This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/24/09

'09 Sex Party Brings College Godlessness to New Level

Among the many human couples frantically exchanging fluids and bacteria at Eclectic’s Saturday night Sex Party, there are reports of wanton acts involving Eclectic House’s resident sheep named China White. Several individuals who paused in their revels to survey the throbbing landscape of coitus reported an unidentified male initiating carnal union with the confused quadruped, who had wandered out onto the floor after hearing what she believed to be the bleating of a sheep emitting from somewhere within the melee.
Countless pairs of desperately clawing arms drew her into the midst of what she described as “the largest gathering of humans in heat that I’ve ever seen,” and there, trapped in a forest of sweating, concupiscent, and indiscriminately fornicating humans, she was quickly subject to the advances of an inebriated student and criminal against nature. China White, initially unsure of what exactly was going on, says that she thought nothing of the stranger stumbling towards her sporting only a sock until he began having at her “like a thirsty ram in the hot sun.”
“Some people say he was just totally hammered, but I saw a fair amount of deliberation,” said one sophomore in attendance who witnessed the act in its brief entirety. Despite the traumatic nature of her impregnation, China White expressed her intent to carry the child to term, citing her conviction that life begins at conception: “I am a firm believer in the sanctity of life, be it human, sheep, or hybrid-bastard. The deliberate destruction of such a gift is simply unconscionable.”