This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

9/28/10

The Halftime Pep Talk I Gave During My Super Bowl Dream Last Night

All right guys, bring it in. Take a knee.

Well, fellas, here we are. Down by 50 in the Super Bowl. It’s raining naked pictures of me, and the other team is made up entirely of fig wasps (Agaonidae) with Barack Obama’s
face. I don’t think I need to spell just how bad the situation is. I know that the thousands of disappointed fathers in the bleachers are beginning to get that familiar look of silent judgment, but you know what? We can turn this around.

Because you know what we’ve got that they don’t? Heart. The other team may have
the head of the president and stingers the size of small rhinos, but we’ve got spirit. Also, I’m pretty sure some of you might be anthropomorphized badger-people, so I think we can work with that.

I remember I had a talk with my seventh-grade math teacher once. Well, I say my seventh-grade math teacher, but really it was a lion with her voice that was about to eat me. But before she did, she told me something that stuck with me to this day. She said, “Don’t put it there! You’ve got to let it boil for a bit before you serve it!” I think we can all learn something from that.

Geez, I guess I’m getting a bit too sentimental, huh? I can tell you Phillip Seymour Hoffman doppelgangers are getting bored. Okay, here’s the plan: That camp counselor I had three years ago whose name I can’t remember, pass every chance you get. If we don’t keep the ball moving, then the fig wasps will just swarm all over you. Hot chick from
physics, hold off on the blitzes. It’s hard to tackle a swarm of sentient insects. Also, put some clothes on.

Hoffmans, I need you to step it up on defense. You and the badger-people need to form
a brick wall, got that? If you can, try and goad the wasps into a penalty so the ref will eat them. Remember, t-rexes can only see movement.

Okay, guys, this is it. If you’ve got any questions, just direct them to Assistant Coach Mega Man, because my teeth keep falling out and I need to find my pants. And be sure to get plenty of water. Don’t worry about the penis-shaped bottles, I’m sure that doesn’t mean anything. Now let’s get out there and win that trophy that looks like my naked mother!