This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


A Note from the Editors

Your computer monitor is currently displaying the first 2010-2011 issue of the Wesleyan Ampersand, the humor section of the Argus. Freshpersons, we hope Orientation was satisfactory, and that everyone engaged at your hall meetings. Now begins your four years of college. Stay alert. We at the Ampersand do not want you to enter this strange and exciting new period of your life without some sound advice from those with experience, dignity, and smooth, firm biceps. So here is everything we could think of during the nine minutes it took to microwave our foot-long hero sandwiches:

• Walk around in large packs; there is strength in numbers. Solid evidence from all phyla of the animal kingdom supports this.
• On Tuesdays, the Gatorade dispenser in Usdan actually dispenses vermouth.
• Think carefully before you get ice cream and pizza at the same time: you’ll have to eat the pizza while the ice cream melts, or eat the ice cream while the pizza gets cold!
• Hollow out books that you think are boring—the storage is worth it. We recommend Thucydides’ History of the Peloponnesian War. Anyone at the Ampersand can summarize it for you.
• Beta has free milk after 7 pm on the first Thursday of every second month. Knock and ask politely.
• If you knock long enough on the Skull and Serpent tomb door, it will open.
• If your party is busted by P-safe, hide all the liquor in your mouth. P-safe is not allowed to search your mouth.
• Have a ribald good time without alcohol: hold your breath until you feel lightheaded.
• There is fifth WestCo (Down 5) underneath the CFA, only accessible by dumbwaiter on the Sabbath.
• Be discerning about who you spend your time with: time is money, and money is cash, and Cash Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)
• When a hawk or falcon eats a squirrel, the tail is left behind. Look downwind.
• Caressed or licked, the popliteal fossa (the patch of skin behind the knee) is a powerful erogenous zone. Seduce Zes and Hirs using this technique. Attain best access by slithering along the floor.
• Check your testicles for strange lumps in the shower, or have a friend do it.
• See if you can throw a handful of yogurt in Usdan without hitting someone who went to high school at Fieldston.
• The tunnels are just a dirty hallway that someone graffitied.
• Don’t pee in bottles.
• Don’t be an asshole.

—Piers & Benjamin

Points Of View

What has been your favorite part of Orientation so far?

Andrej Filn ’14
“Meeting all the other ’14ers! It’s great to see that social interactions are just as stilted and nauseatingly artificial in person as they are on the Facebook group.”

Amanda Roller ’14
“My first time pooping in a gender-neutral bathroom really opened my mind to the cycle of socialization that propagates society’s reflexive and endemic fear, ignorance, confusion, and insecurity.”

Jordan Reffick ’14
“Listening to the new MGMT album with my roommate/new best friend! I can’t believe those guys went here!”

An E-mail Home

hey mom & dad,
orientation was really fun. one of the things i went to was bend it at beckham. i thought they were just going to show that movie about the soccer lesbians? lame right? but actually it was a dance party where everyone bends their gender. (you wouldn’t get it, but the girls dress like lil wayne and the guys wear like, tight skirts and a boner) a boob touched me, so pretty fun. basically saw some dude (?) receiving dome i think. dad, dont tell mom what dome is. one night even my roommate was like “freshman orientation? more like sexual orientation” haha. but then he told me he heard what dad said about his west side story posters when we were unpacking?thanks…. not. anyway, in general the girls i talked to so far seemed DTF and smart/nice. dad, don’t tell mom what DTF is. one thing though is i walked into the bathroom when my RA was getting out of the shower….. really big areolas, kind of weird/gross. talk about the real world. so yeah, i actually am learning a lot. i miss you guys kind of, except gram-gram, who was really mean to me for some reason when we left on move in day. tell her i said she can go genderfuck herself, my ipad is cool. (chill its not a swear- will explain later.)
- jon

New Foss Vies For Spotlight

Fresh faces on campus this year have something a little different to look forward to: a new hill dubbed ‘Freshman Foss,’ or ‘MoCon Foss,’ on the site of the demolished McConaughy Dining Hall. The sloping field of dirt faces the Vine Street tennis courts and features newly installed plastic fencing. Created in order to address both crowding on Foss and a gaping construction hole, student response has been overwhelmingly positive.

“Another hill! When I toured they only mentioned one!” said Miriam Winters '14. A sophomore transfer student, Kris Connors, added, “Dirt stains wash out better than grass stains.” The barren lot, which still has bits of rubble and wire sticking out of the ground, can’t be used as a sledding hill because it abuts a busy roadway, and sometimes the loose soil causes sudden falls to the sidewalk below. But many students welcome this change. “You have to pay attention,” said Connors. “It keeps you alert.”

Some older students don’t like the change to campus. The tennis team wishes to maintain its current lack of visibility. “It’s just better with no one there,” said one anonymous ball boy.

Wesleyan Alumni have charged the University with disrespecting an Ancient Indian Food Burial Ground. “MoCon served samosas that one time,” said a Bon Appetit spokesperson. “They were pretty bad.”

For now, Freshman Foss is the perfect site for finding new friends. Three students have been bitten by the disoriented bats that burrow in the dirt furrows, and the trio bonded in the Middletown Hospital Emergency Room.

“I don’t think I’ll ever hang out on that bigger hill in the middle of campus,” said Greg Donovan ‘13, who recently contracted tetanus on the new hill from a piece of jagged pipe. "This one's steeper, edgier, all around awesome."

Navigating Sexile: Put Your Roommate Back in Hir Place

The practice of sexile, whereby one roommate is ignominiously banished while the other has sex with a person, is an unfortunate aspect of the freshman experience. Lest you find yourself in the cold, lonely straits of waiting in a friend’s room trying not to look at their lame Wicked poster, take these handy preemptive measures:

• Prepare a memo about your roommate’s shortcomings and weaknesses and distribute it after class.
• Leave your Duplo collection next to hir bed. Duplo is a bonerkill.
• Forsake language, sleep hanging from the ceiling, and hunt squirrels. Gain a reputation around campus as “the Wildman” (even if you aren’t a man), so your roommate will thus be cursed with the reputation of “the one who lives with the Wildman.”
• Say, “Isn’t three enough for one evening?” if your roommate enters with a potential mate.
• If you absolutely must have the room that night, barricade the door with their mattress and don’t let them in no matter what you might hear outside.
• Spread rumors about your roommate: ze used SparkNotes for Plato’s Republic in high school; ze is secretly covered with oozing, contagious pustules; ze doesn’t think too highly of the new Panda Bear singles; ze deals 50% oregano to unsuspecting freshmen.
• Discuss the possibility of sexile with your roommate and come to your own arrangement.

However, should the worst come to pass, you aren’t entirely out of options. You can camp out in the library, just like the pioneers did. Although the building technically closes at night, you can probably set up a tent and campfire in the stacks without anyone finding you. If there are people making the beast with two backs in the stacks right next to your campsite, go to your advisor’s house and ask to use the guest room. That’s what they’re for.