This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Hungry No Longer: The Epic Tale of Gregor Hamsa, the Man Who Became a Hamster And Solved World Hunger

One morning after falling asleep at his desk, Gregor Hamza woke up to find himself turned into a hamster. Though he now had fur covering his body, tiny arms and legs, no neck, and measured approximately half a foot tall, he was not troubled. For he soon happened upon the half-eaten bowl of ramen he had left on his desk and discovered that it took only a few miniscule bites, seized in his new-formed paws, to sate his appetite for the rest of the day.

He had discovered the remedy for world hunger.

Though the hamster is a noble creature, it took time for Gregor to adjust to his new form. Once he had learned how to climb down from the desk and squeeze under the door to his room, he discovered he was hungry again. Gregor had never been popular as a human. Scurrying around outside, he found that everyone wanted to be his friend.

“Hey dude! Lookin’ adorable today!” called his friend Adam, who was a douchebag. Adam gifted tiny Gregor with a single Frito. And as Gregor leapt up to give him a wee high-five, in a puff of smoke, Adam was swiftly transformed into a hamster as well.  “Dude… what… Come back. I AM A HAMSTER.”

Gregor was not listening. Gregor had scampered off toward Susie, the girl of his dreams, also a prominent social activist on campus.  “You’re the one who did it! You solved world hung–!” she cried, lifting up Gregor as she would a prized trophy. But before she could finish her sentence, she had been turned into a blond hamster, the prettiest rodent in all the land.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Asia, the Director watched the scene in a crystal ball and knitted his hands. The hamster food industry would never again be a humble enterprise!