This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


February 7th Issue

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Super Bowl

Don't Panic

Interview with Bill Belichick: “WestCo is BestCo!!!!!”

By Theodora Messalas
MOOG Synth and Production

This Super Bowl sunday, the Argus scored an exclusive interview with patriots coach and Wesleyan alum, Bill Belichick.

So first off, our readers want to know what your Eclectic initiation was like.

It was wild. They somehow got our meal plans suspended so they could make us forage for food. It was a lot like freeganism, but with more squirrel meat. And every morning for a month, I was up at 7 a.m. refilling the basement kiddie pools with something they called “blood pudding.” It was eight parts Robitussin to three parts red Jell-o.

Was it hard to balance your football career with all of these demands?

Oh, totally. Sometimes I’d be telling the team what the play was and then realize that I was just reciting some lyrics to a Smiths song we had all jammed to the night before. Or I’d be super tired after staying up all night to see if the pattern in a laser-lights screensaver ever changed.

What “position” did you play as a member of the Eclectic Society?

Well, I was an economics major, so I was always great with the financial stuff. Like, accounting for inflation, which would cost more to buy that semester, acid or ’shrooms? That kind of stuff.

So you were their nerd bitch.

What? No. I was a scholar-athlete. There’s a difference.

Do you think your membership to Eclectic helped get you where you are today?

Definitely. When the guys come in for a game looking like death after a Saturday night of who-knows-what, I just get them some tacos and Adderall and they’re good as new. Also, I think what really put me over the edge when applying for coaching jobs was being able to incorporate my plaid flannel into so many different outfits.

Last question. Do you have any regrets about your time at Wesleyan?

I wish I had killed Eli Manning when I had the chance.

Sorry your team lost The Super Bowl!

NERD BITCH, page 8 

“Hola” From Abroad: The Infinite Vacuum of Space

By Keelin Q. Ryan
Potato Correspondent
I am pleased to report that my study abroad experience is, as of this writing, a success! Life outside of Wesleyan is exciting, but boy is it different!

Adjusting to this new climate has been tough; my bone density is decreasing rapidly and I’ve been experiencing some nausea, although I suppose that’s to be expected with my new diet. The food is so different here! My favorite meal is probably “Dried Apricots X510,” although “Corned Beef Sandwich ZZ5” is surprisingly good, especially if you warm it up. They also have American food like pizza, but it’s usually served in cubes. Weird!

The locals here seem pretty friendly; yesterday, one of them attached themselves to my face for a couple of hours. Now my stomach feels strange! My immediate reaction was alarm, but I guess it’s my fault for not learning enough about the local customs beforehand!

My fellow students seem cool, except for my host brother, Hal. He keeps being like, “Just what do you think you’re doing, Dave?” And I’m like “I’m going to take a nap.” And then he’s like, “I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going.” TMI, Hal!

WesDems Claim Giuliano Is Building a Weather Control Ray

By Sam Korda
Eagle Commander
According to WesDems, the University’s resident chapter of student Democrats, former Middletown Mayor Sebastian Giuliano is actively seeking to construct a “ray-like device” that will allow him to control the weather.

“We didn’t believe it at first, but we managed to get ahold of the blueprints, and we can say without a doubt that the project has moved beyond the conceptual stage,” said WesDem Harry Blossom ’14. He cited a collection of e-mails from Giuliano the WesDems recently intercepted, which contain numerous references to a “weather machine” that will attack this year’s Spring Fling with massive artificial blizzards. The WesDems have also tried to draw attention to the large, weather-machine-like structure that has loomed over the Middletown skyline since November.

“His recent loss of the position at the Election Commission has, we believe, deepened his insatiable rage,” said Blossom. “Wesleyan kids have thwarted his plans again and again, like that one time he tried to take control of the diamond mine by dressing as a yeti and scaring off all the miners.”

“This is just another typical case of fear-mongering by the Democrats,” said Mytheos Holt ’10, former infamous campus Republican pundit, who spoke to the Ampersand from the dumpster behind Clark where he’s been living since graduation, occasionally leaping out to frighten passing liberal freshmen. “They’re politicizing a process that should just be left alo—A BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!” he screamed at a passing group of students discussing same-sex marriage.

The administration has no response to these claims. “Spring Fling is definitely going to happen,” said President Roth. “Do you want to be the one who tells the seniors they can’t get mad crunk and pass out on Foss this May? That’s a shitstorm waiting to happen, man. Your funeral.”

“What’s worse, a shitstorm brought on by angry seniors, or a literal storm of shit created by a weather ray?” responded Blossom.

When reached for comment, former mayor Giuliano replied, “Gya ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” and then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
SHITSTORM, page 3 

Chet Grundle '09 has a job!

By Frank Fineis
The Secret Weapon
  As evidence of the strengthening economy, many formerly unemployed Wes grads are finding themselves in sweet new money positions.

  Chet Grundle ’09 has a new job at Dixar, a Pixar affiliate. Grundle recalled his only meeting with the CRC during his senior year: “They asked me if I had any sweet family hookups, and I said, ‘Nah man, I’m from Minneapolis.’ Then they told me they had run out of jobs.” He pursued his only option, an unpaid internship at a casino owned by the local Minnesota Sioux.

  But things are looking up for Grundle these days. Upon viewing his viral video “Sh*t Gambling Addicts Say,” Dixar offered him an unpaid internship writing screen- plays for thrilling new sequels such as The Pink Panther: Crossing the Color Line, The Fast and the Furious 6 Hour Energy, and Baby Geniuses 3: Vin Diesel Is Mother Goose.

  He is really positive about the future: “Yeah I would think that [Dixar] should start paying me soon because living in my storage locker is getting out of hand. But at the moment, this isn’t a job, so I don’t know why you’re interviewing me.”

  He has a point. But regardless, America has the proverbial “Open” sign on it and is clearly winning the future — due in large part to Chet Grundle’s plethora of amazing sequels lying on the horizon.
CRC WTF, page 1111111111112 

Thats Right, You Got It From Eating Poop

By Daniel Witkin
Vermin Supreme
Campus has seen a spike in viruses that, like Banquo’s ghost, bring your sick secrets out of your stomachs and into the light. That’s right, you sick children have been eating poop.

The Davison Health Center would like to take some measure of responsibility for the matter at hand. "We thought you young scholars could keep your hands away from your butts. We were wrong: there’s an outbreak of fecal-oral disease, and you all got it by eating poop."

On onset of gastroenteritis may be gradual or very sudden, some- times waking students from sleep with a bout of vomiting and nausea, accompanied in some cases by head- ache, dizziness, sense of temperature disequilibrium, and fatigue, and in all cases by a well-deserved sense of shame potent enough to affect even those of you unscathed by doing on Saturdays what we know you do.

Although it really should go without saying, please attempt to refrain from gobbling shit during this time.

This is a preventable illness and we’d like your help in limiting trans- mission, although it’s going to be quite difficult if you kids are going to insist on eating poop. In the absence of such common sense, Wesleyan’s Davison Health Center has decided to shame those afflicted by releasing in this article a list of those whose bodies should be avoided:


Chaos in Squash Court

Sh*t Wesleyan Students Say

Winter Break Activities