This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/14/10

What You Should Not Have Brought (But Didn't Not)

Everyone knows the most hectic part of college is move-in day. In between trying to keep your gay lover hidden from your parents and reestablishing contact with your friendly neighborhood drug dealer, there’s a lot to get done in just a couple days. It’s only natural that in this state panic you would under- or overpack. With that in mind, the Ampersand has taken it upon itself to tell you exactly

WHAT YOU BROUGHT TO COLLEGE BUT DIDN'T NEED:

- Your little brother: Sooner or later, he’s going to find out that this isn’t a camping trip, the tarp under your bed isn’t a tent, and your roommate isn’t a bear. Also, this’ll mean you won’t have to keep all your food suspended in a cooler in the middle of the room.
- Your 4500 cubic centimeter scale model of Vienna’s Westbahnhof Train Station: Yes, it’s very impressive the way you knit the tiny uniforms for the tiny conductors and yes, it probably could get you all the chicks. But the fact is it simply takes up too much space for you to display your Ferris Bueller diorama.
- That many condoms: Come on dude, get real.

Of course, there’s also the possibility that there’s
STUFF YOU WILL NEED BUT DIDN'T BRING TO COLLEGE

- An Elvis-shaped whisky decanter: Who doesn’t want to drink from the neck hole of the King?
- A sense of self-worth: At some point, you aren’t experimenting with your sexuality. You’re just a slut.
- A tub of mayonnaise, a three-legged stool, and a pit bull that answers to “Vinny”: Believe me, these are going to come in handy in a big way.