This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Valentine’s Day Rocks

In what has been described as “Ugh, I should’ve known” by one disgruntled freshman, Wesleyan students are speaking out against Valentine’s Day, arguing that participating in the day traditionally reserved for sweets, flowers, and romantic gestures actually promotes murder and torture by stoning.  

Michael “Like Us on Facebook” Thompson ’13, of campus social justice group Students Together Oppose the Needless Ejection of Rocks (STONER) explains, 

“STONER was always against stoning, but we hadn’t realized the dangerous effects of ‘Valentine’s Day’ until now. Saint Valentine may have survived the stoning, but we won’t be so fortunate. Stoning is the kind of thing that’s difficult to identify with if you’re not already involved, kind of like parkour. What’s more romantic that reminding your loved one of continued irrational violence in the global south? So next time you fax your significant other, don’t forget to include a topical little note making it clear that both of you are informed global citizens.” 

STONER, which has been meeting and operating out of the WestCo basement since the 1970’s, is spear-heading the effort. The student body, while impassioned, seems uncertain as to the goal of the organization. 

“I’m all for legalization, but if I’m going to protest for it, I want something to smoke while I hold the sign,” says one disappointed junior. In a desperate plea for action, many students have taken to throwing rocks at their peers in centers of campus activity such as Usdan and the Memorial Chapel. 

We sat down with President Michael Roth to discuss the administration’s stance on what has become as dangerous a situation as creative writing classes during drop/add. Roth looks a little worse for wear, his resemblance to a prairie dog exaggerated as he keeps an eye out for stray chunks of airborne granite, and, in an act of martyrdom comparable to that of Saint Valentine himself, contests that the blame is his. 

“I knew I shouldn’t have pushed for more Shirley Jackson in the curriculum,” he laments, gesturing towards the Health Center, where a line of bloody students is quickly forming. “This is the sad result.” 

The students involved in the protests say they are frustrated by their fellow students’ sedentary (or should we say sedimentary) approach to social action. The students not involved say they don’t want to throw rocks at their friends. All we can say is, in a situation like this, everybody loses. And those poor bastards who want a geology certificate might as well give up.