This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Trapped Students Await Rescue

Hedging their bets, University officials said on Sunday they will set up a red steam shovel as an option to rescue the 33 Chilean students trapped underground since August 5.

The 33 Chilean students arrived on campus almost a month early for Chilean Student Orientation, a special program designed to acclimate the Andes-dwellers to life in Middletown.

Due to the Summer Session’s use of other facilities, the students were housed in Deep-Deep-Down 4, a disused section of the West College dormitory. Seismic activity caused by a high-decibel Buru Style rehearsal collapsed the poorly maintained underground residence hall. Luckily, the students had congregated in the main room to practice their colorful indigenous weaving techniques, and the small common area was spared by the cave-in, which crushed over 90% of livable space. Rescuers spent several days trying to determine whether any students had survived. After inserting a thin pipe into the subterranean area, University officials communicated with the trapped students and learned that all 33 were alive and boisterous. One official said the rowdy noises emanating from the cavern suggested the students were having a Chilean party.

Isaac Thompson ’12, a Residential Life orientation worker, has emerged as the group’s spiritual leader. He has organized a small secular chapel and leads the group in daily, extra-hot Bikram yoga sessions. Thompson, in an e-mail, joked that he thought his “forced-triple freshman year was bad haha” but added, in all seriousness, that he would be demanding a great deal of overtime pay. The group has voted in rules governing communal eating, gender-neutral bathrooms, and quiet hours. Sexile etiquette is still being negotiated.

WesCo’s listserv has already generated dozens of ideas for lifting the trapped students’ spirits, including a benefit concert and the delivery of medicinal herbs through the three-inch hole that provides food and water. On Sunday night all the Chilean students received a text from Wesleyan Student Assembly vice-president Ben Firke, which read, “don’t worry guys. help is on the way. –re-elect Feiring/Firke.”

The WSA has commented that in the wake of this tragedy it would be disrespectful for University officials to enforce the new open-container policy.

Wesleyan According to the 2014 Facebook Group

In the spirit of Orientation, the Ampersand has taken the liberty of compiling the most useful and insightful information from the Wesleyan 2014 Facebook group into a handy-dandy Guide to Places, Faces, and Terms at Wesleyan. These are actual quotes. Check it:

- 200 Church: Better known as “Minority House,” this program house is located “on the greens, close the Usdan library,” or maybe “like, across from the Bayit, but I could be very wrong.” 200 Church are “generally really nice guys who are very tight.”
- The ACB: The what?
- Butts: The Butts are “where people who are generally neutral and quite honestly, awesome live.” Offers a “well-knit community.” Bonus: “you get to meet upperclassmen.” Note: if you don’t live in the Butts, you will meet zero upperclassmen, neutral or partisan.
- Class of 2014: They chose Wesleyan for “the University Major and the campus-wide downloading network.” They’re passionate about “guitar, existentialism, the history of film, nature as both a solitary entity and an environmental issue, and fucking party.” And this is sooo shameless, but you should check out my music/film blog at http://theboyandcolors.
- Fauver: “If you like sleeping, DON’T COME TO FAUVER. If you like to party and football and stuff like that, that’s the place for you.”
- Queer Life: There is none. “The LGBQ disbanded like 2 years ago.” Sorry.
- Usdan: Main campus library, next to Minority House.
- Wesleyan: “A crazy unique place where everyone has such interesting hobbies and passions.”
- Wesleyan College Republicans: “An active student group with a lot of big plans for the fall, and there are some really great opportunities to get involved.” Their plans may be really big, but the thread has zero replies.
- WestCo: “Everyone smokes weed there.” “Not everyone smokes weed there.” “Everyone smokes weed there.” “Not everyone smokes week there.” Regardless, “I am on bended knee thanking the powers that be for granting me a much-coveted spot in this highly sought-after, magical place.” Everyone smokes weed there.
- Ze Who Must Not Be Named Day: “It’s just some getting crazy, loose, and taking drugs kind of uh . . . celebration?”

Map of Wesleyan:

A Message For Transfers

Dear Incoming Transfers,

Congratulations on your acceptance to Wesleyan University! Transfers are a unique segment of the Wesleyan population notable for being unmemorable, unimportant and largely ignored. But never fear! Exciting opportunities await you.

Among the many housing options for you are halls such as Nicolson 5.86, known by hard-working custodians as the “Janitor’s Closet.” Or, to prepare you for a more independent lifestyle, you might enjoy living in Butterfields Q, a BYOB dorm (Bring Your Own Bed/desk/everything). We’d recommend furnishing your room via Waste Not, an event featuring used, discarded, and unwanted goods (you’ll feel right at home).

Feeling hungry? Then you’ll want to head on over to the Transfer Trough, just outside of Usdan (where the real Wesleyan students eat). Are you vegetarian? A meat lover? Well, your gruel will have a little bit of everything! Here at Wesleyan, we firmly believe in a liberal arts education where YOU choose your own path. Transfers have the options of shadowing real students or participating in medical experiments faculty research. Upperclassmen have already registered for their courses, but there are open seats in exciting classes such as “17th Century Penmanship,” “Sinbad,” and “Understanding Nutrition: Making My Lunch” (in which you will prepare me delicious sandwiches daily). The drop-add period lasts a full week, during which you’ll be able to continue to give up/run away, just like you did last year.

You all should have received your orientation packet by now. Please note that transfers are required to fill out all health forms and provide a blood sample, proving that you do not have a grievous blood-borne aliment. We need that blood. Also included is the scarlet “T” you must wear at all times on campus. Finally, we included a little treat: earlier this month, one of the “Class of 2014” mugs fell and shattered—we’ve sent you each a shard.

The year ahead is full of exciting opportunities—not for you so much, but you’ll see others enjoying themselves, and you’re more than welcome to observe them from the allotted Transfer section of Foss Hill. I know there is a lot to take in, but with an open mind and low expectations, you might not fuck up again.


Milton Penis
Dean of Transfers and Assistant Exterminator