This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Student Addicted to Class Participation

Wesleyan senior Chris Verbosim has fallen into the depths of a tragic disorder: addiction to class participation.

“Once it takes hold, there's only one way out,” the Davison Health Center reported. "The bullet."
His condition began as innocent but persistent hand-raising. “At first, I thought he was just another annoying case of over-share,” said one professor. “But then he started talking all the fucking time, and I realized I was dead wrong.”

Chris’s addiction became apparent when he stopped raising his hand altogether and began blurting out pseudo-insightful remarks every minute or so. He also started interrupting other students' comments with snide retorts, snarky rebuttals, and high-pitched throat-clearing.

Chris then became obsessed with academic buzzwords and lost control over his speech, often using phrases such as “metaphysical reflexivity,” “the Western canon,” “counter-hegemonic,” “arch relativism,” and “your mom's dickhole” all in one sentence. Chris attempted to downplay the severity of his pretension by hedging the beginning of his comments with false modesty, using leaders such as, “Forgive me if I’m mistaken…” and "It's pretty basic, but..."

Hearing the news of Chris’s situation, his classmates expressed deep concern. “Wait, what? I thought that guy was the professor,” said one between games of cell-phone Tetris.

Fearing the disorder may be contagious, President Michael Roth has ordered Chris to be quarantined. Three of Chris’s four professors have filed restraining orders. The fourth has required that the student wear a muzzle in class.


A word on Giant Joint

The representative of the so-called Green party at Wesleyan, Giant Joint, has recently been lit up all over campus. He's been around for years, but he's never been as fat as he is today. I remember his smaller but devoted following during my freshman year of '06-'07, and his popularity has grown steadily since, unlike the number of WesWings specials over the same period -- their pasta sauce is an insult to Italians who, by the way, invented the word for vendetta.

Now, there is no doubt that Mr. Joint has entered our hearts and brains, taking us on adventures to hallowed lands of Bob Marley and cheese popcorn. There is no doubting his generosity and phallic resemblance, but I'm worried about his politics.

Now I'd like to remark on the WSA for a second. It theoretically functions as a liaison between the students and administration, but it's obviously imperfect, as shown, for example by the recent miscommunication about fire-safety inspections. Thus, the WSA has other, more practical uses to the student body. The first and most important is as something to piss on. When things go wrong, we blame the WSA, who in turn blames the administration. It's a straight line of bitch bitch bitch, but one that we can't afford to break. If the WSA weren't there to whine at the president, then we, the people, would have to do it ourselves. Electing Giant Joint would be showing the administration that the WSA is inept and constituent-less, which as of now can neither be confirmed or denied.

Think of the children, the bright-eyed and skinny-jeaned '14ers who want to have as much irresponsible fun as we've all had, and without consequence, as college should be. Giant Joint has the capacity to bring students together, but he won't save us when Mike "the Professor" Roth decides he knows what's best for everyone and becomes Mike "the Terminator." If we put too much faith in our friendly but totally inanimate candidate, Giant Joint, Wes will suffer.

So please, vote for real people. Keep Giant Joint out of office and where he belongs: on Foss Hill.