This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

11/15/09

This is not an apology to that stupid cardinal

Dear Wesleyan,

I’m sorry my son’s a book-humping, tofu-eating, nerd-ass little pussy. My name’s Chip O’Hearn, father of James O’Hearn ’13, and this is my formal apology for him fucking up your weekend, but more importantly, being a total loser.

I got to campus Friday night, wigged out on meth and Jack Daniels, only to find my disgrace of an offspring in his room...reading! I started tweakin’ out man, so I said, “I need to get high or things are gonna get ugly, ya know Jimmy? Now where are the parties, you turd tickler?” a reasonable query. He mentioned some a cappella concert. Now, I don’t get mad easily, but the day Chip O’Hearn shows up at a goddamned a cappella concert is the day I castrate myself with chopsticks. Shit, what was I talking about again? I’m really drunk...Anyway, I dragged him to Transformers, where I eventually woke up in a pool of my own urine. Great fuckin’ movie, by the way. Megan Fox’s tits bazoom.

Fast forward to Saturday brunch. I hit the table with seven burger patties and a waffle, and junior’s glaring at me over a salad! Now that was the last straw. Reading was one thing--even I occasionally stop jerking off long enough to read parts of Hustler--but I wasn’t gonna be caught sitting across from some rabbit-fucking Commie! Especially with all those fine, legal-aged ladies running around. Naturally, I pushed the table over and punched him in the face, and then vomited on him. Then he got all indignant on me and ran out crying!

I followed him outside, where he had the Cardinal mascot in a sleeper hold! Next thing I knew, Jimmy dragged him over to North College, shouting something about “ruined my life!” and “I’ll fucking kill them!” He stayed holed up on the top floor for five hours, and it took a tranquilizer gun and a can of mace to get him out...little taint licker lasted longer than I’d thought he would! I guess, in the end, I’m apologizing to you, James. I misjudged you. Sure, you may’ve been expelled...but you made me damn proud. Damn fucking proud.

Chip O’Hearn P’13