This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Pie for Parents

Last year, Ampersand statisticians brought you a demographic breakdown of the newly admitted class. This year, we bring you a demographic breakdown of admitted students’ parents.

“We really don’t give a lying fuck about the kids we’re admitting,” Dean of Admissions Pregory Gyke told the Ampersand via Facebook Chat. “It’s the parents that matter. Kids cost a lot of goddamn money. Parents provide that.”

Gyke worked with our number-crunchers to analyze the parents of the Class of 2015.

“We’re extremely proud of this year’s pool,” said Gyke. “We’ve only admitted ive percent fuckfaces this time around, and they’re usually a bit of a wildcard. It’s wonderful.”

The largest 2015 demographic, edging out Jewish Doctors by one percentage point, is the group known as “Money and Melanin.”

“These are people who have lots of both [money and melanin],” Pyke explained. “When they’re well represented, it looks good on paper and on campus.”

Only one percent of admitted students’ parents are Republicans, a number that Pyke described as “frustrating.”

“Every year I push to admit more of them,” he said. “But Wes just won’t have it. It’s a real shame; they’re generally the most fiscally responsible adults.”