This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


Where Is Waldo?

Usdan Center Destroyed by Very Small Earthquake

In the early hours of Friday, Sept. 23, over 3,000 spectators gathered in awe as the Usdan University Center crumbled to the ground.

The Usdan-specific earthquake was really poor timing for Linus’ band practice in rehearsal room 101. The band members have been seen roaming around the wreckage aimlessly, along with five Bon Appétit managers and two students dragging a Fast-a-Thon sign through the debris at their feet.

Jacob Weinstein ’13 said, “This is a real blow to people trying to keep kosher this semester. Really what it comes down to is that, before the fire, there was a place to get kosher food ready made on campus. Now there isn’t.”

The response from the freshman class has been mixed. Jared Taylor ’14 of WestCo said, “When you think about it, it’s going to be a real treat to be able to reminisce about this in three years. Like honestly, I hear people talking about how cool MoCon was, like what the fuck is that? Anyways, in three years, it will be our turn.”

After the embers cooled, a handful of students were seen rummaging through the wreckage, salvaging what they could. Smith Holzberger, ’11, said, “Its really a take all you can carry deal. Now that we don’t have Usdan, those white plastic plates and yellow cups have really become a hot commodity. It’s not like you can walk in and take
new dishes whenever your old dishes get dirty. There are a limited number of them now. I just scored two plates and a bowl.”

With the loss of the main campus dining center, business at WesWings has really picked up, and reportedly Pi has seen a promising stable flow of people as well. Pi Manager Karen Harris said, “It’s really lucky that we didn’t seem to lose any customers. We still sell about 12 sandwiches a day, thank god.”

The WSA, which previously held meetings in the Usdan Center, will be meeting on Foss Hill until they can find another space. Nandita Krup ’11 confirmed that they will be sitting in a large circle on the hill, but could not speculate as to whether or not they will be bringing guitars.

“If people are in the right mood, they just might bring them. It's really too early to tell,” she said.

Campus officials say that there will be an eating event for hungry students and faculty at 12:30 and 7:00 in Summerfields daily. Light snacks will be provided.

The Mind of an Ampersand Editor

The Halftime Pep Talk I Gave During My Super Bowl Dream Last Night

All right guys, bring it in. Take a knee.

Well, fellas, here we are. Down by 50 in the Super Bowl. It’s raining naked pictures of me, and the other team is made up entirely of fig wasps (Agaonidae) with Barack Obama’s
face. I don’t think I need to spell just how bad the situation is. I know that the thousands of disappointed fathers in the bleachers are beginning to get that familiar look of silent judgment, but you know what? We can turn this around.

Because you know what we’ve got that they don’t? Heart. The other team may have
the head of the president and stingers the size of small rhinos, but we’ve got spirit. Also, I’m pretty sure some of you might be anthropomorphized badger-people, so I think we can work with that.

I remember I had a talk with my seventh-grade math teacher once. Well, I say my seventh-grade math teacher, but really it was a lion with her voice that was about to eat me. But before she did, she told me something that stuck with me to this day. She said, “Don’t put it there! You’ve got to let it boil for a bit before you serve it!” I think we can all learn something from that.

Geez, I guess I’m getting a bit too sentimental, huh? I can tell you Phillip Seymour Hoffman doppelgangers are getting bored. Okay, here’s the plan: That camp counselor I had three years ago whose name I can’t remember, pass every chance you get. If we don’t keep the ball moving, then the fig wasps will just swarm all over you. Hot chick from
physics, hold off on the blitzes. It’s hard to tackle a swarm of sentient insects. Also, put some clothes on.

Hoffmans, I need you to step it up on defense. You and the badger-people need to form
a brick wall, got that? If you can, try and goad the wasps into a penalty so the ref will eat them. Remember, t-rexes can only see movement.

Okay, guys, this is it. If you’ve got any questions, just direct them to Assistant Coach Mega Man, because my teeth keep falling out and I need to find my pants. And be sure to get plenty of water. Don’t worry about the penis-shaped bottles, I’m sure that doesn’t mean anything. Now let’s get out there and win that trophy that looks like my naked mother!

Peêet Pertussis ’14 for WSA Rep


Abolish TuiTion - ChAnge WesleyAns FighT song To Alvin luCiers “i Am siTTing in A room” - rebuild moCon To be used For iTs originAl purpose As A Flying sAuCer - leAd WesleyAns seCession From CorrupT “uniTed sTATes oF AmeriCA” - CleAnsing CenTers - replACe Free Condoms WiTh FerTiliTy pills - insTiTuTe mAndATory one Child poliCy As requiremenT For grAduATion - replACe CurrenT Courses WiTh TeAChings oF Wisdom oF hoWArd soosAn Klugguh, lord oF The sKies


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