This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Bon Appétit Adopts Waste Not Policy

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Bon Appétit, to cement their public dedication to social responsibility, unveiled their new Waste Not! Dining Policy this week—a bold plan to incorporate students’ garbage into food at the Usdan Campus Center. “This is a momentous step in Wesleyan’s commitment to environmental sustainability,” declared President Roth, biting into a slice of Used Futon Pie. “Damn, this shit is gross—but environmentally excellent! Take that, Amherst!” Other menu options include Shower Cap Paninis and Shaved Skinny Jean Roast; the Condom Soup option has not been as popular as predicted, but there are reports of changing the name to Protection Stew.