This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

10/26/10

A Letter From My Parents

Dear Colin,

We won’t be there for parents’ weekend. It’s not that your stepfather Gordon and I wouldn’t love to be there—you know what huge Bill Cosby fans we are. And it’s not that we don’t want to see you. It’s that we just don’t want to be seen with you.

All the other parents will be meeting their children’s friends and taking their kids out to nice dinners. But somehow (call it mothers’ intuition) I doubt you’ve been doing too well in the “friends” department.

And do you realize how mortifying it is for us when you have to ask for dairy-free meals at restaurants? Seriously, who can’t handle milk? It’s milk, Colin. Babies drink
it.

God, I need a drink.

What shirt are you wearing right now? You’re wearing the Comic Con 2010 shirt, aren’t you. Jesus Christ, Colin.

I noticed the Weird Al poster isn’t in your room at home anymore. There also seems to be a suspicious lack of anime bullshit on the walls. You brought them to hang in your room, didn’t you? I know you don’t want to hear this from your mother, but that’s no way to get girls. Why don’t you try out a sport? Maybe a sport that isn’t “ruining your parents’ lives”?

Damn your asthma, Colin!

Sorry, that was Gordon. He’s had a little too much to drink. No, Gordon wants me to tell you that he is not drunk. In fact, he’s “never seen more clearly in his whole goddamn life, Linda.”

I hope you’re not too upset about our not coming, sweetie. I just really don’t think we’ll be able to make it this year. Also, we’re visiting your brother Rick at Brown that weekend.

Hugs and kisses,

Mom