This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Roth’s Birthday Celebration an Unrivaled Triumph of Art and Spirit

This past Sunday, the University celebrated the birthday of its leader in the traditional manner. A stage on Andrus Field was erected over the last two weeks. The scaffolding around the edges of the stage was ringed with scenes depicting pivotal moments in Roth’s life, such as his transformation into a bear, his first time shaving, and the slaying of Chattur’gha. These scenes were conceived and composed of students covered in body paint.

On the day of the celebration, criers were dispatched across campus to signify the date of the president’s birth by reciting the works of Hegel at the top of their lungs. At noon, Roth de-cloistered himself, emerging onto his office balcony to address the gathered throngs, his sacred heat radiating as a bright shimmer around his form. He gave his customary thanks for the devotion and gratitude on display, and then briefly levitated to scattered applause.

At dusk, Roth strode onto the black marble viewing platform on Foss Hill constructed especially for him. As he reclined in his couch, Andy Tanaka began peeling grapes for his consumption during the tribute. After the customary freshman sacrifice was met with the bloodthirsty cheers of the crowd, the wesband Linus took the stage to perform a thirty-minute long piece consisting of three chords and the repeated whisper of the president’s name. For an encore, Roth requested Das Racist’s hit “Combination Pizza Hutt and Taco Bell.”

Next, a troupe of dancers took the stage to re-enact the circumstances of Roth’s birth, with numerous dancers representing the Universe, Krishna, Francois Truffaut, and an allegorical piñata meant to represent Roth’s mother, from whom he bursts forth in a shower of grape and watermelon Jolly Ranchers.

Finally, Wesleyan’s theater department performed their rendition of the epic poem prophesying Roth’s ascendancy and rule, written by the mad poet Abdul Alhazred some 1300 years ago. As to be expected, half of the audience was reduced to gibbering madness upon viewing it, but most other students interviewed agreed, “It was pretty okay.”