This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.



If you’re thirsty for sports- themed drinking but Tour de Franzia is looking dry, try a toast to sports with these inebriating alternatives:

The Olympic Grains: Wearing togas, carry your team’s keg to all twelve checkpoints where your team will perform a site-specific feat. Drunkenly comment on the nature of revelry, wisdom, human conflict, and the divine à la the Symposim. Cars prohibited, scooters permitted.

Johnny Walkathon: Takes place on the outdoor track. A cruel and endless relay in which each team must best a handle of whiskey. At mandatory checkpoint participants must reflect on Christopher Hitchens, who was bested by alcohol. Lame DJ playing “Jock Jamz” mandatory.

Goose Wrestling: Johnny Walkathon with sideshow of vodka and pâté wrestling.

US Open/Winebledon: Each team has to drink a glass of wine when they lose a tennis game. A person is disqualified when they can no longer explain tennis scoring. They can, however, continue to throw tennis balls at players from the sidelines.

Yellowtail Hop: Teams jump between checkpoints. Wine must be carried in a makeshift belly pouch (e.g. fanny pack, duct tape, pilfered baby sling, etc.) Kangaroo costumes encouraged. Round of inebriated kickboxing decides the first-place winner.

Captain Morgan’s Regatta: Pirate-themed midnight sailing race at Lake Pocotopaug.