This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Where Is Waldo?

An Open Letter to the Current Occupant of My Old Dorm Room

So you got thrown in Clark 403, huh? Cool story, bro. I lived in that room frosh year, and let me tell you: as long as you snag enough peroxide to wipe aside all the blood and semen stains, it’s a pretty sweet pad. (Just kidding. Ammonia actually works better on the stains.) Anyway, here are some tips on how make the bestest out of my old home:

- If the bed begins to creak, try Reverse Cowgirl.
- Olin’s right next door; when the lighting’s right, students in 3A thesis carrels have a direct view into your room. Pose accordingly—your exposed member is prime inspiration for that kid writing his thesis on Meteorological and Glacial Ablation Controls in Norway.
- Sorry about the closet stench. I guess I was just never all too comfortable using a gender-neutral bathroom.
- Rumor has it Michael Bay ’86 occupied this room during the 1982–83 school year. As a proper tribute, please be sure to masturbate to the Transformers soundtrack at least twice a week.
- That peephole in the wall is perfect for watching the girl next door as she watches Gossip Girl and eats Beef-A-Roni.
- Don’t mind the badgers.

There you have it—you’re practically living in a palace! Enjoy your time in the good ol’ 403.

Hugs and kisses, Zach

Minority House Chronicles: 200 Church Comin’ Atcha

“I was a little surprised to find out ResLife housed me in 200 Chuch, because the 2014 Facebook group said it was a minority house,” said Albert Goldberg-Hilert ’14. “But then I thought, ‘Oh, maybe it’s because I’m Jewish.’”

The first few weeks for the freshmen went by without a hitch. Everyone became friends, but no one was quite sure my this particular group of freshman had been selected for residency in 200 “Minority House” Church. However, a few weeks into school, the true meaning of “Minority House” became apparent.

“Everyone was hanging around one night, playing pool and stuff, and we were blaring music,” said Robert Kownacki ’14. “Typical stuff for us, really. Weezer, Foo Fighters, MGMT… but then the next song came on, and it was “Big Poppa” by Biggie. I think we all felt like someone should change the track, but people suddenly started nodding their heads along with it, rapping with it even. Before I knew it, the whole house was drankin’, smokin’, straight west-coastin’!”

At that moment it became clear that 200 Church in fact houses the small minority of Wesleyan students who enjoy rap music. Every night since, the floor level of Minority House has been a grotto for hip-hop enthusiasts to bathe in the likes of everything from Cameo to NWA. (Am I allowed to say the ‘N’ when I say ‘NWA’? You know what it stands for, right?) It’s no secret Wesleyan students can’t “Fight the Power” when 200 Church residents “Bring the Noise,” but some university officials “Don’t Believe the Hype.”

“Whenever someone’s peeking into the girl’s locker room, it’s Minority House,” said Fran Koertig, Director of Residential Life. “Whenever half the campus reeks of marijuana, it’s Minority House. Whenever empty kegs are thrown off the roof of Allbritton, it’s Minority House!”

Because of 200 Church’s growing notoriety, Public Safety has been making frequent visits to the house in search of contraband related to rap music, including automatic firearms, purple drank, and cocaine.

“They thought I was a donut; they tried to glaze me,” said Alexander Lewis ’14.

The residents of 200 Church have made their intentions clear, stating that there is no party like a 200 Church party “‘cause a 200 Church party don’t stop!” This funkadelic, supa-fly locomotive of a party house is full-steam ahead on a collision course with no end. It might be best for everyone to just “let it be.”

How To Dress For Success At College Parties

So your friend told you about a “crazy rager” on Fountain where everyone is “mad wasted” and there are totally “girls.” Hey, that’s great, guy. But wait! What are you going to wear?

We at the Ampersand know how tough it is for gentlemen to pick out outfits. If you’re ever unsure how to best express yourself through your clothes and accessories, here are a few helpful hints that apply to literally any party scenario:

- Girls love wolves howling at the moon. Wear a wolf t-shirt anywhere on your body and watch the ladies come running. Be sure to quote Wolf Blitzer, carry your favorite Tom Wolfe novel and talk about your plans to go WWOOFing next summer.
- One word—Headband. Another word—TWO headbands.
- Do you want to convey that you’re a sensitive, artsy type? Why not wear a beret? Or why not wear a beret… and nothing else? After spending the week working out at Freeman, there’s no better way to show off that rockin’ body of yours while still showing people that you’re totally alternative. (Did we mention that the beret should be hanging on your dick? It should be hanging on your dick.)
- This next piece of advice is strictly for those who play the didgeridoo. If you don’t own/play the didgeridoo, stop reading right now:

All right didgeridudes, here’s the deal: As soon as there’s a lull in those fresh “party jams,” start blowing away on that hollowed out piece of wood of yours.
Wesleyan is a school that appreciates diversity and different cultures, so the other students at the party will no doubt embrace your attempt to share your culture. In no time at all you’ll have “heaps” of new “mates” and attention from a whole bevy of “sheilas.” But be careful not to play so loudly that P-Safe is called— that’s a major didgeriDON’T.