11:07 p.m. PSafe and MFD extinguished a brush-fire on High Street caused by a middle-aged man improperly lighting a bong. While resisting arrest, he repeatedly shouted, “I’m down with it! Really, I’m so down!”
11:24 p.m. PSafe apprehended a student’s mother who refused to climb down from the roof of Beta. When anyone approached her, she threw them off the side of the building and yelled “King of the hill!”
1:03 a.m. Parent apprehended at unregistered dogfight in Butterfield tunnels. When spotted, he ran from PSafe officers, reportedly yelling “Five oh! Five oh!”
10:37 p.m. Suspicious person reported on Washington Terrace. The grandfather was staring blankly at the side of the CFA cinema, wearing only a loincloth fashioned out of admissions brochures. He was promptly escorted from campus.
11:33 p.m. Public Safety officers raided a speakeasy operating out of a house on Fountain Avenue reportedly organized by Andrew “Fingers” Mancetti ’29. The den of licentiousness was dispensing liquor in vast quantities and playing ragtime music. It posed a clear and present threat to the moral sanctity of the university.