Wesleyan senior Chris Verbosim has fallen into the depths of a tragic disorder: addiction to class participation.
“Once it takes hold, there's only one way out,” the Davison Health Center reported. "The bullet."
His condition began as innocent but persistent hand-raising. “At first, I thought he was just another annoying case of over-share,” said one professor. “But then he started talking all the fucking time, and I realized I was dead wrong.”
Chris’s addiction became apparent when he stopped raising his hand altogether and began blurting out pseudo-insightful remarks every minute or so. He also started interrupting other students' comments with snide retorts, snarky rebuttals, and high-pitched throat-clearing.
Chris then became obsessed with academic buzzwords and lost control over his speech, often using phrases such as “metaphysical reflexivity,” “the Western canon,” “counter-hegemonic,” “arch relativism,” and “your mom's dickhole” all in one sentence. Chris attempted to downplay the severity of his pretension by hedging the beginning of his comments with false modesty, using leaders such as, “Forgive me if I’m mistaken…” and "It's pretty basic, but..."
Hearing the news of Chris’s situation, his classmates expressed deep concern. “Wait, what? I thought that guy was the professor,” said one between games of cell-phone Tetris.
Fearing the disorder may be contagious, President Michael Roth has ordered Chris to be quarantined. Three of Chris’s four professors have filed restraining orders. The fourth has required that the student wear a muzzle in class.