The Wesleyan student body was thoroughly embarrassed Family weekend by the surge in incidents on campus involving alcohol, drugs, and vandalism perpetrated by parents and, especially, grandparents. Several campus facilities were seriously damaged throughout the weekend, and reports of stolen property resulting from break-ins are still being addressed by Public Safety. One ashamed student, who chose to remain anonymous, admitted, “It was almost as terrifying as my Bar Mitzvah.”
It seems that many adults chose to view Parents’ Weekend asa time to cut loose and party like it’s 1969, as a way to spend quality time with their children. Public Safety and event staff members had their hands full trying to contain dozens of severely embarrassing relatives. Many were seen wearing heavy coats and sweatpants during warm weather in obvious attempts to conceal water bottles filled with vodka. And someone spray-painted “Steely Dan” on the outside of Crowell. A spokesperson for the Office of Alumni and Parent Relations conceded that such incidents are bound to occur, but also that a line was definitely crossed when everyone’s parents held a kiss-in at Olin which became a violent orgy and ended in a cloud of smoke grenades and dogs courtesy of MPD.
A confused freshman explained, “I thought my mom was joking when she ended her last email with, ‘Can’t wait to fuck shit up this weekend! Love you.’” On Monday morning, the air was heavy with hurt feelings and hangovers as family members stumbled to their cars and said their goodbyes to their children and new lovers. In other news, the table stolen from PAC was returned, and an economics professor has noted that it reeks of beer and Viagra.