This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Editors' Note

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Increase in Forced Triples Leads to Increase in Forced Threesomes

Upon learning that they would be living in triples, many members of the class of 2015 were bummed about the potential lack of under-bed storage, or stressed about having to navigate the dynamics of living with two roommates.  But the true discomfort of this situation has nothing to do with closet size: the increase in triples has led to an increase in uncomfortable, mediocre, and cringe-worthy threesomes.

“There’s so rarely a time when both of your roommates are out of the room,” says Jake Brown ’15, of Fauver. “I was hooking up with this girl on Friday night and Dirk [Nutt ’15, one of Brown’s roommates] just walked in and at the time I was like, ‘Well, if you’re gonna be here you might as well join in.’ Because of the special limitations, he literally had no other option.”

Brown regretted this decision when he sobered up the next morning. “It’s beyond awkward now,” he said. “When Dirk changes his shirt after lax practice… the sight of his abs brings up way too many memories that I haven’t really dealt with yet.”

Nutt has confirmed that the arrangement is very uncomfortable. Rather than spending ResLife’s $245 monetary compensation on textbooks and cereal, he and his roommates have spent it all on lube, lingerie, and the like.

“Our collective monetary compensation has been co-opted and subsumed by sexual compensation,” Nutt observed. “It’s both financially and physically draining.”

The room’s third occupant, Mark Yelt ’15, doesn’t quite know what to think.

“We probably shouldn’t have pushed our beds together,” said Yelt. “The extra space is not worth the invasive night surprises.”

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University's Rebecca Population Close to Carrying Capacity

This week, in a joint press conference called by the Connecticut Department of Environmental Protection and the Wesleyan University Department of Environmental Science, researchers announced that the university’s population of Rebeccas has reached critical levels.

“Biologists have what’s known as a carrying capacity,” explained a grave Johan C. Varekamp, Professor of Earth and Environmental Science: “The physical characteristics of a habitat that put an upper limit on the number of organisms it can support. Data from the Office of the Registrar confirms that we have reached that point.”

“Shit’s about to hit the fan,” added Varekamp, gazing worriedly towards Clark Hall.
Scientists first suspected something was amiss when field biologists tranquilized and tagged a shockingly high number of Rebeccas during April’s WesFest. Though the Nicole and Rachel populations seemed stable, Rebeccas, Beccas, and even Beckys have experienced an exponential increase.

“They are multiplying,” explained Senior Associate Dean of Admissions Greg Pyke. “We admit one Rebecca, she spends the summer as a camp counselor telling everyone she is ‘Sooooo excited’ about going to Wesleyan. Three years later, another brood of applicants has gestated.”

According to the Connecticut DEP, Rebeccas have been forced onto Wesleyan’s habitat by deforestation and lower admission rates at Brown.

Many campus resources are buckling under the strain.

“Usdan was never designed to deal with this volume of Rebeccas,” said Bon Appetit Director of Communications Bonnie Azab Powell. “We go to local farms and their patches of organic snow peas have been picked clean. This has implications for the entire Middletown food web.”

“I now have three Rebecca Kleins in my student forum on Postcolonial Ghanian Puppeteering,” complained Ally Fontworth ’12. “And they keep showing up in the same pair of vintage slim straight 32-30 jeans.”

Some members of the Wesleyan community stand to benefit from the ecological paradigm shift. “Boys named Zach will soon be inundated whenever they venture to local watering holes,” reported Varekamp. “They will be set upon like a gazelle on the Savannah.”

But in a few short months, there won’t be enough boys named Zach for Rebeccas to take home to their parents, scientists fear.

The human cost of  this overpopulation is very apparent already. “I went out to Psi U on Thursday and now I have like six Rebeccas in my Blackberry,” said Jake Griffith ’14. “One of them is my cousin, so sexting is now like playing incestuous Russian Roulette with my dick.”

University officials attempted to calm the public. “My office has been working with officials from the United States Fish and Wildlife Service, who tackled a similar problem with Elks in Yellowstone National Park,” said Director of Public Safety David Albert Meyer. “Reintroduction of the grey wolf is already underway in the West College courtyard.”