This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/23/09

You Gonna Eat That Cell Phone?

In line with this week’s theme of Waste Not, we’ll be looking at often-missed ways to help conserve the environment!
Used condoms - These can be blown up into zany balloon animals for the young toddlers, and they serve as bubble gum for the party goers. Lip smackingly delicious!
Toe nail clippings - These can be ground up and drunk in a shake to get that healthy sting of all-natural protein!
Emotional attachments - Don’t discard these after a failed relationship! Rather, bury them deep down---they’ll give you something to cry wistfully about when you’re too happy!
Term papers - Don’t discard your term paper on Confucianism and virtue ethics when you can just freeze and stuff it in your nethers to keep cool and limber during Pilates!
Old beer - Far too often, perfectly good alcohol is abandoned in half-consumed Solo cups. Take a stand on this; as parties are winding down, make the rounds and rescue any stagnant beer into a plastic bag! Save it for Sunday!
Toilet paper - so what if there’s a little poop on it? Keep your used toilet paper in an old Shamwow box like I do; you can often get 5 or 6 wipes from a single sheet!