This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Interview with Bill Belichick: “WestCo is BestCo!!!!!”

By Theodora Messalas
MOOG Synth and Production

This Super Bowl sunday, the Argus scored an exclusive interview with patriots coach and Wesleyan alum, Bill Belichick.

So first off, our readers want to know what your Eclectic initiation was like.

It was wild. They somehow got our meal plans suspended so they could make us forage for food. It was a lot like freeganism, but with more squirrel meat. And every morning for a month, I was up at 7 a.m. refilling the basement kiddie pools with something they called “blood pudding.” It was eight parts Robitussin to three parts red Jell-o.

Was it hard to balance your football career with all of these demands?

Oh, totally. Sometimes I’d be telling the team what the play was and then realize that I was just reciting some lyrics to a Smiths song we had all jammed to the night before. Or I’d be super tired after staying up all night to see if the pattern in a laser-lights screensaver ever changed.

What “position” did you play as a member of the Eclectic Society?

Well, I was an economics major, so I was always great with the financial stuff. Like, accounting for inflation, which would cost more to buy that semester, acid or ’shrooms? That kind of stuff.

So you were their nerd bitch.

What? No. I was a scholar-athlete. There’s a difference.

Do you think your membership to Eclectic helped get you where you are today?

Definitely. When the guys come in for a game looking like death after a Saturday night of who-knows-what, I just get them some tacos and Adderall and they’re good as new. Also, I think what really put me over the edge when applying for coaching jobs was being able to incorporate my plaid flannel into so many different outfits.

Last question. Do you have any regrets about your time at Wesleyan?

I wish I had killed Eli Manning when I had the chance.

Sorry your team lost The Super Bowl!

NERD BITCH, page 8