’m the one making the accusation.” I can only shake my head in dismay. Nobody cares what actually happened.
“But Sam,” you whine on, “I only have a week to make my case, and in between classes and trying to bone anything with a pulse, I just don’t have time to dig up dirt.” Well, in that case you gotta just roll up your sleeves and set to work on one of the oldest and most hallowed political traditions: making shit up. I’m confident even groggy, drug-addled post-adolescents like yourselves can pull it off. Chop chop, Wesleyan!
Ampersand Receives Ampersand Award for Video Activism
A delegation of Ampersand representatives traveled to Butterfield C on Thursday to receive the prestigious Ampersand Award for Video Activism. The Ampersand, which recently made waves with its pro-Ampersand video “I Have Sex,” is proud to accept the award from the Ampersand, which regularly seeks to promote Ampersand awareness on campus through new media initiatives.
“We’re presenting this award on behalf of the Ampersand to honor a timely example of political activism on an issue that matters to the whole Ampersand,” explained presenter Ben Soloway ’13, who then hopped down from the COL Lounge podium to accept the award with tears in his eyes.
The Ampersand Award for Video Activism honors “an individual, family, or institution for their outstanding philanthropy on behalf of the Ampersand’s mission and commitment to Ampersand health and rights.”
“We’re presenting this award on behalf of the Ampersand to honor a timely example of political activism on an issue that matters to the whole Ampersand,” explained presenter Ben Soloway ’13, who then hopped down from the COL Lounge podium to accept the award with tears in his eyes.
The Ampersand Award for Video Activism honors “an individual, family, or institution for their outstanding philanthropy on behalf of the Ampersand’s mission and commitment to Ampersand health and rights.”
A New Kind of Firefighter: Samuel Bolide’s Experience in the Middletown Fire Department
The word firefighter isn’t quite right, at least in my case. I’m a “pro-fire firefighter.” I’m not really with the Department to put the fires out, but just to have access to them. I wasn’t one of those kids that always knew he wanted to be a firefighter when he grew up, but I’ve always been fascinated by fire. I remember when I was just a little kid, we—my parents and I—lived in a one room house in the Catskills, and some nights in the winters my parents would make a fire and sit me down in front of it while they went and, you know, did it in the bed behind me. So it’s always been there, my love of fire, ever since I can remember. And I really do love my job; I just hate doing it.
When I started working for the MFD, I would drive really slowly to whatever fire I was dispatched to. Back then I thought that if I was the last one there, I would get to see the fire when it was at its largest—I wanted to be able to see the house burning from a few streets away. But usually, by the time I got there, the fire would be more or less out. The other guys really are there to put the fires out, I guess. So I would see a lot of smoke, but that was more or less it.
Now I’m the first one there every time. There’s nothing I like more than those two or three minutes when I’m alone and I get to lean against my truck and watch the tongues of flame flickering. Usually I’m sweating a little bit. Some people find walks on the beach romantic—me, I think nothing’s sexier than a house on fire at twilight. If I had a wife, I’d bring her with me every time. But it’s great by myself—at least until the other guys show up. They don’t even stop to appreciate it;they just roll out the hoses and start spraying.
You know, I do understand how some people might see me in a negative light, but I don’t agree with that. To me it’s all about how you come at your job—attitude and all that, you know? When people tell me I’m not doing my job right, usually I don’t say much, but I think about those Freedom Fighters. They weren’t fighting against freedom—they were fighting for it. That’s not necessarily justification for how I do my job, but it is interesting to consider, at least I think so.
Anyway, I just like watching shit burn.
When I started working for the MFD, I would drive really slowly to whatever fire I was dispatched to. Back then I thought that if I was the last one there, I would get to see the fire when it was at its largest—I wanted to be able to see the house burning from a few streets away. But usually, by the time I got there, the fire would be more or less out. The other guys really are there to put the fires out, I guess. So I would see a lot of smoke, but that was more or less it.
Now I’m the first one there every time. There’s nothing I like more than those two or three minutes when I’m alone and I get to lean against my truck and watch the tongues of flame flickering. Usually I’m sweating a little bit. Some people find walks on the beach romantic—me, I think nothing’s sexier than a house on fire at twilight. If I had a wife, I’d bring her with me every time. But it’s great by myself—at least until the other guys show up. They don’t even stop to appreciate it;they just roll out the hoses and start spraying.
You know, I do understand how some people might see me in a negative light, but I don’t agree with that. To me it’s all about how you come at your job—attitude and all that, you know? When people tell me I’m not doing my job right, usually I don’t say much, but I think about those Freedom Fighters. They weren’t fighting against freedom—they were fighting for it. That’s not necessarily justification for how I do my job, but it is interesting to consider, at least I think so.
Anyway, I just like watching shit burn.
4/15/11
& WesFest Edition
WesFest is an event with two sides. There’s the image put forth by the University: three days of exciting, diverse, multicultural events designed to show students (read: parents) how vibrant and stimulating life at Wesleyan is. And then there’s the reality for visiting students: unchecked debauchery. Parents:your worst nightmares are true. By noon tomorrow, your child may well have attended a feminist pornography workshop/sex toy demonstration, shot-gunned a FourLoko, consumed a fearful combination of opium and psilocybin mushrooms, signed the “preliminary interest form” for the “Environmental Dance Certiicate,” discovered hir inner “wesbian,” gotten a nipple piecing (or a “Prince Albert”), and fornicated with abandon, possibly for the first time,possibly with a much older partner, possibly in public.
Pie for Parents
Last year, Ampersand statisticians brought you a demographic breakdown of the newly admitted class. This year, we bring you a demographic breakdown of admitted students’ parents.
“We really don’t give a lying fuck about the kids we’re admitting,” Dean of Admissions Pregory Gyke told the Ampersand via Facebook Chat. “It’s the parents that matter. Kids cost a lot of goddamn money. Parents provide that.”
Gyke worked with our number-crunchers to analyze the parents of the Class of 2015.
“We’re extremely proud of this year’s pool,” said Gyke. “We’ve only admitted ive percent fuckfaces this time around, and they’re usually a bit of a wildcard. It’s wonderful.”
The largest 2015 demographic, edging out Jewish Doctors by one percentage point, is the group known as “Money and Melanin.”
“These are people who have lots of both [money and melanin],” Pyke explained. “When they’re well represented, it looks good on paper and on campus.”
Only one percent of admitted students’ parents are Republicans, a number that Pyke described as “frustrating.”
“Every year I push to admit more of them,” he said. “But Wes just won’t have it. It’s a real shame; they’re generally the most fiscally responsible adults.”
“We really don’t give a lying fuck about the kids we’re admitting,” Dean of Admissions Pregory Gyke told the Ampersand via Facebook Chat. “It’s the parents that matter. Kids cost a lot of goddamn money. Parents provide that.”
Gyke worked with our number-crunchers to analyze the parents of the Class of 2015.
“We’re extremely proud of this year’s pool,” said Gyke. “We’ve only admitted ive percent fuckfaces this time around, and they’re usually a bit of a wildcard. It’s wonderful.”
The largest 2015 demographic, edging out Jewish Doctors by one percentage point, is the group known as “Money and Melanin.”
“These are people who have lots of both [money and melanin],” Pyke explained. “When they’re well represented, it looks good on paper and on campus.”
Only one percent of admitted students’ parents are Republicans, a number that Pyke described as “frustrating.”
“Every year I push to admit more of them,” he said. “But Wes just won’t have it. It’s a real shame; they’re generally the most fiscally responsible adults.”
WesFest Calendar
12:00 AM – ???
Naked Arm Wrestling Battle Royale For Waitlisted Students
Meet other waitlisted students. Fight to the death.
Location: The Tomb
1:00 PM – 2:00 PM
Buddhism For White People
Learn how to appropriate superficial elements of Buddhist philosophy into your depraved, materialistic lifestyle like the self-serving, narcissistic asshole you are.
Location: Buddhist Temple
3:00 PM – 3:30 PM
Das Racist Walking Tour
Visit the WestCo toilet stall where Himanshu Suri conceived “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell,” along with other historic locations.
2:00 PM – 4:00 PM
English Dept Dunk Tank
Location: Russell House
2:00 PM – 4:00 PM
Esteemed Medievalist Gary Shaw’s Son’s Birthday Party
Join us as we voyage to Professor Shaw’s family home in Meriden and surprise-visit his four-year-old son’s birthday party! Brownies and ice cream cake provided, BYOWB (Bring Your Own Weed Butter).
Location: Gary Shaw’s house
3:00 PM – 4:30 PM
WESeminar: What Organs Should You Sell to Pay For Your Wesleyan Education?
The Biology Department and the Office of Financial Aid join to bring you this seminar in how best to finance your Wesleyan education. Come with two kidneys—leave with one!
Location: PAC 001
4:20 PM – 6:00 PM
Stargazing Session on Foss with Cheez-Its
Location: Foss Hill
5:00 PM – 7:00 PM
ED Student Mingle
Meet and commiserate with other students who are unable to achieve erections.
Location: Office of Admissions patio
6:00 PM – 6:30 PM
International Students Tour of Neon Deli
A multicultural tour of Wesleyan’s friendliest deli.
Location: Neon Deli
10:30 PM – 2:00 AM
Steampunk at Beta
Steampunk? More like Steamcrunk, amiright?
Location: Beta
12:00 AM – god-knows-when
Prefrosh-Senior Mixer
This is a fun and safe place for prefrosh and seniors to meet and mingle!
Location: DKE
Naked Arm Wrestling Battle Royale For Waitlisted Students
Meet other waitlisted students. Fight to the death.
Location: The Tomb
1:00 PM – 2:00 PM
Buddhism For White People
Learn how to appropriate superficial elements of Buddhist philosophy into your depraved, materialistic lifestyle like the self-serving, narcissistic asshole you are.
Location: Buddhist Temple
3:00 PM – 3:30 PM
Das Racist Walking Tour
Visit the WestCo toilet stall where Himanshu Suri conceived “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell,” along with other historic locations.
2:00 PM – 4:00 PM
English Dept Dunk Tank
Location: Russell House
2:00 PM – 4:00 PM
Esteemed Medievalist Gary Shaw’s Son’s Birthday Party
Join us as we voyage to Professor Shaw’s family home in Meriden and surprise-visit his four-year-old son’s birthday party! Brownies and ice cream cake provided, BYOWB (Bring Your Own Weed Butter).
Location: Gary Shaw’s house
3:00 PM – 4:30 PM
WESeminar: What Organs Should You Sell to Pay For Your Wesleyan Education?
The Biology Department and the Office of Financial Aid join to bring you this seminar in how best to finance your Wesleyan education. Come with two kidneys—leave with one!
Location: PAC 001
4:20 PM – 6:00 PM
Stargazing Session on Foss with Cheez-Its
Location: Foss Hill
5:00 PM – 7:00 PM
ED Student Mingle
Meet and commiserate with other students who are unable to achieve erections.
Location: Office of Admissions patio
6:00 PM – 6:30 PM
International Students Tour of Neon Deli
A multicultural tour of Wesleyan’s friendliest deli.
Location: Neon Deli
10:30 PM – 2:00 AM
Steampunk at Beta
Steampunk? More like Steamcrunk, amiright?
Location: Beta
12:00 AM – god-knows-when
Prefrosh-Senior Mixer
This is a fun and safe place for prefrosh and seniors to meet and mingle!
Location: DKE
My 2rd Article
This semesters, a time came for the annual Wesleyan Festival. Many students prep, get prefrosh applications, and others. But one thing eats all’s minds more than anyone. The prospects of drug. Yes.
Administrative officiaries worry lots about heavier marijuana consumption than that which is most often seen throughout (and throughin) the curricular years. The drug, patented, could, they say, be laced, well, and this brings dangers of omen. Just last Sprung, administrations felt needs rescinding over 400 admissions of acceptance (and this rough estimate is just!). Michael Roth, President of the United States, had loads to say on the subject of Cali Green.
As to the question of legalization, congress is making mild progress.
For many, the new concerns brings omens of great hope and forthwith. But to many other student population members, it is a good thing. Notwithstanding the bad, nearly of course. One student writer of this article suggests to oficials: making room in budget for more weed. No, the man says, but the man failures to understand propriety techniques for basic production of pot. Silly.
Keelin Ryan ’14 says: “I don’t even listen to Matisyahu. Isn’t he Jewish?”
No, Ms. Ryan, but fret not. We will prevail again, just as we did during the 1960s, when we protested World War II.
Administrative officiaries worry lots about heavier marijuana consumption than that which is most often seen throughout (and throughin) the curricular years. The drug, patented, could, they say, be laced, well, and this brings dangers of omen. Just last Sprung, administrations felt needs rescinding over 400 admissions of acceptance (and this rough estimate is just!). Michael Roth, President of the United States, had loads to say on the subject of Cali Green.
As to the question of legalization, congress is making mild progress.
For many, the new concerns brings omens of great hope and forthwith. But to many other student population members, it is a good thing. Notwithstanding the bad, nearly of course. One student writer of this article suggests to oficials: making room in budget for more weed. No, the man says, but the man failures to understand propriety techniques for basic production of pot. Silly.
Keelin Ryan ’14 says: “I don’t even listen to Matisyahu. Isn’t he Jewish?”
No, Ms. Ryan, but fret not. We will prevail again, just as we did during the 1960s, when we protested World War II.
Prefrosh’s Mom Pretty Much Just Going To Ruin WesFest For Son
According to reliable sources close to the family, Janine Fisher P ’15 is planning to pretty much just completely ruin WesFest for her son, Alexander Fisher ’15.
“It’s fucking unbelievable,” said Alexander. “She wants to ‘accompany’ me to the Queer Nippleplay WESeminar. What the fuck, mom.”
“I told Alexander of course he may stay over with a current Wesleyan pupil,” Ms. Fisher explained. “But why is it so unreasonable for his uncle Paul to stay over, too? He’s one of the boys. He can even bring his Gameboy Color.”
Ms. Fisher claims she is not being overprotective.
“Safety is just my number one priority during WesleyanFest,” she added. “Alexander knows he’s allergic to green beans and SPF 60+ sunblock, but what if he forgets? College kids just get so carried away what with their smoking drugs and watching sex videocassettes.”
“It’s fucking unbelievable,” said Alexander. “She wants to ‘accompany’ me to the Queer Nippleplay WESeminar. What the fuck, mom.”
“I told Alexander of course he may stay over with a current Wesleyan pupil,” Ms. Fisher explained. “But why is it so unreasonable for his uncle Paul to stay over, too? He’s one of the boys. He can even bring his Gameboy Color.”
Ms. Fisher claims she is not being overprotective.
“Safety is just my number one priority during WesleyanFest,” she added. “Alexander knows he’s allergic to green beans and SPF 60+ sunblock, but what if he forgets? College kids just get so carried away what with their smoking drugs and watching sex videocassettes.”
Matisyahu Confused by Interest in Matisyahu
In an exclusive interview with the Ampersand on Tuesday, moderately successful post-Hasidic reggae artist Matisyahu expressed confusion regarding popular interest in Matisyahu on campus.
“I haven’t gotten excited about a Matisyahu show since 2004,” said performing artist Matisyahu, who seemed as baffled as everyone else by the overwhelming turnout at his March 12 performance at the Spurrier-Snyder Ice Rink. “Different strokes, I guess.”
The 31-year-old performer seemed especially bewildered by Wesleyan’s reaction to his mildly amusing April Fools’ prank.
“I mean, demanding $50,000 for a mediocre novelty act seemed funny at the time,” he added. “But, like—seriously, guys, do you want that money back now?”
Throughout the interview, Matisyahu expressed firm commitment to working with the Wesleyan community to ensure that something like Matisyahu does not happen again.
Chiddy Bang was not immediately available for comment due to their secret midnight performance with the Pistol Whip Orchestra in Eclectic’s prestigious Gote Room.
“I haven’t gotten excited about a Matisyahu show since 2004,” said performing artist Matisyahu, who seemed as baffled as everyone else by the overwhelming turnout at his March 12 performance at the Spurrier-Snyder Ice Rink. “Different strokes, I guess.”
The 31-year-old performer seemed especially bewildered by Wesleyan’s reaction to his mildly amusing April Fools’ prank.
“I mean, demanding $50,000 for a mediocre novelty act seemed funny at the time,” he added. “But, like—seriously, guys, do you want that money back now?”
Throughout the interview, Matisyahu expressed firm commitment to working with the Wesleyan community to ensure that something like Matisyahu does not happen again.
Chiddy Bang was not immediately available for comment due to their secret midnight performance with the Pistol Whip Orchestra in Eclectic’s prestigious Gote Room.
Student Goes Around Ruining End Of “The Pale King”
Tensions are running high on campus as sophomore Tom Sternberg forcibly and repeatedly reveals significant plot details from David Foster Wallace’s forthcoming posthumous novel, The Pale King.
The book, assembled from drafts Wallace worked on from 2000 until his death in 2008, is highly anticipated, and Sternberg has been roundly criticized for the “spoilers” he has been divulging at area release parties — events with games, face painting, pageantry, and elaborate costumes related to the characters of Wallace’s other works.
“Tom just showed up and started shouting,” said Matt Fent ’12. “Even though I tried to cover my ears, I still heard a lot of it. It sort of ruins the magic.” Fent, who wore only a bathing suit, said that his costume doubled as the unnamed protagonist of “Forever Overhead,” which he called an “experiment in second-person narration and use of extreme detail,” and that of the unnamed protagonist of “Death Is Not The End,” which he interprets as “an opaque commentary on the literary author as commodity.”
Wallace’s avid fandom has been widely expressed in many media, including websites, conventions, fan art, and fan fiction. On forums, interested readers speculate at length about plot clues and future character developments, posing questions such as, “Who dies? Who falls in love? Who is able to meaningfully express urgent moral truths in spite of the paralyzing self-awareness and irony that have inured American audiences (not to mention the writers themselves) to anything close to an expression of sentimentality?”
Many Wesleyan students now carry about costume broomsticks left over from releases of Harry Potter books and movies, both in reference to Wallace’s “maximalist metafictional romp” The Broom of the System, and as a means of fending off Sternberg. These efforts have been largely fruitless, however, as Sternberg arrives at release parties dressed as Joelle “Madame Psychosis” Van Dyne, a hideously disfigured experimental radio host—from Wallace’s 1079-page novel Infinite Jest—who wears a face-obscuring black veil.
It is not clear where Sternberg gained his information, but in his mission to reveal the ending of the novel (allegedly provoked by similar and sequential high school spoilings of The Scarlet Letter, The Great Gatsby, and Bull Durham), he is very persistent and cunning. Sarah Warde ’14 said that Sternberg surprised her as she was standing in the Pastabilities line at Usdan, where she dropped her carbonara in shock.
“I feel like I’ll still be able to enjoy the book,” Warde said, “but it’s never the same when you already know how it’s going to end. Like in Everything and More, Wallace’s book-length explanation of the history of the mathematical concept of infinity, when... I mean, I won’t say, in case you haven’t read it yet, but it’s dramatic.”
To avoid Sternberg’s plot-revealing comments, many frustrated students say they plan to cover their ears and repeat, “This is water, this is water,” until they have acquired and finished the book.
The book, assembled from drafts Wallace worked on from 2000 until his death in 2008, is highly anticipated, and Sternberg has been roundly criticized for the “spoilers” he has been divulging at area release parties — events with games, face painting, pageantry, and elaborate costumes related to the characters of Wallace’s other works.
“Tom just showed up and started shouting,” said Matt Fent ’12. “Even though I tried to cover my ears, I still heard a lot of it. It sort of ruins the magic.” Fent, who wore only a bathing suit, said that his costume doubled as the unnamed protagonist of “Forever Overhead,” which he called an “experiment in second-person narration and use of extreme detail,” and that of the unnamed protagonist of “Death Is Not The End,” which he interprets as “an opaque commentary on the literary author as commodity.”
Wallace’s avid fandom has been widely expressed in many media, including websites, conventions, fan art, and fan fiction. On forums, interested readers speculate at length about plot clues and future character developments, posing questions such as, “Who dies? Who falls in love? Who is able to meaningfully express urgent moral truths in spite of the paralyzing self-awareness and irony that have inured American audiences (not to mention the writers themselves) to anything close to an expression of sentimentality?”
Many Wesleyan students now carry about costume broomsticks left over from releases of Harry Potter books and movies, both in reference to Wallace’s “maximalist metafictional romp” The Broom of the System, and as a means of fending off Sternberg. These efforts have been largely fruitless, however, as Sternberg arrives at release parties dressed as Joelle “Madame Psychosis” Van Dyne, a hideously disfigured experimental radio host—from Wallace’s 1079-page novel Infinite Jest—who wears a face-obscuring black veil.
It is not clear where Sternberg gained his information, but in his mission to reveal the ending of the novel (allegedly provoked by similar and sequential high school spoilings of The Scarlet Letter, The Great Gatsby, and Bull Durham), he is very persistent and cunning. Sarah Warde ’14 said that Sternberg surprised her as she was standing in the Pastabilities line at Usdan, where she dropped her carbonara in shock.
“I feel like I’ll still be able to enjoy the book,” Warde said, “but it’s never the same when you already know how it’s going to end. Like in Everything and More, Wallace’s book-length explanation of the history of the mathematical concept of infinity, when... I mean, I won’t say, in case you haven’t read it yet, but it’s dramatic.”
To avoid Sternberg’s plot-revealing comments, many frustrated students say they plan to cover their ears and repeat, “This is water, this is water,” until they have acquired and finished the book.
Matisyahu Concert Sparks Controversy
True Matisyahu fans who attended Tuesday night’s concert at the hockey rink were not disappointed. But for students unaccustomed to the Hasidic Jewish reggae artist’s uncouth stage presence, reactions ranged from disappointment to genuine shock.
“He started doing ‘King Without a Crown’ and I thought I was going to cry, it was so awesome,” said Eli Meixler ’13. “He was all like ‘shiggy yiggy yo.’ I fucking love that part. But then instead of playing the guitar solo, he dropped his pants and started shoving a banana up his ass.”
Matisyahu then began to urinate into the crowd, gyrating rapidly at the waist in order to thoroughly spray everyone in the first three rows. The singer, who had been drinking heavily from a bottle of Manischewitz throughout the show, proceeded to smash it over his head and then roll in the shards of glass, covering himself with cuts and abrasions. A burqa-clad woman then emerged from offstage and squatted over Matisyahu’s bleeding body, violently spraying him with diarrhea.
Toward the end of the set, Matisyahu staggered to his feet and began to smear the wall with the mixture of liquid feces and blood. He drew an enormous “A” inscribed within a circle—a symbol commonly associated with anarchy. He then hurled himself into the audience and began running around on all fours.
“He was beatboxing the whole time,” added Meixler. “He can beatbox really well for a Hasid.”
One unlucky fan, Belinda Olinsky ’12, had to be taken to the hospital when, upon bearing her breasts so that Matisyahu could sign them, he instead took an enormous bite out of the skin over her sternum and then tore her ribcage open with his bare hands. Olinsky is expected to make a full recovery.“
At the very end, he got back on stage, and he and his bandmates all projectile vomited simultaneously on cue,” said Meixler. “It was actually kind of cool.”
Reactions were also mixed to opening act Chiddy Bang, who performed only a single MGMT-sampling indie rap jam before launching into an experimental dance performance set to John Cage’s “Aria.”
“He started doing ‘King Without a Crown’ and I thought I was going to cry, it was so awesome,” said Eli Meixler ’13. “He was all like ‘shiggy yiggy yo.’ I fucking love that part. But then instead of playing the guitar solo, he dropped his pants and started shoving a banana up his ass.”
Matisyahu then began to urinate into the crowd, gyrating rapidly at the waist in order to thoroughly spray everyone in the first three rows. The singer, who had been drinking heavily from a bottle of Manischewitz throughout the show, proceeded to smash it over his head and then roll in the shards of glass, covering himself with cuts and abrasions. A burqa-clad woman then emerged from offstage and squatted over Matisyahu’s bleeding body, violently spraying him with diarrhea.
Toward the end of the set, Matisyahu staggered to his feet and began to smear the wall with the mixture of liquid feces and blood. He drew an enormous “A” inscribed within a circle—a symbol commonly associated with anarchy. He then hurled himself into the audience and began running around on all fours.
“He was beatboxing the whole time,” added Meixler. “He can beatbox really well for a Hasid.”
One unlucky fan, Belinda Olinsky ’12, had to be taken to the hospital when, upon bearing her breasts so that Matisyahu could sign them, he instead took an enormous bite out of the skin over her sternum and then tore her ribcage open with his bare hands. Olinsky is expected to make a full recovery.“
At the very end, he got back on stage, and he and his bandmates all projectile vomited simultaneously on cue,” said Meixler. “It was actually kind of cool.”
Reactions were also mixed to opening act Chiddy Bang, who performed only a single MGMT-sampling indie rap jam before launching into an experimental dance performance set to John Cage’s “Aria.”
Haunting & Taunting: Undead Marijuana Victim Fucks With Prefrosh
Now is the time of year when we celebrate everything awesome about Wesleyan, along with the new faces that will eventually represent it. It is a happy time, but for the few prefrosh who meet the ghost of Joey O’Shallahan, it can be weird as shit.
Few people know that the only person ever to have overdosed on marijuana was actually a Wesleyan prefrosh named Joey O’Shallahan. In April 1983, Joey decided to visit his cousin Seamus during WesFest.
After hitting the bong “like five times” and spending two hours in the “Dutch Oven” (ask your parents), he kept repeating, “No, I don’t want to go see Mr. Mom.”
Joey went to chill on Foss Hill, but he was just too high. Some say he melted into the Hill, some say he evaporated. End of story: he is (un)dead, haunting the shit out of other prefrosh. He talks to them in a voice that sounds like Bobby from “King of the Hill.”
Joey really wanted to come to Wesleyan, so he is pretty jealous tends to come off as a dick. A prefrosh I hosted last year described to me his encounter with Joey:
“We were in Weshop trying to buy some Ben & Jerry’s when Joey appeared to my prefrosh and started saying all these douchey things like ‘Hey, I bet you don’t even know what FGSS stands for,’ and ‘Did you know there’s a one dollar ine for eating candy in Weshop?’”
So if you think your prefrosh is talking to an imaginary friend, just realize that this is Joey O’Shallahan.
Few people know that the only person ever to have overdosed on marijuana was actually a Wesleyan prefrosh named Joey O’Shallahan. In April 1983, Joey decided to visit his cousin Seamus during WesFest.
After hitting the bong “like five times” and spending two hours in the “Dutch Oven” (ask your parents), he kept repeating, “No, I don’t want to go see Mr. Mom.”
Joey went to chill on Foss Hill, but he was just too high. Some say he melted into the Hill, some say he evaporated. End of story: he is (un)dead, haunting the shit out of other prefrosh. He talks to them in a voice that sounds like Bobby from “King of the Hill.”
Joey really wanted to come to Wesleyan, so he is pretty jealous tends to come off as a dick. A prefrosh I hosted last year described to me his encounter with Joey:
“We were in Weshop trying to buy some Ben & Jerry’s when Joey appeared to my prefrosh and started saying all these douchey things like ‘Hey, I bet you don’t even know what FGSS stands for,’ and ‘Did you know there’s a one dollar ine for eating candy in Weshop?’”
So if you think your prefrosh is talking to an imaginary friend, just realize that this is Joey O’Shallahan.
4/5/11
Public Safety Report - 4/8/11 (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)
On Friday, April 8, at 1:14 am, we received an anonymous tip reporting loud music coming from President Roth's High Street home. Fearing student vandalism, Lieutenant Hawkins and I, Officer Johnson, reported to the scene immediately.
When we approached the house, we heard loud music of the dubstep genre being played from speakers located on the ground floor. We did a quick preliminary sweep of the premises before approaching the front door. Lieutenant Hawkins knocked twice, but there was no reply. I also knocked, but no one responded. When there was no response after five minutes, Lieutenant Hawkins opened the door and we entered the house.
Immediately upon entering, we were overcome by the strong smells of alcohol and marijuana. As we walked toward the source of the music, we found ourselves in a strobe-lit living room full of smoke and people. As soon as we stepped into the doorway, someone yelled "PSAFE! EVERYONE RUN!" and chaos broke out. A chair was thrown through a first-story building, and figures began jumping out of it. The one who initially yelled was later identified as a heavily intoxicated Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs Richard T. Culliton.
Lieutenant Hawkins approached a student and asked who was throwing the party. The student declared that it was President Roth's birthday party before telling us to fuck either ourselves or each other, depending on which we preferred. When we asked where the President was, he said that he wasn't around. When we asked the student to clarify, he repeated his vulgar suggestion and jumped out one of three broken windows.
We moved through the party requesting IDs, but all the time looking for President Roth. Sometime between our unfortunate encounter with Dean Mike Whaley and our reaching the back of the room, we saw a tall, bespectacled woman jump from the second story to the ground. As we ran to the window, we saw that it was not a woman at all, but President Roth dressed in a long pink dress and carrying a homemade wand. When we asked him if we could talk to him, President Roth began running across Andrus Field.
Lieutenant Hawkins agreed to stay behind and break up the party if I pursed President Roth. I chased him across campus to where he used his key card to enter WestCollege Unit 3. Roth declared several times, "Boom, boom. I will work my magic. I will not be caught" while continuing to flee from me.
I managed to corner him twenty minutes later in the tunnels below Butterfield B. When I asked him what happened at his house, he only said, "a hell of a good time," and refused to clarify. At the time of his apprehension, he was also wearing only one shoe, a sock on his hand, and elbow pads. He refused to answer any of our questions, simply saying, "Life can be dangerous."
We recorded Michael Roth's Wes ID number and filed this PSafe report, charging him with serving alcohol to minors, drinking alcohol from open containers ourdoors on campus, and smoking of illegal substances on campus property. However, given the unprecedented nature of this report, Lieutenant Hawkins and I have done nothing in the disciplinary realm; sending President Roth before the SJB would be unfortunate since he holds the power to pardon himself. We have decided to simply avoid discussion on the incident and hope that it will never be repeated.
When we approached the house, we heard loud music of the dubstep genre being played from speakers located on the ground floor. We did a quick preliminary sweep of the premises before approaching the front door. Lieutenant Hawkins knocked twice, but there was no reply. I also knocked, but no one responded. When there was no response after five minutes, Lieutenant Hawkins opened the door and we entered the house.
Immediately upon entering, we were overcome by the strong smells of alcohol and marijuana. As we walked toward the source of the music, we found ourselves in a strobe-lit living room full of smoke and people. As soon as we stepped into the doorway, someone yelled "PSAFE! EVERYONE RUN!" and chaos broke out. A chair was thrown through a first-story building, and figures began jumping out of it. The one who initially yelled was later identified as a heavily intoxicated Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs Richard T. Culliton.
Lieutenant Hawkins approached a student and asked who was throwing the party. The student declared that it was President Roth's birthday party before telling us to fuck either ourselves or each other, depending on which we preferred. When we asked where the President was, he said that he wasn't around. When we asked the student to clarify, he repeated his vulgar suggestion and jumped out one of three broken windows.
We moved through the party requesting IDs, but all the time looking for President Roth. Sometime between our unfortunate encounter with Dean Mike Whaley and our reaching the back of the room, we saw a tall, bespectacled woman jump from the second story to the ground. As we ran to the window, we saw that it was not a woman at all, but President Roth dressed in a long pink dress and carrying a homemade wand. When we asked him if we could talk to him, President Roth began running across Andrus Field.
Lieutenant Hawkins agreed to stay behind and break up the party if I pursed President Roth. I chased him across campus to where he used his key card to enter WestCollege Unit 3. Roth declared several times, "Boom, boom. I will work my magic. I will not be caught" while continuing to flee from me.
I managed to corner him twenty minutes later in the tunnels below Butterfield B. When I asked him what happened at his house, he only said, "a hell of a good time," and refused to clarify. At the time of his apprehension, he was also wearing only one shoe, a sock on his hand, and elbow pads. He refused to answer any of our questions, simply saying, "Life can be dangerous."
We recorded Michael Roth's Wes ID number and filed this PSafe report, charging him with serving alcohol to minors, drinking alcohol from open containers ourdoors on campus, and smoking of illegal substances on campus property. However, given the unprecedented nature of this report, Lieutenant Hawkins and I have done nothing in the disciplinary realm; sending President Roth before the SJB would be unfortunate since he holds the power to pardon himself. We have decided to simply avoid discussion on the incident and hope that it will never be repeated.
Glorious President Roth Celebrates Birthday, Earth Trembles (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)
Our Esteemed Leader Michael Roth celebrated his birthday this week, and as was to be expected, the effects were felt the world over. At least five volcanoes erupted at the stroke of midnight on April 8th. In addition, one thousand cardinals were sighted over South College flying in the shape of an M, no doubt a divine symbol of our President’s power.
“It was...the...most [beautiful] thing I’d...ever [seen],” said Audrey Park ’14, echoing the sentiments of all her classmates. These noble workers striving ever onward to the fulfillment of President Roth’s Glorious Vision also noted that the flowers of the gardens bloomed on this auspicious day, and the internet was faster than ever.
The Wesleyan Student Assembly announced today that in honor of this monumental good fortune bestowed upon them by “their Supreme Benefactor, we have gladly agreed to sacrifice half of our meals that they may go towards accomplishing the President’s Esteemed Four Year Plan.” Upon the announcement, a cheer arose among the representatives at the opportunity to assist the Great President and his administration.
“Truly, we are blessed by his presence on this campus,” said High Minister Andy Tanaka at a banquet honoring the occasion. “Without his guidance, we would doubtless fall prey to the machinations of the imperialist dogs of Vassar and the bourgeois greed of the University of Connecticut. The depths of my happiness at the knowledge of his eternal life know no bounds!”
President Roth was unable to attend the celebration, but an aide was sent on his behalf with the following message: “My heart fills with joy at the devotion and spontaneity behind these events. I unfortunately cannot attend, as I must fulfill a previous commitment I have made to some remote villagers who are being terrorized by a 20-foot tall, fire-breathing half-bear half-snake demon. While I slay the beast, know that all Wesleyan students reside in my heart forever.” The ceremony ended with the unanimous and completely organic 2-hour long chanting of the phrase “Our Great Leader possesses eternal life!”
“It was...the...most [beautiful] thing I’d...ever [seen],” said Audrey Park ’14, echoing the sentiments of all her classmates. These noble workers striving ever onward to the fulfillment of President Roth’s Glorious Vision also noted that the flowers of the gardens bloomed on this auspicious day, and the internet was faster than ever.
The Wesleyan Student Assembly announced today that in honor of this monumental good fortune bestowed upon them by “their Supreme Benefactor, we have gladly agreed to sacrifice half of our meals that they may go towards accomplishing the President’s Esteemed Four Year Plan.” Upon the announcement, a cheer arose among the representatives at the opportunity to assist the Great President and his administration.
“Truly, we are blessed by his presence on this campus,” said High Minister Andy Tanaka at a banquet honoring the occasion. “Without his guidance, we would doubtless fall prey to the machinations of the imperialist dogs of Vassar and the bourgeois greed of the University of Connecticut. The depths of my happiness at the knowledge of his eternal life know no bounds!”
President Roth was unable to attend the celebration, but an aide was sent on his behalf with the following message: “My heart fills with joy at the devotion and spontaneity behind these events. I unfortunately cannot attend, as I must fulfill a previous commitment I have made to some remote villagers who are being terrorized by a 20-foot tall, fire-breathing half-bear half-snake demon. While I slay the beast, know that all Wesleyan students reside in my heart forever.” The ceremony ended with the unanimous and completely organic 2-hour long chanting of the phrase “Our Great Leader possesses eternal life!”
Roth’s Birthday Nip Slip Astounds North College
Sources inside North College report that university president Michael Roth experienced a wardrobe malfunction yesterday as he walked though the glass connector between North and South Colleges, briefly exposing both of his nipples to the chill morning air.
“We’re still trying to figure out exactly what happened,” said Esteemed Medievalist Gary Shaw, who is serving his fourth consecutive term as Dean of Roth’s Wardrobe. “It’s a real puzzler; there were so many factors involved.”
Immediately following the malfunction, which several North College administrators witnessed, Roth announced that he would launch an inquiry to prevent the mistake from reoccurring.
“We’re using the best technology available in the university’s Quantitative Analysis Center,” said Roth, in an email to the Ampersand. “We’ve created some multilayered algorithms that should help us run various models, which in turn will help us piece together some answers.”
But so far, the inquiry has only raised more questions.
“To be honest, this incident has forced us to reconsider our entire approach,” said Shaw. “I used to tell Michael: when you get dressed in the morning, think Aslan the Lion meets Hilary Clinton meets Reservoir Dogs. All this in a abstract, emotional sense, of course. But after what happened, those sorts of icons really won’t cut it anymore. Now we’re going for more of a samurai/steampunk thing.”
Above: Roth’s prior wardrobe malfunction occurred as he stepped from his private yacht on the Connecticut River.
The Making of a President: The Conception of Michael Roth
Isaac had not enjoyed the week leading up to his nephew Ezra’s Bar Mitzvah. A bad sinus infection, his dismissal from the insurance firm where he had worked for the past few years, and the discovery that his divorce lawyer had been getting off with his ex-wife had amounted to a veritable clusterfuck that was systematically tearing apart his life. That the week had ended in a seemingly interminable plane ride to Evanston, IL, during which he twice had to sneak off to the particularly pungent bathroom for some muffled weeping, had certainly not improved things in the slightest. Upon meeting him at the airport, his brother Abe had droned on with a characteristic smugness, giving Isaac a full account of his work at a brutally uninteresting financial advisory firm and Ezra’s painstaking preparation for “manhood,” a word that he ritualistically repeated until he sounded suspiciously like Isaac’s ex-wife. Now there was nothing left for Isaac to do but make clumsy attempts to recline in the spartan, uncomfortable pews and visualize Ezra’s recitation of the story of David and Bathsheba, certainly the most titillating of all Torah portions.
“Oh yes, Bathsheba,” Isaac thought to himself, “I have sent your husband away to die and now you will lie with me, the king of Israel and Judah.”
In the next pew over, sat Ester, the zaftig local Hebrew teacher, who had begun to take vested interest in Isaac’s bulging dress pants. Ester had drank a couple too many bottles of Manischewitz on the car ride over, still unable to get over the good news of her sister’s engagement to a respectable man who had the unbeatable combination of a distinguished jawbone and a BMW. Extending her neck and darting her bloodshot eyes about like a meerkat, she scanned the synagogue for anyone not minding their own business, than tentatively lay her hand on Isaac’s crotch. Their eyes met in an awkward tempest of confused passion.
As Ezra explained what his torah portion meant to him, something about the preeminence of family and academic integrity, Isaac and Ester quietly stole off, one at a time, to the synagogue’s most remote handicapped bathroom. Averting eye contact, Isaac passionately threw off his yarmulke, revealing his balding crown, then wiggled out of his pants. She violently burst forth from her dress, which was perhaps a size or two too small, and thrust herself upon him like a tigress. They fell to the floor and began humping with a cheerful exuberance. She kept her socks on out of insecurities about her toes, which were webbed like a frog’s. He took note of the floor, certainly the most hygienic of any bathroom in the county, a true testament to the piousness of the synagogue’s community and the quiet dignity of the disabled. It was not the best climax of Isaac’s life, but it would, in the scheme of things, turn out to be his last.
Meanwhile, a giant cardinal flew over Brooklyn and descended at the doorstep of Morton and Isabelle Roth. With great effort it expelled a large, speckled egg from its rear. The mystified Roth couple took the egg into their abode and protected it. Eight weeks later, a beautiful boychild emerged from his shell. The couple was amazed, overjoyed, and relieved. They could now experience the joys of parenthood without spoiling the purity and moral cleanliness of their marital bed, which would indeed remain preserved by the Roth’s unconsummated union.
“Oh yes, Bathsheba,” Isaac thought to himself, “I have sent your husband away to die and now you will lie with me, the king of Israel and Judah.”
In the next pew over, sat Ester, the zaftig local Hebrew teacher, who had begun to take vested interest in Isaac’s bulging dress pants. Ester had drank a couple too many bottles of Manischewitz on the car ride over, still unable to get over the good news of her sister’s engagement to a respectable man who had the unbeatable combination of a distinguished jawbone and a BMW. Extending her neck and darting her bloodshot eyes about like a meerkat, she scanned the synagogue for anyone not minding their own business, than tentatively lay her hand on Isaac’s crotch. Their eyes met in an awkward tempest of confused passion.
As Ezra explained what his torah portion meant to him, something about the preeminence of family and academic integrity, Isaac and Ester quietly stole off, one at a time, to the synagogue’s most remote handicapped bathroom. Averting eye contact, Isaac passionately threw off his yarmulke, revealing his balding crown, then wiggled out of his pants. She violently burst forth from her dress, which was perhaps a size or two too small, and thrust herself upon him like a tigress. They fell to the floor and began humping with a cheerful exuberance. She kept her socks on out of insecurities about her toes, which were webbed like a frog’s. He took note of the floor, certainly the most hygienic of any bathroom in the county, a true testament to the piousness of the synagogue’s community and the quiet dignity of the disabled. It was not the best climax of Isaac’s life, but it would, in the scheme of things, turn out to be his last.
Meanwhile, a giant cardinal flew over Brooklyn and descended at the doorstep of Morton and Isabelle Roth. With great effort it expelled a large, speckled egg from its rear. The mystified Roth couple took the egg into their abode and protected it. Eight weeks later, a beautiful boychild emerged from his shell. The couple was amazed, overjoyed, and relieved. They could now experience the joys of parenthood without spoiling the purity and moral cleanliness of their marital bed, which would indeed remain preserved by the Roth’s unconsummated union.
Roth Just Casually Wondering if Elton John is Available for Spring Fling
Sources close to President Roth confirmed yesterday that the 54-year-old university administrator has been “just casually wondering if Elton John might possibly be available to perform at Spring Fling,” possibly going so far as to “you know, just browse by his Myspace.com website, no big deal.” Roth assured that he is not questioning the Social Committee’s lineup. “Just, y’know, out of curiosity,” Roth clarified via email. “It’s not like I don’t think our lineup is cool or anything. The Wavve-Tang Clan definitely brings down the house.” John, 64, is scheduled to tour Minnesota and Canada in early May and will not be performing at Wesleyan.
New Michael Roth Tumblr Just Pictures of Roth Smiling
Authorities uncovered a highly disturbing Tumblr.com account this weekend, which they believe to belong to President Roth.
Titled “Roth Has Smiles,” the blog features extensive photography of Roth smiling in various locations around both his house and the globe.
“We’re not sure what could have driven him to this point,” explained Director of Media Relations David Pesci. “But we’re all hideously appalled.”
President Roth could not be reached for comment; he is thought to be busy practicing smiling while performing various gymnastic stances in his office in South College.
Titled “Roth Has Smiles,” the blog features extensive photography of Roth smiling in various locations around both his house and the globe.
“We’re not sure what could have driven him to this point,” explained Director of Media Relations David Pesci. “But we’re all hideously appalled.”
President Roth could not be reached for comment; he is thought to be busy practicing smiling while performing various gymnastic stances in his office in South College.
An Email from Joshua Boger, Chairman of the Board, Regarding Michael Roth’s Contract Extension
On March 1st, I sent out an email to the Wesleyan community announcing that Michael Roth’s contract has been extended for another seven years. Many faculty and student assumed that we meant seven more years of President Roth, but this is not the case. We apologize for the lack of clarity in our previous message.
I was referring to Michael Elias Roth, the chimneysweep who cleans the Usdan chimneys every other Sunday. Over the course of his illustrious seven-month career, Mr. Roth’s dedication and sticktoitiveness have garnered the attention of the administration and we feel the urge to reward him. When we began hiring for various staff positions at the university, we never knew we’d see somebody so enthusiastic about—and also so skilled at—a job that seemed, at least to us, so depressing.
But when we first interviewed Mr. Roth for the job, we knew right away that we were in for a treat. Roth has a kind of “whistle-while-you-work” demeanor that evokes the spirit of Bert from Mary Poppins. His passion for chimneysweeping is truly inspiring, to the point that community members have even commented.
In addition to the contract extension, Michael Elias Roth will also be receiving a new email address: mroth3000@wesleyan.edu.
I was referring to Michael Elias Roth, the chimneysweep who cleans the Usdan chimneys every other Sunday. Over the course of his illustrious seven-month career, Mr. Roth’s dedication and sticktoitiveness have garnered the attention of the administration and we feel the urge to reward him. When we began hiring for various staff positions at the university, we never knew we’d see somebody so enthusiastic about—and also so skilled at—a job that seemed, at least to us, so depressing.
But when we first interviewed Mr. Roth for the job, we knew right away that we were in for a treat. Roth has a kind of “whistle-while-you-work” demeanor that evokes the spirit of Bert from Mary Poppins. His passion for chimneysweeping is truly inspiring, to the point that community members have even commented.
In addition to the contract extension, Michael Elias Roth will also be receiving a new email address: mroth3000@wesleyan.edu.
Roth Still Drinks Breast Milk
This week, an Ampersand investigation uncovered a shocking facet of university president Michael Roth’s otherwise-impeccable lifestyle: he has yet to wean himself off of breast milk.
A series of desperate request forms posted in Usdan, ranging from “BRST MLK PLZ,” to “Supply breast milk or I will ire you,” tipped off Bon Appetit that a culinary nonconformist hides among us. Then on Saturday, Fat Lisa ’13, the only sober student at Late Night, spotted the sobbing President rummaging behind the fruit bins in the refrigerators.
Cranky Roth has even turned to Twitter to voice his complaints, tweeting, “Quench my thirst with what I knew first,” “Moo Juice < Mom Juice,” and “this just in… another cosmic fastball from theMind of your fav Warlock; #Breastmilk. #Winning.”
Like newborns, President Roth must be fed every two hours, and his harem of wet nurses resigned earlier this week when the teeth marks and demanding schedule became too much to handle. Roth’s Nanny, Carly McMahon, says that she will work with the culinary manchild in the coming weeks on developing a taste for solid foods. In the meantime, however, guests at Friday’s birthday bash should avoid the tres leches.
A series of desperate request forms posted in Usdan, ranging from “BRST MLK PLZ,” to “Supply breast milk or I will ire you,” tipped off Bon Appetit that a culinary nonconformist hides among us. Then on Saturday, Fat Lisa ’13, the only sober student at Late Night, spotted the sobbing President rummaging behind the fruit bins in the refrigerators.
Cranky Roth has even turned to Twitter to voice his complaints, tweeting, “Quench my thirst with what I knew first,” “Moo Juice < Mom Juice,” and “this just in… another cosmic fastball from theMind of your fav Warlock; #Breastmilk. #Winning.”
Like newborns, President Roth must be fed every two hours, and his harem of wet nurses resigned earlier this week when the teeth marks and demanding schedule became too much to handle. Roth’s Nanny, Carly McMahon, says that she will work with the culinary manchild in the coming weeks on developing a taste for solid foods. In the meantime, however, guests at Friday’s birthday bash should avoid the tres leches.
Other Shit That Happened on April Eighth
April 8th, Michael Roth’s birthday, could in fact be one of the worst days of all time. Honestly, Michael, you should be ashamed.
- On this day in 1906, the first person to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease died. Oh, have a bigger piece of cake, Mikey! There’s more where that came from!
- In 1908, Harvard University voted to establish the Harvard Business School. The stars had aligned: on this day, hordes of elitist, gladhanding college graduates were given the opportunity to continue their douchebaggery in a new building. And then, 49 years later, our esteemed President was born!
- In 1916, racecar driver Bob Burman crashed on the track, killing three spectators. What time’s the party at?
- In 1970, Israeli bombers struck an Egyptian school, killing 46 children who were probably napping, coloring outside the lines, enjoying snack time, or doing something else cute. How’s that doctorate in the history of history taste, Michael? Just saying.
- In 1973, Pablo Picasso dropped dead at a dinner party. What? Your new Kindle has a color screen? I heard you can get magazines on that thing!
- Fifty-eight people with Wikipedia articles died on April 8. That’s way too many.
3/30/11
"I Have Sex"
A new video from campus group Wesleyan Untrimmed:
The Ampersand stands with Planned Parenthood. Sign the petition!
The Ampersand stands with Planned Parenthood. Sign the petition!
3/29/11
A Note from the Editors
FOP X AXZSKRR. PQXR XR DY UTKY CKPPKS VQXLQ KWK-SNUYK XY NUOS RYXWKCXYZ LCDRR VXCC SKLKXWK, FOPXB NUO LDY ORK PQK REXCCR UB FLAMETHROWING VK’SKZXWXYZ NUO PU FOSY DVDN PQK BDCRK ROSBDLK UB PQXRJKRRDZK-- VKCC, PQKY, LUYZSDPOCDPXUYR—NUO’SKMORP D LOP DFUWK KWKSNUYK KCRK. FOP VK LDY QKCTNUO JDEK PQDP LOP DY XYLXRXUY, DYA PQKY D VUOYA,DYA PQKY UQ, RU JOLQ JUSK. XP’R UOS TSUJXRK PU NUO.
— Zachary and Benjamin
— Zachary and Benjamin
Tweet from Piers
It may be because I haven’t eaten one in a while, but the whole mango I diced for lunch today left me feeling discomposed.. —Piers
An Email From The Davison Health Center (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)
It’s nearing that time of year again: allergy season!
As midterms wind down and prep begins for Spring Fling and WesFest, we want to make sure you take special care of yourselves, so we’ve decided to compile a list of tricks and tips for the spring.
As midterms wind down and prep begins for Spring Fling and WesFest, we want to make sure you take special care of yourselves, so we’ve decided to compile a list of tricks and tips for the spring.
- Try your best to exercise regularly.
- Eat healthfully.
- Practice safe sex (in your rooms).
- Only use a Fleshlight if it is your own. The Fleshlights found lying around the Butts tunnels have probably been used and so it is likely they are suppositories for disease. Don’t touch them.
- If you suffer from seasonal allergies, take one, and no more than one, Claritin daily.
- Those of you in Clark with windows facing Olin: close your blinds at night.
- Remember that “going home” is a baseball term. Home plate on Andrus is not a place for orgies. Nor are any of the other bases for that matter.
- Professor Charleston, in the Humanities Department, left a stack of term papers on his desk when he exited his office last Monday night, and when he came back the next morning, they were stuck there. Do not let this become a habit.
- Just because Obama spoke on that podium doesn’t mean it is okay to fuck there. Thanks in advance!
- As the days pass, it’s going to get hotter, so remember to stay constantly hydrated.
- WesBreasts: The Movie is hardly an appropriate title for a senior thesis film.
- Several students reported vomiting after ingesting some viscous substance in the Usdan pesto. If you’re working in the vegan section at Usdan, you are to be doing your job and nothing else.
Smoking Is Bad (ONLINE X-KLOO-SIEVE)
Here at the Ampersand we can’t claim to everything, but some things we can are responsible research methods and insightful journalism with an eye toward the public’s wellbeing. It is with this higher calling in mind that the Ampersand Editorial Staff spent it’s entire annual budget on cigarettes (and incurred one $3,000 debt in judicial bail), Why, you might ask? Was it the realization that the Office of Internal Studies is both less efficient and more personally antagonizing than the DMV? That a CSS/Film Studies double major won’t in any way convince someone to hire you? That there’s not a thing about a black-light dance party that we actually enjoy? For You. We did it for You. Because Smoking isn’t just bad for your health:
1 As in, morally reprehensible. Like state lotto’s. Or cheese from an aerosol can. Or corporate advertisements beamed into Space.
2 Johnny Depp smokes cloves. And it will never matter how wealthy and long-lashed and indifferent you can look while doing so, you will never be cool smoking cloves.
3 Smokers Quarterly, Vol. 19, Num. IV, “Cigarette Replaces Man’s Best Friend: Costs Less, Walks More,” p. 61. Southern Methodist University Press: Corpus Christi, 1987.
Smoking is Bad1
(Title)
- Let’s take care of this one immediately. Smoking is addictive. And not in the “OMG How I Met Your Mother is SUCH an addictive show! And now that all 8 Seasons are available on Hulu there’s no way I can focus long enough to take the breath at the end of this sentence! Gotta Go watch NPH KThnxBye!” sense, but more in the “WHAT!? It’sONLYbeen14minutes sincemylast CIGARETTE HOWisthatevenPOSSIBLE? I haven’tsleptin82HOURS andcannot focus ona SINGLEGODDAMN THING” more-addictive-than-cocaine” kind of addictive.
- People say: Smoking Makes You Cool, and All the Cool Kids Do It, and Johnny Depp Smokes Cigarettes2 and He was in Pirates of the Caribbean; Do not listen to these people because These People are Wrong. The less glamorous truth is that Smoking is a leading cause of fat chicks and friendlessness.3
- Smoking will NOT make you sound smarter while talking about an Ishiguro novel you only read the back of.
- Police interrogations are just as terrifying without cigarettes.
- Cigarettes have caused every California wildfire since 1872.
- 100% of Smokers die.
- Also, Stephen Hawking died of cigarettes.
- Smoking will not cause a harem of hipster princesses to spontaneously materialize around you. See: Cocaine, underwhelming music, greasy hair.
- ……….
- (Cigarette break)
1 As in, morally reprehensible. Like state lotto’s. Or cheese from an aerosol can. Or corporate advertisements beamed into Space.
2 Johnny Depp smokes cloves. And it will never matter how wealthy and long-lashed and indifferent you can look while doing so, you will never be cool smoking cloves.
3 Smokers Quarterly, Vol. 19, Num. IV, “Cigarette Replaces Man’s Best Friend: Costs Less, Walks More,” p. 61. Southern Methodist University Press: Corpus Christi, 1987.
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