This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Other Shit That Happened on April Eighth

April 8th, Michael Roth’s birthday, could in fact be one of the worst days of all time. Honestly, Michael, you should be ashamed.
  • On this day in 1906, the first person to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease died. Oh, have a bigger piece of cake, Mikey! There’s more where that came from!
  • In 1908, Harvard University voted to establish the Harvard Business School. The stars had aligned: on this day, hordes of elitist, gladhanding college graduates were given the opportunity to continue their douchebaggery in a new building. And then, 49 years later, our esteemed President was born!
  • In 1916, racecar driver Bob Burman crashed on the track, killing three spectators. What time’s the party at?
  • In 1970, Israeli bombers struck an Egyptian school, killing 46 children who were probably napping, coloring outside the lines, enjoying snack time, or doing something else cute. How’s that doctorate in the history of history taste, Michael? Just saying.
  • In 1973, Pablo Picasso dropped dead at a dinner party. What? Your new Kindle has a color screen? I heard you can get magazines on that thing!
  • Fifty-eight people with Wikipedia articles died on April 8. That’s way too many.
On the bright side, 4/20 is less than two weeks away. Happy fucking birthday.