This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


My Application to be Michael Roth’s New Assistant

Dear Michael Roth,
I am writing in response to the highly prestigious and publicized career of the post of Assistant to You. As per the job description, I have a four–year college degree but no desire to move on. I have a passion for fundraising. Nothing makes me happier than ruining a normal social function by using it as an opportunity to solicit people who probably already think the food is only okay. I am also comfortable with social media, which you will recognize if you have checked the Vaseline Facebook page recently. Michael, I wrote you this poem, because I feel dry prose is an insufficient vehicle to which to tie my qualifications for this position. My qualifications are a Christmas tree, Michael:
Saddle your dreams before you ride ‘em.
        — Mary Webb

Assist. Help.
That is not quite the paradox it seems. A landscape exists
as a temporal constant
And on this landscape, which is psyche, which is
One finds, that is to say, I
Boughs laden with the fruit, which itself bears
And which bears eat —
Self-determining, self-effacing
I put the fun in fundraising
I assist with the veracity of a famished bear
Of a hungry herald at once
being and was —
Knelt. Kneeling.
Helping, assisting.
A gerund? That continuous but infinitely present, that cry for sanctity, that
Tense.  Intense, and yet out
The walls of South College
another realistic tragedy
Of longing and longitudinal desires
For which and to which I devote myself, my
Self, as a whole and as a
collection of pieces as
A bear
A Christmas tree
A contradiction
An assistant.