This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Editor on Crime and Punishment

The way ancient civilizations punished crime was fanciful, romantic even. Steal some oats, get ripped apart by the stallions who would’ve eaten them. Slander a public official, lose your children in the night. They appreciated the sting of irony back then. Today, though, we live in an age of passive aggression. Legal punishments are basically just time outs with all the free tattoos and sloppy joes you can handle. I mean, prison used to be the punishment for public crying. We need a change, to stop punishing our criminals in such counterproductive ways. As I see it, we’ve got millions of contestants for new Japanese game shows. The kind in which participants are humiliated to a background of ear-splitting audience laughter. We could drop them in huge tubs of melted chocolate, naked, and see how they struggle. Or imagine a serial murderer attempting a motorcycle jump into a flock of pigeons while on fire. That way, they’re giving back to America by supplying the best medicine of all. Mr. Obama, recycle your felons.


Points Of View

California may vote to completely decriminalize marijuana in their 2010 state election. What do you think?

They had the right idea--my roommate used to have this disease where she didn’t eat all my goddamn hummus and pita chips all the fucking time!
– Jessica Braun ’12

I can’t wait to hop on this bandwagon!
– Kevin Christiansen, Marlboro CEO

So what? I almost died from an industrial accident last week.
– Jeremy Skoller ’13

Public Safety: Keep Sexual Adventures Where They Belong, in the Butts

Public Safety is planning to crack down on what they have deemed an epidemic of sexual misconduct in academic buildings. “It has come to our attention via an anonymous source that weekly, extremely horny students are pleasured in Exley Science Center and the Olin Library Stacks. We urge the students to keep it zipped outside your residence halls.” The new focus is based on the newly established fact that most of the student body is vehemently dtf. The incidents are often unplanned, which can make it difficult to track down those who are “looking for a messy fuck in the Sexley bathrooms.” Public Safety warns that they are quickly acquiring more data about where the most common occurrences are happening, and that students should seriously reconsider any future plans for a Sixth Floorgasm in Exley. Recently, however, the reliability of Public Safety’s informants has been called into question. In response to this accusation, a Public Safety representative responded, “No, seriously! I mean…yeah, shit, you’re probably right.” The Public Safety representative wished to remain anonymous.

ΔKE Suffers Tragic Downfall Because of Ancient A-hole

As retribution for an act of hubris in millennia past, the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity suffered nemesis this past Wednesday as Todd Armand ’11 attacked Mike Douglass ’10 in a covetous rage for the House Manager title.

ΔKE can trace its lineage all the way back to the 5th century BC, to its founding member, Broesus of Miletus: a great athlete of his time, winner of Olympiads, and reported lover of “adolescent stamina.” As it became clear that none could rival him in trials of strength or intellect, Broesus’ pride grew too great.
Legend has it that prior to a nude discus competition, Broesus consulted the Oracle at Delphi to secure favor with the gods, and he was told,

“Broesus, son of Thebes/If you do not cease in your prideful ways/Many thousand years hence in Middletown/A most horrible Doom shall be wrought upon the Fraternitous Children of Thebes.”

Broesus ignored the prophecy to the ΔKE brothers’ eventual peril: on the 2500th anniversary to the hour of the Oracles’ prophecy, nemesis fell upon his distant progeny in the form of bro-on-bro violence. The house woke to Douglass’ cry of “Ah, I am struck a deadly blow deep and within” as a jealous Armand attacked the sleeping Douglass with a hockey stick and a ferocity that witnesses described as “mad fucking crazy, yo.”
Responding to questions of motive, the unrepentant Armand explained: “He filled our cup with things unspeakable, and now he has drunk it to the dregs.” No one is sure yet what “in hell he means by that shit.” Armand’s roommate, Tyler Watson ’11, expressed his extreme surprise at Armand’s actions, saying, “that kid was such a chill brah. I never thought he’d become a terrorist.”

The case will be heard by the SJB next week. Said Mike Sanford ’11, “This action will by no means be taken lightly. The unlyric threnody of the Fury seeks out doers of wrong and desecrators of the House of Wes. Wait, what? Say that back to me again.”

Film Board to Postpone Controversial Film Series

This week, Wesleyan’s Film Board announced the indefinite postponement of the much anticipated Roman Polanski pornography series, entitled “Kiddies on Kamera.” Mr. Polanski, who achieved critical acclaim for such films as Rosemary’s Baby and Chinatown, was slated to appear in person at the Goldsmith Family Cinema to introduce the selections—which included Rosemary’s Preteen, Vaginatown, and other masterful underage titles. The Polish-born filmmaker backed out at the last minute.
“These films—their striking aesthetic technique and brooding mise-en-scène—have much to offer any serious scholar of cinema, as well as the filthy Europeans,” noted Jeanine Basinger, chair of the Film Studies Department.

Mr. Polanski cancelled under mysterious circumstances on September 26, citing a sudden, powerful desire to spend more time with his family—“twenty years to life,” he specified. But, Ms. Basinger adds, he did agree to come “if we promised a secret, noise-proof attic to live in. He says his fans sometimes dress in police costumes and harass him.”

In related news, the Wesleyan University Press is pleased to announce the 2010 publication of Polanski’s upcoming tell-all book, If I Hit It.