This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


A Word From the Editor on new beginnings

While searching the internet for videos of puppies vomiting, I came across a prophetic pop-up ad that predicted my theme for this week as “new beginnings.” I had no idea that the holy spirit was so plugged in, but I’m glad He found my browser. I’ll tell you, this week has been nothing but new beginnings. Like yesterday, I bought a totally new pack of gum. I’ve also been highly critical of middles and endings, as a matter of principle. To really squeeze the subject, I’ve started leaving class ten minutes-in and not finishing my. In writing creative pieces, it’s refreshing not to bother with plot lines or paragraphs, those cinder blocks that help drown Narrative.

Here’s a short story I wrote yesterday.

He was born with a mild heart murmur, which worried his parents. But there he was, surrounded by fifty clowns in a back alley. Their smiles had menacingly bright colors and unrealistic length, which added to the chill he got from the presence of that many masked entertainers. Just then, his cell phone started vibrating. He installed a new ringtone the night before, but it did him no good because he just ruined his pants and would die alone.


Pees of Vee

The Class of 2013’s unprecedented size has landed ten percent of students in forced triples. What do you think?

John Azerrad ‘13
Prospective Major: Biology

“At least those lucky bastards get to live in a riot-proof dorm. Fauver scares the shit out of me sometimes—absolutely no riot protection.”

James Steinberg ‘11
Major: Government and American Studies

“I think it’s outrageous. Brown would never treat its students like this. I’m still on the waitlist, you know. There’s a chance.”

Anna Furst ‘10
Major: African-American Studies

“It’s about time ResLife recognized the inherently oppressive nature of the roommate binary.”

American Girl Doll Dresses up, Adresses Gender Politics

“I want my Rebecca to genderfuck,” Said Clair St. Giles, ten year old doll connoisseur. The American Girl Mega-Store employees were eager to help.

“Genderfuck is more of a noun, Peachblossm,” admonished the floor manager of the costume department. “But the gerund form is appropriate,” he conceded. “Genderfucking is so in season.”

The American Girl Doll Corporation (AGDC) has been producing high-end, historically-themed dolls for over a decade. The recently announced release of the Rebecca doll—timed to coincide with the Jewish/heathen harvest festival Sukkot—has caused quite a stir in the NYC doll world. Like all American Girl Dolls, Rebecca will come with a line of books and accessories.

As a girl growing up in the New York City of 1914, Rebecca celebrates treasured traditions passed down through her Russian-Jewish family as she tries to navigate the complexities of the gender binary.

“Kaya and Addy are just a bunch of Generation Y bullshit,” said little St. Giles.

“Basically, Rebbeca is a hot tranny mess,” said Grover Skhrotum, CEO of American Girl. “You can even see hir ambiguous genitalia if you put your face right upskirt.”

Rebecca is by no means the end of the line for AGDC. “We want her to usher in a new age of experimentation,” said Skhrotum. “How can we teach our youth to understand the interwoven continuum of biological sex, gender identity, and sexual orientation if we don’t have dolls leading the way? Rebecca is a good start. Is she a transsexual genderqueer tomboy or an androgynous intersex bisexual? These are the questions I want to hear our daughters asking.”

Sources inside the AGDC will not reveal the specifics of future product lines. “Except contraceptive accessories,” one reliable source hinted. “Expect—how should I put this—American Girl fetuses. American Girl umbilical cords. Plenty of placentas. By 2023, American Girl Dolls will be giving birth to live children. We are building an empire, a new race.”

Post-Post-Meta-Modern Art Installation Comes to Foss Hill

This Thursday, Serbian artist Jasnôçzei Ljubomïr visited campus to install his groundbreaking piece “Tundric Dissonance No. 8” in the center of Foss Hill. The work is comprised of the unaltered entirety of the hill, manipulated in no way by Ljubomïr himself.

“My idea is to distill and encapsulate in one space the mean, medium, and mode of human communication or dialogue,” said Ljubomïr of his work, which he classifies as “meta-transgressive un-spatial manipulation of abstract-organic negative space.”

Reception of the work has been varied. One sophomore brought to tears by the piece said she’d spent all morning sitting at the bottom of the hill: “I just can’t take my eyes away. It’s like I’m observing my soul, but through some sort of divine, translucent liquid.” A freshman lauded the installation, saying, “It’s like someone has held a convex mirror up to me and I’m looking at a bloated facsimile of the absolute truth of my identity.”

There have also been negative responses. “He’s a hack,” argued one junior, citing Ljubomïr’s long history of “bullshit, half-baked, and pretentious” artworks: “He’s totally riffing Møjolsski and Ürthö and he knows it. This is just ‘Inverse Ultraviolet’ rehashed. Total garbage.” Another sophomore agreed, explaining, “I’ve seen good meta-post-sculpturalism and bad meta-post-sculpturalism, and this is awful.” A junior observing the finished piece from directly in its center described the work as “pretty retarded.”

One unidentified student was heard shouting. “It’s just Foss Hill! Are you blind? Foss Hill! Why on earth are you encouraging this horrible idiot?”

Ljubomïr is the 2009 recipient of the prestigious Wyatte Elher grant, and his short residency at Wesleyan marks his fifth installation of “Tundric Dissonance.”

The Weekly Convo

An argument between Foss Hill and the Andrus Frield Bleachers

Bleachers: Yo, Hill, you excited for the Tufts opening game this weekend? Its going to so sick, brah.

Foss Hill: Dude, how many times have I told you: I don’t like sports. All I want to do is lie here, smoke my herb, and take in this beautiful campus. But NO, I have to endure looking at your tiered metal ass 24/7, “brah.”

Bleachers: Yo, Andrus Field is the oldest football field in continuous use – I’ve got the same right to be here as you, buddy. I provide comfortable, firm seating for hundreds of spectators.

Foss Hill: Newsflash, Bleachers: This is Wesleyan. No one cares about football. Besides, I offer plenty of seating myself.

Bleachers: I don’t know if you knew this Hill, but we’re in America – everybody loves football. And you ain’t got back support, dawg.

Foss Hill: Okay, here. Let me help you understand where I’m coming from. What if someone…lets say Claude Monet…painted a beautiful picture entitled Sunset over Beautiful College Campus and gave it to you. Then, some drunk jerk uses the canvas as toilet paper, wiping his ass with the center of the frame. Now when you look at the picture, there’s still a suggestion of the same magnificent sunset, but with the conspicuous addition of turd.

Bleachers: Yo, I just can’t believe someone did that to your painting. Party foul, man.

Foss Hill: Its an analogy. There was no painting. You’re the turd that encrusts my figurative Monet.

Bleachers: Dude, you need to lighten up. This isn’t even about me. Its about you and your bad attitude, Hill. You’re just a cloud of negativity.

Olin Library: Could both of you shut up, please? I’m trying to study here.