This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


What if History is Terrible?

While no one really knows who George Santayana is, we’ve all heard his solemn warning: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” In recent years however, scholars and laypeople alike have forgone this concern in light of its disturbing logical contrapositive: “Those who remember the past cannot repeat it.”

A Wesleyan professor explains, “No wonder the history of humanity is on a steady decline. We keep ruling out all the good stuff by teaching our kids about it! And then we’re left with Bridalplasty.”

This phenomenon has bore many names throughout history, including “Black Magic”, “God’s Greatest Test” and “Totally Unfair”. Now that Western society has caught on to this phenomena, the threat of “America’s Most Accursed Discipline” is everywhere one turns, causing nearly as much anxiety as the new e-portfolio login page, but with less warning. 

“I read James Joyce’s love letters, and now I can never have sex again,” bemoans one college sophomore who wished to remain nameless. “At least, not the way I want to. I guess it’s true what they say: ignorance is bliss.” 

Due to this newfound fear of knowledge, the nation is being transformed before our eyes. Laws are being passed banning public libraries and In Texas, intelligent conversation is now forbidden. Longstanding anti-censorship policies and book burning taboos are endangering the public, but those are expected to change. 

For the everyman, it seems this theory is just good ol’ common sense. “Of course things are going downhill!” says Missouri resident Sam Clyde, “Just look at Timbersports. Timbersports were the peak of mankind! And now look! How fast can you hew a log?! That’s what I thought, asshole.”