This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.


WSA Presidential Candidates Maybe Having Second Thoughts About GRS Group

This article is a work of fiction. Zachary Malter said none of the following, though we have reason to believe he appreciates a fine Womanchego as much as the next guy or gal.

According to sources close to the candidates, Zachary Malter ’13, Joe O’Donnell ’13, and Melody Oliphant ’13 may be having second thoughts about going into GRS together. The three had reportedly discussed securing a WSA-themed apartment together on Pearl Street, tentatively named “The Sexxxecutive Suite.”

“I just don’t know if it’s a good idea,” explained Oliphant via Facebook chat. “Things are kind of heating up right now. I know I said we wanted to improve transparency, but that doesn’t mean I want to see Joe in his underwear.”

The three had initially hoped to secure a Lo-Rise, but failed to recruit a fourth person. “They propositioned me to join their group right before the GRS deadline,” Eli Meixler ’13 recalled. “Malter tried to bribe me with extra Cheese Co-Op. Like, fuck no, man.”

O’Donnell has expressed concern that his abrasive living habits could pose an issue.

“I’m a pretty tenacious roommate,” O’Donnell explained. “I’m less concerned with these ‘working relationships’ with roommates obtained through always being ‘diplomatic’ than really going to bat for myself.”

Only Malter remains in favor of the idea.

“We could host some pretty suite parties,” Malter commented. “Pun intended. Plus I can score mad Womanchego from the Cheese Co-Op since I, like, pretty much invented it. And Joe apparently has a great Rahm Emanuel party mask.”

“He says he uses it for roleplay,” Malter added, frowning. “I didn’t know Joe was involved with student theater.”