This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


You Gonna Eat That Cell Phone?

In line with this week’s theme of Waste Not, we’ll be looking at often-missed ways to help conserve the environment!
Used condoms - These can be blown up into zany balloon animals for the young toddlers, and they serve as bubble gum for the party goers. Lip smackingly delicious!
Toe nail clippings - These can be ground up and drunk in a shake to get that healthy sting of all-natural protein!
Emotional attachments - Don’t discard these after a failed relationship! Rather, bury them deep down---they’ll give you something to cry wistfully about when you’re too happy!
Term papers - Don’t discard your term paper on Confucianism and virtue ethics when you can just freeze and stuff it in your nethers to keep cool and limber during Pilates!
Old beer - Far too often, perfectly good alcohol is abandoned in half-consumed Solo cups. Take a stand on this; as parties are winding down, make the rounds and rescue any stagnant beer into a plastic bag! Save it for Sunday!
Toilet paper - so what if there’s a little poop on it? Keep your used toilet paper in an old Shamwow box like I do; you can often get 5 or 6 wipes from a single sheet!