This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Increase in Forced Triples Leads to Increase in Forced Threesomes

Upon learning that they would be living in triples, many members of the class of 2015 were bummed about the potential lack of under-bed storage, or stressed about having to navigate the dynamics of living with two roommates.  But the true discomfort of this situation has nothing to do with closet size: the increase in triples has led to an increase in uncomfortable, mediocre, and cringe-worthy threesomes.

“There’s so rarely a time when both of your roommates are out of the room,” says Jake Brown ’15, of Fauver. “I was hooking up with this girl on Friday night and Dirk [Nutt ’15, one of Brown’s roommates] just walked in and at the time I was like, ‘Well, if you’re gonna be here you might as well join in.’ Because of the special limitations, he literally had no other option.”

Brown regretted this decision when he sobered up the next morning. “It’s beyond awkward now,” he said. “When Dirk changes his shirt after lax practice… the sight of his abs brings up way too many memories that I haven’t really dealt with yet.”

Nutt has confirmed that the arrangement is very uncomfortable. Rather than spending ResLife’s $245 monetary compensation on textbooks and cereal, he and his roommates have spent it all on lube, lingerie, and the like.

“Our collective monetary compensation has been co-opted and subsumed by sexual compensation,” Nutt observed. “It’s both financially and physically draining.”

The room’s third occupant, Mark Yelt ’15, doesn’t quite know what to think.

“We probably shouldn’t have pushed our beds together,” said Yelt. “The extra space is not worth the invasive night surprises.”