Yeah, my current ringtone is “Foxy Lady” by Lenny Kravitz. Everyone knows I sweat the females, and it should come as no surprise that I like to start off my workday with a hearty blowjob in my office from our newest intern. Don’t get me wrong, my desk top is more than sturdy enough to support acrobatic lovemaking (which I save for lunchtime), but I always chuckle when she hits her head kneeling beneath it. Imported mahogany, and I never apologize. This is my third year as a member of the House of Representatives. I’m here to enjoy some of the best years of my life and run train on the Capitol, but man, my job sucks sometimes. Take it from me, some of the bullshit that finds its way through my office makes me want to cut hospital funding, or not delete racist emails from my computer.
And this healthcare bullshit. That bill is fucking a thousand pages long. Right now, my copy is propping open the bathroom door for ventilation. Between you and me, I just ruined the only toilet on this floor. But what else am I supposed to do with that massive paper stack? I just stuck some colored tabs between the pages so no one would ask me if I’ve read it. Reading is what my assistants are for. The other Congressmen are going to discuss the bill on the floor tomorrow anyway. The nerds must have looked at the thing enough times by now, but for fuck’s sake, nobody reads all of them. I don’t think Pelosi even takes attendance anymore. Why can’t I just get booked on the Daily Show and touch wangs with Jon Stewart? Doing his show makes everyone think you’re popular and sexy. Maybe then the other members of Congress would just chill out; they all think I’m weird because I’ve been pushing the Homeland Security Committee to install cameras in the girls’ bathroom. I just drew a picture of Ron Paul wearing a nutsack as a motorcycle helmet on the back page, and I might drop a deuce in his office later. Yeah, your tax dollars have had a big day, America.