This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.




Relationship Polling (ONLINE EXCLUSIVE)

Groan Chomsky is one of the great trivialinguists of our time. Among his most influential contributions ot the field are the Theory of Chillwave (Chomsky, 2009) and a statistical analysis of the PokéRap (Chomsky, 2001). Recently, however, he has turned his attention away from the Collegiate Cultural Cannon and toward the rhythms of everyday life. He studied the adjectives used by a cohort of female college sophomores when describing their significant others. He then interviewed them three months later. This is what he found:


M seeking F. Must have seen climactic scene of Tom Cruise/Jack Nicholson classic “A Few Good Men” and have memorized or be willing to memorize entirety of final courtroom exchange. Must have no allergies to whipped cream, flamingo plumage, and an affinity for hair shirts. Should be able to place foot behind neck. Must provide own hair shirt.

Higher intelligence energy construct looking for carbon-based organism that wants a relationship, not just a hookup. Particularly interested in someone who doesn’t mind my constant examination of the neurons in their brain firing. Must enjoy observing the heat-death of the universe over a nice chardonnay, existing across spacetime, and anal.