This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


The Spin Cycle: More Thoughts on LaundryView

LaundryView is everything I look for in a man: convenient, three-dimensional, and sudsy. But if you thought this hunk of a technological advancement couldn’t get any hotter, then you were wronger than wool and hot water. Next year we can expect numerous innovations to what is being called “the next Chat Roulette.” Hello, 4.5 percent tuition increase! With the launch of LaundryView 2.0 we can look forward to:

Livechat and other social media:
Starting next year, Facebook will seem weirder than the way Irish step dancers hold their arms or the logic behind spear fishing. There’s a new social media in town, and the Sheriff is angry, and he’s mandating that there are no secrets anymore. LaundryView’s livechat will make talking about laundry with your friends and professors easy and fun!

Detergentleman04: hey, karen, i think ur lites r dun. i c u used cold water 4 the environment.nice
Hotnakedchick12: thx bill!

And let’s not forget uploading pics of your laundry to your LaundryView profile. This way, you can protect your identity while saying something about yourself at the same time, i.e. your laundry is separated into darks and lights, but there is a stray white sock in the dark pile= “I’m smart and put-together, but I also know how to have fun!”

LaundryView 3D:
Thanks to the surveillance cameras being installed in all laundry rooms on campus, we can forget about primitive rotating graphics and say hello to actual footage of our actual laundry rooms! 
Special features (for which students will have to give up their meal plans) will let you personally sort through other peoples’ laundry (I totally knew she wore that slutty top out even though she said she wouldn’t!), send messages that will appear on the time screens of a machine of your choice (Sry I took out ur clothes, all the washers were full! should have checked the weekly usage chart lol :/), or inform a senior that you have a crush on them.  
At the beginning of the semester, ResLife will hand out 3D glasses for use with the newest LaundryView. If you lose your glasses, you have to pay double tuition. Those of you with a faint heart and a fainter stomach: fair warning. I hear that something pops out at you.

LaundryView dating service:
Are you ready to put yourself out there? Fall 2012 will see the dawn of a new era in on-campus dating life with the additions of LaundryLove, LaundryView’s new dating service. Simply post a blurb on your “MyLaundry, MySelf” profile and watch the offers role in. See example profile below:
“Male seeks a lady in mostly hand-washables. Nothing serious, but if you’re up for it, I’d love to tumble dry on low with a cutie in cotton.”

Sponsored Poetry and Essay Contests:
Each week, LaundryView will be sponsoring essay and poetry writing contests, with prompts like:
— Describe a time when you felt laundry was more than just laundry. What caused this change in perception, and how did you respond?
— Imagine a situation in which laundry makes a difference, individually, or globally.
— What does “redefining sorority” mean to you?