This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Roth’s Birthday Nip Slip Astounds North College

Sources inside North College report that university president Michael Roth experienced a wardrobe malfunction yesterday as he walked though the glass connector between North and South Colleges, briefly exposing both of his nipples to the chill morning air.

“We’re still trying to figure out exactly what happened,” said Esteemed Medievalist Gary Shaw, who is serving his fourth consecutive term as Dean of Roth’s Wardrobe. “It’s a real puzzler; there were so many factors involved.”

Immediately following the malfunction, which several North College administrators witnessed, Roth announced that he would launch an inquiry to prevent the mistake from reoccurring.

“We’re using the best technology available in the university’s Quantitative Analysis Center,” said Roth, in an email to the Ampersand. “We’ve created some multilayered algorithms that should help us run various models, which in turn will help us piece together some answers.”

But so far, the inquiry has only raised more questions.

“To be honest, this incident has forced us to reconsider our entire approach,” said Shaw. “I used to tell Michael: when you get dressed in the morning, think Aslan the Lion meets Hilary Clinton meets Reservoir Dogs. All this in a abstract, emotional sense, of course. But after what happened, those sorts of icons really won’t cut it anymore. Now we’re going for more of a samurai/steampunk thing.”

Above: Roth’s prior wardrobe malfunction occurred as he stepped from his private yacht on the Connecticut River.