This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Roth Has a Birthday, But That Doesn't Make Him Mortal!

Michael S. Roth, Guardian of Wesleyan (and my dreams), turns one year older on this Thursday, April 8th. He’s rumored to be between several thousand and infinity years old, but some scientists report that time itself is defined by his existence.

In addition to his mythically large penis and invisible handlebar mustache, we can all agree that he’s the gentle and mysterious father-figure that we desperately seek approval from. I’ve been sleeping outside his office for the last two weeks, and I can tell you that he works, and smells vaguely, like a lion king.

This week’s Ampersand is dedicated to the Mary Poppins of liberal arts college presidents, Sir Michael “the human saxophone” Roth, esq.


To the birthday boy and Wesleyan at large

The Ampersand is throwing a party for our favorite Jewish-American academic! And everyone is invited! Come eat some veal and play Twister with us as we commemorate this special day, and celebrate our favorite 16th President of Wesleyan! It’s all going down Thursday at PAC, from 9 p.m. to question mark. As you might expect, there will be plenty of fun snacks and sphincter-tingling activities, including an appearance by the third most popular plus-sized stripper troupe in Middletown: Wash Yo Ass! Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire. We booked Justin Bieber and baked him into a cake, just for you, Michael! We at the Ampersand have even been doing serious journalistic research and source-citing (we hacked his e-mail) to determine some of Michael’s favorite party games. So, come on down and press your boobs against a wet pane of glass, or sip on some antifreeze! It’s sure to be a great time, especially because the party can’t get busted by PSafe. See you there, Mikey!

Roth Through the Ages

5290 BCE – After extensive travel through the Fertile Crescent, Roth invents writing, the wheel, agriculture, and metaphor.

5288 BCE – Roth begets Martin Benjamin ‘57, his first son and lifelong nemesis.

0 CE – Roth’s Id, Ego, and Superego split into three bodies and gift the baby Jesus with gold, frankincense, and myrrh, respectively.

99 CE – Roth invents the chariot.

1234 – Roth attains Nirvana.

1301 – Roth meets and inseminates Quetzalcoatl, fathers Odin.

1505 – Roth discovers the 12 uses of hemp, starts hemp activism.

1800s – Roth punches Nietzsche in the throat when he suggests that God is dead.

1874 – Roth fathers Winston Churchill.

1933 – Roth fathers Philip Roth.

1944 – Roth cuckolds FDR.

1966 – Roth graduates from fourth grade.

1974 – Roth applies to Wesleyan, gets accepted to Wesleyan, gets crunk at Wesfest.

1975 – Roth slays ADP Grotto Troll and is subsequently named President of ADP.

1977 – Roth fathers Kanye West.

1978 – Roth leaves Wesleyan a year early in order to search for horcruxes. ADP is left leaderless, and it will never recover.

1980 – Roth spurns Madonna. Most of her subsequent releases deal directly with this event.

1995 – Roth hi-fives Jerry Garcia on Jerry Garcia’s deathbed.

2001 – Roth invents the iPod.

April 8, 2010 – The Ampersand writes a brief timeline of Roth’s exploits.

2012 – Roth builds a time machine and travels back to his childhood and fathers himself.

New History Channel Show About Roth

The History Channel has announced that, after extensive talks with President Michael Roth, they are ready to move forward into preproduction of their newest show, “The Secret War: Michael Roth and the 17th Division.”

“We’re pleased to have Mr. Roth onboard for this project,” said History Channel spokesperson Derek Fellsh. “His is an amazing story. If it weren’t for him, the world would be overrun with the Communist undead.”

The show details his career in the 17th Division, a top-secret branch of Allied High Command, whose objective was to prevent the Communists from recovering ancient occult relics and gaining unimaginable power.

“There are several reasons we decided to focus on Michael,” Fellsh said. “He was a Captain of the 17th from its inception in 1950 to the defeat of Omega-Stalin and the Thule Society in 1969.”

The program will document several operations that Roth headed. These include the Division’s first mission in 1951, wherein they prevented a Soviet commander from attacking London with a doom cannon from a zeppelin hovering above the city, as well as the 1958 raid deep behind enemy lines (led by Roth) on the castle of Wolfenstein to prevent the Communists from gaining access to the “Black Sun,” a potentially limitless source of energy. However, Fellsh expressed particular frustration that the U.S. government explicitly prevented them from documenting the Division’s most dangerous mission: their journey to Hatay to recover an object code-named “The Grizzle Grail.”

“We weren’t allowed even to research that operation,” Fellsh said. “All they said was that revealing the identity of the operating commander would compromise national security. We also had to shoot the last few episodes quickly because Roth insisted that he couldn’t miss a Wesleyan recruiting dinner on the Russian island of Nova Zembla.”

A Birthday Coupon

Coupon Entitles Bearer to a Beautiful Moment With Roth:

-ONE FREE HUG (and/or)

Michael Roth: President, Professor, Ball Buster

Here’s a list of things that Roth has actually said while lecturing for his class,
“The Past on Film.”

Roth on Philosophy: “We’re nihilists, man. We don’t believe in anything. Let’s go see Das Racist.”

Roth on Hipsters: “I’m told being a hipster is wearing a scarf—is that right?”

Roth on Undergraduate Housing: “If you’re majoring in Death, you should probably live in the Butts.”

Roth on Student Publications: “Can you imagine if The Argus didn’t have to resort to character assassinations of Assistant Professors and could just accuse people of being Nazis?”

Roth on Greek Life: “Anyone here in Eclectic? Right, P-Safe is waiting outside.”

Roth on Mass Conspiracy: “Every college has an a cappella group now. I think it’s a conspiracy to keep you politically inactive—you just sit around going, ‘Aaaah, oooh!’”

Roth on the Supernatural: “What’s telepathy?” [silence] “Right!”

Roth on Romance: “We were married a year later, which was no easy thing considering I was already married. This’ll happen to you someday—maybe not at Eclectic.”

Roth on Distraction: “We have been indoctrinated in a culture of distraction—excuse me for a minute.” [checks cell phone]

Roth Disappoints

In a shocking announcement made on Monday, March 29th, President Roth stated that he would not transform into an Adirondack black bear on his birthday this year.

Roth’s shapeshifting has been his annual birthday event at Wesleyan since he became president. He spends most of the day devouring students on Foss Hill, catching fish in the Connecticut River, and then holding a question and answer session in Exley.

Roth explained that he is unable to transform on any other day of the year due to the weather. “Basically, I’m just like Achilles,” President Roth said, “except that I can transform into a bear on my birthday.”

“I know the student body will be disappointed by my decision,” he said, “but these days, it’s all about vampires and werewolves. I’m not bitter, and I’m not accusing Wesleyan of discrimination, but last year when I was a bear everyone was all like, ‘Turn into a wolf! Turn into a wolf!’ I just don’t think that werebears have the same appeal that they used to.”

Roth reported receiving a number of angry letters and reports of ACB posts threatening to kidnap him and take blood samples to discover the secret to his human-bear transformation. Roth sent a public safety email to all Wesleyan students, but also informed the Ampersand that, “If they try anything, I’ll start bringing my brother to Wesleyan for his birthday. He transforms into a goddamn Allosaurus.”